29 July 2007

Coming Apart at the Seams

My dad is doing better. Thank goodness for that.

The eating thing with the kids is better, too, so thank goodness for that. Mealtimes have been pretty peaceful.

What's not better re: kids is their evening time. There is so much crying and so much discontent in the hour between 6:00 and 7:00 lately. Sobbing, bereft small folk carrying on and on and on! They seem so tired, but if I put them to bed earlier than 7:00, they get up even earlier than they already do (currently awake between 6:00 and 7:00; out of bed at 7:00, once I'm done with my shower). I just can't deal with them getting up earlier since I have to get up 30 minutes before they do to get my morning routine out of the way. Maybe it's not fair to expect them to adapt to my schedule and cranky evenings are the price I'm paying.

What's also not better: me. I think planning John's memorial is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Makes sense, but of course it's happening at a time when I am behind/overwhelmed at work, behind on personal projects, and dealing with cranky babies.

The memorial is going to be fairly simple. (Have I written about this before?) It's on August 18, in the late afternoon, with time for people to watch a slideshow of pictures from John's life, make a page for a scrapbook for Maddie and Riley, and play softball. Then there will be a buffet dinner, then a candle-lighting. That's all. No one gets to speechify at the candle-lighting, except maybe me. John's parents want to know what they can contribute; I don' t know how to tactfully tell them "nothing." They have a way of turning events that aren't theirs into theirs, and I won't have that at John's memorial.

There are going to be a million people in town that weekend; I'm not looking forward to crowd control. My parents, John's parents, my sis-in-law, and brother-in-law are all going to want lots of time with the kids. That's nice, but that means lots of people in my very small house during a time when I'm going to need some personal space. Plus there are friends I'm going to want to see, but I'm not sure when I'll have time. I probably won't. That's OK in the sense that they will understand, but I'll miss the comfort of time with them.

Lots of people can't come. It's summer, people have other plans. It's too far for some people to travel. I admit that I'm disappointed that some people aren't making more of an effort.

I need to do laundry. I need to find myself some dinner. I have a training for work tomorrow, which is going to leave me even further behind than I already am. Today started off great for the most part was a wonderful day. The kids were in such good moods for the morning. We went for a run with my neighbor, Maddie and Riley took a great morning nap, I got to talk to my dad, we took a walk to Trader Joe's had a friend and her baby over for lunch.

Then things got hairy. Riley cried and cried and CRIED for his afternoon nap, finally going to sleep after two interventions from me. His mood was not great for the rest of the day. We had some other friends over in the afternoon, and that was fun until the 6:00 crankfest began and there was much sobbing and horribleness. The twins did go to bed without a peep, so that's something. But when the afternoon/evening are hard, it's very difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything (except bitch on my blog) once the twins are sleeping.

Last night, after a lovely afternoon/evening with friends, I went to bed early. 9:15. I did a little (very little) pen and paper journaling and some drawing. I lit John's candle. I slept really well and the day started with so much promise. I hate feeling beaten down already, less than 24 hours later.

In comments, people have asked me about looking into anti-depressants. It's a worthwhile consideration. I'm a very medicine-leery person by nature. Also, and maybe this is strange, I worry that if I were to take ADs, and they helped me feel better, I wouldn't work through the grief that I need to work through. If I felt good enough to set that grief aside for now, would it come back ten times worse later on for never having been processed? That's probably an ass-backwards way of looking at it. I also feel like if I'm on medication, I need to be seeing someone regularly for therapy and support. I see a social worker every two weeks right now. Time is a lame excuse, but it's my only one. I have no idea how I could find time to regularly meet with a professional who could help me with the medication and with keeping the processing I'm doing now moving forward. I'm leery. It's just me.

*********************************
I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday morning. She's at home for the weekend. She and my brother-in-law got tattoos to commemorate John. We had all talked about getting tattoos when John got cancer; instead, we got bracelets because getting tattoos is not really advisable for cancer patients and we wanted something that could be a family symbol. So bracelets it was.

The tattoos that my sibs-in-law got are three interlocking circles, one for each of them plus John. If I'd gotten a tattoo when John got diagnosed, I would have gotten the symbol that we used on our wedding invitations, which was designed by my best friend's brother. It's a yin-yang symbol, but made of two geese. I can't describe it, and I don't have it in a format that can be posted here, drat.

In any case, I'm thinking that I might get the tattoo now. What I can't decide is where to do it. My first thought it to do it on my back, low and center, by the waistband of my pants. But then I can't see it without doing some major contortions. But do I need to be able to see it? I'm not sure. I want someplace where it will mostly be hidden by clothing, at least not visible in the workplace. Ideas?

47 comments:

Yankee T said...

If you have it small enough, you could go with the top of your arm, near your shoulder. By the way, have you seen Badger's posts about her tattoos? Very moving. I'm sure her archives are still up.

I would feel the same way about the anti-depressants. Moving through the grief sounds right, but who knows? Maybe if all they did was take the edge off, oh hell, Snick, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'll shut up now.

Sending you and the babies loving thoughts. As always, I'm so sorry about all of it. I know the one thing you really want, you can't have.

Email if there's anything at all I can do.

Heather said...

AD drugs don't stop you from 'feeling', they just stop the feeling from sucking you into a hole from which you can't get out. Having suffered through a delayed mourning, I think you are wise to see the value of mourning now, but do not assume the drugs will stop that process. In fact, if you find the right doctor (and I would advocate doing therapy in conjunction with the AD), taking the medication will give you the power and resolve to do a better job working through this difficult time. Please see someone and get help. I didn't and paid a huge price 15 years later.

Elaine said...

My mother, who thinks much as you do about drugs, relied on anti-depressants during the last month or so of my Dad's life (he was sick with ALS), and the first two or three months after he died. She found them useful, and then went off them and has never touched them again. I get the impression it can be a helpful tool when needed, just like any other drug.

legalmama said...

I obviously don't know you, but you sound sad to me, as of course you would, but not necessary "depressed" as in clinically depressed and in need of medication. I took anti-depressants when I was pregnant with my twins. I didn't feel sad. I felt that I'd never be happy ever again, and that I couldn't cope with my life. It was like their were dementors folling me around, if you are a Harry Potter reader at all. I'd had periods in my life before where I was sad, or in a funk, and thought about taking anti-depressants. Where I had a broken relationship that I was grieving really hard, or intense career dissatisfaction, etc. This feeling I had when I was pregnant (clearly hormone-driven) was so different from that feeling, that normal "oh, I'm so depressed feeling" that I was desperate for help.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't look into anti-depressants, or that they wouldn't help you, but don't feel guilty about not making the time for it. I think you are doing remarkably well, based on what I read here, which of course if not your real life, so may not be an accurate reflection of how you are coping.

Anonymous said...

Another thought on anti-depressants:
Having depression and being depressed are different, I think. You clearly have many reasons to feel depressed, but that may not be the same as having depression.

That being said, your posts remind me of me and I have anxiety. My doctor and I agree that I don't have depression, but the med I take for anxiety is an anti-depressant (Lexapro.) Although I still worry and fret, it's NOTHING compared to the frenzy I could whip myself into before drugs. I am so happy I finally made the appointment and asked my doctor for help.

So - if and when you do seek medical advice, ask about anxiety, too.

Karen O.

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

I love the tattoo idea. If I ever got one it would be small and discreet on my upper breast. Somewhere I could see it but no one else unless, obviously, I wanted them to.

Hmm, late afternoon/early eve crabbies. Hard to remember what mine were doing at that age. Although I do remember early bed times until they were 7 1/2 and I could no longer get away with it ;) Hope it is a short stage. I do remember being completely frazzled by the time I got them all to bed!

Glad to hear you got to talk to your Dad and he is doing ok.

My brother died at 20. My parents took anti-depressants to get them through the first awful months/year. It helped them function and get stronger. I'm not sure but it sounds like you are functioning fine but if you feel the need do not hesitate to talk to your doctor about them. Depression is so completely draining :( I know.

If it would help you to take AD's why not? Talk therapy would no doubt be beneficial too. A safe person to let it all out with.

Take care.

Lara said...

This might work if you don't rely on the shower to help rouse you in the morning...have you thought about showering at night? That's when I do it so I don't have to worry about fitting it in before the kids wake up. I wash my hair in the morning in the sink - much easier to squeeze that in than a full shower. Good luck!

Dorcasina said...

Okay, this synchronicity between us is getting creepy...I have been wanting (since shortly after he died) to get a tattoo of the small design my husband and I had on our wedding invites...it's a "dingbat" that looks something like a small, technical/modernist flower....but not "flowery." I am contemplating having it somewhere along my collar bone, outside of most necklines.

As for ADs, I have taken them for *years*. I have very few effective coping strategies for my anxiety and self-loathing, and while they have not made me "happy" per se, they have turned down the negative static I had in my head constantly. Which in turn gives me energy to face life. I do NOT feel as though I have mourned/grieved less, or less thoroughly. I have, however, been able to recognize being sad and lonely for what they are, instead of seeing them as yet more evidence of my basic inadequacy as a human being.

And yes, there is a difference between being rightfully sad and overwhelmed and being clinically "depressed" (a slippery enough concept as it is...). As I said in my private email, please consider finding someone to come in for a couple hours at least a few evenings a week, to help you a bit.

And as for the memorial, how about if you let all those family members dote on your gorgeous babes while you get out of the house and reconnect with some of those friends? And to be honest, I don't remember my husband's memorial at ALL. I planned it carefully, thought about what he would want and what I would want, and thought I cared about who was there, but I honestly cannot remember who came and who didn't. I'm glad I did it, but it's a complete and utter blur.Not sure if that will be true of yours, since it's farther along and you are probably not quite so in-the-fog as we all are shortly after the loss.

Please remember that what you are trying to do is impossible, even without the heavy burden of grief and loss. Let your friends and family help you, and help the babies. It will be good for everyone.

amy said...

When my mom died, i was having a terrible time dealing with my kids, house, and life after my mom's death. not sleeping much, wanting to sleep all the time, total irritation with life, etc.

also, i had taken academic leave from my masters in social work program (to become a therapist, no less) and so i knew the drill about meds, therapy, and all that. NOT FOR ME.

after suffering for 6 months, i finally agreed, somewhat against my will (but with the strongly worded encouragement from, well, everyone i knew) to go see a psychiatrist and talk about the "possibility" of meds. i met with him a couple times (he is in Brookline)and was very clear that I was NOT interested in going on medication, that I didn't want to cheat myself out of the grieving I must do, I wasn't depressed, I was SAD, and all that.

After meeting with him a couple times and his assurances that while I was NOT clinically depressed, I agreed to TRY lexapro--it had the fewest side effects and maybe, just maybe it might take the edge off and let me do something other than cry for the hour i was spending in therapy once a week with a social worker.

It was the best thing I've ever done--I began sleeping through the night again, and finally I was able to work through my grief over my mom's death in a constructive way. My irritation became much more "normal" and not so pervasive, I could handle the flotsam and jetsam of 3 kids and a family without losing it, and I felt like myself again. Not myself blunted or drugged out, but myself, sad. But not so sad that I couldn't do all the other stuff.

I was on it for a year, then was ready to stop and see how life was without it. I think because I was able to work through what i needed to with the help of the lexapro keeping me from being sucked into the abyss of grief, being off Lexapro wasn't any different than being on it.

I eat mostly organic food, do not eat meat, am a triathlete, not into medications per se, so i understand the reluctance of anyone to take something that might mess with the mind, body and feelings. All I can say is, I was dead set against it and it ended up being one of the best things I could do for myself.

I'd be glad to give you the name of the doc i went to--I continued to see my own therapist as i had been, and only had to meet with him once every 6-8 weeks just to check in on how i was doing on the lexapro, the time in between appts. lengthened as the year went on. So, not a huge time commitment at all.

my email is ASL4162@charter.net

amy

Rev Dr Mom said...

I'm pretty drug-adverse, too, and I think I would feel the same way you do. I think from what your write you sound like you are handling all that is on your plate with incredible strength and grace. But you are the only one who can say how you feel--if it is sucking all the life out of you as someone else said. And certainly, a counselor along with any meds is always a good idea.

As for cranky babies, I guess that is part of the ebb and flow of it all....I understand the time crunch and the feeling of being beaten down at night (having been a single parent, albeit in very different circumstances).

I hope that the memorial can be a time of respite for you and not added stress. And I hope that your inlaws will be able to respect whatever boundaries you set up. (Else we might have to all get after them with a cluestick!!)

Take care!

scarp said...

My impression of meds is similar to what others have said - although I am generally wary of things that have that big an impact on a person, AD can help you get to a point where you are able to deal with things from more a place of strength. Although you don't sound here like you are clinically depressed, you do make comments about lack of motivation at work, etc, which speak to how this is impacting your ability to carry on your life right now.

As for the babes, start with being aware of your own mood in the evening (pre-meltdown time). Little ones are awfully sensitive to mom's mood. Then consider whether nap or meal times (or both) need to be adjusted slightly to help them last a little longer at night. Maybe if the afternoon nap was even only 15-30 minutes later, they'd be ok. Other than that, maybe if you could introduce a favorite activity (reading, bathtime, video) just before the meltdown starts, they'd forget to be cranky. Sometimes it is just a matter of breaking a pattern that they foolishly created for themselves.

Hope you find the key! I'll be praying for you!

halfmama said...

You have a lot to deal with. It can't hurt to ask a doctor about ADs. If he/she starts scribbling on his/her prescription pad as soon as you mention it, keep moving until you find one who will listen, or at least send you to a therapist before prescribing. I know that takes time, but therapists are there to help. They might be willing to work around your schedule. Maybe even a weekly phone conversation...?

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. I can't imagine the weight on your shoulders. I'm sending you all my mental hugs right now. And I'm glad your dad is better.

Rachel said...

I think your reasons for not wanting to take ADs are sound and sensible. There is nothing wrong with taking them, but I understand your hesitation too. They can be addictive and sometimes have terrible side effects.

I like the tattoo idea. How about on your shoulder? I have a tattoo on my shoulder and no one ever sees it unless I go swimming.

I used to call those early evening hours the "witching hour". Sometimes an early-evening walk helped calm her down.

The memorial sounds beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Re Rachel's comment, ADs are most certainly not addictive. That's like saying insulin for diabetics is addictive. ADs correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. I'm getting a bit weary of the misconceptions out there around these medications.

liz said...

I concur with everyone else re: ADs. They are a useful tool to help cope.

Re: cranky babies. Can you move their afternoon nap up a bit? Riley's inability to get to sleep for that nap might have been that he was too tired to sleep, ykwim?

That's my only bit of advice. Hugs and love.

Sylvie said...

The memorial sounds lovely, a good way for people to share their memories and offer support, and be together. Sorry for the cranky babies... Maybe it will be nice to have a houseful of guests who want to lend a hand. Give you a chance to see friends and someone else a chance to snuggle the fussy ones!

rose said...

My tattoo is on my lower-right abdomen (just to the right of my c-section scar). I chose the spot because it's discreet; no one can see it unless I am naked. But I can see it easily.

As for the babes; both of my daughters switched from two short naps a day to one long nap-per-day (just after lunchtime) when they turned one year old. Maybe the twins are ready for this?

Leggy said...

So much to comment on but i'm too sleep deprived to form a coherent thought. So here's my random thoughts. Re: the memorial- Use the overload of relatives to get out of the house and go visit with the friends you really want to see while they babysit. Is that an option?
Re: antidepressants. They numb enough to be able to function, but they aren't going to turn you into a zombie. Also, you can start slow and either stop taking them, or don't up the dosage if you start to feel wigged. I think its worth considering.

Arwen said...

I know many people who have taken ADs just for a short while (3-6 months) just to get them over the hump. You still feel emotions, but they help with that drowning feeling and lack of motivation. I hope you weren't offended by my suggestion of the ADs because I think you are doing an incredible job keeping yourself together and rearing your kids, the ADs will just lighten the load so to speak. {{{hug}}}

Iselyahna said...

My only advice...

The inside of your wrist (that way it is in a sensitive spot, showing that he was part of you at your most open, vulnerable level//that it is near where blood flows, showing that he was like the life flowing through your veins).

Or your ankle, because nobody is going to look there...

Heather said...

I'm being lazy and not going through the other comments but my widowy two cents...

As for the tattoo, I got one - his artist signature with his birth and death years on the sides, it a little larger than a silver dollar and on my skull above my hairline - I like the idea that he is somehow literally always on my mind. I did have enough hair to cover where they shaved for the tattoo. It is my 4th, and none of them show in work or dressy clothing - but that is my own thing.

As for the ADs, I used some St. John's Wort to kind of take the edge off. I quickly got used to the idea {and trained those around me} that I had every emotion every day. I had friends ask me about ADs too but the way that I saw it was that I was proufoundly sad, my eating and sleeping habits didn't change all that much {increase in comfort food but a little decrease in eating in general} and that mainly I was sad, that it was natural and right to be sad and that {like you} I knew that I needed to feel that sadness eventually and it was better done then instead of 35 years from now or whatever.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

my tattoo is located about an inch & 1/2 above my knee on the outer part of my leg. easy to cover (pants, knee length or longer skirts/shorts) and easy to show off if I decide to (shorter or slit skirts/shorts).

my heart goes out to you and your children. you're doing an amazing job. bless you.

Kimberly said...

Some others said this too, but have your family get their time with the kids while giving you a break at the same time. Let them take them on walks or to the park or just out so you can be home without the commotion. Or else let them stay, while you go out.

If you find the key to an easier evening with toddlers, please let me know. It's hard, but they'll grow and it will get easier.

The tattoo design sounds beautiful, where ever it goes.

Kirsten said...

For the tattoo location - how about sort of over your heart on your left breast, but coverable with bra or bathing suit? alternatively, lower abdomen?

I would echo what others have said about using AD's short-term - it is totally appropriate and can be helpful. Hang in there!
--Kirsten

manda said...

I'm glad your dad is doing okay. Also, I'm crossing my fingers for you as far as John's parents behavior at the memorial service. After the landscaping episode and reading about them removing artwork from your walls and throwing it out, I'm really stressed out for you over this. I mean, really, I'm going to have anxiety about this even though I don't know you in real life just through blog-reading.
Also, I think the tattoo idea is wonderful. The image you described sounds very unique and tattoo worthy. Especially for all that it signifies.
I hope your babies are doing well. And you should know how much I admire your strength everytime I read your blog. - manda

buddha_girl said...

Grief is more work than most things I can think of in life. The fact that you can even string together words to make us remotely understand what you're dealing with while also going through the everyday motions of life is an amazing feat.

I'll be there in spirit at John's memorial. Response to the in-laws: The best thing you can do is be there and hold memories of John near to your heart."

If they dig, prune, move, or utter untoward comments, call me. I'll make the drive and have a sit-down with 'em.

Crying/fussing:
Some kids do that nightly thing for many reasons. Knowing that you can't put them down at 7pm is a GOOD thing. Buddha was like your kids at that age. I finally realized that he did it on nights when he hadn't gotten all of his energy out earlier in the day at day care.

B.E.C.K. said...

Re: antidepressants -- I agree with what Heather said. They don't keep you from feeling, contrary to public opinion. Also, they're not a cop-out. Concurrent talk therapy is helpful, too. I was on Celexa for a time, and found it extremely helpful; I still felt what I needed to feel, and worked through what I needed to, but I was able to function much better.

On a different topic: If the in-laws insist on contributing something to your husband's memorial, I wonder if you could ask them to provide flowers? I realize that may seem odd, given the fairly recent gardening debacle, but it might give them something to focus on and keep them out of your hair.

Sending you lots of love and light...

Christine said...

Snick -- It sounds like, as usual, you have a lot going on. As a lifelong depression sufferer, I want to tell you that I resisted meds for years. Of course, I was dealing with chronic, anxiety-fueled depression and not situational depression, but the end result is the same. Every time I would go to a new doc, the meds would get mentioned, and I would say I wanted to deal with it myself. I finally got to a point where I couldn't anymore and took the help. It was the smartest thing I could have done. They help, in so many ways. They don't take away your grief; they help you navigate it better. Believe me, I still cry on my meds, and I still have bad days. Ultimately, it is a hugely personal decision, but I just wanted to give you some perspective. Hugs to you and the little ones.

Wabi said...

Sorry you are feeling in the ditch right now. I don't have much to say about ADs, other than I think that it's ok to say "I'm too busy right now to think about that" and revisit the idea later, if it keeps creeping back up in your mind. It could be that once you get through the emotional roller coaster of planning and attending the memorial, you will less beaten down.

As for the twins being fussy between six and seven p.m. -- somebody else mentioned that they might be ready to switch from two naps to one soon, and I would second that idea. They might still be cranky in the short term at the end of the day while they adjust, but they may end up going to bed when you want and sleeping in a little later, too.

mommo4.5 said...

I'm thinking of your concern over your inlaws trying to take control of the memorial service, and thinking of similar situations I have been in. I don't know what they mean by "contribute," if they mean they want to say something at the memorial, or if they just want to feel that they've helped you out in some way, but I wonder if you told them something specific that they could do (provide something for the buffet, maybe? I don't know) then they would be satisfied that they had helped and back off. I worry if you told them (ever so tactfully) "nothing" they would think up something on their own that could end up being upsetting for you. I know you would rather they not contribute at all, but at least this way you would be able to (hopefully) control their involvement.

It sounds like a lovely memorial you have planned. I especially like the scrapbook for the twins. I pray it will be a peaceful day for all of you.

NanarocksWeen said...

My tat is on my right leg - on the outside, near my ankle. I like it there. It has great symbolic meaning to me. I'm glad I got it (2 years ago).

Re: meds - I think they would just take the edge off. I'm on anti-depressants (Effexor), and I still get sad--just not crying all the time like I was. A 59-year-old grandma's 2 cents, for what it's worth.

Beth: said...

You don't come across as being clinically depressed, but what do I know? I'm just a stranger in the internets.

One challenge with ADs is that it can be a bear trying to find just the right one, at just the right dosage. Been there. Was awful. Another challenge is that for some folk, being on them is worse. Suicidally worse. Been there too. So I muddle along without.

RE: cranky babies. As someone else mentioned, you could try changing their naps a bit. It may help them get through the evening better. Many (most? all?) babies go through phases wherein they are super cranky at a particular time, most days. It passes. Hang in there.

Hoping this evening is peaceful ....

meme said...

Tattoo: On the arm? High on the forearm or bicep would be hidden by most shirts. Otherwise, upper hip (where your torso joins your legs, on the front instead of back). And of course, anywhere above the knee, are all discreet.

Back tattoos are the most painful, I've heard.

Anonymous said...

AD's just help take the edge off from the grieving, you still feel everything (and I speak from experience) but you are able to handle life and everything else that is thrown at you on top of the grieving that you are doing. I tried a couple different kinds before finding one that worked, took them from the 10 month mark to about the 20 month mark.

My son's nickname was Toad (or Toadster). My daughter and step-daughter each got a frog tattoo in memory of their brother. Daughter's is on her upper back, between her shoulder blades, step-daughter's is on her lower right calf. It is an outline frog, no colour, just the black ink.

Chickenpig said...

I agree with other posters that point out that there is a big difference between feeling deep sadness and being overwhelmed and feeling depressed, which is hormonal and is more easily overcome with medication. Only you (and a health professional) can tell the difference. I took a mild AD after having my twins for PPD and anxiety, and roughly a year after they were born I had another mild bout, which I worked through without meds. From what I understand, many women have a hormone crash about a year after the birth of a child, and the grief you are feeling for the loss of your husband, and the stress of family as triggers...well you have a recipe for some serious blues. Whatever you do, I hope that the memorial service brings you some comfort, and that you are able to take some time after all the family and friends are gone to be just by yourself.

The tattoo design sounds beautiful. Because it's round in shape, the lower back, or maybe higher between your shoulder blades where you could choose to show it with a low back dress or top, would be nicely centered. Around the navel might be nice too, then you could see it. I think stuff on the arm for women isn't great, because of strapless dresses at weddings and the like.

Alice said...

Have you tried giving them a little bit of juice at 6 pm? For my kids, they would have a daily meltdown around 4:30-5:30 pm. I used to call it the witching hour. My friend and I are sure it was a blood sugar low. So I started giving them a small cup of juice right before that time and they were their normal reasonable selves.

OK...sending you positive energy too. Alice

OTRgirl said...

I love the tatoo idea. I always wanted one on my hip, the downside being it might get distorted by life (stretched and deflated if I ever got pregnant). I have a very small, homemade tatoo on my ankle and it's never impacted me professionally.

As for meds, I hear a lot of valid reasons from the other commentors. I think the key element in walking through the grieving process is to find a place where it's safe to talk or cry or whatever. To feel what you are feeling in an environment where you don't have to worry about the other person's feelings and where you can be sad or needy or vulnerable. I guess I would try that first (the counseling element) and then re-evaluate the need for meds from there.

That being said, after Mom died, my sister and I had the unbelievable luxury of sitting around the house for a month. If we were too depressed to do anything, we didn't. If we had energy, we cleared and sorted through Mom's stuff. I have no idea how hard it would be to get through the depression phase of grief in the midst of an intense life/schedule. If the meds help make it possible, I could see the benefit of that.

Mama Nabi said...

*hug* I don't know much about ADs - I am as leery as you are... my sister took them (she may still be taking them) for a while and did say it was hard when she stopped because some of the feelings felt more intense, probably because she was so used to not feeling them fully (her words). I agree that you should talk to a few professionals and see what they say - because my sister also said that it helped her tremondously to get over things.
RE: twins... could be teething woes that are keeping them cranky, waking up early, etc.. Ibuprofen (over Tylenol - Tyl worked better just for fevers, I think, but not as well for pain?) worked wonders (well, helped a bit) for LN when she had cranky phase... downside is that it lasted quite a while, several weeks, off and on... and then would come back when new teeth were coming out, i.e. molars... eek!
Hope you get to spend some peaceful time with friends amidst all the traffic.
Oh, tattoo - if I were to get one, I'd probably go with upper thigh or just above the hipbone (where it's a bit fleshier, though; otherwise it'd hurt...)
*hug*

Anonymous said...

Do NOT get a tattoo, especially if you are depressed, and especially NOT on your lower back. Ever heard of a "Tramp Stamp?"

Ever seen a good looking 40 year old tatoo?

Snickollet said...

Anon: I am sad. I may or may not be depressed. I am not a tramp. I would rather be any of those things, though, than mean-spirited and thoughtless--not to mention cowardly!--which is what you are.

soralis said...

Thinking of you... sending you a big hug.

Sorry about the crabby evenings with the kids, I hope it gets better. With my twins I just try to keep them very distracted when they get that way in the evening. Good luck you have a lot on your plate

Anonymous said...

I got a tattoo on the top of my foot. I can cover it for work with shoes but I can let it show when I wear sandals. I also like that I can see it whenever I want without contorting my body.

winecat said...

Antidepressants - What Heather said. They help so you can actually deal the with grief, stress, etc. instead of dealing with the symptoms. Being able to sleep was a wonderful benefit.

Take Care

Lauren said...

Hi there,
I have a tatto on my back, between my shoulder blades. It's pretty easy to cover up, and very easy to show off. Since I'm in the Northwest and that area doesn't see much sun for long stretches of time, the colors have stayed pretty vivid. I wish I could help with the AD issue, but the best advice I can give is to listen to your own instincts.

Anonymous said...

What was John's favorite spot on you?

Sam said...

I don't know if anyone else in the comments has said this, but PLEASE don't get a tattoo on your lower back in the middle. It's known as a "Tramp Stamp" or "bull's eye" and several other not nice terms that essentially scream "Hi, I'm a slut". I'm sure that is not the message you want to portray!