Maddie's not the only one with adjustment issues these days. I'm having issues myself.
I hesitate to blog about work because, well, duh, it's dumb to blog about work. Some of my coworkers occasionally read my blog, what I write is intended for public consumption, and I'm not anonymous, so caution is warranted. But I can say this much about work without it being too much: for the past month or so, work has been totally kicking my ASS. I've made a ton of dumb errors (and been called out on them by people as high up as the president of the college. Niiiiice.) I manage seven people, morale in the office is low, and I have not done a good job of helping to bring morale up. I haven't felt good at what I do in quite a while. I wake up at night and think about work, then when I'm actually at work, I'm distracted and distractable. It's just been hard.
I'm not a person who ties a whole lot up into my professional identity. That is to say, I don't feel like I define my success and worth through my job. That said, I spend 40 hours a week at work and it's wearing to feel like I'm spending that much of my time doing things poorly. Especially when I go home and deal with the fallout of adjustment to kindergarten and such.
Boo hoo blah blah. Instead of whining about it, I should be working on fixing it, right? Alas, my recent work-related mishaps are for the most part not a result of slacking off but rather a result of well, I'm not sure what. I'll think I've done a good job on something only to have mistakes pointed out to me by all kinds of people. I'll think I'm on top of something and then find out that I've overlooked something major.
Where is my brain, then? How can I get my head back in work? How can I do a better job of being empathetic to those I manage to help them to feel better about their work? How can I do all that and have empathy left for my children?
As Maddie and Riley get older (and their lives get more complex) and as my career grows longer in the tooth (and thus also more complex), I feel the squeeze of work/life balance more and more. Some might find that invigorating; I find it stressful, exhausting, and untenable. I think my recent mistakes at work are the result of simply not having the capacity to do all that I'm supposed to do. When forced to choose—work or family?—family wins, and work, which has needed a lot of attention of late, has not gotten all it needs.
There's no easy answer here. I'm doing the best that I can, just feeling frustrated and as though my best is falling short of the mark. We just wrapped up a big event at work, and this week is thus far all about figuring out just how many things got lost in the shuffle of event prep. With any luck, things will even out here on the work front in a couple of weeks, and on the school front, too. I've learned a lot about patience, at least as applies to situations, but patience with myself is a different matter entirely and getting practice in that area is just not very much fun.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
27 September 2011
22 September 2011
Back to School Night
I loathe back to school night. Loathe it. Last year, my loathing caught me by surprise; I was quite excited by seeing the classroom and going to the book fair and being courted by the PTA. Seriously! I was! But then I went and it was mayhem. No place to sit for dinner; crowds and lines and stuffy libraries; crazy activities; utter and complete chaos. I do not say this to fault anyone involved in organizing the event as that was all done well. This was the usual chaos of an elementary school, and it's the kind of thing that makes me totally nuts.
This year, I felt like I went in with the right attitude, but I was still snarly by just after dinner. Really snarly. Like, I'm-the-mom-who-yells-in-public kind of snarly. Maddie got separated from me and Riley on our way to the book fair, which made her sob (who can blame her?), but she found an adult who helped her find me and what do I do? Neglect to thank the adult and lay into Maddie about how she needs to stay with me.
Really. I did that.
Then, as we crossed the playground to the kids' classroom, Riley turned sharply and without warning directly in front of me, causing the both of us to flail our arms, teeter unsteadily, and regain footing (me) or do a face-plant (Riley). Here's what I said, in this order:
"Riley! Don't walk in front of me like that! It's crazymaking!"
"Are your new books OK?"
"Wait, are you OK?"
Once at their classroom, I was irritated by the relatively small number of conference appointments available at hours that work for working families, then realized that we're out of town the week of conferences anyway. Got that worked out with the teacher, who was very accommodating. But don't even get me started on how generally working-parent unfriendly public school is. Wow. I mean, I know there are lots of issues to fix in the U.S. educational system and this is not a top priority, but it is a problem.
After my rant regarding conferences, I managed to calm down. The chaos in the classroom was at a manageable level, and I enjoyed being shown around the room by Maddie and Riley and meeting the other parents. We had fun reading the new book club books before bed, and it all turned around. But there were some moments there when I was about to lose my mind.
I'm rarely bothered by being a single parent anymore. Oh, sure, for a bunch of reasons, I'd like to have a partner. But it used to be extremely hard for me to attend events where two-parent households were the clear majority. That's much easier for me now. But somehow, tonight, with two kids talking nonstop and parents talking to me, too, and only one me to take it all in, I felt overwhelmed. It doesn't help that work has been utter insanity. Sigh.
But my best friend will be here soon and we shall have mojitos and debrief, and a big event that has been consuming much of my time and energy at work will take place tomorrow night and then it's OVER and work can go back to normal levels of crazy, and we have fun stuff planned for the weekend.
It feels so wrong to feel so bad about back to school night. I've got lots of years for it to get better, I guess. I hope.
This year, I felt like I went in with the right attitude, but I was still snarly by just after dinner. Really snarly. Like, I'm-the-mom-who-yells-in-public kind of snarly. Maddie got separated from me and Riley on our way to the book fair, which made her sob (who can blame her?), but she found an adult who helped her find me and what do I do? Neglect to thank the adult and lay into Maddie about how she needs to stay with me.
Really. I did that.
Then, as we crossed the playground to the kids' classroom, Riley turned sharply and without warning directly in front of me, causing the both of us to flail our arms, teeter unsteadily, and regain footing (me) or do a face-plant (Riley). Here's what I said, in this order:
"Riley! Don't walk in front of me like that! It's crazymaking!"
"Are your new books OK?"
"Wait, are you OK?"
Once at their classroom, I was irritated by the relatively small number of conference appointments available at hours that work for working families, then realized that we're out of town the week of conferences anyway. Got that worked out with the teacher, who was very accommodating. But don't even get me started on how generally working-parent unfriendly public school is. Wow. I mean, I know there are lots of issues to fix in the U.S. educational system and this is not a top priority, but it is a problem.
After my rant regarding conferences, I managed to calm down. The chaos in the classroom was at a manageable level, and I enjoyed being shown around the room by Maddie and Riley and meeting the other parents. We had fun reading the new book club books before bed, and it all turned around. But there were some moments there when I was about to lose my mind.
I'm rarely bothered by being a single parent anymore. Oh, sure, for a bunch of reasons, I'd like to have a partner. But it used to be extremely hard for me to attend events where two-parent households were the clear majority. That's much easier for me now. But somehow, tonight, with two kids talking nonstop and parents talking to me, too, and only one me to take it all in, I felt overwhelmed. It doesn't help that work has been utter insanity. Sigh.
But my best friend will be here soon and we shall have mojitos and debrief, and a big event that has been consuming much of my time and energy at work will take place tomorrow night and then it's OVER and work can go back to normal levels of crazy, and we have fun stuff planned for the weekend.
It feels so wrong to feel so bad about back to school night. I've got lots of years for it to get better, I guess. I hope.
25 November 2009
Working at a Small Liberal-Arts College, Some Good Things
Parking is never a problem.
The walk from the parking lot to my building takes me across a bridge that spans a beautiful canyon, which is a calming and uplifting way to start the day.
Often, I end up walking with a coworker or two, most of whom are smart and interesting and make for enjoyable company.
Student-run coffee shops! Two of them! The students ring a little bell when you leave money in the tip jar. Pavlovian? No matter. Their coffee is GOOOOOOOD, and tip-worthy.
Full use of the campus library, including inter-library loan. On my way to get coffee today, I picked up Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell and People of the Book.
I'm dressed up today, by which I mean that I'm wearing a skirt made of polar fleece.
The dining hall. Fountain soda whenever my little heart desires it.
The sports center. Exercise whenever I can muster the energy to go work out.
A mail room. I never run out of stamps.
Oh, yeah, the work. It's pretty interesting.
All in all, not a bad gig.
The walk from the parking lot to my building takes me across a bridge that spans a beautiful canyon, which is a calming and uplifting way to start the day.
Often, I end up walking with a coworker or two, most of whom are smart and interesting and make for enjoyable company.
Student-run coffee shops! Two of them! The students ring a little bell when you leave money in the tip jar. Pavlovian? No matter. Their coffee is GOOOOOOOD, and tip-worthy.
Full use of the campus library, including inter-library loan. On my way to get coffee today, I picked up Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell and People of the Book.
I'm dressed up today, by which I mean that I'm wearing a skirt made of polar fleece.
The dining hall. Fountain soda whenever my little heart desires it.
The sports center. Exercise whenever I can muster the energy to go work out.
A mail room. I never run out of stamps.
Oh, yeah, the work. It's pretty interesting.
All in all, not a bad gig.
20 October 2009
Should, Should, Should
I should be calling Comcast right now, to try to figure out why my home Internet is out. Or I should be calling Social Security to figure out why they can't get the address changed on Maddie and Riley's survivor's benefit checks. Or perhaps I should call to make a long-overdue doctor's appointment for myself, or schedule all three of us to go to the dentist. I should look for flights to Michigan for Thanksgiving, I should look up a cupcake recipe for the treats I'm bringing to the office on Thursday.
But I've had a rough bit at work; I've managed to incur the wrath of my boss (even though she's on leave--I'm just that good) and the wrath of a faculty member, and between those two events, my work laptop was stolen. I suppose the theft of my laptop is not my fault, exactly, but then again I could have kept the key to the cable lock in a more discreet place . . . in any case, I'm feeling stretched a bit thin at work, and I find that once I start feeling low about one area in my life, I'm more apt to dwell on other things that bring me down: my unsold condo, the ensuing financial woes, the fact that John is dead.
One of the things I miss most about having a spouse is having an adult close at hand with whom to discuss the tough stuff. This job I have now sometimes requires me to navigate some rough water, and while overall it's a great job and a great place, the going can get pretty tough. Yes, it would be unspeakably nice to go home to someone who could help me with the logistics of our evening routine, it would be even better to have someone to debrief with after the kids were in bed. "Debriefing" for me these days involves ignoring the housework and other sundry chores, pouring a glass of wine, and watching 30 Rock on DVD. It's not unpleasant, but it doesn't do much to keep my house in order and it doesn't do much to help me process the challenges I face at work and at home. I miss that. A lot.
But I've had a rough bit at work; I've managed to incur the wrath of my boss (even though she's on leave--I'm just that good) and the wrath of a faculty member, and between those two events, my work laptop was stolen. I suppose the theft of my laptop is not my fault, exactly, but then again I could have kept the key to the cable lock in a more discreet place . . . in any case, I'm feeling stretched a bit thin at work, and I find that once I start feeling low about one area in my life, I'm more apt to dwell on other things that bring me down: my unsold condo, the ensuing financial woes, the fact that John is dead.
One of the things I miss most about having a spouse is having an adult close at hand with whom to discuss the tough stuff. This job I have now sometimes requires me to navigate some rough water, and while overall it's a great job and a great place, the going can get pretty tough. Yes, it would be unspeakably nice to go home to someone who could help me with the logistics of our evening routine, it would be even better to have someone to debrief with after the kids were in bed. "Debriefing" for me these days involves ignoring the housework and other sundry chores, pouring a glass of wine, and watching 30 Rock on DVD. It's not unpleasant, but it doesn't do much to keep my house in order and it doesn't do much to help me process the challenges I face at work and at home. I miss that. A lot.
14 October 2009
x2
I'm in the same position as lo so many bloggers before me: somehow I have gone from posting twice weekly to twice monthly, or so it's starting to feel.
It used to be that life unfolded as a series of blog posts for me. Even as events were happening, I was writing about them in my mind, as a way to get through them if they were uncomfortable or to celebrate them if they were wonderful. Now, more and more, I just experience them, and after they are over, I have a hard time recalling what made them so special or so wretched.
This past weekend, for instance, is a case in point. It was lovely. We had dinner at my mom and stepdad's house with some family friends, and we all ate and drank quite a lot and laughed as Maddie and Riley tried to juggle, and it was one of those evenings where my wine glass always seemed to be full and the kids were at their cutest. We spent the night at my mom and stepdad's, and in the morning, we went to a local nursery and the kids planted bulbs and got balloons and then we were good suburban, whitewashed Americans and we had lunch at McDonald's before heading home for naptime.
During naptime, my father arrived, and we spent the rest of the weekend enjoying his company. He put the kids to bed on Saturday night while I went out for a couple of hours with my best friend, then on Sunday morning we all went to the zoo. Bats eating broccoli! A really gigantic elephant! Sunday afternoon was spent cooking, then eating dinner with friends and family.
See, lovely, but as blog fodder, dull as can be. As I've pointed out before, it's quite boring to lead an unremarkable and happy life.
I was struck this weekend by two things: (1) how great it is to have these kinds of days, which are exactly the kinds of days I'd imagined and for which I moved home; the joy of it all regularly exceeds my expectations, and (2) it's so much easier to enjoy and manage my role as a parent when I have regular help. I had help all weekend this past weekend, and it's no coincidence that the weekend was so great. This is elementary, of course, but sometimes I think that I exaggerate how much logistically simpler life with an extra set of hands can be. But no, I do not exaggerate. It's infinitely simpler. It just is.
Work is busy and stressful. In many ways, I am happy to have a job that can be demanding of me. Work is more enjoyable for me when I'm really engaged in what I'm doing. But it's exhausting to do more than show up and sit in a chair, which is mostly what I did as my old job. I find that, as a result, I'm even more protective of my personal time than I used to be. I need to be, so that I can be on the ball at work.
Maddie and Riley are flourishing. All of a sudden, Maddie is really into coloring. She wants to color and do "projects" all the time. She cuts up tons of paper and then glues the bits together and attaches things with stickers and presents me with "coupons" and "tickets" and various kinds of animals and objects. Riley loves to tinker and fix things. Maddie has become a huge fan of taking showers and will linger under the water for twenty minutes or more, just spinning around, drinking from the "rain," and washing her little plastic turtle, known as Baby Glowy. Riley wants to be a recycle bin for Halloween; Maddie wants to be a panda bear. We read books, books and more and more books. Sometimes they prefer to play alone rather than to have me play with them, which is a welcome relief and a slap in the face. Riley informed me yesterday that I do not pick out good clothes for him, and it's true: his outfits are much more creative than mine. Maddie is obsessed with wearing tights. They like soup of all kinds. I fed them broccoli and cheddar quiche + salad one night this weekend for dinner and squash soup, bread, and salad another night to hearty appetites. That felt good.
That's where we are, that's what we do. We had a fire in our fireplace over the weekend, and Riley said, so earnestly and so joyfully, "Oh, Mama, let's read by the fire!" Somehow, that sweet little sentence was so triumphant to me. It made me feel like I was doing something right.
I feel so full, but words fail.
It used to be that life unfolded as a series of blog posts for me. Even as events were happening, I was writing about them in my mind, as a way to get through them if they were uncomfortable or to celebrate them if they were wonderful. Now, more and more, I just experience them, and after they are over, I have a hard time recalling what made them so special or so wretched.
This past weekend, for instance, is a case in point. It was lovely. We had dinner at my mom and stepdad's house with some family friends, and we all ate and drank quite a lot and laughed as Maddie and Riley tried to juggle, and it was one of those evenings where my wine glass always seemed to be full and the kids were at their cutest. We spent the night at my mom and stepdad's, and in the morning, we went to a local nursery and the kids planted bulbs and got balloons and then we were good suburban, whitewashed Americans and we had lunch at McDonald's before heading home for naptime.
During naptime, my father arrived, and we spent the rest of the weekend enjoying his company. He put the kids to bed on Saturday night while I went out for a couple of hours with my best friend, then on Sunday morning we all went to the zoo. Bats eating broccoli! A really gigantic elephant! Sunday afternoon was spent cooking, then eating dinner with friends and family.
See, lovely, but as blog fodder, dull as can be. As I've pointed out before, it's quite boring to lead an unremarkable and happy life.
I was struck this weekend by two things: (1) how great it is to have these kinds of days, which are exactly the kinds of days I'd imagined and for which I moved home; the joy of it all regularly exceeds my expectations, and (2) it's so much easier to enjoy and manage my role as a parent when I have regular help. I had help all weekend this past weekend, and it's no coincidence that the weekend was so great. This is elementary, of course, but sometimes I think that I exaggerate how much logistically simpler life with an extra set of hands can be. But no, I do not exaggerate. It's infinitely simpler. It just is.
Work is busy and stressful. In many ways, I am happy to have a job that can be demanding of me. Work is more enjoyable for me when I'm really engaged in what I'm doing. But it's exhausting to do more than show up and sit in a chair, which is mostly what I did as my old job. I find that, as a result, I'm even more protective of my personal time than I used to be. I need to be, so that I can be on the ball at work.
Maddie and Riley are flourishing. All of a sudden, Maddie is really into coloring. She wants to color and do "projects" all the time. She cuts up tons of paper and then glues the bits together and attaches things with stickers and presents me with "coupons" and "tickets" and various kinds of animals and objects. Riley loves to tinker and fix things. Maddie has become a huge fan of taking showers and will linger under the water for twenty minutes or more, just spinning around, drinking from the "rain," and washing her little plastic turtle, known as Baby Glowy. Riley wants to be a recycle bin for Halloween; Maddie wants to be a panda bear. We read books, books and more and more books. Sometimes they prefer to play alone rather than to have me play with them, which is a welcome relief and a slap in the face. Riley informed me yesterday that I do not pick out good clothes for him, and it's true: his outfits are much more creative than mine. Maddie is obsessed with wearing tights. They like soup of all kinds. I fed them broccoli and cheddar quiche + salad one night this weekend for dinner and squash soup, bread, and salad another night to hearty appetites. That felt good.
That's where we are, that's what we do. We had a fire in our fireplace over the weekend, and Riley said, so earnestly and so joyfully, "Oh, Mama, let's read by the fire!" Somehow, that sweet little sentence was so triumphant to me. It made me feel like I was doing something right.
I feel so full, but words fail.
11 October 2008
My "Winning Streak" Continues
Took the work I did last night in to drop off today at 11:00, as had been previously arranged with the coworker I needed to hand off the assignment to. When did he show up? 11:30. Grr.
Got home from that adventure to discover that the fridge had been left open. Not full, wide open, but enough for things in the door and at the front to feel less than perfectly chilled.
Went on Date #1 with Mr. Tango. Wait, no, that's not quite accurate. I tried to go on Date #1 with Mr. Tango. He stood me up. I was stood up! I was five minutes early; I waited outside the café where we'd agreed to meet for coffee until he was fifteen minutes late. Then I went in the café and stood in a long line to get a latte. Then I walked through the café and looked for him. By then, he was 30 minutes late. Stood up! Seriously. For the record, we had exchanged cell phone numbers, so there was no reason for him not to call me if he was simply running late or couldn't make it or what have you. I went home and had a great afternoon painting and goofing off with the kids and the friends who had been watching them while I tried to go on a date. Stood up! So not classy.
Now I have another three (if not more) hours of math proofreading to do. Fabulous. And both Maddie and Riley bit me this evening, plus Riley bit my friends' kid while we were at their house. Maddie and Riley both got immediate time outs and stern talkings-to after using their choppers for evil; hopefully the biting has been nipped in the bud (so to speak, ha!)
On the up side, Mr. Coffee left me a message this morning around 9:45 to let me know he was still not adjusted to the time change and had woken up super-early, wanting to call me, but had waited until a reasonable hour to actually do so. I appreciate the sentiment—he is nothing if not thoughtful—but clearly he has forgotten what it was like to have two year olds! We were up at 6:00. Still, it was nice to hear from him, and he's going to call later tonight after his kids are in bed so that we can catch up and figure out a plan for tomorrow night. Here's hoping that the weekend ends on a good note.
Got home from that adventure to discover that the fridge had been left open. Not full, wide open, but enough for things in the door and at the front to feel less than perfectly chilled.
Went on Date #1 with Mr. Tango. Wait, no, that's not quite accurate. I tried to go on Date #1 with Mr. Tango. He stood me up. I was stood up! I was five minutes early; I waited outside the café where we'd agreed to meet for coffee until he was fifteen minutes late. Then I went in the café and stood in a long line to get a latte. Then I walked through the café and looked for him. By then, he was 30 minutes late. Stood up! Seriously. For the record, we had exchanged cell phone numbers, so there was no reason for him not to call me if he was simply running late or couldn't make it or what have you. I went home and had a great afternoon painting and goofing off with the kids and the friends who had been watching them while I tried to go on a date. Stood up! So not classy.
Now I have another three (if not more) hours of math proofreading to do. Fabulous. And both Maddie and Riley bit me this evening, plus Riley bit my friends' kid while we were at their house. Maddie and Riley both got immediate time outs and stern talkings-to after using their choppers for evil; hopefully the biting has been nipped in the bud (so to speak, ha!)
On the up side, Mr. Coffee left me a message this morning around 9:45 to let me know he was still not adjusted to the time change and had woken up super-early, wanting to call me, but had waited until a reasonable hour to actually do so. I appreciate the sentiment—he is nothing if not thoughtful—but clearly he has forgotten what it was like to have two year olds! We were up at 6:00. Still, it was nice to hear from him, and he's going to call later tonight after his kids are in bed so that we can catch up and figure out a plan for tomorrow night. Here's hoping that the weekend ends on a good note.
08 October 2008
Stress
Work has been stressful.
Some things outside of work have been stressful.
My coping mechanism for the past two nights? Eat a big bowl of homemade apple crisp with vanilla ice cream for dinner. Fruit, dairy, carbs . . . what else does a girl need, really?
25 February 2008
Mostly Status Quo
Not so much to blog about these past few days. My mom is visiting, so I've been focused on that. It's always really motivating to have her visit, and she's such a help to me and the babes. I have actually gotten through a few long-put-off personal projects with her help, and my freezer is filling up with delicious food for the twins and me to eat in the coming weeks. Yay for moms!
I went to a party on Saturday night and left my mom on babysitting duty, which she was happy to cover. Even better, she let me sleep in on Sunday. I stayed in bed until 9:00 a.m. I have not done that since the twins were born almost two years ago. It was heavenly. I was not fully asleep from about 6:45 a.m. on since the twins were up, our place is small, and they are loud, but it was still wonderful to just lounge in bed and doze. Delicious. We kept the "lazy/relaxed" theme all day; no one took a shower and I basically wore my pajamas even though we took a walk to get a coffee and then took the kids to the coop in the afternoon. I was wearing fleece pants and a sweatshirt, so it was OK. I guess.
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On Saturday, we had a surprisingly fun morning at the mall. I had made an appointment for the twins to get their pictures taken since I missed out on that at eighteen months. I tried at eighteen months, but it just didn't work. The photographer was a dud, the kids were cranky, and it was clearly not meant to be. So I waited for my mom to arrive and help me out and off we went.
It could not have gone better. The photographer was excellent and the kids cooperative. Maddie was not feeling great, but she rallied, and Riley was a total ham. I got great individual shots of them, a nice one of them together, and one of the three of us. I even got one of me with Maddie and one of me with Riley, too. After the photo session was done, we did a bit of shopping and found Maddie an adorable outfit for her second birthday (love it when Mom is buying!) and then had some lunch. It was one of those mornings where everything just worked. Now I need to get the photos in frames. I may have a friend scan some of them (naughty me, and I work in publishing, which makes it even worse), and if so, I'll post some of them.
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When my dad was here last week, we went out to a local burger joint for dinner one night. The twins were very concerned that a baby at the next table was going to eat their fries. They spent most of the dinner saying, "Baby no fry. No baby fry." My dad and I were amused by their concern as it was clear to us adults that there was absolutely no danger of the baby touching the fries. So every time one of the twins would say, "Baby no fry," we'd chuckle and reassure them that there was nothing to worry about, the baby was not going to eat their fries.
Both kids have latched on to saying, "Baby no fry!" now and will randomly just blurt it out. Riley likes to shout it at the top of his lungs when he wakes up in the morning (which has been around 5:30 a.m. the past few mornings). I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been singing, "No baby, no fry" to the tune of Bob Marley's "No woman, no cry." How was I supposed to resist?
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One of the long-shelved projects that I've managed to get started on since my mom arrived is the creation of a budget. It was as depressing as I expected, seeing as I had to acknowledge that indeed, the money I have coming in each month is less than my fixed expenses. So I need to make more money and stop eating, putting gas in my car, and going out for coffee. Sigh. I'm not exactly sure what to do about this. Clearly I need to cut back on my monthly Roth contribution as I max it out every year and that just might not happen for the next little while. I'm also considering using some life insurance money to pay off my car and free up that bit of monthly income. It's not like I'm a frivolous spender, so the whole thing is really very disheartening. We're lucky to have some savings and some life insurance money, albeit not much of either anymore.
Then there's the fact that I'm in a bit of a strange financial situation at daycare. Since John and I started the twins at their daycare, we have paid $X/hour based on actual hours the kids are there with an eight-hour-per-day minimum charge. They are there eight hours/day (9-ish to 5-ish) and I continue to write my check accordingly, based on the fee that was set out when the kids started there sixteen months ago.
Well, the daycare has grown a bit since we started, and they now have a website that one of the women who works there was proudly telling me about. I made a mental note to check it out and managed to do so last week. The fees are posted on the site, and it would appear that new clients pay a flat daily or weekly rate for an 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. day rather than paying by the hour.
Here's the clincher: the weekly rate is $70 per kid more than I pay right now. So I'm paying them $140 less per week than I would pay them if I were a new client. Of course, it's their responsibility to tell me if tuition has gone up, and they've never said a word. And the twins are there for eight hour days rather than nine, but so are many of the other kids whose parents pay for nine hours regardless of whether or not the kids are there for the entire nine hours.
Because I am who I am, I feel guilty about knowing that new people pay so much more than me even though I know that I'm not the one who should have to bring this up. It's weighing on me, though. The people who own and work for the daycare have done so many favors for me, and even at the new price, they are still cheaper than basically any other daycare I found when I did my initial research. If I already can barely afford to pay them what I pay them, it's not like I have cheaper options.
Come to think of it, months ago, one of the women at daycare told me she had a personal question for me and then asked how I was doing financially. I'm close to this woman, and I assumed that she was just worried about how I was managing after John's death. I'm sure that's true. But perhaps that's when they raised the rates? Who knows.
What I want to do and what I think I should do is have a candid conversation about the fact that I can't afford to pay more than what I'm paying, I know that what I'm paying is less than what they could be charging, and I just want to clear the air. I'd feel a lot better if that was all on the table. And if I need to start paying more? Well, I'll just have to see how to deal with that.
************************************************
There are, of course, drastic solutions to my financial situation.
I could sell my house (or try) and move back to Oregon or to a smaller, cheaper rental. The twins and I could live in a one-bedroom--they could have the bedroom and I could sleep in the living room, for example. I know we could get a one-bedroom for way less than my mortgage.
I could not work since a big chunk of my income goes to daycare, and if I weren't working I'd get Social Security income in addition to what the kids get. But I don't think the math works out on the money there, either, since I'd have to buy private health insurance and what we'd get from SSI would still not be enough to cover our fixed expenses as they are.
In the end, I'll probably have to ask my parents for money. When will I be a real grown-up?!
19 February 2008
Every week. Every freakin' week!
OK, this kid on Idol, David Archuleta, is too cute for words. I cannot get over it. As a parent, I can only imagine what his parents must be thinking and feeling. If I were his parents, I'd be getting those awful T-shirts made—you know, those ones from the kiosk in the mall—with his face on them, and some caption like "My son is America's next Idol!" I'd wear mine every day. Hell, I'd do that for Maddie and Riley now, based on nothing more than them being able to correctly identify the color yellow about 50% of the time. Having your kid rock the house on Idol? And be so sweet and charming and genuine to boot? Wow. They must all be on cloud nine.
**********************
Work is busy. I like it, and I feel like I'm doing a good job, but it's busy all the time. I had to work yesterday, and others from my department were in on Saturday and Sunday. I am assured that this is not typical, I just happen to have started at a busy time. I hope that's true, because longer hours are not appealing to me. We'll see how the next few weeks go.
**********************
I'm hosting book club tomorrow night. I still have sixty pages to go. What am I doing? Watching American Idol! Heh.
**********************
My dad was here for a long weekend. My mom gets here on Thursday for a long weekend. Then John's family comes for a short weekend. That's a lot of visitors. It's mostly good. I generally have more patience with the twins when I have some help, but I also get even more down on myself when I lose patience with the kids in front of someone. It's so embarrassing to snap when there's someone there to witness it! I know my dad isn't judging me, or my mom for that matter, but it still bothers me. And John's parents? Well, I'm not so sure that they aren't judging me. In theory, their silent judgment doesn't matter to me. I know I'm doing the best I can and that sometimes that's pretty damn good. But it's hard not to take it personally. As usual, I need to think about some Al-Anon principles related to minding my own business and remembering that I can't control other people: I can only control myself.
**********************
I don't get the appeal of dreadlocks. What am I missing? But I do like this Jason Castro kid. I'm starting to feel like some kind of pervy old lady. Sheesh.
**********************
Work is busy. I like it, and I feel like I'm doing a good job, but it's busy all the time. I had to work yesterday, and others from my department were in on Saturday and Sunday. I am assured that this is not typical, I just happen to have started at a busy time. I hope that's true, because longer hours are not appealing to me. We'll see how the next few weeks go.
**********************
I'm hosting book club tomorrow night. I still have sixty pages to go. What am I doing? Watching American Idol! Heh.
**********************
My dad was here for a long weekend. My mom gets here on Thursday for a long weekend. Then John's family comes for a short weekend. That's a lot of visitors. It's mostly good. I generally have more patience with the twins when I have some help, but I also get even more down on myself when I lose patience with the kids in front of someone. It's so embarrassing to snap when there's someone there to witness it! I know my dad isn't judging me, or my mom for that matter, but it still bothers me. And John's parents? Well, I'm not so sure that they aren't judging me. In theory, their silent judgment doesn't matter to me. I know I'm doing the best I can and that sometimes that's pretty damn good. But it's hard not to take it personally. As usual, I need to think about some Al-Anon principles related to minding my own business and remembering that I can't control other people: I can only control myself.
**********************
I don't get the appeal of dreadlocks. What am I missing? But I do like this Jason Castro kid. I'm starting to feel like some kind of pervy old lady. Sheesh.
11 February 2008
Day One
The office door rocks my world.
The pace at this place is noticeably faster than at my old job. It felt invigorating today, but I hope I can keep up.
I forgot to eat lunch. I was too busy making my office feel homey.
The parking lot seems to exist in some kind of alien zone, cut off from communication with the outside world. My car radio gets no reception in the parking lot and the lock/unlock buttons on my keychain don't work.
Two of my coworkers live in the same town as me and gave me tips on the commute.
Even without the tips, the commute was not bad: twenty minutes each way. It was much better than I expected, but I'm not sure it will be that good every day.
I scheduled individual meetings with the people I supervise. I met with three of them today. I found out that one of them lost her husband just over a year ago. Like me, she wears her husband's wedding ring on a chain around her neck. I'm sorry we have this to bond over, but it's nice to have someone who gets in in a way that no one else can.
John died ten months ago today. I miss him so much.
The pace at this place is noticeably faster than at my old job. It felt invigorating today, but I hope I can keep up.
I forgot to eat lunch. I was too busy making my office feel homey.
The parking lot seems to exist in some kind of alien zone, cut off from communication with the outside world. My car radio gets no reception in the parking lot and the lock/unlock buttons on my keychain don't work.
Two of my coworkers live in the same town as me and gave me tips on the commute.
Even without the tips, the commute was not bad: twenty minutes each way. It was much better than I expected, but I'm not sure it will be that good every day.
I scheduled individual meetings with the people I supervise. I met with three of them today. I found out that one of them lost her husband just over a year ago. Like me, she wears her husband's wedding ring on a chain around her neck. I'm sorry we have this to bond over, but it's nice to have someone who gets in in a way that no one else can.
John died ten months ago today. I miss him so much.
07 February 2008
Spent
Today was my last day in the office at my now old job. I'm working from home tomorrow, as I do every Friday, but I think tomorrow will be more about "working" and less about the real thing. In fact, I'm thinking I'll go see Juno.
It was a nice last day. I brought the twins in to make the rounds in the morning, then was treated to a nice, long lunch. I actually had a few things to finish up in the afternoon, plus a desk to pack and goodbyes to say. It didn't feel all that emotional, but it was draining in its own way.
Then I got to daycare to discover the Crabbiest Ri-Man on the Planet. We're still transitioning from two naps to one—we have been for months—and today was a one-napper that was too short. The poor little man cried about. Every. Single. Thing. That happened between pickup and bedtime. It was really exhausting for me—I can only imagine what it was like for him. I held my shit together, but barely, and by the time the kids were in bed, my goose was pretty much cooked.
But I did some filing and bill-paying and eventually I ate my dinner. I made this awesome potato-leek soup last night—so yummy and so easy.
My life, it's so exciting. You must be riveted by this compelling content!
I'll leave you with this: I know I still owe the Internets pictures of the tattoo. I keep having "reasons" not to take and post them. I haven't shaved in weeks. I can't find my camera. I want to take the pictures in daylight to avoid using the flash. Blah blah blah. Here's the real reason: getting the tattoo was an intense emotional experience for me, and I don't feel like I can post pictures without writing about it. But I don't know how to write about it. I have yet to adequately explain it when talking to someone, so I don't know how to describe it in writing. I'll try, I really will, but I'm not sure when I'll be ready.
It was a nice last day. I brought the twins in to make the rounds in the morning, then was treated to a nice, long lunch. I actually had a few things to finish up in the afternoon, plus a desk to pack and goodbyes to say. It didn't feel all that emotional, but it was draining in its own way.
Then I got to daycare to discover the Crabbiest Ri-Man on the Planet. We're still transitioning from two naps to one—we have been for months—and today was a one-napper that was too short. The poor little man cried about. Every. Single. Thing. That happened between pickup and bedtime. It was really exhausting for me—I can only imagine what it was like for him. I held my shit together, but barely, and by the time the kids were in bed, my goose was pretty much cooked.
But I did some filing and bill-paying and eventually I ate my dinner. I made this awesome potato-leek soup last night—so yummy and so easy.
My life, it's so exciting. You must be riveted by this compelling content!
I'll leave you with this: I know I still owe the Internets pictures of the tattoo. I keep having "reasons" not to take and post them. I haven't shaved in weeks. I can't find my camera. I want to take the pictures in daylight to avoid using the flash. Blah blah blah. Here's the real reason: getting the tattoo was an intense emotional experience for me, and I don't feel like I can post pictures without writing about it. But I don't know how to write about it. I have yet to adequately explain it when talking to someone, so I don't know how to describe it in writing. I'll try, I really will, but I'm not sure when I'll be ready.
23 January 2008
Good Enough
I got the job offer.
I'm going to take it.
It was not as good as I had hoped; I'm essentially making the same money and getting the same benefits. I'd really been hoping for more money. I could use more money, but I can get by with what I'm making now.
I had thought that I wouldn't move if the money wasn't there, but I just have a really good feeling about the job and the workplace. They have a great flextime policy, and although I won't be working from home one day a week anymore, as long as I'm getting my job done, my hours are pretty much for me to set. I'll get to learn new skills, and I'll get an office. With a door! That's exciting.
So it's not everything I'd hoped, but it's time to move on. I'm excited. And ready.
I'm going to take it.
It was not as good as I had hoped; I'm essentially making the same money and getting the same benefits. I'd really been hoping for more money. I could use more money, but I can get by with what I'm making now.
I had thought that I wouldn't move if the money wasn't there, but I just have a really good feeling about the job and the workplace. They have a great flextime policy, and although I won't be working from home one day a week anymore, as long as I'm getting my job done, my hours are pretty much for me to set. I'll get to learn new skills, and I'll get an office. With a door! That's exciting.
So it's not everything I'd hoped, but it's time to move on. I'm excited. And ready.
20 December 2007
Wrong?
Today seems to be holiday gifting day at my office, which is fun. I've received a mini Sharpie (in orange! my favorite!), a bottle of wine, and assorted baked goods. MMM. I ate a chocolate-covered graham cracker for breakfast. Awesome. We're having a Yankee Swap and potluck at noon. Who knows what treasure I shall receive?
But is it wrong that as soon as I've read the holiday cards from my coworkers, I immediately chuck them in the recycling? Some people display them in their cubes, I give them a cursory glance and send them to the circular file.
The twins and I brought in a gift basket to daycare today, filled with homemade toffee and a little something for everyone who works there. Maddie played Santa and handed out all the gifts, very cute.
I have a million things to do today, my last day in the office for two weeks. Must dig my motivation out of the deep, deep hole into which it appears to have tumbled.
But is it wrong that as soon as I've read the holiday cards from my coworkers, I immediately chuck them in the recycling? Some people display them in their cubes, I give them a cursory glance and send them to the circular file.
The twins and I brought in a gift basket to daycare today, filled with homemade toffee and a little something for everyone who works there. Maddie played Santa and handed out all the gifts, very cute.
I have a million things to do today, my last day in the office for two weeks. Must dig my motivation out of the deep, deep hole into which it appears to have tumbled.
06 November 2007
Watch Out: I Bite
I'm on our company's holiday party planning committee. I don't mind. It's a fun group of coworkers (despite incident described below), and I like the holiday party. But I could have done without this exchange yesterday:
[blah blah blah restaurant blah games blah blah Yankee swap blah]
J (married mom of three): Will spouses be invited to the party?
R (30s, single, bitter about it): Who cares? I don't have a spouse. I don't even have a boyfriend.
L (20s, single, party girl): I don't either!
R: At least last year I had a boyfriend to bring to the party.
L: I can't remember who I was dating last year . . .
Me (trying to bite tongue, trying, trying, failing): Well, last year, I had a a husband.
SILENCE.
Seriously, they deserved that. I hope they felt BAD.
[blah blah blah restaurant blah games blah blah Yankee swap blah]
J (married mom of three): Will spouses be invited to the party?
R (30s, single, bitter about it): Who cares? I don't have a spouse. I don't even have a boyfriend.
L (20s, single, party girl): I don't either!
R: At least last year I had a boyfriend to bring to the party.
L: I can't remember who I was dating last year . . .
Me (trying to bite tongue, trying, trying, failing): Well, last year, I had a a husband.
SILENCE.
Seriously, they deserved that. I hope they felt BAD.
25 July 2007
You Just Never Know
Thank you all for your great comments on career change and job searches. Lots of good ideas to explore and think about.
Of course, after I was all like, "Oh, yeah, project management sucks," and "I want a complete career change!" what do I do? Go home and apply for a project management job. Heh. It's at a local development house with a good reputation, fifteen minutes away from my house. Yes, it'sin my same industry. But (justify, justify, justify) at least it's an editorial project manager position, which is different from the project management I did before (translation, working for the World's Biggest Prick(tm) ). So, yeah. Who knows if that will lead anywhere, but there you have it. You just never know.
I'm just feeling so at the end of my rope. I'm sick with the kids' cold. The twins are all-out cranky between getting over colds, getting molars (oh, yeah), and going back to daycare this week. I miss John. That should really come first. I miss him for a million reasons, but today I miss him for a supremely practical one. I was feeling tired, sick, and stressed-out as I headed home today. I so wanted to be able to pick the kids and up and then come home to a loving and able-bodied partner who could take over for me and let me rest. Don't get me wrong—I get a ton of help from friends. Tonight happened to be a night that no one was scheduled to come over, though. And a friend over to help is not the same as a spouse.
Work sucks. Being sick—even with a minor cold—sucks. I'm behind at work. I'm behind on stuff around the house. The kids are cranky and I'm losing my patience with them. I changed the words to my usual lullaby tonight:
[regular version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, oh how I love my twin-si-oes.
[new version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, mama is so sorry-o.
(Anyone else out there learn that song at Kindermusik?)
I snapped at the babies at dinner, then I just stopped talking to them because, as the old adage goes, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. We all cried.
Questions for you parents out there:
1. I'm starting to let them play around with self-feeding with a spoon. It is clear to me that I must get some bowls that suction onto their high-chair trays, and I must get them stat. Can anyone recommend a brand?
2. How long does this incredibly annoying "throw things on the floor" phase last? I have a feeling the answer is "a really fucking long time," but maybe not? Please? No matter how long it lasts, what can I do about it other than be Zen? Some days, when small people are cranky and I've had a long day at work, it's very hard to be Zen. Are the kids too young for "Hey, you threw your spoon/water cup/bowl on the floor, too bad for you, you don't get it back tonight," or is that kind of cause/effect lost on them? Is it just toddlers exploring their world and I need to be patient about it? I'm hoping to get around some of this by getting the suction bowls, but unless I can tether the spoon and cup, I've still got some throwables to deal with. (Oddly, food throwing doesn't bother me so much and I don't care how much food they get on themselves when they try to eat with a spoon.)
3. I think they are on to my "feed them their least favorite thing first" scheme. For the past week or so, they eat virtually nothing until I offer them Trader Joe's Unburied Treasure (Pirate's Booty knock-off), then they eat like little piglets. Do I stop offering the Unburied Treasure? I've tried offering it first, but the end result is the same: they eat a ton of that and virtually nothing else.
Argh, kid eating habit are boring! Anyone still reading? Help . . .
Of course, after I was all like, "Oh, yeah, project management sucks," and "I want a complete career change!" what do I do? Go home and apply for a project management job. Heh. It's at a local development house with a good reputation, fifteen minutes away from my house. Yes, it'sin my same industry. But (justify, justify, justify) at least it's an editorial project manager position, which is different from the project management I did before (translation, working for the World's Biggest Prick(tm) ). So, yeah. Who knows if that will lead anywhere, but there you have it. You just never know.
I'm just feeling so at the end of my rope. I'm sick with the kids' cold. The twins are all-out cranky between getting over colds, getting molars (oh, yeah), and going back to daycare this week. I miss John. That should really come first. I miss him for a million reasons, but today I miss him for a supremely practical one. I was feeling tired, sick, and stressed-out as I headed home today. I so wanted to be able to pick the kids and up and then come home to a loving and able-bodied partner who could take over for me and let me rest. Don't get me wrong—I get a ton of help from friends. Tonight happened to be a night that no one was scheduled to come over, though. And a friend over to help is not the same as a spouse.
Work sucks. Being sick—even with a minor cold—sucks. I'm behind at work. I'm behind on stuff around the house. The kids are cranky and I'm losing my patience with them. I changed the words to my usual lullaby tonight:
[regular version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, oh how I love my twin-si-oes.
[new version]
Rocking, rocking to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.
Rocking, rocking to and fro, mama is so sorry-o.
(Anyone else out there learn that song at Kindermusik?)
I snapped at the babies at dinner, then I just stopped talking to them because, as the old adage goes, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. We all cried.
Questions for you parents out there:
1. I'm starting to let them play around with self-feeding with a spoon. It is clear to me that I must get some bowls that suction onto their high-chair trays, and I must get them stat. Can anyone recommend a brand?
2. How long does this incredibly annoying "throw things on the floor" phase last? I have a feeling the answer is "a really fucking long time," but maybe not? Please? No matter how long it lasts, what can I do about it other than be Zen? Some days, when small people are cranky and I've had a long day at work, it's very hard to be Zen. Are the kids too young for "Hey, you threw your spoon/water cup/bowl on the floor, too bad for you, you don't get it back tonight," or is that kind of cause/effect lost on them? Is it just toddlers exploring their world and I need to be patient about it? I'm hoping to get around some of this by getting the suction bowls, but unless I can tether the spoon and cup, I've still got some throwables to deal with. (Oddly, food throwing doesn't bother me so much and I don't care how much food they get on themselves when they try to eat with a spoon.)
3. I think they are on to my "feed them their least favorite thing first" scheme. For the past week or so, they eat virtually nothing until I offer them Trader Joe's Unburied Treasure (Pirate's Booty knock-off), then they eat like little piglets. Do I stop offering the Unburied Treasure? I've tried offering it first, but the end result is the same: they eat a ton of that and virtually nothing else.
Argh, kid eating habit are boring! Anyone still reading? Help . . .
10 July 2007
I need a professional plan.
First off: Yes, my running motivational post did work. I got out there, it felt good, that's going great. I'm on personal fire, eating better, working out more, reading more, taking care of personal projects, feeling centered.
All while my job goes to shit.
Yes, my projects are getting more interesting. For that, I am grateful.
But I am the conduit between two people who want very different things from and for the project I work on. They don't know how to talk to each other, so I have to be their interface. One of them is scatterbrained, domineering, and condescending. Let's call her EE. EE holds a position of extreme power within the company. When I can avoid her, I enjoy my job. She butts heads with my other colleague on my main project, who is organized, driven, and enthusiastic. Let's call her MM. MM is less experienced than EE. MM and I work well together, but we get stonewalled by EE, who opposes anything we do on principle and likes to talk down to us about why our ideas are bad. I get shut out by EE because I tend to agree with MM.
It's so awful, so unprofessional, and so high school. I hate it.
I'll go weeks without having to talk to EE, and I'll think, "Hey, this job is not so bad!" Then all of a sudden I have a run-in with her and it's back to my desk, job searching in my cube, not caring if anyone finds me.
I'd quit, but I feel trapped. I'm unhappy, but I'm well paid, I have health insurance, and I have flex time. I have two kids. I can't just walk off the job with no plan.
There's nothing interesting in my field right now that I can find to apply for. I found something that sounded great . . . 1.5 hours away.
I just don't know how long I can do this. I need to find a way out. Part of me doesn't want to give EE the satisfaction of leaving; I think she'll feel like she won some kind of battle of wills if I go. But I can't make myself miserable on principle. I just want to work with nice people. And get paid well enough to make ends meet. If I like the work, it's a bonus, but I can be OK with being bored among nice folk. That's basically what I do now, with the large exception of EE.
I'd love to be independently wealthy with fabulous health care. If anyone has a line on that gig, let me know.
/end rant/
All while my job goes to shit.
Yes, my projects are getting more interesting. For that, I am grateful.
But I am the conduit between two people who want very different things from and for the project I work on. They don't know how to talk to each other, so I have to be their interface. One of them is scatterbrained, domineering, and condescending. Let's call her EE. EE holds a position of extreme power within the company. When I can avoid her, I enjoy my job. She butts heads with my other colleague on my main project, who is organized, driven, and enthusiastic. Let's call her MM. MM is less experienced than EE. MM and I work well together, but we get stonewalled by EE, who opposes anything we do on principle and likes to talk down to us about why our ideas are bad. I get shut out by EE because I tend to agree with MM.
It's so awful, so unprofessional, and so high school. I hate it.
I'll go weeks without having to talk to EE, and I'll think, "Hey, this job is not so bad!" Then all of a sudden I have a run-in with her and it's back to my desk, job searching in my cube, not caring if anyone finds me.
I'd quit, but I feel trapped. I'm unhappy, but I'm well paid, I have health insurance, and I have flex time. I have two kids. I can't just walk off the job with no plan.
There's nothing interesting in my field right now that I can find to apply for. I found something that sounded great . . . 1.5 hours away.
I just don't know how long I can do this. I need to find a way out. Part of me doesn't want to give EE the satisfaction of leaving; I think she'll feel like she won some kind of battle of wills if I go. But I can't make myself miserable on principle. I just want to work with nice people. And get paid well enough to make ends meet. If I like the work, it's a bonus, but I can be OK with being bored among nice folk. That's basically what I do now, with the large exception of EE.
I'd love to be independently wealthy with fabulous health care. If anyone has a line on that gig, let me know.
/end rant/
05 July 2007
Taking Control
I have been rather low lately. Not without reason, I don't think, but I'm getting to that point where I'm tired of feeling that way, tired of medicating with food, not exercising, not taking care of myself. Tertia's list was a real inspiration to me; I could relate to so many of her goals and her final one really hit home for me: I want to start liking myself again. Deep down, I never stopped, but I have let some things go and I want to start getting back on top of my game.
I've been mulling over how to make the changes I want to make, and my plan is starting to fall into place. Here's my Tertia-style list of things I'd like to do for myself:
1. Start exercising again. I feel so soft and flabby.
2. Lose a little weight. I hate that my favorite clothes feel tight and that I choose my outfit for the day based on what I have that is both clean and stretchy.
3a. Start eating better. My kids eat great: tons of fresh fruit and veggies, very balanced meals. Me? I get what's leftover and what I have the energy to prepare once the kids are in bed. I'm low on veggies and high on Oreoes.
3b. Keep working on my list of things that both the kids and I like to eat so that I'm not cooking a meal for them and a meal for me. Variety is less important than simplicity.
4. Finish the kids' b-day thank-you notes.
5. Finish my sympathy thank-you notes.
6. Start simple savings accounts for the kids. Local bank? (convenient, but not interest-bearing) ING Direct? (unclear how this would work for babies since needs to be linked to checking account)
7. Complete paperwork related to two of John's retirement accounts to which I still don't have access.
8. Consolidate various life insurance and retirement accounts into a rainy day fund and a longer-term investment account.
9. Catch up on baby photos/books (with Mom's help).
10. Make appointment with new PCP.
11. Make appointment with eye doctor.
12. Complete planning for John's August memorial.
Whew. It's a lot. The first three are more lifestyle changes than "to-do" items, and those are the ones that are more important to me. I've got a plan in place for all three of them, though.
EXERCISE
DoctorMama is my guru. I am a maggot. If the good Doc can start running in the morning, I can start running after work. I packed my running clothes today, and I'm going to change before I go get the kids. I often take a stroll with the twins after work, but today it's a jog. Since I've set aside the time in my schedule already, it's just a matter of bringing my clothes to work and kicking myself in the arse. We'll see how it goes.
I also might start doing T-Tapp a few mornings a week before the twins get up. There is a 15-minute T-Tapp workout that can't hurt; I might try to do that on days I don't run. I'm going to give myself a week or two to see how the running goes, then try implementing the T-Tapp.
LOSING WEIGHT/EATING
The weight loss thing is, of course, tied to the eating thing. It's also tied to the exercise thing. I've never owned a scale and don't plan to buy one; I don't actually care what my weight is, but I do care about how my clothes fit and how jiggly my arms, thighs, and belly have become. I actually don't think that my weight is much, if any, higher than it was before I got pregnant, but between having borne twins and not exercising, I'm shaped somewhat differently.
So, exercise will help me get my shape back under control, and eating better will help me have the energy to exercise more and will help me lose weight if there is some to lose. I know my body well enough to know that if I'm eating right and exercising regularly, I settle in at a weight that I feel comfortable with, although I couldn't tell you what that weight is.
Summer is a good time to resolve to eat better what with lots of fruit and veggies out there. I just need to eat them. As stated in my list, my kids eat great. I just need to make enough for me, not just for them because when I get right down to it, when I say "eat better," what I mean is that I need to eat more fruit and veggies and fewer bowls of ice cream.
Part of my eating better involves a decision I've been kicking around for quite a while, and even have an unfinished post on. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegetarian, and raise my kids the same way. I like meat—don't get me wrong—but I don't like it enough to cook it at home. Plus I have some issues with the meat industry. Someday maybe I'll get my post on this finished. In any case, I've almost never cooked beef at home, chicken bores me most of the time, and pork is fine, but it's not like I'd miss it. So I'm going to be what I'm calling an Opportunistic Carnivore. I hate to be that pain in everyone's ass when invited over to eat, and I don't want people having to deal with my dietary issues when out or at someone's house. So if served meat, I will eat it. At home, no. Same for the twins. My pediatrician has raised her kids this way, and it seems sensible to me. I find that I will eat more veggies if I need to incorporate them into my main course, so for me, I think going veggie most of the time will help me eat the way I want to eat.
I've got a fairly decent, if not expansive, repertoire of things that the kids and I will all eat:
quesadillas
enchiladas
mac'n'cheese w/veggies
tortellini/ravioli
spinach pie
quiche, with or without crust
lentil casserole
veggie burgers
hummus (kids are lukewarm, but have only had it once)
I'm always looking to add to my list. Any ideas? I'll do more soups in winter, but summer is not the best soup time. Although I just remembered a really good cold pea soup recipe that I have . . .
OK, I need to get on with my day. One final note: work continues to look up. My job description has been revised so that I now directly supervise someone in my department, giving me some management experience that I've been wanting for a while. I'm also doing some writing, which I enjoy.
And! I finished Tsotsi last night. Loved it. The ending was perfect. Loved it, loved it. I cried and cried, but it was so very good. More movies for me in the future. I'm also going to borrow the complete Arrested Development from a friend so that I can balance movies with some TV entertainment.
I feel good today, more centered than I have for a while, even while being aware of and honoring the constant sadness I carry from John's absence. I feel like moving ahead.
I've been mulling over how to make the changes I want to make, and my plan is starting to fall into place. Here's my Tertia-style list of things I'd like to do for myself:
1. Start exercising again. I feel so soft and flabby.
2. Lose a little weight. I hate that my favorite clothes feel tight and that I choose my outfit for the day based on what I have that is both clean and stretchy.
3a. Start eating better. My kids eat great: tons of fresh fruit and veggies, very balanced meals. Me? I get what's leftover and what I have the energy to prepare once the kids are in bed. I'm low on veggies and high on Oreoes.
3b. Keep working on my list of things that both the kids and I like to eat so that I'm not cooking a meal for them and a meal for me. Variety is less important than simplicity.
4. Finish the kids' b-day thank-you notes.
5. Finish my sympathy thank-you notes.
6. Start simple savings accounts for the kids. Local bank? (convenient, but not interest-bearing) ING Direct? (unclear how this would work for babies since needs to be linked to checking account)
7. Complete paperwork related to two of John's retirement accounts to which I still don't have access.
8. Consolidate various life insurance and retirement accounts into a rainy day fund and a longer-term investment account.
9. Catch up on baby photos/books (with Mom's help).
10. Make appointment with new PCP.
11. Make appointment with eye doctor.
12. Complete planning for John's August memorial.
Whew. It's a lot. The first three are more lifestyle changes than "to-do" items, and those are the ones that are more important to me. I've got a plan in place for all three of them, though.
EXERCISE
DoctorMama is my guru. I am a maggot. If the good Doc can start running in the morning, I can start running after work. I packed my running clothes today, and I'm going to change before I go get the kids. I often take a stroll with the twins after work, but today it's a jog. Since I've set aside the time in my schedule already, it's just a matter of bringing my clothes to work and kicking myself in the arse. We'll see how it goes.
I also might start doing T-Tapp a few mornings a week before the twins get up. There is a 15-minute T-Tapp workout that can't hurt; I might try to do that on days I don't run. I'm going to give myself a week or two to see how the running goes, then try implementing the T-Tapp.
LOSING WEIGHT/EATING
The weight loss thing is, of course, tied to the eating thing. It's also tied to the exercise thing. I've never owned a scale and don't plan to buy one; I don't actually care what my weight is, but I do care about how my clothes fit and how jiggly my arms, thighs, and belly have become. I actually don't think that my weight is much, if any, higher than it was before I got pregnant, but between having borne twins and not exercising, I'm shaped somewhat differently.
So, exercise will help me get my shape back under control, and eating better will help me have the energy to exercise more and will help me lose weight if there is some to lose. I know my body well enough to know that if I'm eating right and exercising regularly, I settle in at a weight that I feel comfortable with, although I couldn't tell you what that weight is.
Summer is a good time to resolve to eat better what with lots of fruit and veggies out there. I just need to eat them. As stated in my list, my kids eat great. I just need to make enough for me, not just for them because when I get right down to it, when I say "eat better," what I mean is that I need to eat more fruit and veggies and fewer bowls of ice cream.
Part of my eating better involves a decision I've been kicking around for quite a while, and even have an unfinished post on. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegetarian, and raise my kids the same way. I like meat—don't get me wrong—but I don't like it enough to cook it at home. Plus I have some issues with the meat industry. Someday maybe I'll get my post on this finished. In any case, I've almost never cooked beef at home, chicken bores me most of the time, and pork is fine, but it's not like I'd miss it. So I'm going to be what I'm calling an Opportunistic Carnivore. I hate to be that pain in everyone's ass when invited over to eat, and I don't want people having to deal with my dietary issues when out or at someone's house. So if served meat, I will eat it. At home, no. Same for the twins. My pediatrician has raised her kids this way, and it seems sensible to me. I find that I will eat more veggies if I need to incorporate them into my main course, so for me, I think going veggie most of the time will help me eat the way I want to eat.
I've got a fairly decent, if not expansive, repertoire of things that the kids and I will all eat:
quesadillas
enchiladas
mac'n'cheese w/veggies
tortellini/ravioli
spinach pie
quiche, with or without crust
lentil casserole
veggie burgers
hummus (kids are lukewarm, but have only had it once)
I'm always looking to add to my list. Any ideas? I'll do more soups in winter, but summer is not the best soup time. Although I just remembered a really good cold pea soup recipe that I have . . .
OK, I need to get on with my day. One final note: work continues to look up. My job description has been revised so that I now directly supervise someone in my department, giving me some management experience that I've been wanting for a while. I'm also doing some writing, which I enjoy.
And! I finished Tsotsi last night. Loved it. The ending was perfect. Loved it, loved it. I cried and cried, but it was so very good. More movies for me in the future. I'm also going to borrow the complete Arrested Development from a friend so that I can balance movies with some TV entertainment.
I feel good today, more centered than I have for a while, even while being aware of and honoring the constant sadness I carry from John's absence. I feel like moving ahead.
28 June 2007
Well I Never
1.
I had heard of Raffi before I had kids, although I had never heard his music. I don't know if he wasn't popular when I was growing up or if I somehow missed the Raffi boat, but I had never even heard of him until my friends started having kids. At that point, I assumed he was some overly commercialized kiddie star, and would always roll my eyes when anyone would say, "Oh, now that we have kids, all we ever listen to in the car is Raffi." Oh, the horror!
One of the twins' first gifts was a board book of Raffi's song "Baby Beluga." It kind of drove me nuts to read the lyrics as a story without knowing the tune. The verse does not exactly flow off the tongue—at least not off mine—without a tune. But I wasn't going to buy a Raffi CD. No way! No how!
Then someone gave the twins one for their first birthday, the very CD I needed: Baby Beluga. I popped it in to give it a listen. Here's the shocker: I love Raffi! (Bet you didn't see that one coming.) He's all about love and family and peace. OK, I have no earthly idea what's up with that crazy song/story/tone poem "Joshua Giraffe," but the rest of the CD is great. I need to get more Raffi!
Crazy.
What other kids' music should I check out?
******************************
2.
For most of this week, I have been at a training for work, stuck in a hotel conference room all day, away from my computer. I had been dreading the training, figuring it would be a waste of my time. Much to my great surprise, I've gotten a lot out of it. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and I'm terribly behind on blogging and reading/commenting, but it's given me small hope that my work could soon be interesting again. Let's hope.
******************************
3.
This doesn't really fit under the heading of "Well I Never," but I want to get it out there. I really appreciate everyone's comments about my in-laws. The suggestions about having them get my neighbor a gift certificate to a local nursery or getting him a plant are great . . . except that there's more to the problem.
I didn't want to get into it in the original post because I was too tired and frustrated, but here's the missing piece of the puzzle: all the plants that were torn up had sentimental value. They came from either my neighbor's mother's garden or from his (now ex-)partner's. He can get cuttings to replace them, but still. He would have been upset if these had been plants that he'd purchased and planted, but that they came from family and friends made it much worse, and make an offering of a nursery gift certificate or plant seem a bit hollow.
I've been thinking that I'd leave him a bottle of wine, but other ideas are welcome.
As for getting my in-laws to make amends, I have to confess that I don't think I have the energy. They aren't going to change. If I thought they'd change, I'd consider it, but plenty of experience shows that they won't. I've already lost a lot of valuable emotional energy making my own peace with my neighbor and my (perhaps misplaced but still present) guilt about the whole situation. I don't need a stressful conversation with my in-laws on top of it all. Of course I will tell the in-laws that they are no longer allowed to do yardwork unless under direct supervision, and I'll tell them that they pulled up some of my neighbor's plants and that he was upset. But I'm going to leave it at that. If they don't think to apologize on their own, I'm not going to push it. I need to let this go and spend my mental energy on something else. I'm sorry to say that the in-laws will likely do something else that tests my emotional reserves sooner rather than later. I need to start banking some reserves for that.
I had heard of Raffi before I had kids, although I had never heard his music. I don't know if he wasn't popular when I was growing up or if I somehow missed the Raffi boat, but I had never even heard of him until my friends started having kids. At that point, I assumed he was some overly commercialized kiddie star, and would always roll my eyes when anyone would say, "Oh, now that we have kids, all we ever listen to in the car is Raffi." Oh, the horror!
One of the twins' first gifts was a board book of Raffi's song "Baby Beluga." It kind of drove me nuts to read the lyrics as a story without knowing the tune. The verse does not exactly flow off the tongue—at least not off mine—without a tune. But I wasn't going to buy a Raffi CD. No way! No how!
Then someone gave the twins one for their first birthday, the very CD I needed: Baby Beluga. I popped it in to give it a listen. Here's the shocker: I love Raffi! (Bet you didn't see that one coming.) He's all about love and family and peace. OK, I have no earthly idea what's up with that crazy song/story/tone poem "Joshua Giraffe," but the rest of the CD is great. I need to get more Raffi!
Crazy.
What other kids' music should I check out?
******************************
2.
For most of this week, I have been at a training for work, stuck in a hotel conference room all day, away from my computer. I had been dreading the training, figuring it would be a waste of my time. Much to my great surprise, I've gotten a lot out of it. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and I'm terribly behind on blogging and reading/commenting, but it's given me small hope that my work could soon be interesting again. Let's hope.
******************************
3.
This doesn't really fit under the heading of "Well I Never," but I want to get it out there. I really appreciate everyone's comments about my in-laws. The suggestions about having them get my neighbor a gift certificate to a local nursery or getting him a plant are great . . . except that there's more to the problem.
I didn't want to get into it in the original post because I was too tired and frustrated, but here's the missing piece of the puzzle: all the plants that were torn up had sentimental value. They came from either my neighbor's mother's garden or from his (now ex-)partner's. He can get cuttings to replace them, but still. He would have been upset if these had been plants that he'd purchased and planted, but that they came from family and friends made it much worse, and make an offering of a nursery gift certificate or plant seem a bit hollow.
I've been thinking that I'd leave him a bottle of wine, but other ideas are welcome.
As for getting my in-laws to make amends, I have to confess that I don't think I have the energy. They aren't going to change. If I thought they'd change, I'd consider it, but plenty of experience shows that they won't. I've already lost a lot of valuable emotional energy making my own peace with my neighbor and my (perhaps misplaced but still present) guilt about the whole situation. I don't need a stressful conversation with my in-laws on top of it all. Of course I will tell the in-laws that they are no longer allowed to do yardwork unless under direct supervision, and I'll tell them that they pulled up some of my neighbor's plants and that he was upset. But I'm going to leave it at that. If they don't think to apologize on their own, I'm not going to push it. I need to let this go and spend my mental energy on something else. I'm sorry to say that the in-laws will likely do something else that tests my emotional reserves sooner rather than later. I need to start banking some reserves for that.
20 March 2007
And Now Even Work Is Lame!
While I was on maternity leave, I got passed over for a promotion. Fine. I actually quite like the New Person they hired instead of me, although it's taken me a long time to admit that. I'm not convinced that she is more qualified than me, but she is competent and fair and she does a good job working with some difficult people and advocating for her staff. Fine.
I have two job titles. My main job title is Assistant Managing Editor. (Hence why I applied to be the Managing Editor. My job was created as a training ground to be the Managing Editor, which is why it was such a slap in the face not to get the job.) I'm also a Senior Editor. Most of the work I do is more Senior Editor-ish, due to the way the company is structured and such, which is fine, although I've wanted to get more management training. I have not aggressively pursued this goal due to, oh, a few other things going on in my life. When I have tried to pursue this, I've been rebuffed.
I was told yesterday by the New Person that job descriptions are being revised (by her and her two management colleagues) and that The Assistant Managing Editor part of my title is being dropped. "That's not the work you're doing," I was told. While I recognize that this is true to a certain extent, I feel like I was given a job and what I'm doing matches that job description. Not my fault that a better job description wasn't written. Not my fault that they have not given me additional responsibility when I have asked. When I asked about taking on more management duties at my last review, my boss told me that she "doesn't need any help with her job." OK, fine. And, frankly, that title is important to me. It's very helpful to have that title as I look for Managing Editor positions elsewhere. It looks like a freakin' demotion to have the MAIN PART OF MY JOB TITLE just taken away, whoosh!
This morning I brought a copy of my job description in for my boss to look at. No one here in the office had a copy. Huh? How's that? I was told that the company has changed, that it's not the duty of the company to create a job to match what I want, and that job titles come and job titles go. I don't really know how to answer that, except that I'm looking around, so if you want to keep me, you'd better work on making my job a little more interesting. Which is basically what I said. Argh.
This is all yet another sign that I need to move on from this job. I know I'm stagnating here. The timing in my personal life is just so piss poor for making a change. After this past weekend, dealing with something like this just makes me want to crawl into a cave and sleep for a while.
I know posting about work stuff is dangerous. Don't want to get dooced and all. Not sure how long this post will stay up, but I had to vent.
I have two job titles. My main job title is Assistant Managing Editor. (Hence why I applied to be the Managing Editor. My job was created as a training ground to be the Managing Editor, which is why it was such a slap in the face not to get the job.) I'm also a Senior Editor. Most of the work I do is more Senior Editor-ish, due to the way the company is structured and such, which is fine, although I've wanted to get more management training. I have not aggressively pursued this goal due to, oh, a few other things going on in my life. When I have tried to pursue this, I've been rebuffed.
I was told yesterday by the New Person that job descriptions are being revised (by her and her two management colleagues) and that The Assistant Managing Editor part of my title is being dropped. "That's not the work you're doing," I was told. While I recognize that this is true to a certain extent, I feel like I was given a job and what I'm doing matches that job description. Not my fault that a better job description wasn't written. Not my fault that they have not given me additional responsibility when I have asked. When I asked about taking on more management duties at my last review, my boss told me that she "doesn't need any help with her job." OK, fine. And, frankly, that title is important to me. It's very helpful to have that title as I look for Managing Editor positions elsewhere. It looks like a freakin' demotion to have the MAIN PART OF MY JOB TITLE just taken away, whoosh!
This morning I brought a copy of my job description in for my boss to look at. No one here in the office had a copy. Huh? How's that? I was told that the company has changed, that it's not the duty of the company to create a job to match what I want, and that job titles come and job titles go. I don't really know how to answer that, except that I'm looking around, so if you want to keep me, you'd better work on making my job a little more interesting. Which is basically what I said. Argh.
This is all yet another sign that I need to move on from this job. I know I'm stagnating here. The timing in my personal life is just so piss poor for making a change. After this past weekend, dealing with something like this just makes me want to crawl into a cave and sleep for a while.
I know posting about work stuff is dangerous. Don't want to get dooced and all. Not sure how long this post will stay up, but I had to vent.
06 February 2007
Overload!
Work! It is crashing in around me! I have meeting after meeting, homework for my online class, expense reports to submit, journals to read, surveys to write, materials to review, quarterly goals to b.s. my way through.
Good news: I've been on-task at work, a rarity of late.
Bad news: Even on-task, I'm seriously overwhelmed!
More bad news: No time to blog!
I hope to resurface soon. I have things to say, for crying out loud.
Oh, on the subject of jobs, still no call back from the place I interviewed.
On the subject of how wonderful, amazing, and cute my children are: Riley got his second tooth! As my best friend's mom would say, it doesn't make him smart. But I'm still proud.
Good news: I've been on-task at work, a rarity of late.
Bad news: Even on-task, I'm seriously overwhelmed!
More bad news: No time to blog!
I hope to resurface soon. I have things to say, for crying out loud.
Oh, on the subject of jobs, still no call back from the place I interviewed.
On the subject of how wonderful, amazing, and cute my children are: Riley got his second tooth! As my best friend's mom would say, it doesn't make him smart. But I'm still proud.
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