NaBloPoMo ends and I stop posting anything of substance. Not what I'd planned to do, just the way things have happened.
I've been really crabby today. John's birthday is tomorrow. I think those two things are related. I have plans to commemorate John's 35th. Good friends are coming for dinner, bringing BBQ from John's favorite local joint for our meal and sorbet for dessert. I borrowed back John's Xbox that I had given to some friends' kids, and we'll play videogames and eat and enjoy each others' company. John will be laughing his ass off about us playing videogames. Glad we can provide entertainment.
Life just feels empty right now. My job is not fulfilling. I do the best that I can with the twins, but like many parents, I find that it never feels like enough, and I constantly feel like a hack. And I miss John. I love my kids and my friends and my house, but being a single parent is a lot of work and a lot of drudgery. Add grief to that, and it's that much harder. The cold, cold winter weather doesn't help.
We're going away this weekend, leaving Saturday morning to spend the night with friends in New Hampshire. I've got high hopes that this will be restorative and grounding for me. It's frustrating, this notion of wanting to feel different, but not knowing how.