Usually when I log on to Blogger, I have a plan. Most of the time, I have an outline in my head of what I'm going to say. Often, that plan gets derailed in the writing, but at least I have an idea of where I'm going to begin.
Today, I'm without a plan.
I find myself with so many things I could say, but none of them are in and of themselves very interesting and no theme ties them together but The Slog of Life. Really, what of these topics is compelling to anyone, even me, the person living it all?
Work: A Shitstorm
Au Pair Search: Ongoing, with Steady Progress
New Preschool: A Study in Getting Information out of Youth
New Nanny: Two Thumbs Up
Personal Life: Comes, Goes
Lots going on, nothing going on that incites me to write or is likely to incite people to read.
And yet, here I am because I miss the writing, and because the cumulative effect of all of these things is having a negative impact on me. This patch is rough. The sudden change of the school and nanny situation is stressful, as I wrote about incoherently in my last post. While school does seem to be mostly positive, it's still a change and the difficulties with the transition are playing out in various ways; Riley is on a hunger strike, Maddie is even more emotionally volatile than usual, and that's saying something. As for me, I'm gaining weight due to a lack of time to exercise at work and a propensity for stuffing anything I see that looks even vaguely edible into my mouth.
Good times, noodle salad.
Regarding the personal life, I've been kind of dating someone, but haven't posted about it here because there's not much to say. I like him. He likes me. Between the fact that he has a seriously high-stress job and I just have a seriously busy life, we see each other once every two weeks or so, and have been doing so for a couple of months now. We try to see each other more, but it rarely works out. After we see each other, I'll spend a week or so missing him, in a nice way, not an obsessive way, then I'll start to wonder if it's all worth it, then we'll see each other and I'll think, "Yes, it's worth it." He's younger than me by six years. He's divorced, from an arranged marriage. He sends me a good morning text every day, and he's cooked me dinner. He hasn't met the kids, but he always asks about them. He's respectful and kind. My past relationships have tended more towards the zero to sixty in two dates variety, so this is a nice change. We're both quite clear on the fact that we enjoy each others' company but don't have the time or emotional space to force things to move any faster than they are, and so we plod along and it's quite sweet. I have no good nickname for him. Yet.
In other "exciting" news, I'm up for Worst Mother of the Year because it would appear that my son has at least two rotten teeth. We have good dental hygiene around these parts: I brush my teeth at least three times a day and sometimes more (in college my dentist told me to cut back on the tooth brushing because I was wearing away my enamel!) and the the kids' teeth get brushed by themselves and me at least once a day. As I was brushing about a week ago, I noticed something . . . not quite right about one of Riley's molars, and upon further examination with a flashlight, yeah, well, he's got a couple of teeth that clearly have large black areas on them and a couple of more with black spots. We were at the dentist in March; I'm not sure how things went this far south so quickly, but we'll see what they say on Monday when we go in for a checkup.
I have a friend who has just undergone a transformation, a life-changing experience of epic magnitude. Another friend is astounded by the beauty that is her life, a joy beyond anything she could have imagined. I'm not jealous of either of them, or of my many friends who have settled into a contentment of family stability, career success, stability and a certain ease. Jealous, no. I feel like I'm going to get there, too, but I have this longer, more convoluted path to take, and right now I'm in the thick of some of the logistics. Jealous, no. Unhappy, no. In the weeds, yes. Working out the logistics, for sure. I'm in a valley, for the moment. But I see the peak, and I'm starting to climb.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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17 comments:
Love your posts. You have depth.
gmg
You're doing a great job. The fact that you have energy to even think about climbing speaks volumes. Keep on keeping on!
Keep on keeping on.
Just a thought - maybe Riley's eating is connected to some tooth pain. Same thing happened to Yogi - just sayin... I'm sure the doctor will have some good advice.
Miss you.
Goodness, all I can say is...I feel you. I know we're in very different situations, but my husband and I were telling each other last night - we're in The Waiting Place right now- you know, like from Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss?
On the tooth front - my girlies have both developed a new cavity since their last visit to the dentist, five months ago. My hubby felt awful, but the dentist told us it was clear that their dental hygiene was excellent. Jess and Mel have enamel hypoplasia - a number of their teeth are missing enamel. Apparently, this is not uncommon among preemies. I can't remember whether Maddie and Riley were born early, but don't beat yourself up.
Fortunately, my girls enjoy getting fillings, thanks to the flat screen TVs embedded in the ceiling at the dentist's office!
Good morning texts are so very much. In the weeds, I totally get. Can I also say: WORD?
Go, Snick, Go!
BTW: We, too, brush every day and floss every other day (and that's not easy with a preschooler) and my kid still got a cavity that needed to be filled at the last check up. So, yeah, it happens. Seems that she has inherited my chalk-like teeth, poor girl...
Uh oh. I have never even gotten Shortie to the dentist and she is 6.5.
Uh oh.
At least you have competition!
X
Supa
Hope you get to that peak very, very soon! Hang in there, you need to cut yourself some slack, you are obviously doing the best you can right now, and that's great.
Yeah, I'm in a valley and not jealous of anyone's peaks, either. The truth is, we all get both.
Zero to 60 in two dates can be fun in an intense kind of way, and rarely lead to real commitment with a lasting foundation. This seems to have brighter potential, or perhaps simply indicate that you are getting ready for something with brighter potential. Then again, maybe it is just nice to have some level of companionship without the intensity for a while.
My two daughters have terrible teeth,
some type of hypoplasia. My older, at 11 has 2 crowns and a root canal already, and my younger D, at 8 will needs 2 permanent 6 year molars in the back pulled because they deteriorated so badly.
So don't feel it;s your fault - it's anyone's going to get Worst Mother award, it's me!
No way are you the worst mother of the year - some kids just have teeth that are prone to cavities. Some adults do too - I still seem to need a filling every couple of years, no matter how much I brush.
On that note, I highly recommend tooth sealants as soon as the kids are old enough. I got them for my daughter after she had a cavity a couple of years ago, and she hasn't had one since, even though I suspect she doesn't brush very well. (She's almost 12, so odds of her letting Mommy inspect her work are pretty much nil.)
Hopefully unrelated, but feel the need to mention that enamel problems on teeth can be caused by celiac disease. Might be worth getting checked out.
Arranged marriage? That sounds like an interesting backstory!
Congrats! I hope he would be the last. I know it's kind of private but since you posted it on here, I just want to say that I am really happy for you. I can feel it through and towards the depth of your splendid writing. Anyway, you should check for some dentists. In Edgewater we have this doctor and dentist list for you to choose and try their service. Some sort of look and scrutinize one over a hundred lists of licensed and professional dentists. Edgewater, NJ's edge is his connection to its community, your cute kids are growing up and it is time to wear on their "enamel".
You remind me of myself a bit in that you always take the more challenging path in life. Your comment that you will get there, it just takes longer because of the more complicated path really rang true to me. I have the same situation in just about every way...my life is overly complicated and my choices mostly are responsible for that. But we'll get where we are going eventually.
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