You're One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, by Ken Kesey
You're crazy. This has led people to attempt to confine you to a safe place so that you don't pose a danger to yourself or others. You feel like you pose a great danger to the man (or maybe the woman) or whatever else is keeping you down. But most of the time, you just end up being observed. Were you crazy before you were confined?
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31 July 2007
I don't even know what to say.
29 July 2007
Coming Apart at the Seams
My dad is doing better. Thank goodness for that.
The eating thing with the kids is better, too, so thank goodness for that. Mealtimes have been pretty peaceful.
What's not better re: kids is their evening time. There is so much crying and so much discontent in the hour between 6:00 and 7:00 lately. Sobbing, bereft small folk carrying on and on and on! They seem so tired, but if I put them to bed earlier than 7:00, they get up even earlier than they already do (currently awake between 6:00 and 7:00; out of bed at 7:00, once I'm done with my shower). I just can't deal with them getting up earlier since I have to get up 30 minutes before they do to get my morning routine out of the way. Maybe it's not fair to expect them to adapt to my schedule and cranky evenings are the price I'm paying.
What's also not better: me. I think planning John's memorial is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Makes sense, but of course it's happening at a time when I am behind/overwhelmed at work, behind on personal projects, and dealing with cranky babies.
The memorial is going to be fairly simple. (Have I written about this before?) It's on August 18, in the late afternoon, with time for people to watch a slideshow of pictures from John's life, make a page for a scrapbook for Maddie and Riley, and play softball. Then there will be a buffet dinner, then a candle-lighting. That's all. No one gets to speechify at the candle-lighting, except maybe me. John's parents want to know what they can contribute; I don' t know how to tactfully tell them "nothing." They have a way of turning events that aren't theirs into theirs, and I won't have that at John's memorial.
There are going to be a million people in town that weekend; I'm not looking forward to crowd control. My parents, John's parents, my sis-in-law, and brother-in-law are all going to want lots of time with the kids. That's nice, but that means lots of people in my very small house during a time when I'm going to need some personal space. Plus there are friends I'm going to want to see, but I'm not sure when I'll have time. I probably won't. That's OK in the sense that they will understand, but I'll miss the comfort of time with them.
Lots of people can't come. It's summer, people have other plans. It's too far for some people to travel. I admit that I'm disappointed that some people aren't making more of an effort.
I need to do laundry. I need to find myself some dinner. I have a training for work tomorrow, which is going to leave me even further behind than I already am. Today started off great for the most part was a wonderful day. The kids were in such good moods for the morning. We went for a run with my neighbor, Maddie and Riley took a great morning nap, I got to talk to my dad, we took a walk to Trader Joe's had a friend and her baby over for lunch.
Then things got hairy. Riley cried and cried and CRIED for his afternoon nap, finally going to sleep after two interventions from me. His mood was not great for the rest of the day. We had some other friends over in the afternoon, and that was fun until the 6:00 crankfest began and there was much sobbing and horribleness. The twins did go to bed without a peep, so that's something. But when the afternoon/evening are hard, it's very difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything (except bitch on my blog) once the twins are sleeping.
Last night, after a lovely afternoon/evening with friends, I went to bed early. 9:15. I did a little (very little) pen and paper journaling and some drawing. I lit John's candle. I slept really well and the day started with so much promise. I hate feeling beaten down already, less than 24 hours later.
In comments, people have asked me about looking into anti-depressants. It's a worthwhile consideration. I'm a very medicine-leery person by nature. Also, and maybe this is strange, I worry that if I were to take ADs, and they helped me feel better, I wouldn't work through the grief that I need to work through. If I felt good enough to set that grief aside for now, would it come back ten times worse later on for never having been processed? That's probably an ass-backwards way of looking at it. I also feel like if I'm on medication, I need to be seeing someone regularly for therapy and support. I see a social worker every two weeks right now. Time is a lame excuse, but it's my only one. I have no idea how I could find time to regularly meet with a professional who could help me with the medication and with keeping the processing I'm doing now moving forward. I'm leery. It's just me.
*********************************
I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday morning. She's at home for the weekend. She and my brother-in-law got tattoos to commemorate John. We had all talked about getting tattoos when John got cancer; instead, we got bracelets because getting tattoos is not really advisable for cancer patients and we wanted something that could be a family symbol. So bracelets it was.
The tattoos that my sibs-in-law got are three interlocking circles, one for each of them plus John. If I'd gotten a tattoo when John got diagnosed, I would have gotten the symbol that we used on our wedding invitations, which was designed by my best friend's brother. It's a yin-yang symbol, but made of two geese. I can't describe it, and I don't have it in a format that can be posted here, drat.
In any case, I'm thinking that I might get the tattoo now. What I can't decide is where to do it. My first thought it to do it on my back, low and center, by the waistband of my pants. But then I can't see it without doing some major contortions. But do I need to be able to see it? I'm not sure. I want someplace where it will mostly be hidden by clothing, at least not visible in the workplace. Ideas?
The eating thing with the kids is better, too, so thank goodness for that. Mealtimes have been pretty peaceful.
What's not better re: kids is their evening time. There is so much crying and so much discontent in the hour between 6:00 and 7:00 lately. Sobbing, bereft small folk carrying on and on and on! They seem so tired, but if I put them to bed earlier than 7:00, they get up even earlier than they already do (currently awake between 6:00 and 7:00; out of bed at 7:00, once I'm done with my shower). I just can't deal with them getting up earlier since I have to get up 30 minutes before they do to get my morning routine out of the way. Maybe it's not fair to expect them to adapt to my schedule and cranky evenings are the price I'm paying.
What's also not better: me. I think planning John's memorial is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Makes sense, but of course it's happening at a time when I am behind/overwhelmed at work, behind on personal projects, and dealing with cranky babies.
The memorial is going to be fairly simple. (Have I written about this before?) It's on August 18, in the late afternoon, with time for people to watch a slideshow of pictures from John's life, make a page for a scrapbook for Maddie and Riley, and play softball. Then there will be a buffet dinner, then a candle-lighting. That's all. No one gets to speechify at the candle-lighting, except maybe me. John's parents want to know what they can contribute; I don' t know how to tactfully tell them "nothing." They have a way of turning events that aren't theirs into theirs, and I won't have that at John's memorial.
There are going to be a million people in town that weekend; I'm not looking forward to crowd control. My parents, John's parents, my sis-in-law, and brother-in-law are all going to want lots of time with the kids. That's nice, but that means lots of people in my very small house during a time when I'm going to need some personal space. Plus there are friends I'm going to want to see, but I'm not sure when I'll have time. I probably won't. That's OK in the sense that they will understand, but I'll miss the comfort of time with them.
Lots of people can't come. It's summer, people have other plans. It's too far for some people to travel. I admit that I'm disappointed that some people aren't making more of an effort.
I need to do laundry. I need to find myself some dinner. I have a training for work tomorrow, which is going to leave me even further behind than I already am. Today started off great for the most part was a wonderful day. The kids were in such good moods for the morning. We went for a run with my neighbor, Maddie and Riley took a great morning nap, I got to talk to my dad, we took a walk to Trader Joe's had a friend and her baby over for lunch.
Then things got hairy. Riley cried and cried and CRIED for his afternoon nap, finally going to sleep after two interventions from me. His mood was not great for the rest of the day. We had some other friends over in the afternoon, and that was fun until the 6:00 crankfest began and there was much sobbing and horribleness. The twins did go to bed without a peep, so that's something. But when the afternoon/evening are hard, it's very difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything (except bitch on my blog) once the twins are sleeping.
Last night, after a lovely afternoon/evening with friends, I went to bed early. 9:15. I did a little (very little) pen and paper journaling and some drawing. I lit John's candle. I slept really well and the day started with so much promise. I hate feeling beaten down already, less than 24 hours later.
In comments, people have asked me about looking into anti-depressants. It's a worthwhile consideration. I'm a very medicine-leery person by nature. Also, and maybe this is strange, I worry that if I were to take ADs, and they helped me feel better, I wouldn't work through the grief that I need to work through. If I felt good enough to set that grief aside for now, would it come back ten times worse later on for never having been processed? That's probably an ass-backwards way of looking at it. I also feel like if I'm on medication, I need to be seeing someone regularly for therapy and support. I see a social worker every two weeks right now. Time is a lame excuse, but it's my only one. I have no idea how I could find time to regularly meet with a professional who could help me with the medication and with keeping the processing I'm doing now moving forward. I'm leery. It's just me.
*********************************
I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday morning. She's at home for the weekend. She and my brother-in-law got tattoos to commemorate John. We had all talked about getting tattoos when John got cancer; instead, we got bracelets because getting tattoos is not really advisable for cancer patients and we wanted something that could be a family symbol. So bracelets it was.
The tattoos that my sibs-in-law got are three interlocking circles, one for each of them plus John. If I'd gotten a tattoo when John got diagnosed, I would have gotten the symbol that we used on our wedding invitations, which was designed by my best friend's brother. It's a yin-yang symbol, but made of two geese. I can't describe it, and I don't have it in a format that can be posted here, drat.
In any case, I'm thinking that I might get the tattoo now. What I can't decide is where to do it. My first thought it to do it on my back, low and center, by the waistband of my pants. But then I can't see it without doing some major contortions. But do I need to be able to see it? I'm not sure. I want someplace where it will mostly be hidden by clothing, at least not visible in the workplace. Ideas?
28 July 2007
OMG WTF
At around 7:00 this morning, I checked my cell phone messages. I had a call from a friend of my dad's. My dad is, along with this friend, on a three-week vacation in Europe. As soon as I heard his friend's voice, I knew that something was wrong. Why else would his friend call me?
My dad has been in a motorcycle accident. He's going to be OK, but his leg is broken in multiple places. I don't know the details; so far, I've only been able to exchange voice mails with the friend. From what I understand, it's not a compound fracture, but my dad did need surgery. It's totally unclear to me how the accident happened, how long he'll be in Germany, and when I'll get to talk to him.
What is up with this year?
My dad has been in a motorcycle accident. He's going to be OK, but his leg is broken in multiple places. I don't know the details; so far, I've only been able to exchange voice mails with the friend. From what I understand, it's not a compound fracture, but my dad did need surgery. It's totally unclear to me how the accident happened, how long he'll be in Germany, and when I'll get to talk to him.
What is up with this year?
26 July 2007
Holy Cow
The twins and I had a glorious, wonderful evening. The stars were aligned and all was well. Who knows what was the cause, who cares. It was awesome.
The kids were in great moods when I picked them up from daycare. Riley was wearing a hot-pink cardigan belonging to the exceptionally petite college student who is working at the daycare for the summer. It's a good color on him.
We went to Trader Joe's on the way home an ran into an orchestra friend who I had not seen in months.
The kids were all mellow and happy on the walk home.
We got home around 5:40 and immediately went in for dinner. Dinner went great. I gave them raspberries, carrots, green beans, and pasta, and let them go to town. They ate a bit of everything, and finished the raspberries and pasta. As soon as they started to wipe food around on their trays and clearly indicate that they were done, I wiped up the trays, gave them their water, and served up the oatmeal. They had fun trying to eat with spoons and didn't really try to throw their bowls much. When the oatmeal was done, I let them have a string cheese while I cleaned up. Yay, babies! What a great meal!
As I was washing their bowls, I realized that the nonskid ring on the bottom could be removed and flipped over to . . . make suction cup bowls! We'll try that tomorrow.
We had a great playtime and bathtime and they've been sleeping for 1.5 hours. Ahhh, I needed that evening.
Even better, I came home sick from work after lunch. I'm feeling much better now, and managed to both relax at home (I'm addicted to Arrested Development on DVD) and get a bunch of baby food made. Yay! I'm hoping to relax a good bit tomorrow while I "work from home."
The kids were in great moods when I picked them up from daycare. Riley was wearing a hot-pink cardigan belonging to the exceptionally petite college student who is working at the daycare for the summer. It's a good color on him.
We went to Trader Joe's on the way home an ran into an orchestra friend who I had not seen in months.
The kids were all mellow and happy on the walk home.
We got home around 5:40 and immediately went in for dinner. Dinner went great. I gave them raspberries, carrots, green beans, and pasta, and let them go to town. They ate a bit of everything, and finished the raspberries and pasta. As soon as they started to wipe food around on their trays and clearly indicate that they were done, I wiped up the trays, gave them their water, and served up the oatmeal. They had fun trying to eat with spoons and didn't really try to throw their bowls much. When the oatmeal was done, I let them have a string cheese while I cleaned up. Yay, babies! What a great meal!
As I was washing their bowls, I realized that the nonskid ring on the bottom could be removed and flipped over to . . . make suction cup bowls! We'll try that tomorrow.
We had a great playtime and bathtime and they've been sleeping for 1.5 hours. Ahhh, I needed that evening.
Even better, I came home sick from work after lunch. I'm feeling much better now, and managed to both relax at home (I'm addicted to Arrested Development on DVD) and get a bunch of baby food made. Yay! I'm hoping to relax a good bit tomorrow while I "work from home."
Plan
So many great comments on the boring toddler feeding post! Thank you.
Here's my plan for tonight:
Give them all their food at once, at least what they can self-feed (tonight that would be some kind of fruit, pasta/red sauce/ricotta casserole, some kind of veggie, and Cheerios or crackers or some kind of starch). Let them eat what they want while I wash up daycare cups and containers. Food that goes on the floor stays there.
Once I'm done cleaning up the daycare stuff and they are done eating and have moved on to playing with their food, wipe down trays. Give them each a spoon and a bowl with some of their oatmeal in it. Feed them the oatmeal while they try to feed themselves (with occasional success!) Use the "three strikes, you're out" rule with spoons and bowls on the floor, emphasizing that "spoons/bowls stay in your hand or on the tray," and "if you throw that again, it stays there." Continue until oatmeal is gone or meltdown ensues. Clean up toddlers and release them from the torture that is dinner.
We'll see how it goes! I feel like the most important thing is to be consistent. If I'm going go with "three strikes, you're out" on utensil throwing, then I need to do that every. single. time.
I don' t think I was entirely clear in my last post about the suction cup bowls. I do expect that the kids will be able to un-suction them. But the bowls the kids have now slide all over their trays when they try to scoop something onto their spoons. They get the "spoon into food, food on spoon, spoon into mouth" concept pretty well, but they often can't achieve "food on spoon" because the bowl is sliding all over the place. Then they get frustrated and throw the whole shebang. I think if they can accomplish getting some food on the spoon, they might be less frustrated by the whole experience. Maybe? Maybe.
I talked to my mom for a long time last night and she pointed out that some of this evening kid crankiness could be due to going back to daycare this week. They love their daycare, but being there makes them quite tired in a way that they don't get tired when they are at home. Good insight, Mom! I know this is just a rough patch, made rougher by me feeling like crap due to having a cold.
I am so tired today. I didn't sleep well at all due to being all stuffed up and drippy-nosed. It didn't occur to me until about 5:00 am that since I'm no longer nursing, I can take cold medicine! Revelation. Of course, I don't have any in the house. Will go get some at lunch.
Also, I am seriously behind at work. Yikes! Part of me fails to care, but that's not good. It's so hard for me to focus lately. I just want to hibernate: read, write, be home. I think it's a grief thing. Wish I could take a leave of absence, but not sure that's possible.
I've been doing art therapy twice a month with a social worker from Early Intervention. Last time I saw her, I made a mandala. The exercise was very therapeutic for me, and I've been wanting to do another one or more. No time! Wish I could stay home and make mandalas all day. Sigh. Maybe I could just take an isolated day off, but I have a big deadline on 6 August, so I don't see that happening before then.
Here's my plan for tonight:
Give them all their food at once, at least what they can self-feed (tonight that would be some kind of fruit, pasta/red sauce/ricotta casserole, some kind of veggie, and Cheerios or crackers or some kind of starch). Let them eat what they want while I wash up daycare cups and containers. Food that goes on the floor stays there.
Once I'm done cleaning up the daycare stuff and they are done eating and have moved on to playing with their food, wipe down trays. Give them each a spoon and a bowl with some of their oatmeal in it. Feed them the oatmeal while they try to feed themselves (with occasional success!) Use the "three strikes, you're out" rule with spoons and bowls on the floor, emphasizing that "spoons/bowls stay in your hand or on the tray," and "if you throw that again, it stays there." Continue until oatmeal is gone or meltdown ensues. Clean up toddlers and release them from the torture that is dinner.
We'll see how it goes! I feel like the most important thing is to be consistent. If I'm going go with "three strikes, you're out" on utensil throwing, then I need to do that every. single. time.
I don' t think I was entirely clear in my last post about the suction cup bowls. I do expect that the kids will be able to un-suction them. But the bowls the kids have now slide all over their trays when they try to scoop something onto their spoons. They get the "spoon into food, food on spoon, spoon into mouth" concept pretty well, but they often can't achieve "food on spoon" because the bowl is sliding all over the place. Then they get frustrated and throw the whole shebang. I think if they can accomplish getting some food on the spoon, they might be less frustrated by the whole experience. Maybe? Maybe.
I talked to my mom for a long time last night and she pointed out that some of this evening kid crankiness could be due to going back to daycare this week. They love their daycare, but being there makes them quite tired in a way that they don't get tired when they are at home. Good insight, Mom! I know this is just a rough patch, made rougher by me feeling like crap due to having a cold.
I am so tired today. I didn't sleep well at all due to being all stuffed up and drippy-nosed. It didn't occur to me until about 5:00 am that since I'm no longer nursing, I can take cold medicine! Revelation. Of course, I don't have any in the house. Will go get some at lunch.
Also, I am seriously behind at work. Yikes! Part of me fails to care, but that's not good. It's so hard for me to focus lately. I just want to hibernate: read, write, be home. I think it's a grief thing. Wish I could take a leave of absence, but not sure that's possible.
I've been doing art therapy twice a month with a social worker from Early Intervention. Last time I saw her, I made a mandala. The exercise was very therapeutic for me, and I've been wanting to do another one or more. No time! Wish I could stay home and make mandalas all day. Sigh. Maybe I could just take an isolated day off, but I have a big deadline on 6 August, so I don't see that happening before then.
25 July 2007
You Just Never Know
Thank you all for your great comments on career change and job searches. Lots of good ideas to explore and think about.
Of course, after I was all like, "Oh, yeah, project management sucks," and "I want a complete career change!" what do I do? Go home and apply for a project management job. Heh. It's at a local development house with a good reputation, fifteen minutes away from my house. Yes, it'sin my same industry. But (justify, justify, justify) at least it's an editorial project manager position, which is different from the project management I did before (translation, working for the World's Biggest Prick(tm) ). So, yeah. Who knows if that will lead anywhere, but there you have it. You just never know.
I'm just feeling so at the end of my rope. I'm sick with the kids' cold. The twins are all-out cranky between getting over colds, getting molars (oh, yeah), and going back to daycare this week. I miss John. That should really come first. I miss him for a million reasons, but today I miss him for a supremely practical one. I was feeling tired, sick, and stressed-out as I headed home today. I so wanted to be able to pick the kids and up and then come home to a loving and able-bodied partner who could take over for me and let me rest. Don't get me wrong—I get a ton of help from friends. Tonight happened to be a night that no one was scheduled to come over, though. And a friend over to help is not the same as a spouse.
Work sucks. Being sick—even with a minor cold—sucks. I'm behind at work. I'm behind on stuff around the house. The kids are cranky and I'm losing my patience with them. I changed the words to my usual lullaby tonight:
[regular version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, oh how I love my twin-si-oes.
[new version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, mama is so sorry-o.
(Anyone else out there learn that song at Kindermusik?)
I snapped at the babies at dinner, then I just stopped talking to them because, as the old adage goes, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. We all cried.
Questions for you parents out there:
1. I'm starting to let them play around with self-feeding with a spoon. It is clear to me that I must get some bowls that suction onto their high-chair trays, and I must get them stat. Can anyone recommend a brand?
2. How long does this incredibly annoying "throw things on the floor" phase last? I have a feeling the answer is "a really fucking long time," but maybe not? Please? No matter how long it lasts, what can I do about it other than be Zen? Some days, when small people are cranky and I've had a long day at work, it's very hard to be Zen. Are the kids too young for "Hey, you threw your spoon/water cup/bowl on the floor, too bad for you, you don't get it back tonight," or is that kind of cause/effect lost on them? Is it just toddlers exploring their world and I need to be patient about it? I'm hoping to get around some of this by getting the suction bowls, but unless I can tether the spoon and cup, I've still got some throwables to deal with. (Oddly, food throwing doesn't bother me so much and I don't care how much food they get on themselves when they try to eat with a spoon.)
3. I think they are on to my "feed them their least favorite thing first" scheme. For the past week or so, they eat virtually nothing until I offer them Trader Joe's Unburied Treasure (Pirate's Booty knock-off), then they eat like little piglets. Do I stop offering the Unburied Treasure? I've tried offering it first, but the end result is the same: they eat a ton of that and virtually nothing else.
Argh, kid eating habit are boring! Anyone still reading? Help . . .
Of course, after I was all like, "Oh, yeah, project management sucks," and "I want a complete career change!" what do I do? Go home and apply for a project management job. Heh. It's at a local development house with a good reputation, fifteen minutes away from my house. Yes, it'sin my same industry. But (justify, justify, justify) at least it's an editorial project manager position, which is different from the project management I did before (translation, working for the World's Biggest Prick(tm) ). So, yeah. Who knows if that will lead anywhere, but there you have it. You just never know.
I'm just feeling so at the end of my rope. I'm sick with the kids' cold. The twins are all-out cranky between getting over colds, getting molars (oh, yeah), and going back to daycare this week. I miss John. That should really come first. I miss him for a million reasons, but today I miss him for a supremely practical one. I was feeling tired, sick, and stressed-out as I headed home today. I so wanted to be able to pick the kids and up and then come home to a loving and able-bodied partner who could take over for me and let me rest. Don't get me wrong—I get a ton of help from friends. Tonight happened to be a night that no one was scheduled to come over, though. And a friend over to help is not the same as a spouse.
Work sucks. Being sick—even with a minor cold—sucks. I'm behind at work. I'm behind on stuff around the house. The kids are cranky and I'm losing my patience with them. I changed the words to my usual lullaby tonight:
[regular version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, oh how I love my twin-si-oes.
[new version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, mama is so sorry-o.
(Anyone else out there learn that song at Kindermusik?)
I snapped at the babies at dinner, then I just stopped talking to them because, as the old adage goes, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. We all cried.
Questions for you parents out there:
1. I'm starting to let them play around with self-feeding with a spoon. It is clear to me that I must get some bowls that suction onto their high-chair trays, and I must get them stat. Can anyone recommend a brand?
2. How long does this incredibly annoying "throw things on the floor" phase last? I have a feeling the answer is "a really fucking long time," but maybe not? Please? No matter how long it lasts, what can I do about it other than be Zen? Some days, when small people are cranky and I've had a long day at work, it's very hard to be Zen. Are the kids too young for "Hey, you threw your spoon/water cup/bowl on the floor, too bad for you, you don't get it back tonight," or is that kind of cause/effect lost on them? Is it just toddlers exploring their world and I need to be patient about it? I'm hoping to get around some of this by getting the suction bowls, but unless I can tether the spoon and cup, I've still got some throwables to deal with. (Oddly, food throwing doesn't bother me so much and I don't care how much food they get on themselves when they try to eat with a spoon.)
3. I think they are on to my "feed them their least favorite thing first" scheme. For the past week or so, they eat virtually nothing until I offer them Trader Joe's Unburied Treasure (Pirate's Booty knock-off), then they eat like little piglets. Do I stop offering the Unburied Treasure? I've tried offering it first, but the end result is the same: they eat a ton of that and virtually nothing else.
Argh, kid eating habit are boring! Anyone still reading? Help . . .
24 July 2007
Getting Older
Yesterday, I got an e-mail from an old friend, someone I hadn't talked to in nearly twenty years.
First of all, how is it that I'm old enough that I can have grown-up (well, close to grown-up; definitely not childhood) experiences that were twenty years ago?
I knew this person from youth orchestra. We were both in the woodwind section and part of a core group of close friends who were all geeky enough not to care that we were geeky. Youth orchestra was the highlight of my high-school years by a long shot. I don't know how I would have survived that era without that outlet and without the friends I had there.
Sadly, I'm not in touch with any of those friends anymore. We were true friends, but we went to different colleges, pursued different careers, and lost touch. It happens. I think back on that time and those people with great fondness, though, and while I have little to no interest in going to any of my high school reunions, I would love it if there were youth orchestra reunions.
But I digress. So, I got back in touch with this old friend. We have not been able to talk on the phone yet, but we've exchanged a couple of brief e-mails and we hope to chat soon.
I was able to look up his picture on his company's website. I have an image in my mind of what he looked like twenty years ago. Here's the thing: I never would have recognized him. If I'd seen him on the street, I would have walked on by. My friend, if you're reading this, don't take it the wrong way. You look great. You just look TWENTY YEARS OLDER.
Wow. When did we start to look like grown-ups? Do I look that different? I don't think I do, but I would guess that most of us don't think we do. I feel like I look essentially the same, that someone from that time in my life could easily recognize me. I'm thinner than I was back then, and I'm in better shape. I have a better haircut. A WAY better haircut. I also have better eyebrows, as in I started getting them waxed. (Why did I wait so long?) But I still look basically like I did twenty years ago, right? Maybe not.
I do know that I look older. I can tell you when that happened. Pictures of me the day before John's cancer diagnosis and the day after look palpably different, and the difference is that I aged years in those two days.
Self-perception is such a funny thing. Would people from high-school recognize me? How much have I changed over the years? And again: when did I start to look like a grown-up?
********************************
On a related note, I've been thinking a lot about my job. It bugs the crap out of me. I desperately want to quit and find a new job. Here's the thing: I've thought and thought about it all, and I feel like it's not worth the time and energy to switch jobs and stay in this line of work. I have a decent gig for what I do, pay-wise, time-wise, and responsibility-wise. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm looking for a big change.
I've always been the kind of person who gets bored easily. I like to do something for a while, then try something new. One of the few things in my life that's been constant it a love of languages and a love of travel. I think these interests have stuck with me because they inherently bring newness and change. In high school, I studied two languages. In college, I lived overseas twice. Then I was in Peace Corps. Then I got a Masters in Translation/Interpretation. I took and passed the Foreign Service exam. Then I moved to Boston and ended up in a career in publishing, using my English language skills.
I've been doing what I do since 1999. The skills I have are somewhat transferable to other careers, but not ones that hold much appeal to me. Project management? Been there, done that, hated it. Copy editing? I don't think I could copy edit all day, every day without going insane. Proofreading? Ditto, only the insanity would come faster. Teaching? I really miss teaching sometimes, but I'm not sure I could handle the pay cut.
I want to maintain (or improve) my standard of living in terms of pay, amount of hours worked, and flexibility. I would prefer something with fairly regular hours. I prefer not to work at home or be a freelancer. I like someone else to take care of my administrative tasks and my health insurance. I like to work with people (how trite!), use my brain (I guess toll collector is out), and would love to get back into languages. I've also completed the prerequisite classes for admission into acupuncture school, and could enroll in the fall if I wanted.
Options I'm very vaguely considering:
Who knows. I'm tossing a lot of ideas around in my head. I want to be careful of making any big changes so soon after John's death, too. I know the conventional wisdom is to not make major life changes in the first six months to a year after losing someone close to you. So I'm sitting with all this, thinking it over, seeing where it leads.
To tie this back to getting older, it gets hard once you're this far in a career, though, to think about making a major change. I don't want to be at the bottom of the ladder again. And while I don't consider myself entirely risk-adverse, I don't do well at all with financial uncertainty. Not to mention that I have a lot at stake now with the twins. But I'm only thirty-five. A kernel of me—the kernel that's feeling older by the minute—has the sense that's too late to start over doing something new. That just can't be, though. Thirty-five is not old! But are the risks too great?
I'm feeling like I should meet with a career counselor. I'm sure there are tons of other options that would be interesting to me that I have not even considered, and maybe some more easily transfered skills I'm not taking into account. What I should really do now is the job I'm currently getting paid for.
First of all, how is it that I'm old enough that I can have grown-up (well, close to grown-up; definitely not childhood) experiences that were twenty years ago?
I knew this person from youth orchestra. We were both in the woodwind section and part of a core group of close friends who were all geeky enough not to care that we were geeky. Youth orchestra was the highlight of my high-school years by a long shot. I don't know how I would have survived that era without that outlet and without the friends I had there.
Sadly, I'm not in touch with any of those friends anymore. We were true friends, but we went to different colleges, pursued different careers, and lost touch. It happens. I think back on that time and those people with great fondness, though, and while I have little to no interest in going to any of my high school reunions, I would love it if there were youth orchestra reunions.
But I digress. So, I got back in touch with this old friend. We have not been able to talk on the phone yet, but we've exchanged a couple of brief e-mails and we hope to chat soon.
I was able to look up his picture on his company's website. I have an image in my mind of what he looked like twenty years ago. Here's the thing: I never would have recognized him. If I'd seen him on the street, I would have walked on by. My friend, if you're reading this, don't take it the wrong way. You look great. You just look TWENTY YEARS OLDER.
Wow. When did we start to look like grown-ups? Do I look that different? I don't think I do, but I would guess that most of us don't think we do. I feel like I look essentially the same, that someone from that time in my life could easily recognize me. I'm thinner than I was back then, and I'm in better shape. I have a better haircut. A WAY better haircut. I also have better eyebrows, as in I started getting them waxed. (Why did I wait so long?) But I still look basically like I did twenty years ago, right? Maybe not.
I do know that I look older. I can tell you when that happened. Pictures of me the day before John's cancer diagnosis and the day after look palpably different, and the difference is that I aged years in those two days.
Self-perception is such a funny thing. Would people from high-school recognize me? How much have I changed over the years? And again: when did I start to look like a grown-up?
********************************
On a related note, I've been thinking a lot about my job. It bugs the crap out of me. I desperately want to quit and find a new job. Here's the thing: I've thought and thought about it all, and I feel like it's not worth the time and energy to switch jobs and stay in this line of work. I have a decent gig for what I do, pay-wise, time-wise, and responsibility-wise. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm looking for a big change.
I've always been the kind of person who gets bored easily. I like to do something for a while, then try something new. One of the few things in my life that's been constant it a love of languages and a love of travel. I think these interests have stuck with me because they inherently bring newness and change. In high school, I studied two languages. In college, I lived overseas twice. Then I was in Peace Corps. Then I got a Masters in Translation/Interpretation. I took and passed the Foreign Service exam. Then I moved to Boston and ended up in a career in publishing, using my English language skills.
I've been doing what I do since 1999. The skills I have are somewhat transferable to other careers, but not ones that hold much appeal to me. Project management? Been there, done that, hated it. Copy editing? I don't think I could copy edit all day, every day without going insane. Proofreading? Ditto, only the insanity would come faster. Teaching? I really miss teaching sometimes, but I'm not sure I could handle the pay cut.
I want to maintain (or improve) my standard of living in terms of pay, amount of hours worked, and flexibility. I would prefer something with fairly regular hours. I prefer not to work at home or be a freelancer. I like someone else to take care of my administrative tasks and my health insurance. I like to work with people (how trite!), use my brain (I guess toll collector is out), and would love to get back into languages. I've also completed the prerequisite classes for admission into acupuncture school, and could enroll in the fall if I wanted.
Options I'm very vaguely considering:
- Overseas teaching. I have friends who do this. Pros: travel. Relatively good pay depending on post. Challenging work. Lots of time off in the summer, with paid trips home to see family. Cons: being even further away from my family.
- Retaking Foreign Service exam (and, hopefully, passing again). Pros: high-rolling overseas life. Challenging work. Cons: high-rolling overseas life is insulated from host country nationals. Supporting US foreign policy whether I agree with it or not. Being even further away from my family.
- Acupuncture school. Pros: intriguing career. Going back to school! Doing something completely outside the box in terms of what I've done before. Transportable career; can live anywhere and practice (if licensed; depends on state). Cons: Student loans. Three years of paying to be in school while not having an income.
Who knows. I'm tossing a lot of ideas around in my head. I want to be careful of making any big changes so soon after John's death, too. I know the conventional wisdom is to not make major life changes in the first six months to a year after losing someone close to you. So I'm sitting with all this, thinking it over, seeing where it leads.
To tie this back to getting older, it gets hard once you're this far in a career, though, to think about making a major change. I don't want to be at the bottom of the ladder again. And while I don't consider myself entirely risk-adverse, I don't do well at all with financial uncertainty. Not to mention that I have a lot at stake now with the twins. But I'm only thirty-five. A kernel of me—the kernel that's feeling older by the minute—has the sense that's too late to start over doing something new. That just can't be, though. Thirty-five is not old! But are the risks too great?
I'm feeling like I should meet with a career counselor. I'm sure there are tons of other options that would be interesting to me that I have not even considered, and maybe some more easily transfered skills I'm not taking into account. What I should really do now is the job I'm currently getting paid for.
23 July 2007
On My Mind
Last night, I got up with Riley at around 2:30. He just couldn't get comfortable, and while he was not crying, I could hear on the monitor that he was futzing around and was restless. He had cried so hard at dinner that he threw up most of what he ate (poor overtired, sick man), so I thought he might be hungry. I put some milk in a bottle, got him up, and settled down in the glider in the living room.
When I pulled him out of his crib, he still had his frog lovey and his blankie with him. He was not happy about being awake, and clung to me for dear life. We settled into the rocker and he took the bottle easily, snuggling as close to me as he could, holding his frog and blanket, letting me hold the bottle for him. When the bottle was done, I put him up on my shoulder and he sighed. I wrapped his blankie around him and rocked him for a few minutes, stroking his head and his back, telling him I loved him and that I was sorry he was sick.
He didn't fall asleep, but he was very relaxed. I laid him back down in his crib, kissed him, and closed his door. He ended up talking to himself for almost an hour. "A-ba!" he would call out (his version of agua). "Eh-mo!" (his version of Elmo). "Ba ba ba, da ta pa." He was totally happy, mellowed out, hanging around. He finally fell asleep around 3:45. I was wide awake, too, unaccustomed anymore to being up and around in the night. I ended up getting a snack, reading for a while, and listening to the Ri-Man.
I don't miss regular middle-of-the-night feedings, but it was nice to snuggle the man for a while and help him feel better. It was nice, too, to know that I could put him to bed awake and that he'd keep himself company until he was ready to sleep. There were many days when Riley was an infant that I never thought he'd sleep through the night or allow me to put him down in his crib awake without screams of protest.
I miss him (and Maddie, too, of course) so much today. Maddie was such a good companion to me yesterday. I spent a lot of time tending to the sick boy, and she was patient and did a great job of playing by herself when she needed to. She and I got an hour of "girl time" while Riley took an extra nap. I did some cooking while Maddie had some graham crackers and milk at the kitchen table in her clip-on chair. She was excellent company. She played with zucchini slices and narrated the whole experience in Maddie-chatter.
They are good babies. They are my babies. I can't wait to see them in a few hours.
When I pulled him out of his crib, he still had his frog lovey and his blankie with him. He was not happy about being awake, and clung to me for dear life. We settled into the rocker and he took the bottle easily, snuggling as close to me as he could, holding his frog and blanket, letting me hold the bottle for him. When the bottle was done, I put him up on my shoulder and he sighed. I wrapped his blankie around him and rocked him for a few minutes, stroking his head and his back, telling him I loved him and that I was sorry he was sick.
He didn't fall asleep, but he was very relaxed. I laid him back down in his crib, kissed him, and closed his door. He ended up talking to himself for almost an hour. "A-ba!" he would call out (his version of agua). "Eh-mo!" (his version of Elmo). "Ba ba ba, da ta pa." He was totally happy, mellowed out, hanging around. He finally fell asleep around 3:45. I was wide awake, too, unaccustomed anymore to being up and around in the night. I ended up getting a snack, reading for a while, and listening to the Ri-Man.
I don't miss regular middle-of-the-night feedings, but it was nice to snuggle the man for a while and help him feel better. It was nice, too, to know that I could put him to bed awake and that he'd keep himself company until he was ready to sleep. There were many days when Riley was an infant that I never thought he'd sleep through the night or allow me to put him down in his crib awake without screams of protest.
I miss him (and Maddie, too, of course) so much today. Maddie was such a good companion to me yesterday. I spent a lot of time tending to the sick boy, and she was patient and did a great job of playing by herself when she needed to. She and I got an hour of "girl time" while Riley took an extra nap. I did some cooking while Maddie had some graham crackers and milk at the kitchen table in her clip-on chair. She was excellent company. She played with zucchini slices and narrated the whole experience in Maddie-chatter.
They are good babies. They are my babies. I can't wait to see them in a few hours.
Attitude Problem
Riley has been sick for the past few days. Fever, congestion, serious crankies. I've had to get up with him in the night to administer Motrin and offer him something to drink. Poor baby. So far, Maddie is OK, and so am I, and Riley seems to be on the mend. Poor little man.
My mom left yesterday. I miss her.
I have a lot to do at work today, none of it interesting. Of course, I might be home with a sick baby; we'll see how he's doing when he wakes up.
Between a sick wee one, my mom leaving, and the dullness that is work combined with the dullness that it my mind these days, I'm feeling tapped out. I'm consumed by fantasies of quitting my job and thoughts of how that could be a realistic option. (So far, it's not.) I need to start making the serious plans for John's memorial. I need to organize first birthday pictures. I'm just out of energy all of a sudden.
Halfmama tagged me and someone else tagged me for a different meme a while ago—I have not forgotten, but have been unmotivated, as this post indicates. Thanks for both tags. I actually love to be tagged. Hopefully the tags will pull me out of my rut. I'll try to get to them this week.
If anyone finds my motivation out there somewhere, please send it back to me, OK? COD is fine, but please use express mail.
My mom left yesterday. I miss her.
I have a lot to do at work today, none of it interesting. Of course, I might be home with a sick baby; we'll see how he's doing when he wakes up.
Between a sick wee one, my mom leaving, and the dullness that is work combined with the dullness that it my mind these days, I'm feeling tapped out. I'm consumed by fantasies of quitting my job and thoughts of how that could be a realistic option. (So far, it's not.) I need to start making the serious plans for John's memorial. I need to organize first birthday pictures. I'm just out of energy all of a sudden.
Halfmama tagged me and someone else tagged me for a different meme a while ago—I have not forgotten, but have been unmotivated, as this post indicates. Thanks for both tags. I actually love to be tagged. Hopefully the tags will pull me out of my rut. I'll try to get to them this week.
If anyone finds my motivation out there somewhere, please send it back to me, OK? COD is fine, but please use express mail.
19 July 2007
Maine and Back
Went to Maine for a couple of days with my mom and the twins. My daycare is closed this week, so Mom is here helping me, hooray! I love Maine, and taking two one-year-olds on overnight trips to a hotel is a bit beyond something I want to do alone. With Mom to help, though, it seemed like a great idea. And it was. Mostly.
GOOD
NOT SO GOOD
I learned from the experience, and overall we all had fun. I would change a few things, though. I would definitely pack more food for the kids. I naively assumed that since they like pasta and grilled cheese (among other things!), we'd be set on eating at restaurants. And, frankly, I'm not sure it was the food so much as it was the fact that restaurants are so! Interesting! There are so many things to look at, people to watch, etc. that the food pales in comparison. So they don't eat, then they end up hungry and cranky.
It was good to get home yesterday, but I'm really tired today. The kids were up before 6:00, a rarity at our house. Riley had cried at 2:00 and 4:00 and settled back down, but at 5:45, he clearly meant business and not in an "I'm impatient" way but in a "something is wrong" kind of way. I got him up and he was quite poopy and rashy and uncomfortable. I think he's a little sick, poor babe. I got him cleaned up and we had a snuggle while my mom got up Maddie. It was an early start, especially since I didn't sleep much after the 4:00 fussing. Now I'm at work, sleepy, with meetings to go to and boring stuff to do and a serious attitude problem. Bah.
*Yeah, I know, I was supposed to wait until they were 2. I got cocky. They don't have other food allergies and neither John nor I have any food allergies, so I thought I'd be safe. Ha. HA HA. HA! Bummer, because they thought it was delicious and peanut butter is such a good source of protein for vegetarians. Hopefully he won't be allergic to tree nuts, too.
GOOD
- Great naps and wonderful nighttime sleep
- The ocean! Maddie = AWESOME, Riley = pretty cool
- Fantastic children's museum
- Hotel buffet breakfast: something that appeals to everyone
- Mad crazy running amok in the hotel lobby
- Hotel pool and using our fun baby floats
- Great weather
- Down time with my mom after the kids went to bed: room service and the Red Sox on TV
NOT SO GOOD
- Riley and Maddie try peanut butter* on the morning of our departure; both love it; Riley breaks out in systemic hives 20 minutes after breakfast
- Poop in the hotel bathtub! Then poop on the carpeted floor while we clean the bathtub!
- Finding places to eat with (a) enough high chairs, (b) food that appeals to the one-year-old set, and (c) quick service
- Maddie drinks colossal amount of apple juice at O'Naturals, the pukes it up on herself because the belt on the high chair is rather tight on her, um, ample belly
- Shopping at the giant LL Bean flagship store with the babies. Babies think shopping is boring, even if you are buying things for them
I learned from the experience, and overall we all had fun. I would change a few things, though. I would definitely pack more food for the kids. I naively assumed that since they like pasta and grilled cheese (among other things!), we'd be set on eating at restaurants. And, frankly, I'm not sure it was the food so much as it was the fact that restaurants are so! Interesting! There are so many things to look at, people to watch, etc. that the food pales in comparison. So they don't eat, then they end up hungry and cranky.
It was good to get home yesterday, but I'm really tired today. The kids were up before 6:00, a rarity at our house. Riley had cried at 2:00 and 4:00 and settled back down, but at 5:45, he clearly meant business and not in an "I'm impatient" way but in a "something is wrong" kind of way. I got him up and he was quite poopy and rashy and uncomfortable. I think he's a little sick, poor babe. I got him cleaned up and we had a snuggle while my mom got up Maddie. It was an early start, especially since I didn't sleep much after the 4:00 fussing. Now I'm at work, sleepy, with meetings to go to and boring stuff to do and a serious attitude problem. Bah.
*Yeah, I know, I was supposed to wait until they were 2. I got cocky. They don't have other food allergies and neither John nor I have any food allergies, so I thought I'd be safe. Ha. HA HA. HA! Bummer, because they thought it was delicious and peanut butter is such a good source of protein for vegetarians. Hopefully he won't be allergic to tree nuts, too.
15 July 2007
Girls' Night
My dad is in town visiting and he was kind enough to babysit last night so that I could go out with some friends and see Knocked Up.
I love, love, love going to the movies, and it was fun to get some grown-up time with my friends. The movie was funny and I had a good time seeing many of the cast members of Freaks & Geeks in non-high school roles.
Here's what bugged me. You knew something was coming, right? No spoilers, I promise. The female lead, Alison, lives with her sister and brother-in-law. The brother in law has a rather gloomy view of marriage; he feels trapped and like marriage has made his life stale. I know people feel that way about marriage, and I know this was just a movie. But I loved being married. Adored it. Adored my husband. Would give anything to be married again. I hate it when this stereotype of marriage as some kind of end of your youth, end of your hipness, end of all things fun gets perpetuated. Especially when one of the complaints is that "my wife loves me too much." It's not like it was an abusive relationship or there was some other dire problem, this character was just bored.
Just a movie, a comedy to boot. It's just hard to listen to people, even fictional ones, bitch about being bored with being married.
Also: the birth scene? Totally made me cry. Tiny baby! I wanted to just jump into that movie screen and cuddle the sweet thing.
I love, love, love going to the movies, and it was fun to get some grown-up time with my friends. The movie was funny and I had a good time seeing many of the cast members of Freaks & Geeks in non-high school roles.
Here's what bugged me. You knew something was coming, right? No spoilers, I promise. The female lead, Alison, lives with her sister and brother-in-law. The brother in law has a rather gloomy view of marriage; he feels trapped and like marriage has made his life stale. I know people feel that way about marriage, and I know this was just a movie. But I loved being married. Adored it. Adored my husband. Would give anything to be married again. I hate it when this stereotype of marriage as some kind of end of your youth, end of your hipness, end of all things fun gets perpetuated. Especially when one of the complaints is that "my wife loves me too much." It's not like it was an abusive relationship or there was some other dire problem, this character was just bored.
Just a movie, a comedy to boot. It's just hard to listen to people, even fictional ones, bitch about being bored with being married.
Also: the birth scene? Totally made me cry. Tiny baby! I wanted to just jump into that movie screen and cuddle the sweet thing.
12 July 2007
Croc Query
Hello my Croc-wearing friends! The kids and I are loving our Crocs minus one important detail:
SWEATY FEET
Yes, all-caps sweaty. Ugh! Maddie has a particularly bad case of the sweats. Is there something that can be done about this other than wearing socks, which in summer seems so cruel? Please tell.
SWEATY FEET
Yes, all-caps sweaty. Ugh! Maddie has a particularly bad case of the sweats. Is there something that can be done about this other than wearing socks, which in summer seems so cruel? Please tell.
11 July 2007
Footwear
My kids are rockin' the Crocs today. Their Auntie had ordered them each a pair and they arrived yesterday. So cute! Maddie has fuchsia Mary Janes and Riley has orange Caymans. The shoes are a little big, but so practical! And colorful! And cute!
Geekily enough, I ordered myself a pair of fuchsia Mary Janes to match Maddie's. They also arrived yesterday. We have mother/daughter shoes! My office is pretty casual, but not casual enough for the Crocs, so I'm afraid that I'm not sporting mine today. But this weekend: family Croc time.
Geekily enough, I ordered myself a pair of fuchsia Mary Janes to match Maddie's. They also arrived yesterday. We have mother/daughter shoes! My office is pretty casual, but not casual enough for the Crocs, so I'm afraid that I'm not sporting mine today. But this weekend: family Croc time.
10 July 2007
I need a professional plan.
First off: Yes, my running motivational post did work. I got out there, it felt good, that's going great. I'm on personal fire, eating better, working out more, reading more, taking care of personal projects, feeling centered.
All while my job goes to shit.
Yes, my projects are getting more interesting. For that, I am grateful.
But I am the conduit between two people who want very different things from and for the project I work on. They don't know how to talk to each other, so I have to be their interface. One of them is scatterbrained, domineering, and condescending. Let's call her EE. EE holds a position of extreme power within the company. When I can avoid her, I enjoy my job. She butts heads with my other colleague on my main project, who is organized, driven, and enthusiastic. Let's call her MM. MM is less experienced than EE. MM and I work well together, but we get stonewalled by EE, who opposes anything we do on principle and likes to talk down to us about why our ideas are bad. I get shut out by EE because I tend to agree with MM.
It's so awful, so unprofessional, and so high school. I hate it.
I'll go weeks without having to talk to EE, and I'll think, "Hey, this job is not so bad!" Then all of a sudden I have a run-in with her and it's back to my desk, job searching in my cube, not caring if anyone finds me.
I'd quit, but I feel trapped. I'm unhappy, but I'm well paid, I have health insurance, and I have flex time. I have two kids. I can't just walk off the job with no plan.
There's nothing interesting in my field right now that I can find to apply for. I found something that sounded great . . . 1.5 hours away.
I just don't know how long I can do this. I need to find a way out. Part of me doesn't want to give EE the satisfaction of leaving; I think she'll feel like she won some kind of battle of wills if I go. But I can't make myself miserable on principle. I just want to work with nice people. And get paid well enough to make ends meet. If I like the work, it's a bonus, but I can be OK with being bored among nice folk. That's basically what I do now, with the large exception of EE.
I'd love to be independently wealthy with fabulous health care. If anyone has a line on that gig, let me know.
/end rant/
All while my job goes to shit.
Yes, my projects are getting more interesting. For that, I am grateful.
But I am the conduit between two people who want very different things from and for the project I work on. They don't know how to talk to each other, so I have to be their interface. One of them is scatterbrained, domineering, and condescending. Let's call her EE. EE holds a position of extreme power within the company. When I can avoid her, I enjoy my job. She butts heads with my other colleague on my main project, who is organized, driven, and enthusiastic. Let's call her MM. MM is less experienced than EE. MM and I work well together, but we get stonewalled by EE, who opposes anything we do on principle and likes to talk down to us about why our ideas are bad. I get shut out by EE because I tend to agree with MM.
It's so awful, so unprofessional, and so high school. I hate it.
I'll go weeks without having to talk to EE, and I'll think, "Hey, this job is not so bad!" Then all of a sudden I have a run-in with her and it's back to my desk, job searching in my cube, not caring if anyone finds me.
I'd quit, but I feel trapped. I'm unhappy, but I'm well paid, I have health insurance, and I have flex time. I have two kids. I can't just walk off the job with no plan.
There's nothing interesting in my field right now that I can find to apply for. I found something that sounded great . . . 1.5 hours away.
I just don't know how long I can do this. I need to find a way out. Part of me doesn't want to give EE the satisfaction of leaving; I think she'll feel like she won some kind of battle of wills if I go. But I can't make myself miserable on principle. I just want to work with nice people. And get paid well enough to make ends meet. If I like the work, it's a bonus, but I can be OK with being bored among nice folk. That's basically what I do now, with the large exception of EE.
I'd love to be independently wealthy with fabulous health care. If anyone has a line on that gig, let me know.
/end rant/
09 July 2007
Reminder to Self
You will feel better if you run today.
You have your clothes with you.
It's only 77 out, with a nice breeze.
The kids will enjoy the fresh air.
The twins are always cranky on Monday afternoons, and a ride in the stroller will give them a chance to get a nap and make your evening more fun.
You will make better food choices if you have exercised.
You will sleep better if you exercise.
If you run today, you will be one step closer to not feeling like the pants you wore today are going to squeeze you to death.
You will feel better if you run today.
You have your clothes with you.
It's only 77 out, with a nice breeze.
The kids will enjoy the fresh air.
The twins are always cranky on Monday afternoons, and a ride in the stroller will give them a chance to get a nap and make your evening more fun.
You will make better food choices if you have exercised.
You will sleep better if you exercise.
If you run today, you will be one step closer to not feeling like the pants you wore today are going to squeeze you to death.
You will feel better if you run today.
OMGOMGOMGOMG
I get NESN, the channel that broadcasts all of the Red Sox games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had no idea. In fact, I'm sure that this was not true in the past.
When John and I bought our condo, we were all set not to get cable at all. We really only watched NESN (during Sox season, me) and Food Network (all the time, John), and we figured it wasn't worth the $45/month for two channels, especially when we could be doing something else with our time. In the end, we got "sub-basic" cable because bundling that with cable internet was cheaper than just getting cable internet alone, and DSL wasn't an option because we don't have a land line for our phone.
Our sub-basic got us network stations, which we mostly don't watch, some random local-access stuff, and that was that. Saturday night, though, I come home from my grown-up party and the friends who were babysitting were lounging on the couch, watching the Sox on TV. "Is the Sox game on FOX?" I asked. "Nope, NESN."
WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
I don't know what happened, but now NESN is part of my sub-basic cable.
I admit to doing a dance of joy around the living room. And jettisoning any thoughts of actually getting rid of my TV. At least for the rest of the season.
I do love listening to games on the radio, but the Sox! On TV! Jason Varitek looks great in my mind, but he looks even better on the screen. MMM.
My justification is that this discovery will do wonders for me actually taking time for myself. I just wish I'd found this out before the beginning of the All-Star break.
I had no idea. In fact, I'm sure that this was not true in the past.
When John and I bought our condo, we were all set not to get cable at all. We really only watched NESN (during Sox season, me) and Food Network (all the time, John), and we figured it wasn't worth the $45/month for two channels, especially when we could be doing something else with our time. In the end, we got "sub-basic" cable because bundling that with cable internet was cheaper than just getting cable internet alone, and DSL wasn't an option because we don't have a land line for our phone.
Our sub-basic got us network stations, which we mostly don't watch, some random local-access stuff, and that was that. Saturday night, though, I come home from my grown-up party and the friends who were babysitting were lounging on the couch, watching the Sox on TV. "Is the Sox game on FOX?" I asked. "Nope, NESN."
WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
I don't know what happened, but now NESN is part of my sub-basic cable.
I admit to doing a dance of joy around the living room. And jettisoning any thoughts of actually getting rid of my TV. At least for the rest of the season.
I do love listening to games on the radio, but the Sox! On TV! Jason Varitek looks great in my mind, but he looks even better on the screen. MMM.
My justification is that this discovery will do wonders for me actually taking time for myself. I just wish I'd found this out before the beginning of the All-Star break.
08 July 2007
Also!
Both Maddie and Riley cut their first molars! This makes nine teeth total for Riley, and four for Mads. Same tooth for both of them, upper left side. Go, babies! There was a minimum of complaining from both of them. What superstars.
For Me
Kids are in bed, laundry is done, baby food is made for the week, dinner is cooking on the stove. It's 7:30 on Sunday night, and there's nothing I need to do for the rest of the evening. There are things I could do, of course, but nothing I must. It's been so long since I've had an evening like this that I'm going to indulge and actually just take it for myself. I have already poured a glass of wine, and I think that some quality time on the couch with a book awaits me.
My weekend was excellent. I had a lovely dinner with a friend on Friday, a long walk with other friends on Saturday, a great night out on Saturday night, a fun playdate this morning, and a one-year-old b-day party this afternoon. During naps I managed to get all of my laundry done, cook for the week, balance my checkbook, and write all the thank-yous for the kids birthday party. Whew. It was a productive and fun weekend.
There was some awkwardness at the party on Saturday night when the host—a guy I know through friends and who I had not seen since I was pregnant—asked where my husband was. Um, well, I don't really know where my husband is, to tell you the truth. I told him that John had passed away (Dorcasina: I thought of you and wished that I had just said died), and then things got even more complicated because it turns out that this poor guy didn't even realize that John had been sick, so there I was, two beers into the evening (two beers!) and trying to explain the whole thing. The host was gracious and very sorry, and it all worked out, but AWKWARD! Yikes.
Might run tomorrow after work, but temps are supposed to hit the 90s, so we'll see. I've got my gear packed, though, so I won't have that excuse.
My weekend was excellent. I had a lovely dinner with a friend on Friday, a long walk with other friends on Saturday, a great night out on Saturday night, a fun playdate this morning, and a one-year-old b-day party this afternoon. During naps I managed to get all of my laundry done, cook for the week, balance my checkbook, and write all the thank-yous for the kids birthday party. Whew. It was a productive and fun weekend.
There was some awkwardness at the party on Saturday night when the host—a guy I know through friends and who I had not seen since I was pregnant—asked where my husband was. Um, well, I don't really know where my husband is, to tell you the truth. I told him that John had passed away (Dorcasina: I thought of you and wished that I had just said died), and then things got even more complicated because it turns out that this poor guy didn't even realize that John had been sick, so there I was, two beers into the evening (two beers!) and trying to explain the whole thing. The host was gracious and very sorry, and it all worked out, but AWKWARD! Yikes.
Might run tomorrow after work, but temps are supposed to hit the 90s, so we'll see. I've got my gear packed, though, so I won't have that excuse.
05 July 2007
Did it.
I ran!
OK, I jogged.
Very, very slowly.
It felt great.
Most of the time.
We'll see what I say tomorrow.
The twins were seriously grouchy when I picked them up from daycare. Riley appears to be making a play to be a one-nap baby when clearly he's not actually ready for such a thing. But he did successfully hoodwink his daycare providers into not making him take his afternoon nap, meaning that he was a full-on Crankmeister when I picked him up. Thank goodness I had a plan. I got home, threw them in the (free from another mom of twins, very well worn but serviceable) jogger and off we went! I think I ran/walked about 2 miles. The conditions were not ideal (out-of-shape self, high humidity, after-work lethargy), but I plodded on. And boy did I plod. Oh, oh. Sad. As DoctorMama warned, I would have been embarrassed to see anyone I knew. Hell, I was somewhat embarrassed to see people I didn't know! But there was a bit of a breeze, the kids napped the whole way, and I was out there. I even passed a few people! Of course, they were walking. And it's not a competition. But still!
When we got home, we played on the deck for a bit. I wheeled Riley around in the Cozy Coupe and we splashed in the wading pool. Then I fed the twins dinner, gave them a bath, and threw 'em in their cribs. They made nary a peep. Tired wee ones.
I have that energized-from-exercise high, and I've been abuzz since the kids went down. I have a load of laundry in, some baby food a-cookin', and I ordered a certified copy of my birth certificate (bless the Internet), which is something I need to deal with one of John's retirement accounts. Yes, a certified copy of MY birth certificate. Don't even get me started. I have our marriage certificate, which this particular company also wants, but evidently that's not enough. Gar.
Since I "work" at home on Fridays, I'm trying to take care of some chores tonight so that I can spend some time relaxing tomorrow. I've no doubt that I can get a bunch of stuff done and free the time up tomorrow; whether or not I use that time for myself is a different matter entirely. I'm hopeful. I'm definitely going to cook a veggie curry recipe from a fairly recent Cook's Illustrated that I've wanted to make for a while. That counts as time for me since semi-serious cooking is something I really miss.
The weekend is shaping up nicely. I have a friend coming over tomorrow night to help with babies and wine-drinking. Saturday I'm hoping to take a walk with friends at some point, then I have a babysitter coming for after the twins go down and I'm heading to a grown-up party with drinks and fancy food and cooler-than-me music and stuff. Oooh. Sunday I'm hoping to see some friends with boy/girl twins in the morning, then in the afternoon I'm headed to another one-year-old birthday party. We know how to have a good time around here.
For now, I'm off. To eat. Something healthy! Not sure what yet.
OK, I jogged.
Very, very slowly.
It felt great.
Most of the time.
We'll see what I say tomorrow.
The twins were seriously grouchy when I picked them up from daycare. Riley appears to be making a play to be a one-nap baby when clearly he's not actually ready for such a thing. But he did successfully hoodwink his daycare providers into not making him take his afternoon nap, meaning that he was a full-on Crankmeister when I picked him up. Thank goodness I had a plan. I got home, threw them in the (free from another mom of twins, very well worn but serviceable) jogger and off we went! I think I ran/walked about 2 miles. The conditions were not ideal (out-of-shape self, high humidity, after-work lethargy), but I plodded on. And boy did I plod. Oh, oh. Sad. As DoctorMama warned, I would have been embarrassed to see anyone I knew. Hell, I was somewhat embarrassed to see people I didn't know! But there was a bit of a breeze, the kids napped the whole way, and I was out there. I even passed a few people! Of course, they were walking. And it's not a competition. But still!
When we got home, we played on the deck for a bit. I wheeled Riley around in the Cozy Coupe and we splashed in the wading pool. Then I fed the twins dinner, gave them a bath, and threw 'em in their cribs. They made nary a peep. Tired wee ones.
I have that energized-from-exercise high, and I've been abuzz since the kids went down. I have a load of laundry in, some baby food a-cookin', and I ordered a certified copy of my birth certificate (bless the Internet), which is something I need to deal with one of John's retirement accounts. Yes, a certified copy of MY birth certificate. Don't even get me started. I have our marriage certificate, which this particular company also wants, but evidently that's not enough. Gar.
Since I "work" at home on Fridays, I'm trying to take care of some chores tonight so that I can spend some time relaxing tomorrow. I've no doubt that I can get a bunch of stuff done and free the time up tomorrow; whether or not I use that time for myself is a different matter entirely. I'm hopeful. I'm definitely going to cook a veggie curry recipe from a fairly recent Cook's Illustrated that I've wanted to make for a while. That counts as time for me since semi-serious cooking is something I really miss.
The weekend is shaping up nicely. I have a friend coming over tomorrow night to help with babies and wine-drinking. Saturday I'm hoping to take a walk with friends at some point, then I have a babysitter coming for after the twins go down and I'm heading to a grown-up party with drinks and fancy food and cooler-than-me music and stuff. Oooh. Sunday I'm hoping to see some friends with boy/girl twins in the morning, then in the afternoon I'm headed to another one-year-old birthday party. We know how to have a good time around here.
For now, I'm off. To eat. Something healthy! Not sure what yet.
Taking Control
I have been rather low lately. Not without reason, I don't think, but I'm getting to that point where I'm tired of feeling that way, tired of medicating with food, not exercising, not taking care of myself. Tertia's list was a real inspiration to me; I could relate to so many of her goals and her final one really hit home for me: I want to start liking myself again. Deep down, I never stopped, but I have let some things go and I want to start getting back on top of my game.
I've been mulling over how to make the changes I want to make, and my plan is starting to fall into place. Here's my Tertia-style list of things I'd like to do for myself:
1. Start exercising again. I feel so soft and flabby.
2. Lose a little weight. I hate that my favorite clothes feel tight and that I choose my outfit for the day based on what I have that is both clean and stretchy.
3a. Start eating better. My kids eat great: tons of fresh fruit and veggies, very balanced meals. Me? I get what's leftover and what I have the energy to prepare once the kids are in bed. I'm low on veggies and high on Oreoes.
3b. Keep working on my list of things that both the kids and I like to eat so that I'm not cooking a meal for them and a meal for me. Variety is less important than simplicity.
4. Finish the kids' b-day thank-you notes.
5. Finish my sympathy thank-you notes.
6. Start simple savings accounts for the kids. Local bank? (convenient, but not interest-bearing) ING Direct? (unclear how this would work for babies since needs to be linked to checking account)
7. Complete paperwork related to two of John's retirement accounts to which I still don't have access.
8. Consolidate various life insurance and retirement accounts into a rainy day fund and a longer-term investment account.
9. Catch up on baby photos/books (with Mom's help).
10. Make appointment with new PCP.
11. Make appointment with eye doctor.
12. Complete planning for John's August memorial.
Whew. It's a lot. The first three are more lifestyle changes than "to-do" items, and those are the ones that are more important to me. I've got a plan in place for all three of them, though.
EXERCISE
DoctorMama is my guru. I am a maggot. If the good Doc can start running in the morning, I can start running after work. I packed my running clothes today, and I'm going to change before I go get the kids. I often take a stroll with the twins after work, but today it's a jog. Since I've set aside the time in my schedule already, it's just a matter of bringing my clothes to work and kicking myself in the arse. We'll see how it goes.
I also might start doing T-Tapp a few mornings a week before the twins get up. There is a 15-minute T-Tapp workout that can't hurt; I might try to do that on days I don't run. I'm going to give myself a week or two to see how the running goes, then try implementing the T-Tapp.
LOSING WEIGHT/EATING
The weight loss thing is, of course, tied to the eating thing. It's also tied to the exercise thing. I've never owned a scale and don't plan to buy one; I don't actually care what my weight is, but I do care about how my clothes fit and how jiggly my arms, thighs, and belly have become. I actually don't think that my weight is much, if any, higher than it was before I got pregnant, but between having borne twins and not exercising, I'm shaped somewhat differently.
So, exercise will help me get my shape back under control, and eating better will help me have the energy to exercise more and will help me lose weight if there is some to lose. I know my body well enough to know that if I'm eating right and exercising regularly, I settle in at a weight that I feel comfortable with, although I couldn't tell you what that weight is.
Summer is a good time to resolve to eat better what with lots of fruit and veggies out there. I just need to eat them. As stated in my list, my kids eat great. I just need to make enough for me, not just for them because when I get right down to it, when I say "eat better," what I mean is that I need to eat more fruit and veggies and fewer bowls of ice cream.
Part of my eating better involves a decision I've been kicking around for quite a while, and even have an unfinished post on. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegetarian, and raise my kids the same way. I like meat—don't get me wrong—but I don't like it enough to cook it at home. Plus I have some issues with the meat industry. Someday maybe I'll get my post on this finished. In any case, I've almost never cooked beef at home, chicken bores me most of the time, and pork is fine, but it's not like I'd miss it. So I'm going to be what I'm calling an Opportunistic Carnivore. I hate to be that pain in everyone's ass when invited over to eat, and I don't want people having to deal with my dietary issues when out or at someone's house. So if served meat, I will eat it. At home, no. Same for the twins. My pediatrician has raised her kids this way, and it seems sensible to me. I find that I will eat more veggies if I need to incorporate them into my main course, so for me, I think going veggie most of the time will help me eat the way I want to eat.
I've got a fairly decent, if not expansive, repertoire of things that the kids and I will all eat:
quesadillas
enchiladas
mac'n'cheese w/veggies
tortellini/ravioli
spinach pie
quiche, with or without crust
lentil casserole
veggie burgers
hummus (kids are lukewarm, but have only had it once)
I'm always looking to add to my list. Any ideas? I'll do more soups in winter, but summer is not the best soup time. Although I just remembered a really good cold pea soup recipe that I have . . .
OK, I need to get on with my day. One final note: work continues to look up. My job description has been revised so that I now directly supervise someone in my department, giving me some management experience that I've been wanting for a while. I'm also doing some writing, which I enjoy.
And! I finished Tsotsi last night. Loved it. The ending was perfect. Loved it, loved it. I cried and cried, but it was so very good. More movies for me in the future. I'm also going to borrow the complete Arrested Development from a friend so that I can balance movies with some TV entertainment.
I feel good today, more centered than I have for a while, even while being aware of and honoring the constant sadness I carry from John's absence. I feel like moving ahead.
I've been mulling over how to make the changes I want to make, and my plan is starting to fall into place. Here's my Tertia-style list of things I'd like to do for myself:
1. Start exercising again. I feel so soft and flabby.
2. Lose a little weight. I hate that my favorite clothes feel tight and that I choose my outfit for the day based on what I have that is both clean and stretchy.
3a. Start eating better. My kids eat great: tons of fresh fruit and veggies, very balanced meals. Me? I get what's leftover and what I have the energy to prepare once the kids are in bed. I'm low on veggies and high on Oreoes.
3b. Keep working on my list of things that both the kids and I like to eat so that I'm not cooking a meal for them and a meal for me. Variety is less important than simplicity.
4. Finish the kids' b-day thank-you notes.
5. Finish my sympathy thank-you notes.
6. Start simple savings accounts for the kids. Local bank? (convenient, but not interest-bearing) ING Direct? (unclear how this would work for babies since needs to be linked to checking account)
7. Complete paperwork related to two of John's retirement accounts to which I still don't have access.
8. Consolidate various life insurance and retirement accounts into a rainy day fund and a longer-term investment account.
9. Catch up on baby photos/books (with Mom's help).
10. Make appointment with new PCP.
11. Make appointment with eye doctor.
12. Complete planning for John's August memorial.
Whew. It's a lot. The first three are more lifestyle changes than "to-do" items, and those are the ones that are more important to me. I've got a plan in place for all three of them, though.
EXERCISE
DoctorMama is my guru. I am a maggot. If the good Doc can start running in the morning, I can start running after work. I packed my running clothes today, and I'm going to change before I go get the kids. I often take a stroll with the twins after work, but today it's a jog. Since I've set aside the time in my schedule already, it's just a matter of bringing my clothes to work and kicking myself in the arse. We'll see how it goes.
I also might start doing T-Tapp a few mornings a week before the twins get up. There is a 15-minute T-Tapp workout that can't hurt; I might try to do that on days I don't run. I'm going to give myself a week or two to see how the running goes, then try implementing the T-Tapp.
LOSING WEIGHT/EATING
The weight loss thing is, of course, tied to the eating thing. It's also tied to the exercise thing. I've never owned a scale and don't plan to buy one; I don't actually care what my weight is, but I do care about how my clothes fit and how jiggly my arms, thighs, and belly have become. I actually don't think that my weight is much, if any, higher than it was before I got pregnant, but between having borne twins and not exercising, I'm shaped somewhat differently.
So, exercise will help me get my shape back under control, and eating better will help me have the energy to exercise more and will help me lose weight if there is some to lose. I know my body well enough to know that if I'm eating right and exercising regularly, I settle in at a weight that I feel comfortable with, although I couldn't tell you what that weight is.
Summer is a good time to resolve to eat better what with lots of fruit and veggies out there. I just need to eat them. As stated in my list, my kids eat great. I just need to make enough for me, not just for them because when I get right down to it, when I say "eat better," what I mean is that I need to eat more fruit and veggies and fewer bowls of ice cream.
Part of my eating better involves a decision I've been kicking around for quite a while, and even have an unfinished post on. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegetarian, and raise my kids the same way. I like meat—don't get me wrong—but I don't like it enough to cook it at home. Plus I have some issues with the meat industry. Someday maybe I'll get my post on this finished. In any case, I've almost never cooked beef at home, chicken bores me most of the time, and pork is fine, but it's not like I'd miss it. So I'm going to be what I'm calling an Opportunistic Carnivore. I hate to be that pain in everyone's ass when invited over to eat, and I don't want people having to deal with my dietary issues when out or at someone's house. So if served meat, I will eat it. At home, no. Same for the twins. My pediatrician has raised her kids this way, and it seems sensible to me. I find that I will eat more veggies if I need to incorporate them into my main course, so for me, I think going veggie most of the time will help me eat the way I want to eat.
I've got a fairly decent, if not expansive, repertoire of things that the kids and I will all eat:
quesadillas
enchiladas
mac'n'cheese w/veggies
tortellini/ravioli
spinach pie
quiche, with or without crust
lentil casserole
veggie burgers
hummus (kids are lukewarm, but have only had it once)
I'm always looking to add to my list. Any ideas? I'll do more soups in winter, but summer is not the best soup time. Although I just remembered a really good cold pea soup recipe that I have . . .
OK, I need to get on with my day. One final note: work continues to look up. My job description has been revised so that I now directly supervise someone in my department, giving me some management experience that I've been wanting for a while. I'm also doing some writing, which I enjoy.
And! I finished Tsotsi last night. Loved it. The ending was perfect. Loved it, loved it. I cried and cried, but it was so very good. More movies for me in the future. I'm also going to borrow the complete Arrested Development from a friend so that I can balance movies with some TV entertainment.
I feel good today, more centered than I have for a while, even while being aware of and honoring the constant sadness I carry from John's absence. I feel like moving ahead.
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