13 September 2010

Preschool, the Public, Day 1

The nanny arrived promptly at 8 a.m. Before 8:30, she, Maddie, and Riley were headed to the park down the street. They didn't return until close to 10 a.m. She is kind and sweet and I think she'll be great.

We all walked to school together. On the way, we ran into a friend of Maddie and Riley's from their former preschool with his parents. The kid was wearing a tie. It was adorable.

At preschool dropoff, Maddie and Riley walked in like they owned the place. This Spanish immersion is serious business, much more so than at the kids' former place of education. I need to ramp up my Spanish language skillz.

My amazing friends who are kind enough to be taking care of M&R after school until I find an au pair were kind enough to post a pic on Facebook of after-school glee. Everyone looks to have had a good day.

Not at all surprisingly, both kids FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when I picked them up from their friends' house. Yeah. Uh-huh. We made it home, then made it through dinner and stories and then they were off to bed with little dark circles under their eyes. In bed at 7:25 p.m., asleep at 7:26 p.m.!

Then it was time for me to breathe a sigh of relief, prep lunches for the next day, dinner for the next night, eat leftovers for dinner, pour a glass of wine. We'll get through this. We've gotten through so much, and more is to come. Such is life. It's funny though—funny-strange, that is—how this unexpected significant change feels more emotionally fraught to me than the instance of John's death. I saw John's death coming, and I was somewhat prepared for it. Yes, the life-changing instance of losing a spouse was devastating, but it was the aftershocks that were harder, that continue to be harder, than the actual event itself. It's the reverse now, the shock of the upheaval, that I'm having a hard time with; hopefully the reverberations will be soothing rather than a jarring reminder of the initial event. I don't mean to overdramatize the emotions around shifts in school and childcare, but I've been surprised at how visceral it's all felt to me. Sudden change and anything that has a visible effect on the psyche of one's children is tough stuff. But day one is down, and day one was about as good as I could have hoped. May day one be predictive.


todd said...

Last paragraph striking. Corresponds to my experience of never really living anything major only once, to the extent that the main event loses gravity at the center, with the premonition and reverberations cutting a big swath of life-time, unexpected. May these reverberations grow sweet and healing as they roll. It's always Day 1; center of the liminal is a good place to be!

Anonymous said...

Yes, a huge but expected loss of a beloved with everything said can ground you so deeply in the pain and in the love and in the present. Navigating the unexpected changes and uncertainty on your own afterwards can be frankly terrifying and takes ever growing courage. You are doing great -- keep going!

Sadia said...

Hurray that the children are happy. I hate hate hate change. Even the good kind stresses me out. Thanks for admitting your feelings about the schooling change.