Happy Birthday, Love

Thirty-five. We're the same age for a little less than a month.

I tried to honor you all day today. I think I did pretty well. I took some time for myself. I spent some time with friends, I let the twins eat pizza and raisins for dinner and go to bed without a bath. I drove like a maniac while playing Crazy Taxi on your Xbox and danced like the white chick that I am playing Dance Dance Revolution. I ate sorbet and BBQ and didn't feel guilty or count points. I bought Christmas presents and tried not to be stressed about the money.

Madeleine had her Early Intervention eval today. She totally tested out. She charmed the pants off the evaluators. Riley got in on the action, too. While he was not formally evaluated, I was reassured that he was well on target in all skill areas. Our children are brilliant, just like you.

I miss you extra today and I thought about you more than usual. Tomorrow I will drive north and the twins and I will spend the night with M and her husband. We are planning to make a scrapbook page for you, have a cake, build "gingerbread" houses out of graham crackers with the twins, play in the snow, and just be together.

You know all this, I know you do. It feels silly to write it to you because you already know. It's like you're in my thoughts, but that sounds creepy, and it's not. I just want to write it down so that I remember how I spent this, your first birthday that you weren't here.

So many people miss you. No one misses you as much as I do. I feel so hollow without you.

I love you, Goose.