My dad is doing better. Thank goodness for that.
The eating thing with the kids is better, too, so thank goodness for that. Mealtimes have been pretty peaceful.
What's not better re: kids is their evening time. There is so much crying and so much discontent in the hour between 6:00 and 7:00 lately. Sobbing, bereft small folk carrying on and on and on! They seem so tired, but if I put them to bed earlier than 7:00, they get up even earlier than they already do (currently awake between 6:00 and 7:00; out of bed at 7:00, once I'm done with my shower). I just can't deal with them getting up earlier since I have to get up 30 minutes before they do to get my morning routine out of the way. Maybe it's not fair to expect them to adapt to my schedule and cranky evenings are the price I'm paying.
What's also not better: me. I think planning John's memorial is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Makes sense, but of course it's happening at a time when I am behind/overwhelmed at work, behind on personal projects, and dealing with cranky babies.
The memorial is going to be fairly simple. (Have I written about this before?) It's on August 18, in the late afternoon, with time for people to watch a slideshow of pictures from John's life, make a page for a scrapbook for Maddie and Riley, and play softball. Then there will be a buffet dinner, then a candle-lighting. That's all. No one gets to speechify at the candle-lighting, except maybe me. John's parents want to know what they can contribute; I don' t know how to tactfully tell them "nothing." They have a way of turning events that aren't theirs into theirs, and I won't have that at John's memorial.
There are going to be a million people in town that weekend; I'm not looking forward to crowd control. My parents, John's parents, my sis-in-law, and brother-in-law are all going to want lots of time with the kids. That's nice, but that means lots of people in my very small house during a time when I'm going to need some personal space. Plus there are friends I'm going to want to see, but I'm not sure when I'll have time. I probably won't. That's OK in the sense that they will understand, but I'll miss the comfort of time with them.
Lots of people can't come. It's summer, people have other plans. It's too far for some people to travel. I admit that I'm disappointed that some people aren't making more of an effort.
I need to do laundry. I need to find myself some dinner. I have a training for work tomorrow, which is going to leave me even further behind than I already am. Today started off great for the most part was a wonderful day. The kids were in such good moods for the morning. We went for a run with my neighbor, Maddie and Riley took a great morning nap, I got to talk to my dad, we took a walk to Trader Joe's had a friend and her baby over for lunch.
Then things got hairy. Riley cried and cried and CRIED for his afternoon nap, finally going to sleep after two interventions from me. His mood was not great for the rest of the day. We had some other friends over in the afternoon, and that was fun until the 6:00 crankfest began and there was much sobbing and horribleness. The twins did go to bed without a peep, so that's something. But when the afternoon/evening are hard, it's very difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything (except bitch on my blog) once the twins are sleeping.
Last night, after a lovely afternoon/evening with friends, I went to bed early. 9:15. I did a little (very little) pen and paper journaling and some drawing. I lit John's candle. I slept really well and the day started with so much promise. I hate feeling beaten down already, less than 24 hours later.
In comments, people have asked me about looking into anti-depressants. It's a worthwhile consideration. I'm a very medicine-leery person by nature. Also, and maybe this is strange, I worry that if I were to take ADs, and they helped me feel better, I wouldn't work through the grief that I need to work through. If I felt good enough to set that grief aside for now, would it come back ten times worse later on for never having been processed? That's probably an ass-backwards way of looking at it. I also feel like if I'm on medication, I need to be seeing someone regularly for therapy and support. I see a social worker every two weeks right now. Time is a lame excuse, but it's my only one. I have no idea how I could find time to regularly meet with a professional who could help me with the medication and with keeping the processing I'm doing now moving forward. I'm leery. It's just me.
I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday morning. She's at home for the weekend. She and my brother-in-law got tattoos to commemorate John. We had all talked about getting tattoos when John got cancer; instead, we got bracelets because getting tattoos is not really advisable for cancer patients and we wanted something that could be a family symbol. So bracelets it was.
The tattoos that my sibs-in-law got are three interlocking circles, one for each of them plus John. If I'd gotten a tattoo when John got diagnosed, I would have gotten the symbol that we used on our wedding invitations, which was designed by my best friend's brother. It's a yin-yang symbol, but made of two geese. I can't describe it, and I don't have it in a format that can be posted here, drat.
In any case, I'm thinking that I might get the tattoo now. What I can't decide is where to do it. My first thought it to do it on my back, low and center, by the waistband of my pants. But then I can't see it without doing some major contortions. But do I need to be able to see it? I'm not sure. I want someplace where it will mostly be hidden by clothing, at least not visible in the workplace. Ideas?