07 December 2007

Happy Birthday, Love

Thirty-five. We're the same age for a little less than a month.

I tried to honor you all day today. I think I did pretty well. I took some time for myself. I spent some time with friends, I let the twins eat pizza and raisins for dinner and go to bed without a bath. I drove like a maniac while playing Crazy Taxi on your Xbox and danced like the white chick that I am playing Dance Dance Revolution. I ate sorbet and BBQ and didn't feel guilty or count points. I bought Christmas presents and tried not to be stressed about the money.

Madeleine had her Early Intervention eval today. She totally tested out. She charmed the pants off the evaluators. Riley got in on the action, too. While he was not formally evaluated, I was reassured that he was well on target in all skill areas. Our children are brilliant, just like you.

I miss you extra today and I thought about you more than usual. Tomorrow I will drive north and the twins and I will spend the night with M and her husband. We are planning to make a scrapbook page for you, have a cake, build "gingerbread" houses out of graham crackers with the twins, play in the snow, and just be together.

You know all this, I know you do. It feels silly to write it to you because you already know. It's like you're in my thoughts, but that sounds creepy, and it's not. I just want to write it down so that I remember how I spent this, your first birthday that you weren't here.

So many people miss you. No one misses you as much as I do. I feel so hollow without you.

I love you, Goose.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

*sniff*

very sweet :)

comebacknikki said...

{{{snickollet}}}

BethGo said...

I'm sorry.

(((hugs)))

Kathryn said...

Hugs

taff said...

perfect.

Becky said...

(hugs)

The McMommy said...

This was beautiful.
You are beutiful.
I'm sure John was beautiful.
Many good thoughts for you as you celebrate the day that John graced the earth.

peach said...

what a wonderful way to remember and again what a wonderful tribute to your goose. Congratulations on the kids doing so well! they are beautiful!
HUGSSS
Laura ~peach~

babybound said...

I'm so sorry snick. This made me cry. I'm so glad that you were able to fill your day with exactly what you planned. I am sure he was there with you. Smiling.

mlg said...

I'm glad you wrote it down. he does know all of that, but now you and the twins will be able to reflect on the day somewhere down the line. You described it so beautifully. What a gift for the twins. Glad you took care of yourself.

Melany aka Supermom said...

Lots of hugs for you on his birthday

alisonc said...

Love to you all on this special day. It is very sad but lovely at the same time. Goose would be very proud of you and your beautiful children.

stacey said...

John would really want, more than anything, for his birthday to be good for you. It's wonderful that it was.

Sunny said...

Beautiful!

Diana said...

It sounds like you had the kind of day he would have wanted you to. You did good in honoring and remembering him.

django's mommy said...

Oh Snick... that made me cry. I love how you honored your Goose, though.

ainin said...

Sending all good thoughts and wishes your way. *hugs* I just found your blog and cried so much reading your blog. John was a wonderful man, and this was a really beautiful way to remember him.

winecat said...

Happy Birthday John.

{{{{{hugs to you Snick}}}}}}

keyholekate said...

Absolutely beautiful.Goose will be so proud of you and the kids.I so admire your spirit ,you are a great Mummy.

Anonymous said...

I find I must sniff too...

Happy Birthday John.

MNSarai said...

my heart and thoughts are with you today, S...
-sarah V.

susan said...

Thinking of all of you, and happy birthday, John.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Hugs for all of you.

Anonymous said...

What a nice tribute to him.

- A

Yankee T said...

(((Snickers)))

tree town gal said...

oh snick... love and hugs to you through the tears. your tribute is lovely.

Julia said...

This is so sweet and so poignant. I hope the weekend is good for you.

liz said...

((((Snick))))((((Riley))))(((Madeleine)))

OTRgirl said...

Beautifully said. Sigh.

Kim said...

This is really beautiful.

I wish you lived close to me (I don't think you do - I am in KY) for the sole purpose of introducing you to a friend of mine. She lost her husband (also 35) in May to brain cancer. His birthday is Christmas day. She's facing all the same things you are.

We were decorating her Christmas tree, and out came the "Our First Christmas" ornament. She said, "What do you do with this?" I wish I knew.

Cancer sucks.

Mar said...

What a wonderful tribute of a day.

Angela said...

Beautiful. You're right, John does know, but I believe it also helps to write it down. Sending you warm hugs and good thoughts.

Christine said...

Beautiful, Snick. You honor his memory so beautifully. Of course, John knows all this stuff anyway, and he's proud of the beautiful family he got to spend such a short time with. Hugs to you.

lct said...

Tears here. Sending love.

Kimberly said...

sniff, sniff.

Happy birthday John.

Jana said...

Happy birthday to John.

You're doing a lovely job keeping up his legacy.

halfmama said...

Happy Birthday, John.

Beautiful letter. I hope you and the twins had a wonderful weekend celebrating in John's honor.

Anonymous said...

Oh Snick - just read this - what a great way to spend the day - doing John-things. He knows.

Jolene said...

A little late but I have to admit, I couldn't hold my tears from falling. What a beautiful letter to him. I still have a knot in my throat as I type this. You honored him perfectly. Thinking of you always.

Clover said...

What a wonderful tribute. Wherever he is, I'm sure John had a good birthday, but its not nearly as wonderful as it could have been if he'd been with you. :)