GH died last night at 8:00.
I went to an appointment at 1:30. Before I left, I kissed GH goodbye and told him I loved him. He kissed me back, and although he could not speak by then, I'm sure he knew who I was. By the time I returned from my appointment, he no longer recognized me, or anyone. He couldn't even open his eyes.
I picked the twins up from daycare at 4:30, and my mom and I fed them their dinner and played with them in the living room with the door to the bedroom open so that GH could hear them laughing and full of joy. The twins were in bed by 7:15. Once they went to bed, I curled up with GH and stayed with him until he died.
I'm so sad on so many levels. I'm sad for GH, myself, and the twins for all the things we won't get to do as a foursome. I'm sad for the world at large for the loss of an incredible man. But he doesn't have cancer anymore. He's not sick anymore. And while the end came so incredibly quickly, we had said what needed to be said and he knew how intensely I loved him, which is the most important thing.
I miss you, Love. I always will.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
Subscribe To
Posts
Comments
358 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 358 of 358another stranger here, crying for your loss.
i am so sorry.
I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have your babies' laughter, too.
So sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
There are not enough words to convey how sorry that I am that your beloved GH went far too early.
I wish you all the best for the future.
My deepest and sincerest condolences to you, your babies and your family.
May you find peace and light in a time of such darkness.
I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I am so very sorry, for you and for the children, and for the loss suffered by all who knew and loved him.
Anne
I am truly overwhelmed by the beauty of your posts. My heart goes out to you and your beloved children. You are a courageous woman and many have learned to appreciate their lives a bit more because of you and your husband's bravery. God bless you and keep you. You are all forever in our hearts and souls.
DH had you next to him when he died. And he heard his children playing. You gave him the most wonderful gift. You surrounded him with love.
This sucks so bad. I am so sorry.
Though he hasn't posted, Jrex is the one who called me at work to tell me GH died. Even for your husband, Jrex kept a little bit of a vigil...
This came too quickly. Too soon.
After Mom died, I remember being so frustrated that ordinary life just trotted along when my world seemed to have unutterably altered. In your post that juxtaposition seems huge: appointments, daycare, babies' routines followed by an overwhelming silence.
I'm so sorry, Snickollet.
I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I pray that you can find peace in the loving faces of your two beautiful children and know that you will always have a part of GH with you in them.
I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I pray that you can find peace in the loving faces of your two beautiful children and know that you will always have a part of GH with you in them.
"I live as long as there is someone to remember me... and when there is no one left to remember-- no matter! For then we are all together again." Holding you and your babies up to the light that is your husband and their father...
I'm terribly sorry for your and your children's immense loss.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. My grandfather died of pancreatic cancer in 1989. I will be thinking of your family.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so, so sorry that you've lost GH. Words cannot express how sorry I am.
I'm so very sorry. I found you via DoctorMama and have spent half the night reading your blog. My heart goes out to you and your babies.
Kurt Vonnegut also passed away yesterday: "Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."
You and your family are constantly in my thoughts. Your love for GH comes shining through in your posts.
I am so truly sorry.
So sorry.
Just sitting here sobbing. I'm so sorry for you and Maddie and Ryan.
So sorry, beyond words sorry.
I just started reading your blog yesterday and your family already claimed a top spot of admiration with me.
Your family is in my prayers.
As all the others have said, I am so sorry that this all came too soon. But I'm glad that you and GH and the twins could be at home, and that you were able to spend those last precious moments together.
I'm fighting back tears writing this, and just sending good thoughts and strength your way, hoping that they'll help in some tiny way for you and your family.
Heard of you through Yankee, Transferred. Sorry to hear of your loss. Best wishes.
Came here by way of Erin at PCOS Baby. I don't know you, I don't read, but I want to say I'm so sorry for your loss.
Prayers and hugs, even if they are from a stranger.
I was sent here by Beth @ It's really me.
I'm am so sorry for the loss of GH. Your love sounds so amazing...something we all want in life. It will continue on, because something that wonderful never, truly ends.
Much love and many prayers coming your way....
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm another reader come to sit shiva with you.
From Sweet Honey in the Rock's song, "Breaths":
Those who have died have never left
The dead are not under the earth
They are in the rustling trees
They are in the groaning woods
They are in the crying grass
They are in the moaning rocks
Those who have died have never left
The dead have a pact with the living
They are in the woman's breast
They are in the wailing child
They are with us in our homes
They are with us in this crowd
The dead have a pact with the living.
Listen more often to things than to beings
Listen more often to things than to beings
Tis the ancestors' breath when the fire's voice is heard
Tis the ancestors' breath in the voice of the waters
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so incredibly sorry. I pray you are at peace knowing he is free. (Hugs) to you and your family.
I'm SO very very sorry for your loss.
In the very short time you had together it is apparent that you loved each other very deeply.
I believe our loved ones can still see what is happening in our lives so he will get to see his twins grow up from Heaven.
Wishing you much peace,
'wishIknew'
I am so very sorry for your loss and my heart aches for you. My thoughts are with you and your twins. I've been reading since late '05 and have long been touched by the depth of your love for GH, and his for you. Please accept my sympathies.
Melanie
I'm going to go hug my husband right now and tell him how much I love him. Thank you for sharing your story in this blog - it's a reminder to be thankful for the simplest gift - life itself.
You're an amazing woman and GH was so lucky to have you. I've never seen someone deal so gracefully with such a difficult situation.
I am so very sorry for your loss. You'll be in my thoughts during the difficult weeks and months that lie ahead.
I'm so sorry for you. I lost my dad to cancer last year, and it's really not nice.
Be strong, and he will be with you every day.
terribly sorry for your loss. You and your children are in my thoughts tonight.
There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said! May Goose rest in peace. Although you will never get over your lost at least with time it will become manageable. I hate Cancer too!
Tammie
I am so sorry about your immense loss. You are in my prayers.
I'm so sorry.
I was sent here by Sarah. I wish it wasn't so.
GH will be travelling with you, across new states, so you don't get one more state up on him.
I also mourn your husband, your twins' father, your parents-in-laws son.
Wishing comfort for you and your family, as you gave him comfort. He was lucky to have you, as you were to have him. I only wish you'd all had far more time together.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for all of you.
I wish you strength and peace in the days to come.
Robin from Israel
I hope, in some small way, the knowledge that even strangers care will help sustain you through this time. Love to you all.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry this happened. Your fmaily will be in my thoughts.
I am so sorry for your loss. Much love to you and your twins right now.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, and wish I could think of something more meaningful to say. You are all in my thoughts.
Thoughts and prayers go with you in the very difficult time.
I've never even met you but you have touched me (and obviously so many others) with how much you have shared of yourself and your life. And I've been gone and just learned now about GH.
I am so so sorry. I will be in Boston for less than a week now, but if there is anything I can do for you, please please let me know.
Peace and love to you and your little ones.
I am new to this story, but it breaks my heart for you and your children. I am here via Indigo Girl, and a fellow twin mom. Peace to your families, and sympathies from ours.
My condolences to you and your family. You are an extremely strong person and your kids are blessed to have such a wonderful mother to help them through this time.
Devastated for you. You sent him off with a first class ticket though.... baby laughter and giggles are always magical and you being beside him in your bed. Just too sad. I too am softer with those precious to me. You are a brave and gracious lady.
With love & tears, sister Mel, Cape Town, SA.
My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for the unbelievable unfairness of it all. Thank you for reminding us all about the power of love between two people. Crying for you and your family...
I'm here via Max's Mommy. I am so sorry for your loss. May you find peace and healing in the weeks and months ahead, and may you always treasure life and its gifts.
i am so sorry for your loss. I am a mom of twins too and I cant imagine. I found you through Emmie.
Delurking to say, I am so very sorry GH has passed and I am holding you and your beautiful children in my thoughts and heart.
Although I've only read your blog very recently, I now mourn for you and your twins. Hope you find comfort in the thought, that your husband is now watching over you and your kids. There is nothing I can say... I wish you peace.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
But the grace you treated his last day is a testament to what you built together. Wishing you strength and joy in the future.
another stranger here in cambridge, thinking of you and your family.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish peace for you and your family.
Paula
I got on my friends blog today and she had requested we all light a candle for GH.
I went further finally getting to your blog. Today is my first day reading. I am very sorry for your loss and pain. I hope that as a new "reader" you will continue to tell wonderful stories of GH so we can all feel like we knew him too.
I will go home and hug my husband...in memory of GH.
My prayers are with you!
I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathies for you and your children.
Please know many are thinking of you and the twins and sending love, positive thoughts and prayers to you and for you.
Oh, sweetheart.
I'm so sorry.
Cancer sucks
All my heart goes out to you, GH, and the twins today.
This is the first time coming to your blog - but, I will be praying for you and your family. I am sorry for your loss and wish you strength, courage and love through your grief.
I also have B/G twins. I am so very sorry for your loss, today I mourn with you and your family.
I wish you peace.
I leave you with a quote I have found helpful in my own sorrow. May you find some comfort in it's meaning.
"Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow."
~Author Unknown
So sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.
There is so much that could be said, but nothing matters, and no words describe the pain and the hurt and the loss of a loved one.
I am a 5 yr malignant melanoma survivor, I lost my beloved mother Tuesday August 29, 2006 to ovarian cancer, and my older brother is just recently home after 12 weeks in ICU with a severe acute pancreatic attack, (I have worried all along it is cancer).
This is my first visit to your blog and I just want to let you know that somewhere out there in this great big world in Ankeny Iowa someone is thinking of you and feeling your pain and will remember you and your babies in her prayers tonight and every night.
Cheryl
I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry.
My deepest thoughts of sympathy go out to you and yours. Your strength through this difficult time is very inspiring! I wish the bast for you and your twins.
I am just so sorry for your loss. You will all be in my prayers.
Wishing you the strength to mourn and the courage to continue living your life searching for the joy...
I'm so sorry you all had to go through this pain.
You and your family are in my prayers.
my deepest condolences. i will pray for you and your babies. stay strong. again, i'm so sorry for your loss.
I am so very sorry for you and the twins. I wish there was something I could say, or do...
I came over from another blog. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. I wish I could find words that would help, but there are no words. Another stranger is grieving with you.
I just found your blog via Tersia. And i'm crying my eyes out for your loss and the loss of your children. No words from me (a stranger) will help ease the pain, but i read through your other posts and it seems to me that you where prepared for this and that you and GH had made all the coices you needed to make. And as a result you will find peace. I hope you and your children are savely cacooned in his love. I am sure that in his last moments he felt savely cacooned in your love!
I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your twins.
Oh...I am so sorry. I've been away and I kept thinking of you and wondering how things were - and now I read this. Praying for all of you, that you will have the strength you need for each day, and some comfort in the tides of love that surround your whole family.
I'm so sorry.
I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I just hope that your beautiful babies, GH's beautiful babies, bring you comfort.
So very sorry for the great loss you have suffered, I'll be praying for you and your twins.
I'm so so sorry. Even though I don't know you, your words about GH have made me see what a loss he is for the world, as well as for you and your twins.
There are no words. HUGS!
I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. After reading most of your blog a few days ago I was very moved by your beautiful family and your incredible love story.
You, your kids and your extended family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy
Sorry for your loss. I bet GH is proud of you and the kiddos.
I am so sorry. My thought are with you and your family.
God, I'm so sorry. I wish you peace, and the freedom to grieve.
I found you via Doctor Mama and spent the evening of GH's death reading every word of your blog. Your strength, and his strength, and the beauty of your love for each other and your children, have all just astonished me. I hope that you can feel the love from all these people, and that it helps even just a little bit.
Hi, I'm the other "sunny". Please accept my condolences along with all the rest. If you want to see it, I wrote a little about your blog over on www.anothersunnyblog.blogspot.com
If you want me to, I'll delete it.
I'm very sorry for your loss. While I do not know you, and this is my first visit. Your post said all I needed to know. My heart goes out to you.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, Maddie, Riley and the rest of your family.
I found you yesterday, via another blog. I cannot tell you how much your blog has affected me. I have read many of your posts. Your family is beautiful and you are inspirational. You are all in my prayers.
His life was over far too soon, but what a beautiful life it was, and how gracefully its ending. It is so fucking tragic for a man to be struck down in his youth, with a loving wife and two innocent babies left behind, but the tragedy makes the time you had together even more magical. Many people never get to feel their lives together as intensely as you and GH did, taking for granted all the years they assume they will have.
The image of you curled up next to your husband as he left this world is so powerful, and incredibly moving. He left this world cradled in your love.
Of course, I have no doubt you'd trade beautiful and powerful for one more good day together.
I am so sorry.
beyond sorry for your loss. so very, very sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
I'm a long time lurker and I just had to say how very, very sorry I am. Your courage and spirit are amazing and your GH will live on forever in you and those darling babies. I hope you find peace.
I'm so sorry. Peace be with all of you.
i am so sorry.
gh's love will always be with you.
I found my way here from Max's Mommy. I read through the cancer story and I am weeping at my home desk. I've been through cancer with my mother twice in 3 years. While it is not nearly the same level as what you have been through, and no one can ever know how much pain you are in, I'm so very, very sorry. This is utterly terrifying to go through with anyone - and the thought of facing this very real threat with my own husband is...I lack words.
I have the feeling you will find the strength to make it through this trying time. Your children will help you in ways you may not yet understand. My heart goes out to you right now as you deal with this.
I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. GH sounded like such a wonderful person. I am so glad that you were there with him.
I will pray for you and your family.
Heard the sad news from Momcaster. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I pray for strength for you and twins.
From The City of Angels,"I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it."
I grieve with you.
Very sorry to read of your incredible loss.
Your strength makes my silly little trials seem trivial. Thank you for reminding me how important those around me truly are.
I will light a candle for your GH and keep him in my prayers.
xo Anns
I only recently found your blog through Doctor Mama (and read through all of your past entries). I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved GH, and for Maddie and Riley. You and your husband were so very brave. Please know my prayers are with you and your family.
Peace to you and your family in this time. You have the love of a lifetime.
I'm so, so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Hug those babies for me. You are incredibly strong.
I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you and your family peace. Much love to you all.
There is nothing I can say that will erase the pain, but I hope that knowing that I'm so terribly sorry that you and your children have lost your wonderful husband and father will help make the days a bit more bearable. You will be in my thoughts and prayers
You don't know me, not even from online, but I cried when I read your post. I'm terribly sorry.
I came to your blog from another and spent quite a bit of time today starting with your early blogs and reading till your last post. At the beginning there was so much hope and now there must be so much sadness. I hope in the coming days the smiles on your babies faces lightens you and that you have many people around you that love you. I am so sorry for your loss.
very very sorry. glad for you for what there is to be glad about. wish you peace.
there are no words.. i am deeply sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing your love so openly. it runs deep. you are in my thoughts.
I am so sorry. Life is so unfair. The ferocity of your love for GH is obvious in your writing. I hope it can sustain you and the twins in your grief. Love and sympathy from a far away stranger.
Just want to add my sorry, even though you don't know me. I cried when I read your post, even though I don't know you. But you are going through most people's worst nightmare.....so sorry for your loss.
So very sorry for your pain. I pray that you and your children will have much health and happiness in the memory of GH's short but loving life.
325 notes later, I don't know if you will make it down this far but if you do, know that yet another stranger weeps for you and your babies. I am glad you could be next to him when he died, as hard as that is. You know he didn't die alone, he died with much love and that you did all you could. Be gentle with yourself in the days, weeks and months to come.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. How blessed your twins are to have a woman like you as their mother.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort in knowing a stranger is thinking of you and wishing you peace. Your children have a very special mom.
I'm so sorry, and grieving for you all. And praying.
Snickollet--I am so so so sorry. Sending a hug out to you and the twins.
My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family for your loss.
Reading through your blog i am glad you were able to love each other to the very end and you will have that everlasting love with you forever.
I just found your blog today and i am touched by all the love that you and your husband were able to share to the end
i came to you from a common blogger friend, and i wanted to say i'm so sorry for your loss. praying for peace and strength for you and the twins.
I'm so sorry for you loss. I wish you strength and peace through this rough time.
Just wanted to add my condolences. I was glad to read your mother is there for you indefinitely. Hold those twins tight.
Like others, I found you via DoctorMama and spent a good part of my day reading your blog--reading, that is, about your beautiful, strong, and loving family.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you and your children. Glad to hear you were able to be with him closely in the end. He will be close in the future too, traveling wherever you go, and this time without bearing that cancer.
i'm so very, very sorry.
my condolences to you and your beautiful children.
taff in australia... via doctormama
We're all your family now. We're here for you when you need us. Just say the word...
You have so many loving comments here that you may not ever read this, but I would be remiss to not post my sincerest sympathies. I don't know you (I came here from Baby Blues' blog), but I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It absolutely makes my heart sink. My MIL succumbed to pancreatic cancer in 2001, but of course, this was your soulmate, your friend, your confidant. I am so sorry for your pain and just know that one more person is mourning the loss of GH with you.
Love and Peace,
April
((((((HUGS)))))))
I'm so dreadfully sorry
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.
So, so many generous and loving people have expressed to you how sorry they are for your loss. and I do not wish to diminish their sentiments in any way.
But I won't say to you I am sorry.
I want to tell you how THRILLED I am for you that life led your to your soul mate. I would only be sorry if you had never met this man.
How ECSTATIC I am for you that your love produced these beautiful babies. I would only be sorry if you did not have these living tributes of your love with him.
How GRATEFUL I am for every single day/hour/minute you had with this man in your life. I would only be sorry if you had not had this much time together.
i do wish for you it had been more time. Years and years. days, weeks or months, even.
but to find, experience and live the love you had with GH is RARE and priceless beyond expression. and I am not sorry you have had that.
one of my greatest fears (in life) is dying alone. literally being by self when i leave this world.
You, holding your husband at the end - i imagine you whispering your love in his ear, him feeling your touch on his skin, your warmth against him. I cannot possibly begin to imagine a more peaceful ending to a physical existence.
peace, love, respect and my sincerest admiration to you and yours...
i am so sorry
Memory eternal!
I'm so very sorry. I found you through another blog today. I lost my Daddy to pancreatic cancer and my heart goes out to you. I have tears in my eyes as I type this.
Your babies will give you a reason to get up every day.
I just found your website today. I am so sorry to hear that :( I hope you find peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know you and just started reading but my heart aches for you and your family.
I clicked over here from Mom's Daily Dose. This is the first of your posts that I have read. I am just sitting here in tears. I cannot even imagine your sorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
I'm so sorry. You and the twins are in myj thoughts.
My deepest sympathy for the lost of your husband. I pray that your twins help provide the love, happiness, and joy that you have known with him as you carry on one day at a time.
I am so sorry--there are no words. Your babies will help you go on, I'm so glad you have them. And I am so glad you were with your husband when he died. Prayers and hugs for the months.--LT
You're a wonderful woman -- may peace be with you. I'm sorry you had to say goodbye to your husband so early in your relationship together.
i am so very sorry for your loss. your GH sounds like a wonderful man and your love for each other is beautiful...
I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.
I'm so incredibly sorry. Sorry doesn't even cover it. Sorry is such a small word for such a deep experience and meaningful relationship. You both were so lucky to have each other, and I know this won't be the last time you're together. All my prayers and warm thoughts for you and your twins.
I'm sorry to come to this so late, and - I'm sorry, period. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
I am so very very sorry for you loss. You are in my thoughts as well as your children.
I just found you tonight and feel so badly for what you have all gone through. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, the father of your children.
If words could heal, mine would.
I lost my wonderful hubby to this same awful disease on 3/8/08 so I completely understand how painful and overwhelming it is. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. ((HUGS)) to you and your little ones.
Post a Comment