17 April 2007

A Couple of More Notes on Grief, Mine and the Twins'

Riley is having bad dreams. He woke up terrified at 10:30 p.m. last night. Poor little man. I rocked him back to sleep, but as soon as I laid him back down in his bed he was screaming again. I managed to soothe him back to sleep with some lullabies, and he slept through until 5:00 a.m., but then he was ready to rock and roll.

Both babies are waking very early and waking unhappy.

I continue to eat a lot.

I have purged a massive amount of cancer-related stuff from my house. It feels really good.

My in-laws and I picked up GH's ashes today. It went OK. GH is now on one of our bookshelves at home, for now in the ugly brown plastic box from the crematory. I need to figure out what to keep him in more permanently.

After picking up GH's ashes and dropping my in-laws off at the airport, my mom and I took GH to Whole Foods. We needed to stop there, and I didn't want to leave him in the car.

Since GH died, the weather here has been horrible. Saturday, the day we sent him off on his journey at the crematory, has been the only exception. Today, the weather is not great, but seems to be turning the corner. I think GH is glad to be home. I know I'm glad to have him here.

38 comments:

Christine said...

My best friend's mom was cremated and her ashes put in a cloisonne urn. She loved and collected cloisonne figurines, so it was fitting. Maybe the container you pick could reflect an interest GH had. Just a thought.

Continuing to think of you and the twins. You are an amazing woman. Sorry you had to find it out through these circumstances.

Suz said...

I've always noticed how the twins can pick up on changes in my mood and the general atmosphere. They grieve as you grieve; you grieve as they grieve.

Julia said...

This is so unfair. You have been on my mind a lot lately. I am so sorry.

The thing that is weirdest and hardest about grief, I think, is its nonlinearity. Try not to think of bad days as setbacks if you can. It took me a while to figure that out.

Yankee T said...

Oh, I've worried about the babies. Although not on a totally cognitive level, they feel your grief and they must know that GH is missing. I'm so sorry, Snick. You know, you can get a nice wooden box with a tight-fitting lid that has a picture of you and the babies on the front-or a picture of GH and the babies-or all 4 of you-or the 2 of you-(WHATEVER, YANKEE!)just a thought. If you want to know where you can get such a thing, just shoot me an email.
Thinking of you.
XOXO
YT

Left Coast Sister said...

I found your blog through others... Just wanted to add my condolences... and I've been wondering if it feels just wrong that the world is still spinning and that life is still continuing. I would want to raise my voice to the wind and say "Do you realize what is happening to me here??".
Thinking of you and the babies...

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you'll find something beautiful and appropriate to put GH's ashes in, and something not cheesy funeral homey.

Isn't it amazing how children can pick up on our moods? It is sad that your children are so young and can't really understand what has happened, and at the same time, wonderful that they don't really know how their life has changed. How fabulous that you have them. What a legacy your husband left behind. Imagine how much harder this would be without them.

www.legalmama.typepad.com

Kristen D. said...

After our friend's mom passed away at age 50, he needed some thinking time and went out walking on the path that runs along the Willamette River, just south of downtown Portland. He looked to the sky and asked his mom for a sign that she was okay. He turned around and a few feet away stood a heron that just looked at him for the longest time before turning away towards the water.

The next day our friend was looking at an urn for his mother's ashes. Right away he was drawn to one...with a heron painted on the front. That now holds his mother's ashes.

I have a feeling that you will find something similar for GH that will hold special meaning for both of you.

buddha_girl said...

I love that you took him with you to Whole Foods. I hope he took a ride in the cart. I would have grinned with you the entire way.

The twins will even out. I'm sure they've realized GH's sudden absence and are trying to make sense of it. They're so lucky to have you as their mom and guide through this crazy life.

When my Dad died we also purged EVERYTHING remotely related to his heart problems and cancer. Out, out damn spot!

Oh my gosh! I just read everyone's comment before adding mine and loved Kristen's story about her friend. She's right; you WILL find something so appropriate for GH!

Much love to you and the bambinos!

elizabeth said...

...nothing helpful to say, but I am thinking of you...

Korin said...

I recently found you via Mel (stirrup queens) and am wishing you peace and healing. My IVF baby was born last june also, and I can't fathom how intense this year has been for you. i truly hope your twins find some peace in this journey.

A close friend of mine's mother died of pancreatic cancer last february, and her best friend is a potter. She took some of Joan's ashes and made a glaze for the urn, and it is quite frankly one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. please email me if you are interestedin getting her info.

much love and peace to you.

Anonymous said...

I came over via a number of different people, but just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts daily.

Iselyahna said...

I'm so glad that you're taking him with you. Especially to Whole Foods. I also hope that he took a ride in the cart.

I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I was clicking around on the internet and found a wooden box with a dove for 'peace' on it. I don't know if that's something you'd be interested in, but if you are:

http://www.canakani.com/servlet/Detail?no=380

Sorry if that's intrusive, I just thought it looked... well, peaceful.

I'm sorry to hear about the nightmares :(

mijk said...

I know here in Holland there are lots of urnjewellery for sale. Neclaces for exmaple that contain a bit of ash of your loved one. I thought it might be a lovely way to make sure you take GH on your future travels (I commented before but didn't see it appear I am teriible sorry if I posted twice now)

Angela said...

So sorry to hear about the twins' early rising and crankiness and Riley's nightmare. Poor little guy, I really hope he doesn't have any more.

The optimism I can read in your blogs is so incredibly inspiring, you take comfort in the little things around you. Praying for sunny skies and that the twins start sleeping and waking with their beautiful smiles and giggles.

Tigger said...

Here we have a place where you can go and paint you own ceramics. They have them for purchase, you pay for the piece and time to paint, and they fire it for you. If theyhave something like thatin your area, you could paint a vase or an urn with something that reflects GH and place his ashes in there. Just a thought...

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Some really good ideas that I can't really add to. The idea of a necklace sounds really good too. Then GH can always go with you to Whole Foods. Children do pick up on moods so easily, boys sometimes more than girls in my experience. Could Riley also be getting some more teeth?

CPA_Mom said...

Hi, here from Amy Corbett (Amalah). I am so sorry to read your story and just wanted to let you know, from someone who was widowed herself, that you and your babies are in my prayers. I wish I had words of comfort for you.

cpamomva at hotmail dot com

Anonymous said...

All I want to say is that I am thinking of you and your twins. With love.

gingajoy said...

I'm also here via Amalah, and I have just been spending some time reading your story.

I cannot imagine how raw you must be feeling right now. I am so glad that some small things are still a pleasure. Your twins sound beautiful.

I am so sorry for your loss.

A.M.S. said...

There is nothing I can say.

I saw the post on Stirrup queens and read through your entire archive the next day. You and the twins have my deepest sympathy and are in my thoughts often these days.

I'm sure GH was thrilled when you took him to Whole Foods. And when the time is right, you will find the perfect container. I think it's one of those things that you can't go looking for, it just has to happen.

Chebbles' Mama said...

I found your blog through others and I wanted to share my condolences on your loss. It's just so sad and terrible and unfair, and in the midst of it, you take GH to Whole Foods, which is so marvelous, so incredible, it brought even more tears to my eyes.

Josie said...

I just found your site today and even though I just started reading about your story, I can't leave without commenting, even though I have nothing to say other than I am so sorry. You will be in my thoughts.

Jessika said...

I'm so sorry and saddened by your loss. I wanted to mention you might consider Life Gems to bring GH with you everywhere - from ashes they can create beautiful, man-made diamonds. I think their website is www.lifegems.com . It's a very touching site and thought to always have him with you in something that is eternally strong.

Linda said...

I hadn't commented before because I just didn't know what to say. I guess there isn't much to say except I'm so sorry.

The last couple of days, I have found myself thinking of you and your family every morning while getting ready for work. Your twins are so beautiful and I love hearing how you left the door open so your husband could hear the twins laugh and play before they went to bed. So sweet. It is something that I will always remember.



I wish you peace and comfort.

tracey said...

I'm glad you have him home too.

I am deeply sorry for your loss and what you are having to process. No one should have to go through it, but I will say as I read your archives that you are one incredibly courageous woman. Your babies are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

You're in our thoughts.

soralis said...

Oh sweetie my heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I wish there was something I could say/do to help. Just know I am thinking of you and those sweet little ones.

Cathy said...

We have part of my FIL's ashes on our bedroom armoire... plan on adding him to the compost and taking part of the compost if we ever move.
Twin parenting does get more manageable after the first year.

You are in my thoughts.

Anna said...

I just found your blog. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You honor GH with your stories, even the ones when you were tired and frustrated. The way you talk about him is so loving, so whole. I pray that you'll be comforted. Sending love.

liz said...

Stopping by with hugs.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am thinking of you and your twins.

A reader from Australia

Vanessa said...

Hi,

I found your blog through another blog and wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. I'm also 35 and recently widowed, with an 8-year-old daughter. My husband passed away on July 2 of last year, and I remember all too well what those first few weeks were like. I'll be thinking of you and your children.

Newbie said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and just wanted to extend my condolences to you and the twins. I agree with Linda - I also thought that leaving the door open so that GH could hear the twins was so very thoughtful. The twins are lucky to have you as their mother.

take care of yourself - you deserve the time and care of others - and the space to just be.

OTRgirl said...

It's hard to leave a comment. Not for sorrow, but for distraction. I love reading what other people have said, and by the time I've followed links to other's blogs and read all the comments, I have nothing left to say...

Cause I was going to suggest a nice wooden box (but see the heron story. Much better said) or a ceramic container (see the ash/glaze comment--very cool idea).

In any case, thinking of you and wanted to let you know.

Menita said...

I'm thinking of you.

M said...

I can't even remember how I found you, I've been on your blog reading for over an hour.
I just want to extend my heart felt sympathies....I know that doesn't help you, but I"m thinking of you.

Jeff said...

my mom died of pc.

grief is like waves in the ocean...it washes over you and threatens to drown you, then other times the waves are still and calm, but you are always in the water.

strength to you and your babies...

Magpie said...

I'm so sorry that the kids are sleeping poorly.

Once upon a time, a friend of ours died of AIDS. His partner went to Bed, Bath and Beyond to try and find a suitable container for the ashes. He walked in and the greeter said Bed or Bath? He said, no, Beyond.

You are an amazingly strong woman, and I wish you and your babes all the best.

Mama Nabi said...

I'm also glad GH is home with you and the twins. Thinking of you three...