11 April 2007

The End Is Near

It was a rough night. GH was restless and confused. He was having some pain, but couldn't describe it. He kept wanting to take a shower.

I called hospice at 5:00 a.m. They were helpful on the phone and GH's nurse was here first thing this morning.

With the caveat that no one knows when death will come, the nurse said that she would not be surprised if GH dies in the next day or two.

He sleeps all the time. He's confused. But I could not love him more. Right now, life feels so cruel and so unfair.

134 comments:

Anonymous said...

In tears at my desk in California. So sorry to hear it's happening this soon. Love and prayers from a stranger to your family.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but have been following your story for a while now. As a fellow mom of twins I feel for you and cannot even imagine what you are going through. You both seem so strong in the face of this. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time

Menita said...

I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and wishing for a peaceful end, when it comes. I am thinking of you all.

LCT said...

Too fast. Too soon.

Thinking of you here as the snow is quietly falling.

Sending love.

Anonymous said...

God be with all of you, my heart, prayers and love go to all of you. I truly wish I could do something to help, you are in my heart.

brianna said...

All of our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

I am so sorry.

erk said...

You know where to find us, if you need anything at all. (And I use "us" as a global, all-encompassing term for all your friends across the country.)

Yankee T said...

I am so, so sorry, dearest Snick. Please, please take care and hang on as best you can. Sending my love to the four of you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. Don't know where you find the strength....
Much love and prayers for you and your family...

hcb said...

Holding you in the light, through tears. Know that we are with you and your family in spirit, thought and love.

Aimee said...

I agree... too fast. Too soon.

Sending you peace, comfort, love and prayers.

Suz said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and GH.

Mixter said...

Snickollet, I was referred here by Yankee T. I thought I would stop by to send you good thoughts and some moral support. My dad passed away from pancreatic cancer many years ago, but I can't even imagine going through what your family is experiencing. I wish you peace.

Mixter

Rev Dr Mom said...

Hugs and prayers coming your way, liberally salted with tears. I'm so sorry Snick, so sorry.

AMM said...

Sending you comfort, support and loads of thoughts. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could freeze time for you.

Holding you and your beloved in my heart.

Kathleen

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, and I want you to know that I'm sending you thoughts, love and prayers. I'm a stranger, but I've been reading for a year now and this tears me apart. I'm wishing peace for you and your sweet little family.

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Priscilla

Anonymous said...

Sending love to you, from a stranger nearby in Boston.

Leggy said...

If there is anything I can do, anything at all from afar, please email or call. I am so so sorry you have to go through this. I knew it was inevitable, but I'm still absolutely shocked by the rapid and sudden pace of it all.

Lissa said...

Oh I am so so so sorry. I come here via DoctorMama and I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. You have my love and prayers even though I know I'm just an internet-stranger. This is just so unfair. You have such grace and strength. Wish there was more I could do than offer love, thoughts, and prayers - but you have all 3.

Anonymous said...

I am crying with you.

Rose said...

A lurker, ex-hospice social worker, logging in to say how sorry i am. this is just so hard. thinking of you and yours.

Pronoia said...

(o)

I wish I could do something more than bear witness, but at least I can do that. I'm thinking of all four of you.

Anonymous said...

another stranger wishing more than life seems able to give you and your family right now.

Christine said...

I am so sorry. I hope you get more time with him, and if his time is up, he slips away peacefully. Your honesty, courage and humor continue to hit me. Please keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

Snick. . . I've been with you online for awhile now. I am so sad for the end being so near. I hope GH is comfortable and I hope you are comforted by many loved ones. You have the biggest heart I can imagine. Love to you all!

susan said...

I am so sorry....there is never enough time, never enough. Sending love and tears from afar.

Eliza said...

Got here via DoctorMama and Menita. I'm so sorry to discover your blog through such horrible circumstances, and hope that you and GH can spend the time he has left in peace and comfort.

The McMommy said...

I am so sorry for you. For you, for GH and for your kids.
Life is just not fair.
I will keep you and your family close to my heart.

silene said...

Another stranger sending prayers to you and your family. I have only been reading here for a little while but am just so sad at the unfairness. Wishing you peace.

Anonymous said...

I agree Too Fast. Too Soon. Completely UNFAIR

lala said...

thinking of you both with love today

laura said...

Oh God. Blessings to you and your sweet little ones. And peaceful thoughts for everyone.

Suzanne said...

I am so sorry, I hope that your children and family can bring you some comfort in the difficult hours ahead. The prayers of another stranger are with you.

Kris :) said...

so sorry to hear this--all I can think to say is that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Peace be with you and your family.

Maggie said...

Love and prayers from yet another stranger.

Iselyahna said...

Praying for more time... I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

There are no words. I am thinking of and praying for all of you.

cindy said...

It's happening too fast. You are in my thoughts.

Emmie (Better Make It A Double) said...

So terribly unfair and fast - I'm crying at my desk here in Minnesota. I am so sorry, and thinking of you and praying for you. When my boys go to sleep tonight, I'll light a candle for your family.

Rachel said...

I thinking of you and praying for you, GH and the twins.

Heather said...

I was 28 when my husband died, I understand the feeling of the lifetime of love flowing through you now.

In my minds eye I am sitting next to you silently and offering you whatever energy it is you need right now.

bg's Little Sis said...

Snick, I'm so sorry it's happening so quickly, for each of you, for all of it...we're here for you..love prayers and our thoughts continue to be with you.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

haitch pee said...

i wish there were any words that could do something other than to let you know that i too am so sorry, and that you are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

more hugs for you all from SW Washington state. holding you in the light.

Klynn said...

The confusion is one of the hardest parts. Just don't forget, no matter how confused he may be, deep down he knows and feels your love for him. You are in my thoughts and prayers, daily. Peace and comfort to you all.

Anonymous said...

Praying for peace for both of you. Jill

ShabbyDoll said...

Snick, I am thinking of you and your family a lot. More prayers sent your way, and especially to GH.

Cathy said...

Life is so unfair...

Thinking and praying for you, GH, and the rest of your family.

Linda said...

It may be cheesy, but I lit a candle on my blog for you. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sorry.

Pantheist Mom said...

There are not words to make this less painful for you. I do hope you feel the cocoon of energy around you and your family. GH is fully in your love - he knows it.

I am so angry.

Jen in Virginia

seattlegal said...

I came across your blog from another blogger, and I just want to tell you how sorry I am. This is just seems life can be so completely unfair.

wavybrains said...

long time lurker, thinking of you now.

jo(e) said...

(o)

Deirdre said...

I am so very sorry. May you have peace.

Anonymous said...

I have never posted before but I wanted to say how sorry I am. Thinking of you.

thordora said...

I am so so so very sorry.

BethGo said...

I'm in tears too.
Oh Snickollet, there are just no words.

Sylvie said...

So cruel and so unfair. Just wanted to send another comment of support from a stranger. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Lisa said...

Much love and support for all of you here in PDX. D and I lit a candle for you last Sunday at Church. I wish you and GH love and peace and want to support you in any little way I can.

Kimberly said...

Here via Menita...

I am so sorry. Sending you strength from California.

DD said...

May Peace pair with Love at this time for you all.

flossie said...

Just recently learned of your blog via Et Al...my thoughts are with you.

winecat said...

Dear Snickolett,
I came to your blog by way of Dr. Mama and have spent the last 2 days reading your story.

You are truely an awesome woman! I am holding you, GH and the babies in my thoughts. Wishing a peaceful departure for GH and strength for you.

Dorcasina said...

oh, god, snick--if only there were something i could do. it is much, much too fast, and the whole thing is cruel. i'm crying for all of you, and for myself, and for this terrible, terrible loss...

elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

bryan torre said...

people you don't even know are thinking about you both.
hang in there.

kathy a said...

(((((( snickollet ))))))

purple_kangaroo said...

Sending my thoughts and strength.

angie said...

i don't know you but i am sorry.

Kansasienne said...

I am so sorry and shocked to hear how quickly this has come... thinking of you and your family tonight and hoping you find peace and comfort somehow among all these too-quick events.

Heather said...

I am lighting a candle and saying a prayer for you all Snickollet. You are always in our thoughts.

AMH said...

I have been lurking for a very long time now, but never commented as I honestly couldn't find the right words. But, I just wanted to say, you and your husband are in my thoughts. I wish you both peace and calm and I will continue to pray for you guys.

liz said...

Thinking of you and sending love.

critter said...

Wet eyes, pounding heart, prayers to all of you.

Julie said...

Loving you and your family from afar, wishing you all the greatest strength and peace.

Hoping said...

I am so sorry -- I hope your last few days together are what you hoped for.

kim said...

Wishing you all strength, love and peace. DH and I are thinking of you constantly.

Kristin said...

I've only just started to read your story, but I wanted to send prayers to you and GH. As Menita says, I wish for peace for you both.

Emily said...

just another stranger (and fellow RPCV) sending you thoughts and prayers.

buddha_girl said...

I spoke about you to my husband and best friend today. I'm crying for you and yours right now as I did earlier today.

May everything happen with copious amounts of compassion and dignity.

All of my love to you, Snick.

Nic said...

Praying for you, GH and your family. My heart hurts for you.

Third Mom said...

I found your blog for the first time today on Mama Nabi. There's nothing a stranger can do but send prayers, which I send to you now.

Sue said...

Found you via DoctorMama...I am in tears thinking of you and your family. I wish I had the words to make it better - just know some stranger in CT is thinking of you at this time.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. --Val

Mia C. said...

Just a lurker (who's read your whole blog this week)wanting to say...I am so sorry. I will also be lighting a candle for you guys tonight.
Please let us know in the blogosphere if there is anything we can do, at anytime.

cadbury_vw said...

i'm sorry this is happening to you

i hope my prayer helps

Big Pissy said...

I am so very, very sorry for you and your family.

I'm yet another stranger to you, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers

Em said...

I'm so very sorry.

Janice said...

Peace to you, my dear internet friend.

Sarah said...

I am sorry that you don't have more time. Wishing peace and love to all of you.

Jodes said...

came by way of buddha girl - i so feel your pain and know it 1st hand. i am so sorry. my prayers are with you. stay strong. don't stop posting - this blog will help you - we the bloggers will help you. hugs and love and prayers.

terry said...

buddha girl sent me too, and i'm aching for you after reading just a few of your posts.

sending positive thoughts...

Lori said...

I came here by way of OTRgirl, and I just wanted to offer my prayers for you, GH, and your beautiful babies. I hope that the end comes quietly and peacefully.

yellowdog granny said...

Buddha_girl sent me..I will light candles and pray to the Goddess to bring you strength and ease your burden in this time of such horrible pain..I am so sorry...

Schnozz said...

I'm so very sorry.

luolin said...

I'm so sorry.
Thinking of you all, and wishing I could do more.

xfervor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
xfervor said...

I know the two of you will be together again. Real love is never separated forever. I've never experienced what you're going through, so there's not much I can say except you and your family are so brave. We're all here for you.

nina said...

I am so sorry. I'm praying for you and your husband tonight.

Boulder said...

Wishing you courage, strength and peace.

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words, but I'm thinking of you all.

Tertia said...

Thinking of you and sending all my love

Tertia
South Africa

Nina said...

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you, your beautiful twins and your family.

Robin said...

I'm so very sorry. Much love coming to all of you from Israel, by way of Tertia.

Melany aka Supermom said...

My heart is breaking for you. I'm thinking of you and your husband at this very difficult time

Jasmin said...

You are all in my thoughts! Sending you love and energy from Hong Kong via Tertia.

Brian said...

Just came over from Tertia's "Too Close" and am heartsick for your anguish. My family's prayers are with you and your family, and may your he fly to Heaven to watch over all of you peacefully.

Love to you all.
Beth

Kim said...

Praying for peace and for sweetness in you last moments together. I am so so sorry.

K said...

I'm keeping you in my thoughts, wishing you strength and peace.

Anonymous said...

Here via Doctor Mama... sending pleas to the universe to give you more time with your beloved GH. I'm so sorry Snickollet.

Dorcasina said...

Snick,
At my husband's memorial, we lit a candle in his honor; then his family and friends lit smaller candles from that central flame and surrounded his glow with their own--those kindled by his light.

I have that candle, and my daughter and I light it often--on special occasions, or just to feel his presence on an ordinary day.

I lit that candle yesterday. I know that where he has gone, and where GH will go, they will find each other. Their energy and love will not--can not--disappear from our lives.

I'm keeping the candle lit, so that my beloved husband can guide GH gently to him. I will put it out when I know GH has arrived, safely, at his next stop.

I only wish you and I could sit together, quietly, and watch the flame.

Jenna said...

i have come from tertia's blog,and though i am a complete stranger,i just want to wish you peace and love. i will think of you all

Anonymous said...

Hi there
You are so brave - and I think travelling with GH ashes is a wonderful idea! My dad died of cancer, and his ashes are buried in a memorial garden under a plaque! I can only go and visit him once a year, as I now live in a different country! If I had some of his ashes, I could "visit" him every day!
Keep up your good spirit - and I will light a candle for you!
Kirsty x

Stacie said...

I am so sorry.

merseydotes said...

I pray that the end is as pain-free as it can be for you and GH.

Kay said...

Here via Tertia. My candle is lit.

gab said...

Im so sorry. My prays are with you. Hang in there. HUGS!

Angela said...

You and your family have been in my thoughts and I am so very sorry. GH is so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, strong and amazing woman to have as his friend and wife, your strength, love and support obviously brings to him the peace and love he so dearly needs.

Julia said...

I am so very sorry. You show such remarkable grace and humor and courage through your blog- I admire you ferociously.

My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry for your sorrow.

Olivia said...

here via tertia. so very, very sorry. another candle lit here.

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry. No further words are possible. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog in a sort of roundabout way, through a chain of twin mom blogs (I have 3-year old girl twins) and have spent hours reading all of it the last two days.

I'm so sorry for what you and your DH are going through. Life really can be so cruel. I hope the end is peaceful. You will carry him in your heart for the rest of your life, and see his light in your children. How wonderful that you got enough time after his diagnosis to have your twins, and for him to know them and to experience the incredible joy of parenthood X 2. My friend lost her father to pancreatic cancer, and it was over in just a few months.

I'll be thinking of you, and I hope you continue to blog. You have a wonderful voice.

www.legalmama.typepad.com

ccw said...

(o)

OTRgirl said...

"The world is more full of weeping than we can understand". GM Hopkins.

I'm sorry, Snick.

Anonymous said...

sending you much love and keeping you and your family in prayer. may God help you through this difficult time. c.xx

baggage said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and your family.

Super B's Mom said...

My heart breaks for you. Sending hopes of peace and comfort for you and your family. There are people in Alabama thinking of and praying for you during this incredibly difficult time.

honib1 said...

Found you through Buddah Girl... so sorry to hear and read what you and your family are going through.. words seem insignificant at this time I am sure.. but always know that beneath these words.. comes great compassion, and caring from folks all over that might not know you personally but care. Wishing you strength during this time of sadness, perserverance during this time of adjustment. Knowledge that your sweet husband might leave you physically..but the love you share goes on....God Bless you and your family through out this most difficult time

Anonymous said...

If there's any comfort to be gained from well wishes from another stranger, it's yours. Thinking of you.

SusanG said...

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. I'll be thinking about you...

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!