10 April 2009

Tomorrow is 11 April 2009

Tomorrow marks two years since John's death.

I feel like I should have something important to say, or that I should at least use this date to make note of the passage of time, take stock in how I feel, and think about how my life has changed since that day.

The truth is that I'm overwhelmed at work, stressed out about my condo, and anxious about a few things I'm waiting on that I can't talk about here. Alas, reflection will have to wait.

To honor John on the anniversary of his death, CV and I are taking the kids to the Big Apple Circus. A circus seems somehow appropriate, no? I have been so overwhelmed with work that I had neglected to mention the circus to Maddie and Riley until this morning. I don't think they really understand what a circus is, but they are very excited that we will be taking the T to get there. Ooh! A train! So fun. I predict that both kids will enjoy the animals and such, and that Riley will get a kick out of any of the physical comedy done by clowns and their cohorts. He is infinitely amused by people falling down on purpose, kicking things, etc. I am doubtful that we'll make it through the whole 2-hour show, but with enough popcorn, who knows?!

It goes without saying that I miss John. I don't miss him any more or any less on the anniversary of his death. How can you think about someone more than constantly and love someone more than infinitely?

43 comments:

Mommy, Esq. said...

Such a beautiful last question. I hope you see him in your kids' faces every day. I think it is wonderful to celebrate him and his roll as their dad by taking them to the circus.

Anonymous said...

sounds like a great way to honor the anniversary. Kid's cannot deal with the obligatory trip to the graveside that some people do.
mark it by living!
also, a heads up - the cotton candy and such at the circus is like $12 each - so pack juice boxes and snacks to keep them in their seats!
Amanda in ATL

I'm Still Me said...

Yes, anniversaries are important to mark events but I think you pay tribute to him each and every day. That is what I read in your blog.

comebacknikki said...

{{{Snickollet}}}

Giovanna Diaries said...

I loved that last line.
Have a great day tomorrow. Sending you hugs!
And $12 for cotton candy is worth every penny!

SupersammyG said...

Have fun at the circus. We will be thinking of you tomorrow. Say hi to the kidos for me and eat some popcorn for me!

Cheryl Lage said...

I'm with the others who've said you honor John's memory daily in the words you compose and in the way you are raising your beautiful babes.

Enjoy the "official" 3 rings tomorrow...a little out of the house circus is a relief...especially one you don't need to clean up after...

Peace, Sister.

Leah said...

That last statement was beautiful and poignant.

Tigger said...

I can't believe I've been reading you this long. I came here from a memorial candle that was placed when John died. Like I'm Still Me wrote, I think you pay tribute to him every day. In small ways, in big ways, it happens when you don't even realize it.

Mama Nabi said...

*hugs*

MetroDad said...

Will be thinking about you all day. Like Sil, I'm sending you a virtual hug. Thoughts are with you.

Keen said...

Have a great time tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you, Maddie, Riley and John.

How time passes.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I agree with everyone about every day. Your readers love you and see the truth in your every word.

Promise me you will do one thing tomorrow for yourself, that you will give yourself ten minutes completely alone. Even on the toilet (but lock the door if that's your only shot).

You get huge credit for making it this far, with sense of humor, resiliency, sanity, and other critical assets intact.

X

Supa

Jody in CA said...

Thinking of you this weekend. Hope you have fun at the circus and that you get a few moments to yourself at some point.

Crash Course Widow said...

Hope you don't get any uncommon, more-unpleasant-than-usual grief whammies tomorrow or later this week. Except for that first death anniversary (and with it, it was really just the dread, anticipation, and unknowableness of it that were harder) they've all been remarkably uneventful for me. Like you said, it's not much different than the 729 days other days you've had to survive without John. I remember my 2nd death anniversary being pretty mundane...no big triggers or anything. It was a little weird not getting set off much by it being a "big" grief day--I think I expected it to be worse--and Anna and I spent the day doing fun activities too. Lunch with friends, a parade in the evening. It was actually rather a good day. We went to the cemetery briefly, but that was it. (There's a picture of her there here; Anna wasn't quite 3 yet. Though come to think of it now, that anniversary was the first time it really started clicking with her what "dead" meant. And I had to listen to her sing-song all day that Daddy was dead. I wanted to rip my ears off. So that part wasn't so fun...but I'd totally forgotten it til that looking at that picture right now.) Yeah....just par for the course for this widow's new normal.

Sending you many, many hugs,
Candice

Caustic Cupcake said...

That last sentence was powerful.

Thinking about you on the anniversary. Hope you guys have fun!

CamSpot said...

Snick, wishing all of the love in the universe upon you and the kids tomorrow. Well stated, those last words. I hope the kiddos enjoy every minute of the circus!

Sylvie said...

Thinking of you today, I think the circus trip is a lovely idea.

Kathryn said...

just adding to the stash of love already piled up here, Snick. Being me, I'll pray too

boulder said...

Your last question says it all. I'll be thinking of you all at the circus, and hope that some of your stress is mitigated by a few choice smiles, laughs, or awed looks by the kids when they experience the circus.

The Widower Dad said...

Your closing line says it all; and really hits home. I hope the circus is a blast for you all. I hope to still have my sanity as intact when I get near these milestones in time.

BrooklynGirl said...

Thinking of you.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Thinking of you...

Amelie said...

Thinking of you, Maddie, Riley, and John.

Sian said...

Are circuses with animal acts still allowed in the US? They are banned in the UK on the grounds of cruelty.

Karen said...

thinking of you.....

(another) karen

Nancy said...

Yup - that last line was perfect.

I hope you had a wonderful time at the circus!!

soonjung said...

Thinking of you and your family.

buddha_girl said...

I think the circus will be a most beautiful way to celebrate and honor John. Riley and Buddha are a lot alike - the slapstick thing still eludes me but not my Buddha!

*hard hugs* You are loved here in the Buddha Home.

django's mommy said...

Snick, thinking of you today.

mek said...

You've been in my thoughts today - hope the circus was a good experience for all of you, too!

Roads said...

Another year down. The second hardest year you'll ever live.

A huge achievement. Now, you take it forwards with you. Attagirl!

Rev Dr Mom said...

Hugs to you all. And I hope the circus was wonderful!

~Denise~ said...

Thinking of you....

Amelia said...

Hope the circus was wonderful and was just the right way to spend the day.

For Riley, you should rent "Singin' in the Rain." The "Make 'Em Laugh" scene would be right up his alley!

Susan said...

Oh, your last question was so right on. Hope the circus was fun!!

liz said...

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Sian, I couldn't help but read some judgement in your question, judgement that Snick would take her kids to an animal circus I mean. If you really wanted to know whether such circuses are allowed in the U.S., a quick Google search would tell you. Asking here, now, when Snick is relating her feelings about the second anniversary of her husband's death seems extremely insensitive to me, and masking your judgement in the form of a question you already know the answer to is really, really inappropriate. Forgive me if I've misinterpreted, but I really don't think I have.

Shelley

Anonymous said...

Snickollet, I've never commented before but must this time. My wedding anniversary is April 11, and this April 11 was my 9th. On that day, three days ago, my spouse and I attended a memorial service for the wife of a colleague of ours who died of cancer a couple of weeks before.

Although it's a trifle selfish to think about other people's lives in terms of mine, I was deeply touched to be at that service and now to realize that this pivotal day in your life coincides with a such a day in mine: Because, yours is the story that I will tell, myself, some day.

Knowing the end of the story, the inevitable end, does not make the story sad, as you have demonstrated again and again in your generous writing. It makes the story...great. Thank you for your story.

~ Jolene said...

Hi Snick,

I came on really quick to catch up. I'm on a business trip in Panama this week. I can't believe it's been 2 whole years. I feel like I just found your blog recently...and that was just days after John passed. How time has flown by. :( I hope you're well and I'm glad the kiddies enjoyed the circus. :) I'm looking forward to the "brewing" posts.

winecat said...

Two years, it just doesn't seem possible! I am constantly in awe of how you manage your life, Maddy and Riley and still go on.
Snick you are one amazing woman. I am sure John is SO proud of you and the way you are bringing up your beloved twins.

YOU GO GIRL! You are simply amazing.

June said...

Snickollet: I admire you so much -and your courage spills over into other people's lives. You are a wonderful Mommy to thos 2 precious children. I wish you all the very best life can offer. Love your babies & knowo that I send you ALL bunches of hugs!

Angela said...

I am so glad you and the twins had such a nice time at the circus to mark the anniversary of John's death. Your continued strength, optimism and wonderful spirit are truly inspiring to me. I love reading about you and the twins' lives, it always helps to put things in my own life into a clearer light. Keeping my fingers crossed and sending good thoughts that your condo will sell.