It used to be that I never listened to music when I ran. Then I started listening to NPR. Then music. Then nothing again. Lately, I usually have my iPod with me and I've set up a few playlists for when I head out for a run.
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I run. The two main reasons are that it's the most efficient form of exercise I know and that I feel both mentally and physically more sound when I run regularly. In the past, I've focused more on the efficiency of running and the resulting physical benefits. I constantly strive to go faster and longer, figuring that the harder I work physically, the greater the associated mental health gains will be.
I'm starting to realize that this is not necessarily true. It occurred to me the other day that in general in my life, I'm all too good at taking the hard road. The easy road does not come, well, easy to me. By nature, I choose the path of most resistance rather than the path of least. And so with running, I've come to believe that if I enjoy the run, I must not have been going fast enough. Or that I should have run an additional mile. Enjoy exercise? That's not allowed!
Over the past few weeks, I've worked on adjusting this attitude. I've stopped timing my runs. I still measure my distance; I'm planning to run a half marathon in the fall, and I need to be sure that I log the miles in order to do that race without injuring myself. But the time it takes me to do the runs? I'm trying not to care, because if I don't time myself, I can't use the results to beat myself up or gloat about a new personal best.
I've also stopped bringing my iPod with me. Sometimes. Running is some of the only time I get truly to myself, and I've tried to focus on letting my thoughts be where they need and want to be, on enjoying my surroundings. This has met with varying degrees of success. Often, I end up thinking about how I just want to be done with the running already. In those moments, I try to slow down a little, or speed up, or notice something scenic. I try to be in the moment, as corny as it sounds.
Yesterday, I ended up reading an article in a running magazine about meditating while running. Coincidentally, a friend posted something on Facebook about praying while running. Inspired, today I combined the two. I did a three-mile run, untimed, no iPod, and the whole time I recited the serenity prayer to the rhythm of my footfalls. It took me a while to find a natural way to fit the words to the beat of my feet on the pavement, but it came together. For the last mile, I slowed it down to half time, although for the final push at the end, I took it back to my original pace. Sometimes, I was completely lost in the rhythm and the words. Other times, my mind wandered, and I'd lose my place. At one point, I completely forgot the first line of the prayer.
I can't say that this was an aha! moment for me, but it was . . . something. A good practice? I think so. The mental discipline of focusing on just those words, just that rhythm, was as challenging if not more so than the running itself. I think I'll do it again, not every time I run, but sometimes. Anything that can help me be more gentle with myself is a worthwhile practice. Anything is worth doing if it can help me accept that easy and bad are not synonyms, nor are difficult and better. Martyrdom is not attractive, and it doesn't make me happy. It's nice to start letting it go.
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
01 July 2010
15 June 2010
Cross Training
We've ridden our bike every day since we got it. Sometimes more than once. We have ridden for fun and for utility.
I'm not kidding when I say that having this bike has changed our lives, or at least my life, and I don't think this is merely an obsession with The New. A bunch of things that used to feel like chores now feel like pure joy. I had no idea how annoying I found driving short (to medium, to eventually long-ish) distances in the car until I didn't have to do it. Now? I fabricate reasons to take a quick jaunt to the store for groceries instead of being pissy about having to go out again.
I sound crazy, I know. I mean, how great could it be? Damn fucking awesome, actually. And there's more to it all, I just haven't figured it all out yet.
Coincidentally, although I've been biking a lot this past week, I have barely been running at all. My only real opportunity to run is during my lunch break at work since I can't well leave the kids alone in the house after they go to bed and they are too big for a jog stroller, plus we don't have one anyway. So if I have lunch meetings or if I have to come in late or leave early for some reason and thus skip taking a break at lunch, there goes my workout. I found the lack of running both distressing and not; the weather here—save for a glorious weekend reprieve—has been the usual Oregon gray, chilly June on steroids, and while I normally don't find chilly temps and drizzle daunting (and none of that deterred me from biking), I wasn't all that keen to get out and log some miles. In fact, when I was finally going to head out for real yesterday, I took an easy out and joined a coworker for a lunchtime pedicure instead. You must all be blown away by my dedication to my workout program. By the same token, I have felt the effects of a lack of structured exercise on my sanity.
I don't say all this to beat myself up or to absolve some guilt I feel about not working out. I say it because the lack of running combined with the introduction of biking has made for an interesting contrast for me. I do enjoy running, and it is an excellent stress reliever for me. But it also brings out a lot of negative personality traits that I have: competitiveness, inflexibility, propensity for self-flagellation, a need to constantly get better, go faster, train harder, be the best. I feel a constant level of low-grade annoyance that I'm not running at my pre-twin pace even though I think my overall endurance level is actually higher now than it was back then. And even if it weren't, why exactly do I care? Because I always expect more from myself. It's never enough. And hence the danger with running: you could always, always, always go faster or longer or both.
I've tried to combat this by leaving the stopwatch at home and just running. I like to log distance since I'm gearing up to train for a half-marathon and I will need to be mindful of being prepared for that race so as not to injure myself. But I've tried to worry less about the time and focus more on just getting out there and running at a speed that seems comfortable. But try as I might, I can't let go of always wondering how fast I've gone, if I've improved on my pace, if I could have pushed myself more on the final stretch.
Contrast this with biking. Our bike is huge and heavy. It has eight gears. It is not designed for speed or for exercise. It is designed for comfort and utility. I hence do not care at all, not one little bit, how long it takes us to get where we're going, how many people pass us between points A and B, or how high my heart rate gets during the trip. I chat with Maddie and Riley. I look around at the scenery (when I'm not navigating traffic). I enjoy the sun, or endure the rain. I feel ever-so-slightly superior to all the cars driving by. I wear regular clothes, sometimes a dress, often clogs. Incidentally, I'm getting a workout, I guess.
And therein, I suppose, lies the difference. Running is exercise that happens to have some mental health benefits. Biking is a lifestyle and leisure choice that happens to be good for my health. I want to find a way to pull some of the relaxed-attitude Zen I have about biking into my running workouts, not to mention other aspects of my life, actually. Perhaps this is exactly what seems like such a fundamental shift to me. Somehow, this bike has brought me the ability to check my need for perfection at the door. I guess the message is pretty simple: bike more. Fret less. Why does it always sound so easy?
I'm not kidding when I say that having this bike has changed our lives, or at least my life, and I don't think this is merely an obsession with The New. A bunch of things that used to feel like chores now feel like pure joy. I had no idea how annoying I found driving short (to medium, to eventually long-ish) distances in the car until I didn't have to do it. Now? I fabricate reasons to take a quick jaunt to the store for groceries instead of being pissy about having to go out again.
I sound crazy, I know. I mean, how great could it be? Damn fucking awesome, actually. And there's more to it all, I just haven't figured it all out yet.
Coincidentally, although I've been biking a lot this past week, I have barely been running at all. My only real opportunity to run is during my lunch break at work since I can't well leave the kids alone in the house after they go to bed and they are too big for a jog stroller, plus we don't have one anyway. So if I have lunch meetings or if I have to come in late or leave early for some reason and thus skip taking a break at lunch, there goes my workout. I found the lack of running both distressing and not; the weather here—save for a glorious weekend reprieve—has been the usual Oregon gray, chilly June on steroids, and while I normally don't find chilly temps and drizzle daunting (and none of that deterred me from biking), I wasn't all that keen to get out and log some miles. In fact, when I was finally going to head out for real yesterday, I took an easy out and joined a coworker for a lunchtime pedicure instead. You must all be blown away by my dedication to my workout program. By the same token, I have felt the effects of a lack of structured exercise on my sanity.
I don't say all this to beat myself up or to absolve some guilt I feel about not working out. I say it because the lack of running combined with the introduction of biking has made for an interesting contrast for me. I do enjoy running, and it is an excellent stress reliever for me. But it also brings out a lot of negative personality traits that I have: competitiveness, inflexibility, propensity for self-flagellation, a need to constantly get better, go faster, train harder, be the best. I feel a constant level of low-grade annoyance that I'm not running at my pre-twin pace even though I think my overall endurance level is actually higher now than it was back then. And even if it weren't, why exactly do I care? Because I always expect more from myself. It's never enough. And hence the danger with running: you could always, always, always go faster or longer or both.
I've tried to combat this by leaving the stopwatch at home and just running. I like to log distance since I'm gearing up to train for a half-marathon and I will need to be mindful of being prepared for that race so as not to injure myself. But I've tried to worry less about the time and focus more on just getting out there and running at a speed that seems comfortable. But try as I might, I can't let go of always wondering how fast I've gone, if I've improved on my pace, if I could have pushed myself more on the final stretch.
Contrast this with biking. Our bike is huge and heavy. It has eight gears. It is not designed for speed or for exercise. It is designed for comfort and utility. I hence do not care at all, not one little bit, how long it takes us to get where we're going, how many people pass us between points A and B, or how high my heart rate gets during the trip. I chat with Maddie and Riley. I look around at the scenery (when I'm not navigating traffic). I enjoy the sun, or endure the rain. I feel ever-so-slightly superior to all the cars driving by. I wear regular clothes, sometimes a dress, often clogs. Incidentally, I'm getting a workout, I guess.
And therein, I suppose, lies the difference. Running is exercise that happens to have some mental health benefits. Biking is a lifestyle and leisure choice that happens to be good for my health. I want to find a way to pull some of the relaxed-attitude Zen I have about biking into my running workouts, not to mention other aspects of my life, actually. Perhaps this is exactly what seems like such a fundamental shift to me. Somehow, this bike has brought me the ability to check my need for perfection at the door. I guess the message is pretty simple: bike more. Fret less. Why does it always sound so easy?
09 October 2007
The Race
The 10K was great. We had what I consider to be ideal running conditions: it was cool and misty, even a bit rainy at times. As I've always found to the be case, I was motivated by having a friend to run with, an event to run in, and no stroller to push. My friend and I ran the whole way and finished the race in just over an hour, at a pace of just over 10 min/mile. I could not have asked for more.
It was incredibly inspiring to run a race for women only. There were over 7,000 women registered to run, and the people-watching before the race was fantastic. I saw moms running with daughters, a high-school cross-country team, women easily old enough to be grandmothers, and women pushing their babies. I saw women in full makeup and women who looked like they'd just rolled out of bed. There were women of all races and sizes. Many of the runners thanked the volunteers who handed us water, and thanked the spectators who cheered us on. I've never heard that before in a race. It was so nice.
I passed a women wearing a T-shirt that said, "Four Months Past Baby." I said to her, "You're awesome. It took me a year and four months to get out here!"
There were a few men running, some wearing numbers that were clearly pirated from the kids' 1K fun-run. (The kids' numbers all started with 7, so they were easy to spot.) I was surprised by how irritated I felt to see men on the course. It seemed to rude and disrespectful of them. Come on, guys! How hard is it to find your own 10K to run? Let us women keep this one for ourselves.
I was also surprised by how emotional the start of the race made me. We were asked to raise our hands and cheer if it was our first race, if we were moms, etc. All of the cheering and pep talking and group dynamic totally set me off. There were tears running down my face for the first half mile, at least.
I need to keep running races. The races make all the training—all of the running with no other adult to talk to and a stroller to push—worth it. After having been in a running rut, this was just the inspiration I needed.
It was incredibly inspiring to run a race for women only. There were over 7,000 women registered to run, and the people-watching before the race was fantastic. I saw moms running with daughters, a high-school cross-country team, women easily old enough to be grandmothers, and women pushing their babies. I saw women in full makeup and women who looked like they'd just rolled out of bed. There were women of all races and sizes. Many of the runners thanked the volunteers who handed us water, and thanked the spectators who cheered us on. I've never heard that before in a race. It was so nice.
I passed a women wearing a T-shirt that said, "Four Months Past Baby." I said to her, "You're awesome. It took me a year and four months to get out here!"
There were a few men running, some wearing numbers that were clearly pirated from the kids' 1K fun-run. (The kids' numbers all started with 7, so they were easy to spot.) I was surprised by how irritated I felt to see men on the course. It seemed to rude and disrespectful of them. Come on, guys! How hard is it to find your own 10K to run? Let us women keep this one for ourselves.
I was also surprised by how emotional the start of the race made me. We were asked to raise our hands and cheer if it was our first race, if we were moms, etc. All of the cheering and pep talking and group dynamic totally set me off. There were tears running down my face for the first half mile, at least.
I need to keep running races. The races make all the training—all of the running with no other adult to talk to and a stroller to push—worth it. After having been in a running rut, this was just the inspiration I needed.
12 September 2007
Running Update (edited to include forgotten footnote)
The good DoctorMama would be proud: I have been running. For at least a month now, I've been getting out with the twins about three times a week. I'm not going far and I'm not going fast, but I'm going.
Overall, it's been a good thing. The kids like the stroller time after daycare; they are often pretty tired after a full, social day at what I call school, and the time out in the fresh air gives them a nice transition and chance for a quick nap if they need it. It's a good transition for me, too. I'm usually racing out the door at work, perpetually five minutes late for daycare pickup, and often I have a phone call to make on my way to get the twins. The time outdoors is good for my brain and my body.
A couple of weeks ago, my dad sent me his Garmin so that I could figure out how far and fast I was going. I finally remembered to put it in my bag for today's outing. It's a damn good thing that Sitemeter and all of your comments are stroking my ego because my running results were pretty dismal. I know, I know, it's not about speed, it's about getting out there and doing it. But it's hard not to compare today's results to my running heyday the year I got married, when I regularly ran 30+ miles/week at an average of 8:30/mile.
According to the Garmin, I did three miles in 33 minutes, meaning I was doing 11 minute miles. OK, I was pushing 50 pounds of baby in a 20+ pound stroller. That time and distance includes about .25 miles of walking split between the beginning and end of the run, three brief stops to retrieve thrown Snack Traps,* and one pause at the halfway point to wipe my sweaty brow and give myself a pep talk for the return trip.
I'll be honest here (as if I'm not usually): I don't love running. I never have. I know it's good for me. It does give me energy for the evening and more patience with the twins. It's an extremely efficient way to exercise, and the only thing I've figured out how to fit into my schedule. I love what it does for me, but I'll be damned if I can figure out a way to enjoy doing it. I've never liked listening to music when I run, although I do enjoy NPR while running (I know, I'm crazy), but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with headphones on when the twins were with me. What else is there to provide distraction? The halfway point of my run is psychologically very important to me, and I do sometimes find that I get a whiff of that elusive "runner's high" as I'm headed home. I think that has more to do with knowing that I'm headed towards that dish of ice cream that I've earned (ha) than with the joy of pounding the pavement.
There are things about running that are not good for me. I've always struggled with perfectionism, and there is no perfect in running. (There's no perfect in life, but that's an entirely different post.) I can always go faster, harder, or longer. It's very hard for me to focus on being happy with what I've done rather than dissatisfied with what I didn't do. The Garmin is a blessing and a curse in that I think it will motivate me to go longer, but it will also give me blunt truths with with to beat myself over the head.
The pros definitely outweigh the cons, there's no question. I've just been a bit caught off guard by the psychological stuff that has come up for me from running. The perfectionism, the competition, feelings of dissatisfaction with my body and it's limits. I'm hoping that these feelings motivate me to eat a little better (see above-mentioned ice cream) and make some other small changes that will give my self-esteem a little lift. My clothes haven't fit the way I'd like them to for a while and my hair is in that in-between stage. I just haven't felt pretty in a while. The running can be the foundation for feeling pretty again if I can set aside my psychological crap.
I'm going to start by getting myself some ice cream before bed. (What am I supposed to do? The plan is to finish this carton and then not buy anymore. Sssh, I know what you're thinking.)
*A long overdue reply to the reader who asked me about Snack Traps: yes, they are great, but they are not perfect (hmm, is this a theme for today?) The kids still drop a lot of Cheerios, Cheddar Bunnies, grapes, or whatever else I put in there, but at least when they shake the cups up, down, and all around, they don't spill the contents all in one go. My kids can't take the lids off by themselves yet, but I have heard that many kids figure that out very quickly and thus endeth the joy that is Snack Trap since without the lid, what's the point? I think Gerber and maybe some other companies make versions with sturdier lid attachments.
Overall, it's been a good thing. The kids like the stroller time after daycare; they are often pretty tired after a full, social day at what I call school, and the time out in the fresh air gives them a nice transition and chance for a quick nap if they need it. It's a good transition for me, too. I'm usually racing out the door at work, perpetually five minutes late for daycare pickup, and often I have a phone call to make on my way to get the twins. The time outdoors is good for my brain and my body.
A couple of weeks ago, my dad sent me his Garmin so that I could figure out how far and fast I was going. I finally remembered to put it in my bag for today's outing. It's a damn good thing that Sitemeter and all of your comments are stroking my ego because my running results were pretty dismal. I know, I know, it's not about speed, it's about getting out there and doing it. But it's hard not to compare today's results to my running heyday the year I got married, when I regularly ran 30+ miles/week at an average of 8:30/mile.
According to the Garmin, I did three miles in 33 minutes, meaning I was doing 11 minute miles. OK, I was pushing 50 pounds of baby in a 20+ pound stroller. That time and distance includes about .25 miles of walking split between the beginning and end of the run, three brief stops to retrieve thrown Snack Traps,* and one pause at the halfway point to wipe my sweaty brow and give myself a pep talk for the return trip.
I'll be honest here (as if I'm not usually): I don't love running. I never have. I know it's good for me. It does give me energy for the evening and more patience with the twins. It's an extremely efficient way to exercise, and the only thing I've figured out how to fit into my schedule. I love what it does for me, but I'll be damned if I can figure out a way to enjoy doing it. I've never liked listening to music when I run, although I do enjoy NPR while running (I know, I'm crazy), but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with headphones on when the twins were with me. What else is there to provide distraction? The halfway point of my run is psychologically very important to me, and I do sometimes find that I get a whiff of that elusive "runner's high" as I'm headed home. I think that has more to do with knowing that I'm headed towards that dish of ice cream that I've earned (ha) than with the joy of pounding the pavement.
There are things about running that are not good for me. I've always struggled with perfectionism, and there is no perfect in running. (There's no perfect in life, but that's an entirely different post.) I can always go faster, harder, or longer. It's very hard for me to focus on being happy with what I've done rather than dissatisfied with what I didn't do. The Garmin is a blessing and a curse in that I think it will motivate me to go longer, but it will also give me blunt truths with with to beat myself over the head.
The pros definitely outweigh the cons, there's no question. I've just been a bit caught off guard by the psychological stuff that has come up for me from running. The perfectionism, the competition, feelings of dissatisfaction with my body and it's limits. I'm hoping that these feelings motivate me to eat a little better (see above-mentioned ice cream) and make some other small changes that will give my self-esteem a little lift. My clothes haven't fit the way I'd like them to for a while and my hair is in that in-between stage. I just haven't felt pretty in a while. The running can be the foundation for feeling pretty again if I can set aside my psychological crap.
I'm going to start by getting myself some ice cream before bed. (What am I supposed to do? The plan is to finish this carton and then not buy anymore. Sssh, I know what you're thinking.)
*A long overdue reply to the reader who asked me about Snack Traps: yes, they are great, but they are not perfect (hmm, is this a theme for today?) The kids still drop a lot of Cheerios, Cheddar Bunnies, grapes, or whatever else I put in there, but at least when they shake the cups up, down, and all around, they don't spill the contents all in one go. My kids can't take the lids off by themselves yet, but I have heard that many kids figure that out very quickly and thus endeth the joy that is Snack Trap since without the lid, what's the point? I think Gerber and maybe some other companies make versions with sturdier lid attachments.
09 July 2007
Reminder to Self
You will feel better if you run today.
You have your clothes with you.
It's only 77 out, with a nice breeze.
The kids will enjoy the fresh air.
The twins are always cranky on Monday afternoons, and a ride in the stroller will give them a chance to get a nap and make your evening more fun.
You will make better food choices if you have exercised.
You will sleep better if you exercise.
If you run today, you will be one step closer to not feeling like the pants you wore today are going to squeeze you to death.
You will feel better if you run today.
You have your clothes with you.
It's only 77 out, with a nice breeze.
The kids will enjoy the fresh air.
The twins are always cranky on Monday afternoons, and a ride in the stroller will give them a chance to get a nap and make your evening more fun.
You will make better food choices if you have exercised.
You will sleep better if you exercise.
If you run today, you will be one step closer to not feeling like the pants you wore today are going to squeeze you to death.
You will feel better if you run today.
05 July 2007
Did it.
I ran!
OK, I jogged.
Very, very slowly.
It felt great.
Most of the time.
We'll see what I say tomorrow.
The twins were seriously grouchy when I picked them up from daycare. Riley appears to be making a play to be a one-nap baby when clearly he's not actually ready for such a thing. But he did successfully hoodwink his daycare providers into not making him take his afternoon nap, meaning that he was a full-on Crankmeister when I picked him up. Thank goodness I had a plan. I got home, threw them in the (free from another mom of twins, very well worn but serviceable) jogger and off we went! I think I ran/walked about 2 miles. The conditions were not ideal (out-of-shape self, high humidity, after-work lethargy), but I plodded on. And boy did I plod. Oh, oh. Sad. As DoctorMama warned, I would have been embarrassed to see anyone I knew. Hell, I was somewhat embarrassed to see people I didn't know! But there was a bit of a breeze, the kids napped the whole way, and I was out there. I even passed a few people! Of course, they were walking. And it's not a competition. But still!
When we got home, we played on the deck for a bit. I wheeled Riley around in the Cozy Coupe and we splashed in the wading pool. Then I fed the twins dinner, gave them a bath, and threw 'em in their cribs. They made nary a peep. Tired wee ones.
I have that energized-from-exercise high, and I've been abuzz since the kids went down. I have a load of laundry in, some baby food a-cookin', and I ordered a certified copy of my birth certificate (bless the Internet), which is something I need to deal with one of John's retirement accounts. Yes, a certified copy of MY birth certificate. Don't even get me started. I have our marriage certificate, which this particular company also wants, but evidently that's not enough. Gar.
Since I "work" at home on Fridays, I'm trying to take care of some chores tonight so that I can spend some time relaxing tomorrow. I've no doubt that I can get a bunch of stuff done and free the time up tomorrow; whether or not I use that time for myself is a different matter entirely. I'm hopeful. I'm definitely going to cook a veggie curry recipe from a fairly recent Cook's Illustrated that I've wanted to make for a while. That counts as time for me since semi-serious cooking is something I really miss.
The weekend is shaping up nicely. I have a friend coming over tomorrow night to help with babies and wine-drinking. Saturday I'm hoping to take a walk with friends at some point, then I have a babysitter coming for after the twins go down and I'm heading to a grown-up party with drinks and fancy food and cooler-than-me music and stuff. Oooh. Sunday I'm hoping to see some friends with boy/girl twins in the morning, then in the afternoon I'm headed to another one-year-old birthday party. We know how to have a good time around here.
For now, I'm off. To eat. Something healthy! Not sure what yet.
OK, I jogged.
Very, very slowly.
It felt great.
Most of the time.
We'll see what I say tomorrow.
The twins were seriously grouchy when I picked them up from daycare. Riley appears to be making a play to be a one-nap baby when clearly he's not actually ready for such a thing. But he did successfully hoodwink his daycare providers into not making him take his afternoon nap, meaning that he was a full-on Crankmeister when I picked him up. Thank goodness I had a plan. I got home, threw them in the (free from another mom of twins, very well worn but serviceable) jogger and off we went! I think I ran/walked about 2 miles. The conditions were not ideal (out-of-shape self, high humidity, after-work lethargy), but I plodded on. And boy did I plod. Oh, oh. Sad. As DoctorMama warned, I would have been embarrassed to see anyone I knew. Hell, I was somewhat embarrassed to see people I didn't know! But there was a bit of a breeze, the kids napped the whole way, and I was out there. I even passed a few people! Of course, they were walking. And it's not a competition. But still!
When we got home, we played on the deck for a bit. I wheeled Riley around in the Cozy Coupe and we splashed in the wading pool. Then I fed the twins dinner, gave them a bath, and threw 'em in their cribs. They made nary a peep. Tired wee ones.
I have that energized-from-exercise high, and I've been abuzz since the kids went down. I have a load of laundry in, some baby food a-cookin', and I ordered a certified copy of my birth certificate (bless the Internet), which is something I need to deal with one of John's retirement accounts. Yes, a certified copy of MY birth certificate. Don't even get me started. I have our marriage certificate, which this particular company also wants, but evidently that's not enough. Gar.
Since I "work" at home on Fridays, I'm trying to take care of some chores tonight so that I can spend some time relaxing tomorrow. I've no doubt that I can get a bunch of stuff done and free the time up tomorrow; whether or not I use that time for myself is a different matter entirely. I'm hopeful. I'm definitely going to cook a veggie curry recipe from a fairly recent Cook's Illustrated that I've wanted to make for a while. That counts as time for me since semi-serious cooking is something I really miss.
The weekend is shaping up nicely. I have a friend coming over tomorrow night to help with babies and wine-drinking. Saturday I'm hoping to take a walk with friends at some point, then I have a babysitter coming for after the twins go down and I'm heading to a grown-up party with drinks and fancy food and cooler-than-me music and stuff. Oooh. Sunday I'm hoping to see some friends with boy/girl twins in the morning, then in the afternoon I'm headed to another one-year-old birthday party. We know how to have a good time around here.
For now, I'm off. To eat. Something healthy! Not sure what yet.
Taking Control
I have been rather low lately. Not without reason, I don't think, but I'm getting to that point where I'm tired of feeling that way, tired of medicating with food, not exercising, not taking care of myself. Tertia's list was a real inspiration to me; I could relate to so many of her goals and her final one really hit home for me: I want to start liking myself again. Deep down, I never stopped, but I have let some things go and I want to start getting back on top of my game.
I've been mulling over how to make the changes I want to make, and my plan is starting to fall into place. Here's my Tertia-style list of things I'd like to do for myself:
1. Start exercising again. I feel so soft and flabby.
2. Lose a little weight. I hate that my favorite clothes feel tight and that I choose my outfit for the day based on what I have that is both clean and stretchy.
3a. Start eating better. My kids eat great: tons of fresh fruit and veggies, very balanced meals. Me? I get what's leftover and what I have the energy to prepare once the kids are in bed. I'm low on veggies and high on Oreoes.
3b. Keep working on my list of things that both the kids and I like to eat so that I'm not cooking a meal for them and a meal for me. Variety is less important than simplicity.
4. Finish the kids' b-day thank-you notes.
5. Finish my sympathy thank-you notes.
6. Start simple savings accounts for the kids. Local bank? (convenient, but not interest-bearing) ING Direct? (unclear how this would work for babies since needs to be linked to checking account)
7. Complete paperwork related to two of John's retirement accounts to which I still don't have access.
8. Consolidate various life insurance and retirement accounts into a rainy day fund and a longer-term investment account.
9. Catch up on baby photos/books (with Mom's help).
10. Make appointment with new PCP.
11. Make appointment with eye doctor.
12. Complete planning for John's August memorial.
Whew. It's a lot. The first three are more lifestyle changes than "to-do" items, and those are the ones that are more important to me. I've got a plan in place for all three of them, though.
EXERCISE
DoctorMama is my guru. I am a maggot. If the good Doc can start running in the morning, I can start running after work. I packed my running clothes today, and I'm going to change before I go get the kids. I often take a stroll with the twins after work, but today it's a jog. Since I've set aside the time in my schedule already, it's just a matter of bringing my clothes to work and kicking myself in the arse. We'll see how it goes.
I also might start doing T-Tapp a few mornings a week before the twins get up. There is a 15-minute T-Tapp workout that can't hurt; I might try to do that on days I don't run. I'm going to give myself a week or two to see how the running goes, then try implementing the T-Tapp.
LOSING WEIGHT/EATING
The weight loss thing is, of course, tied to the eating thing. It's also tied to the exercise thing. I've never owned a scale and don't plan to buy one; I don't actually care what my weight is, but I do care about how my clothes fit and how jiggly my arms, thighs, and belly have become. I actually don't think that my weight is much, if any, higher than it was before I got pregnant, but between having borne twins and not exercising, I'm shaped somewhat differently.
So, exercise will help me get my shape back under control, and eating better will help me have the energy to exercise more and will help me lose weight if there is some to lose. I know my body well enough to know that if I'm eating right and exercising regularly, I settle in at a weight that I feel comfortable with, although I couldn't tell you what that weight is.
Summer is a good time to resolve to eat better what with lots of fruit and veggies out there. I just need to eat them. As stated in my list, my kids eat great. I just need to make enough for me, not just for them because when I get right down to it, when I say "eat better," what I mean is that I need to eat more fruit and veggies and fewer bowls of ice cream.
Part of my eating better involves a decision I've been kicking around for quite a while, and even have an unfinished post on. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegetarian, and raise my kids the same way. I like meat—don't get me wrong—but I don't like it enough to cook it at home. Plus I have some issues with the meat industry. Someday maybe I'll get my post on this finished. In any case, I've almost never cooked beef at home, chicken bores me most of the time, and pork is fine, but it's not like I'd miss it. So I'm going to be what I'm calling an Opportunistic Carnivore. I hate to be that pain in everyone's ass when invited over to eat, and I don't want people having to deal with my dietary issues when out or at someone's house. So if served meat, I will eat it. At home, no. Same for the twins. My pediatrician has raised her kids this way, and it seems sensible to me. I find that I will eat more veggies if I need to incorporate them into my main course, so for me, I think going veggie most of the time will help me eat the way I want to eat.
I've got a fairly decent, if not expansive, repertoire of things that the kids and I will all eat:
quesadillas
enchiladas
mac'n'cheese w/veggies
tortellini/ravioli
spinach pie
quiche, with or without crust
lentil casserole
veggie burgers
hummus (kids are lukewarm, but have only had it once)
I'm always looking to add to my list. Any ideas? I'll do more soups in winter, but summer is not the best soup time. Although I just remembered a really good cold pea soup recipe that I have . . .
OK, I need to get on with my day. One final note: work continues to look up. My job description has been revised so that I now directly supervise someone in my department, giving me some management experience that I've been wanting for a while. I'm also doing some writing, which I enjoy.
And! I finished Tsotsi last night. Loved it. The ending was perfect. Loved it, loved it. I cried and cried, but it was so very good. More movies for me in the future. I'm also going to borrow the complete Arrested Development from a friend so that I can balance movies with some TV entertainment.
I feel good today, more centered than I have for a while, even while being aware of and honoring the constant sadness I carry from John's absence. I feel like moving ahead.
I've been mulling over how to make the changes I want to make, and my plan is starting to fall into place. Here's my Tertia-style list of things I'd like to do for myself:
1. Start exercising again. I feel so soft and flabby.
2. Lose a little weight. I hate that my favorite clothes feel tight and that I choose my outfit for the day based on what I have that is both clean and stretchy.
3a. Start eating better. My kids eat great: tons of fresh fruit and veggies, very balanced meals. Me? I get what's leftover and what I have the energy to prepare once the kids are in bed. I'm low on veggies and high on Oreoes.
3b. Keep working on my list of things that both the kids and I like to eat so that I'm not cooking a meal for them and a meal for me. Variety is less important than simplicity.
4. Finish the kids' b-day thank-you notes.
5. Finish my sympathy thank-you notes.
6. Start simple savings accounts for the kids. Local bank? (convenient, but not interest-bearing) ING Direct? (unclear how this would work for babies since needs to be linked to checking account)
7. Complete paperwork related to two of John's retirement accounts to which I still don't have access.
8. Consolidate various life insurance and retirement accounts into a rainy day fund and a longer-term investment account.
9. Catch up on baby photos/books (with Mom's help).
10. Make appointment with new PCP.
11. Make appointment with eye doctor.
12. Complete planning for John's August memorial.
Whew. It's a lot. The first three are more lifestyle changes than "to-do" items, and those are the ones that are more important to me. I've got a plan in place for all three of them, though.
EXERCISE
DoctorMama is my guru. I am a maggot. If the good Doc can start running in the morning, I can start running after work. I packed my running clothes today, and I'm going to change before I go get the kids. I often take a stroll with the twins after work, but today it's a jog. Since I've set aside the time in my schedule already, it's just a matter of bringing my clothes to work and kicking myself in the arse. We'll see how it goes.
I also might start doing T-Tapp a few mornings a week before the twins get up. There is a 15-minute T-Tapp workout that can't hurt; I might try to do that on days I don't run. I'm going to give myself a week or two to see how the running goes, then try implementing the T-Tapp.
LOSING WEIGHT/EATING
The weight loss thing is, of course, tied to the eating thing. It's also tied to the exercise thing. I've never owned a scale and don't plan to buy one; I don't actually care what my weight is, but I do care about how my clothes fit and how jiggly my arms, thighs, and belly have become. I actually don't think that my weight is much, if any, higher than it was before I got pregnant, but between having borne twins and not exercising, I'm shaped somewhat differently.
So, exercise will help me get my shape back under control, and eating better will help me have the energy to exercise more and will help me lose weight if there is some to lose. I know my body well enough to know that if I'm eating right and exercising regularly, I settle in at a weight that I feel comfortable with, although I couldn't tell you what that weight is.
Summer is a good time to resolve to eat better what with lots of fruit and veggies out there. I just need to eat them. As stated in my list, my kids eat great. I just need to make enough for me, not just for them because when I get right down to it, when I say "eat better," what I mean is that I need to eat more fruit and veggies and fewer bowls of ice cream.
Part of my eating better involves a decision I've been kicking around for quite a while, and even have an unfinished post on. I'm going to become a pseudo-vegetarian, and raise my kids the same way. I like meat—don't get me wrong—but I don't like it enough to cook it at home. Plus I have some issues with the meat industry. Someday maybe I'll get my post on this finished. In any case, I've almost never cooked beef at home, chicken bores me most of the time, and pork is fine, but it's not like I'd miss it. So I'm going to be what I'm calling an Opportunistic Carnivore. I hate to be that pain in everyone's ass when invited over to eat, and I don't want people having to deal with my dietary issues when out or at someone's house. So if served meat, I will eat it. At home, no. Same for the twins. My pediatrician has raised her kids this way, and it seems sensible to me. I find that I will eat more veggies if I need to incorporate them into my main course, so for me, I think going veggie most of the time will help me eat the way I want to eat.
I've got a fairly decent, if not expansive, repertoire of things that the kids and I will all eat:
quesadillas
enchiladas
mac'n'cheese w/veggies
tortellini/ravioli
spinach pie
quiche, with or without crust
lentil casserole
veggie burgers
hummus (kids are lukewarm, but have only had it once)
I'm always looking to add to my list. Any ideas? I'll do more soups in winter, but summer is not the best soup time. Although I just remembered a really good cold pea soup recipe that I have . . .
OK, I need to get on with my day. One final note: work continues to look up. My job description has been revised so that I now directly supervise someone in my department, giving me some management experience that I've been wanting for a while. I'm also doing some writing, which I enjoy.
And! I finished Tsotsi last night. Loved it. The ending was perfect. Loved it, loved it. I cried and cried, but it was so very good. More movies for me in the future. I'm also going to borrow the complete Arrested Development from a friend so that I can balance movies with some TV entertainment.
I feel good today, more centered than I have for a while, even while being aware of and honoring the constant sadness I carry from John's absence. I feel like moving ahead.
12 March 2007
Ow: A Haiku
Quads are very sore.
The stairs were oh so painful.
Must get a massage.
(Note: despite the pain, running = totally worth it.)
The stairs were oh so painful.
Must get a massage.
(Note: despite the pain, running = totally worth it.)
11 March 2007
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire
Boy, that last post about my mother-in-law was boring! Jeepers.
Here's something certain to be of much greater interest: I went running today!
I was thinking of DoctorMama the whole time.
I used to run a lot. Well, a lot for someone who never thought she'd run at all unless she had to in order to save her life. For just over a year before I got pregnant, I ran about 30 miles a week. Then I got pregnant and running made me feel like I was going to die. So I stopped, and instead did things like the elliptical, stationery bike, walking, etc.
I've missed running a lot, but it's hard to coordinate a time when GH has enough energy to watch the twins, the twins don't need my boobs, etc., especially during the dark of winter.
But lo! Spring is coming. And yesterday I ran into my upstairs neighbor who is a nice guy who is a runner himself. I asked him what his pace was, and, upon finding it one that I had a snowball's chance in hell of keeping after not having run in eighteen months, I casually said, "Hey, ho, if you ever want a running partner, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things and I'd love to join you." He countered with an offer to stop by at 9:00 this morning, and I found myself with a running date.
I stuffed myself into my sports bra this morning and awaited the bell. I felt slightly intimidated by his cool gear, but I tried not to let it show. Before I knew it, we were off on a three-mile out-and-back. I was good for the first 1.5 miles, then we took a walk break together at the midpoint. Then we ran some more, but I soon needed another walk break. I encouraged Running Neighbor to keep on keeping on, which he did. I alternated running and walking for the remainder of the distance.
I now simultaneously feel like a million bucks and like ass. Mostly like a million bucks, though. The sun is out, it feels like spring, and I went running! So much more interesting than my mother-in-law woes, don't you think?
Here's something certain to be of much greater interest: I went running today!
I was thinking of DoctorMama the whole time.
I used to run a lot. Well, a lot for someone who never thought she'd run at all unless she had to in order to save her life. For just over a year before I got pregnant, I ran about 30 miles a week. Then I got pregnant and running made me feel like I was going to die. So I stopped, and instead did things like the elliptical, stationery bike, walking, etc.
I've missed running a lot, but it's hard to coordinate a time when GH has enough energy to watch the twins, the twins don't need my boobs, etc., especially during the dark of winter.
But lo! Spring is coming. And yesterday I ran into my upstairs neighbor who is a nice guy who is a runner himself. I asked him what his pace was, and, upon finding it one that I had a snowball's chance in hell of keeping after not having run in eighteen months, I casually said, "Hey, ho, if you ever want a running partner, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things and I'd love to join you." He countered with an offer to stop by at 9:00 this morning, and I found myself with a running date.
I stuffed myself into my sports bra this morning and awaited the bell. I felt slightly intimidated by his cool gear, but I tried not to let it show. Before I knew it, we were off on a three-mile out-and-back. I was good for the first 1.5 miles, then we took a walk break together at the midpoint. Then we ran some more, but I soon needed another walk break. I encouraged Running Neighbor to keep on keeping on, which he did. I alternated running and walking for the remainder of the distance.
I now simultaneously feel like a million bucks and like ass. Mostly like a million bucks, though. The sun is out, it feels like spring, and I went running! So much more interesting than my mother-in-law woes, don't you think?
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