04 April 2007

Tried, Failed

GH had the procedure today to place some stents in his liver to help with bile drainage and hopefully alleviate some of the jaundice and itching he's been suffering. Alas, the procedure was not successful. They were not able to place any stents.

Also in the bad news category today: GH's kidney function is starting to look less than stellar. Great.

One last bit of bad news: the weather had the nerve to be snowy today. Snow! WTF? I guess that's New England for you.

In the good news category, he will likely come home tomorrow. Hooray for that.

Also in the good news category, my mom will be here on Saturday. She bought a one-way ticket and will stay as long as we (mostly I) need her. I am thrilled. I have a great support network of friends here, but they all have their own lives and many of them have kids and they do everything they can, but they can't be my mom.

In the category of You Take Your Memories Where You Can Make Them, I took a lovely nap with GH today, curled up on his hospital bed. It was nice to feel so close to him and be peaceful like that.

20 comments:

DoctorMama said...

I was thinking about you today, and, no kidding, hoping you were curled up in the hospital bed together.

Emmie (Better Make It A Double) said...

I'm trying to remeber that saying nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing is at least as useless - something I learned when we almost lost our boys. Hon, I am SO sorry, but so glad your mom is coming and that you have some support. You can do this. It's awful that you have to, but I want you to know that your strength comes across in your writing and that I think you are amazing. You are on my mind and in my prayers.

Dorcasina said...

I am thrilled your mom is coming; it will give you help with the babies, time with GH, and resources for dealing with his parents, who are going to be devastated and probably, given your reports of your m-i-l, something of a terrible burden. The family dynamics are so exhausting, and I know your MIL is not likely to respect your grief, even if she tries.

I am so, so deeply sorry that they were not able to do more with today's procedure. I am holding all four of you in the light, and praying that whatever the next weeks and months bring, that you will find some spaces of serenity. They are there, you know--too few, and completely inadequate. My husband and I reached a place where we knew we had said everything we needed to say, celebrated everything we could about each other and our lives together, given how short they were. That is not to say we achieved "closure," but that we knew there was nothing left undone in the time we were allowed. It sounds like you and GH are already there.

I am having angry dreams in which my husband has somehow outlived his final shut-down; the dreams are grotesque, and sad, and frightening, and I wake up in tears and spend the whole day on edge. I think it's because I am wishing so violently (yes, I mean *violently*) that one of us would get the elusive miracle.

I am deeply saddened that I never got around to filming my husband talking to my daughter, or having him write her a note. It might be something GH would like to do, or it might not. It's one of the few small regrets I have (the others are HUGE, of course) that I could actually have handled differently. We clung to hope/denial until it was too late for him to make the effort.

Sorry to ramble; I want you to know how much I understand, and still respect the fact that your situation is utterly unique. I don't mean to be intrusive, morbid, or bossy. Ignore or delete anything you wish. It's amazing how eloquence and elegance desert us when they matter most.

You, GH, and the babies are loved.

ArtSweet said...

damnit, I was so hoping for a miracle for you.

Vix said...

Still thinking, hoping, praying, wishing, wanting and sending as much peace into the universe for you as possible.

susan said...

oh, damn.

I hope you continue to find some peace and connection together, even with all else going on.

LCT said...

Like doctormama, I had an image in my mind today of you and GH lying togther, holding one another. Your nap together sounds lovely.

LCT said...

I'm so sorry the procedure didn't work. So very, very sorry. You are in my thoughts each day.

I'm glad GH will come home tomorrow. And that your mom will be there this weekend.

Yankee T said...

I have nothing to add except more love and kind thoughts, and a deep, peaceful joy that you napped together. Hurray for the mama arriving.

liz said...

Thinking of you all. I will keep you in my thoughts everyday.

Lisa said...

I'm glad your mom is coming to be with you. And I'm sorry that the liver procedure was unsuccessful.

When my mother was dying, there were things I wanted to share with my sister and my father to prepare them, not like I knew all, but just because I'd seen so much death from cancer in peds where i worked and also death in the disability community as well. I wanted to tell them, when the time came when it was weeks and only days, to just surrender to it. Don't fight anymore. No more clinical trials, no more crazy trips across the country for the latest thing, just to sit and enjoy each other. This is it,just let it all come. Feel it all, take all the time you have to be together and put all the little tasks and worries aside. Just surrender to it.

They thought I was crazy, and maybe you might, too. I'm not trying to dispense assvice, for we all handle illness and death and grief in our own way. You will do whatever works for you and it will be the right thing. So, I don't know why I'm sharing this with you, just that I want you to have as much time in those little moments like snuggling in the hospital bed and to not worry about anything else right now.

Your whole family is in my thoughts and prayers each day.

haitch pee said...

so many thoughts and something akin to prayers coming for you, GH and the babies.

Klynn said...

How wonderful that your mother is coming. Reminds me of...me. I quit my job and moved home to help my folks when my dad was diagnosed as terminal. I just felt like I had to be there. I wouldn't have traded that time for anything.

Hopefully, with your mom there, the trivialities will blend into the background and you can capture as many precious moments as you can with GH. Wishing you both peace, comfort and love.

Rev Dr Mom said...

So glad your mother will be with you. You are on my mind and in my prayers.

Christine said...

I'm sorry, Snick, but glad your mom's going to be there. I know that mine always makes me feel secure and loved -- well, when she's not annoying the crap out of me. You need her right now. Keep us all posted, and I'm still praying.

Leggy said...

I am glad that your mom is coming and even more glad that she's a source of support for you. You amaze me with your ability to "take it while you can."

Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you were napping together today.

Let your Mom mother you a bit, okay? You're having to be the grown up in too many ways right now.

I'm carrying you, your beloved and your sweet babes in my heart.

Kathleen

kathy a said...

xoxoxox

OTRgirl said...

I'm so glad your Mom will be with your family.

I like the image of you and GH curled up together.

I just don't have words for how sad I am for you guys...

Julia said...

Love and peace to you.