06 December 2007

Down

NaBloPoMo ends and I stop posting anything of substance. Not what I'd planned to do, just the way things have happened.

I've been really crabby today. John's birthday is tomorrow. I think those two things are related. I have plans to commemorate John's 35th. Good friends are coming for dinner, bringing BBQ from John's favorite local joint for our meal and sorbet for dessert. I borrowed back John's Xbox that I had given to some friends' kids, and we'll play videogames and eat and enjoy each others' company. John will be laughing his ass off about us playing videogames. Glad we can provide entertainment.

Life just feels empty right now. My job is not fulfilling. I do the best that I can with the twins, but like many parents, I find that it never feels like enough, and I constantly feel like a hack. And I miss John. I love my kids and my friends and my house, but being a single parent is a lot of work and a lot of drudgery. Add grief to that, and it's that much harder. The cold, cold winter weather doesn't help.

We're going away this weekend, leaving Saturday morning to spend the night with friends in New Hampshire. I've got high hopes that this will be restorative and grounding for me. It's frustrating, this notion of wanting to feel different, but not knowing how.

29 comments:

Aimee said...

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope tomorrow's plans with your friends will help. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

Hugs.

Angi said...

Sorry Snick. I can feel your pain - trying to find "purpose" during the dark days. Yes, you're a great mom of lovely children, but you STILL miss John. It's how you feel, and if you're going to feel sad, it's ok. The anniversaries are always hard, and even years later, I still think about what I lost too. Be brave.

Kizz said...

I feel that way too this time of year (not a lost spouse, other family things and losses). You describe it well "it never feels like enough". I think you're brilliant and brave for marking his birthday so joyfully and for keeping yourself upright and moving forward. Forward is good. You are good. Thanks for writing.

peach said...

you are not expected to have brilliantly wonderful days every day its ok to have down ones but the key is finding something to bring them up and it sure sounds to me like you are doing just that with having friends over and eating together and playing games. you are quite amazing you are in our thoughts and prayers!
HUGSSSSSSSSS
Laura ~peach~

babybound said...

I'm sorry :-(
Cheer up buttercup. You will get through this. You are allowed to be sad so stop feeling bad for feeling sad and things being hard.

Hopefully blogging it out helps. :-)

Michele (Moosh) said...

Oh honey. You are amazing. John would be so proud. Wait a minute--John *IS* proud. You know he is.

I think the weekend away and your trip to Oregon in a couple of weeks might be just the thing you need. It will give you time to reflect and be out of your normal zone. Hopefully you'll have some babysitters so you can just BE for a while.

When you're in Oregon I'll be happy to help however I can. I'll send you my phone # through email or Facebook. Know that I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I should have known by the way you described John that he was a fellow Sag. Many prayers to get you through his birthday.

Oh, and kick butt in the video game fest. ;-)

Karen said...

My thoughts are with you. Try to enjoy your evening with your friends and remember the good times with John.

Wabi said...

I'm sorry it's especially tough going now. John's birthday plus the upcoming holidays seem like two very good reasons to be struggling.

Wishing you strength and peace.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Hugs. I know it's hard.

NanarocksWeen said...

Snick,
I'm in tears here in my office chair.
That empty feeling... I'm so sorry you feel lost. I've known the feeling many times. The thing about life is that you never know what's just around the corner. I'm almost 60 now, and this is what I've learned by getting through the dark times.
Those twins need Mama - and from what I can tell, you're doing a damn fine job at being a single mother of twins!
It's Snick who needs the help now.
Wish I could do something - but all I can offer is the same old advice: one day at a time.
You should be able to find my Facebook now - I guess I wasn't officially registered in the Rollins College network. Wish I could send some of this heat your way. We're really tired of 80 degrees.
Nanarocks

serenity said...

My thoughts are with you today.

xxx

django's mommy said...

Hi Snick- I hope you are getting through John's birthday okay. I had a completely crappy grief day on Wednesday, and the only thing that made it better was just getting through it. I hope you find a few bright spots with the BBQ and video games. xoxox

Big W said...

Delurking to say that you are an inspiration to me as a mom and as a person. You are awesome and amazing.

I hope the sun comes out soon.

Rachel said...

I'm thinking of you today. Those big days are so hard. I hope your weekend in New Hampshire is relaxing and fun.

Binkytown said...

I know this is more about John than the winter or general job dissatisfaction, but we all hate the winter and feel like we are falling down as parents and think our jobs are meaningless a lot of the time. We just do the best we can. That's what you do everyday. Your friends love you and your kids love you and brighter days are ahead.

Angela said...

I am so very sorry it's so hard right now. {hugs}
What an amazing way to celebrate John's birthday, you continue to amaze me with your strength and resilience, you know he'll be there watching and laughing.
I really hope you enjoy your weekend in NH and it's only a few weeks now and you'll be home in Oregon surrounded by your family. Hang in there.

Sara said...

Happy Birthday to John. I think it's wonderful what you are doing (dinner and Xbox). What a great way to commemorate his birthday. We always go to my fiancee's late wife's fav. restaurant on her b-day. Cheer up and look at those beautiful babies of yours =)

Kathryn said...

Thinking of you today - I'm glad you have friends on hand to help a little...Take care

B.E.C.K. said...

A lot of parents including myself (!) feel like hacks a lot of the time, but to have it complicated by grief makes it more difficult, I realize. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, and I think a change of scenery is always a good idea.

Maybe try to remember that it won't always be like this. After winter and bleakness and cold, there will be spring and growth and adjustment and good. Every day brings you closer to spring. *hug*

OTRgirl said...

Anniversaries are hard. I hope the weekend is good. You know this already, but it's ok to let it be hard and sad and not fret about 'getting better'. It'll happen, but 'normal' is a long way ahead. You're doing such a good job.

I love how you decided to celebrate John's birthday. I often just avoided people when I was sad. I like the idea of celebrating in the midst of it all. I just remember that organizing people or events was TOTALLY draining for a while. I'm amazed that as a single mom of twins you have that amount of reserve, esp on a hard day.

Anna said...

Blug. Sorry. John's birthday celebration sounds excellent - well done for organizing a really lovely way to mark the day. And I hope the weekend lifts you up and gives you some breathing space.

Amelie said...

Thinking of you, especially today.

every tenth said...

You should be proud of yourself for creating a safe and happy home for your babies, even when your grief overwhelms you. I hope that the days become easier for you as time passes.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful way to celebrate him. I am so sorry he is not with you . Life can be pretty damned unfair.

Hoping your weekend brings you some joy and a break from the usual routine of things.

Jolene said...

what a wonderful way to celebrate his birthday. I will be thinking of you all weekend.

Lisa said...

My kids Birthday is the same as John's? Couldn't share a nicer birthday with someone special like John.

I know I'm not grieving like you, but this single mom thing is SO hard sometimes. People would say to me, oh, they need a father blah, blah, blah. It's not so much that as that I need an extra pair of hands and they need someone else besides me.

Anyway, even though we both love our kids dearly, sometimes this doing it all on our own just sucks a big one.

Sorry you are feeling down, I hope you have a nice and comforting memorial for John. And that you get a nice rest this weekend.

Sylvie said...

Hi Snick, I'm sorry you're having a tough go of it. I guess all these anniversaries and birthdays will be hard. I think it was Julia who said a very true thing in the series on dealing with grief: that while other people or things can make you feel better when you lose someone, they can never replace the someone. And that is just a sad, hard thing. Some days or times it will be harder than others.
I'm sure NH will be fun, and then it will be time to travel for Christmas. You'll have fun with the twins. But I guess hard days are part of dealing with grief: losing someone you love just plain sucks even when there are other good things happening. I'll be thinking good thoughts on the birthday for you.

Julia said...

I know you know this, but I think it bears repeating. Grief is hard work, physically and mentally. That on top of it you are doing the hard work, physical and mental, of solo parenting can't be helping things. No wonder you are exhausted. The time of year, centered as it is on families, complete families, with mom and dad, and all the kids, it has to take the toll too. All I can say is be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Or five.

Denise said...

Hang in there. Winter can be so dark even if you're not grieving. Just hang in. Lighter days are coming.