On My Mind

Last night, I got up with Riley at around 2:30. He just couldn't get comfortable, and while he was not crying, I could hear on the monitor that he was futzing around and was restless. He had cried so hard at dinner that he threw up most of what he ate (poor overtired, sick man), so I thought he might be hungry. I put some milk in a bottle, got him up, and settled down in the glider in the living room.

When I pulled him out of his crib, he still had his frog lovey and his blankie with him. He was not happy about being awake, and clung to me for dear life. We settled into the rocker and he took the bottle easily, snuggling as close to me as he could, holding his frog and blanket, letting me hold the bottle for him. When the bottle was done, I put him up on my shoulder and he sighed. I wrapped his blankie around him and rocked him for a few minutes, stroking his head and his back, telling him I loved him and that I was sorry he was sick.

He didn't fall asleep, but he was very relaxed. I laid him back down in his crib, kissed him, and closed his door. He ended up talking to himself for almost an hour. "A-ba!" he would call out (his version of agua). "Eh-mo!" (his version of Elmo). "Ba ba ba, da ta pa." He was totally happy, mellowed out, hanging around. He finally fell asleep around 3:45. I was wide awake, too, unaccustomed anymore to being up and around in the night. I ended up getting a snack, reading for a while, and listening to the Ri-Man.

I don't miss regular middle-of-the-night feedings, but it was nice to snuggle the man for a while and help him feel better. It was nice, too, to know that I could put him to bed awake and that he'd keep himself company until he was ready to sleep. There were many days when Riley was an infant that I never thought he'd sleep through the night or allow me to put him down in his crib awake without screams of protest.

I miss him (and Maddie, too, of course) so much today. Maddie was such a good companion to me yesterday. I spent a lot of time tending to the sick boy, and she was patient and did a great job of playing by herself when she needed to. She and I got an hour of "girl time" while Riley took an extra nap. I did some cooking while Maddie had some graham crackers and milk at the kitchen table in her clip-on chair. She was excellent company. She played with zucchini slices and narrated the whole experience in Maddie-chatter.

They are good babies. They are my babies. I can't wait to see them in a few hours.