20 April 2007

Decision and Pizza

I've decided that it's time to let you all know that GH's real name is John. I usually called him Goose, a habit that started early on in our relationship under circumstances I no longer remember. He called me Goose, too, which sometimes made things confusing to other people, but not to us.

For the past few months, John and I had been in the habit of ordering pizza on Friday nights. Throughout his illness, pizza was the one food that reliably sounded good to John, plus it's easy and cheap and easy and cheap. We'd call in the order just before feeding the babies so that it would be ready for pickup just after they went down.

My mom's still here helping me, and she and I decided to carry on with the pizza tradition. We'll light John's candle and eat our pizza and watch our movie. We're going to watch Invincible. I'm a sucker for the inspirational sports movies, and it was one that GH put in our Blockbuster queue before he died.

It won't be the same without you, Love, but I know you'd want me to carry on

45 comments:

liz said...

Thinking of you.

Meg said...

I read your entire blog today and I'm left feeling, so deeply, that life just isn't fair. My positive thoughts are with you and your babies. You're an amazing woman and I don't think you give yoursef enough credit. Your husband must be so proud of you.

AMH said...

I've debated leaving this sort of comment, because this is not the place to unload... but it is just another way your GH's life has touched the world.... so I think I will...

I guess all I want to say is that your husband's struggle, and the love that was so evident between you both, as really altered my perspective. It is easy to get distracted by life's little annoyances but over the last few weeks I've made a point to not take things for granted... particularly my husband. We've had our rough spots but truly, we do love each other, and I've found that in treasuring that, each and every day, we are both happier and more fulfilled people.

So while I am sure it is hard, at times, to write about this journey, I am so glad you have. And I continue to think of you four daily, and pray for good things for all of you.

Rev Dr Mom said...

(o)

Melissa in TN said...

I'm so glad your Mom is still there with you and you can continue your Friday night routine.

You and the twins are in my thoughts.

Lisa said...

Your story has touched me and I have been thinking about your family non-stop since I found your blog. Thank you for sharing his name. Traditions, no matter how small are what will carry you through. Your love for each other is so evident.

Thank you for your updates.

kim said...

I haven't posted lately but you're always in our thoughts - DH and I talk of you and the twins often. I hope they're doing better in recent days... It's so touching that you're keeping beloved traditions alive.

Cibele said...

Hi,
Even since I read your blog (in its entirety) last week I bee thinking a lot about you and been inspired by your strength and serenity throughout these difficult times. Your babies are blessed to have you as a mother. Your love for your husband and his loss has reminded me how precious each day and each time we share with those we love are. Thanks for sharing your story so openly and inspiring us
I wish you all the best

Jason said...

Carry on indeed. Tradition and routine have kept me going in many ways. Though I haven't been a slave to them either.

Dorcasina said...

I wish my daughter and I could bring my husband's candle and eat pizza with you. I hope your mother will be around for a while...

buddha_girl said...

I love that you're continuing traditions that can help you savor your memory of John. I'm sure he grinned from ear to ear when he heard the order for the pizza made on the phone!

*hard hugs*

Yankee T said...

Stopping by on my way west to say hello. Thinking of you and the babies, as well as John, every day.

Deirdre said...

We are strangers but I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Pizza is a wonderful tradition.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Sometimes it's the small things in life that give us comfort. I hope you can always carry on your pizza tradition. Whiz some in the blender for the twins. Bet they'd love it!

Suz said...

I like thinking of him as GH; in my mind, it stands for "Gorgeous Husband."

Kimberly said...

Living on in small ways - like pizza night - is important (and sweet) too.

ccw said...

A wonderful tradition to carry on.

Thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I like knowing his name. It is a good, strong, solid name, which sounds very fitting from what I know of him from your blog.

Its good to continue the pizza tradition. Your whole life has changed so quickly, and yet life goes on.

C. said...

here here for pizza night!!

Anonymous said...

I'm another stranger who has read your blog, the whole thing, since finding it the other day. You've made me think about my life and my relationship with my husband in a way I never have before. Thank you for sharing your story. John sounds like a wonderful man.

Anna said...

When I have pizza, I'm going to give a silent toast to John. I think it's wonderful that you're keeping the tradition alive. Thinking of you.

Jamie said...

Tonight, I'm going to hug my Fiance just a little bit tighter. You made all the little arguments seem to kind of slam to a halt and really SEE what kind of love we have together. I hope you know that you and GH have touched me in a million ways and I don't even know you.

Thank you and God Bless.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know - my uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer nearly seven years ago, and was just declared cancer free (it had spread to his liver, stomach, intestines, etc). So there is hope. There are new treatments all the time. I'll be hoping for the best for you.

Anonymous said...

OH NO. I'm so sorry, I had just read your "about me" section had not realized that he had passed. I feel awful.

There's really nothing more that I can say.

Melany aka Supermom said...

I think it is yet another wonderful way to remember him and the things you guys loved doing together. Thinking of you

Angela said...

Thank you for sharing your husband's name, your ability to share so much of yourself is so amazing and wonderful. Rest in peace, John.

I also believe that everyday rituals and traditions are what we remember the most. We have Friday "family night" and order pizza and watch a children's movie and have popcorn and chips, it's the favorite night of the week for all of us.

serenity said...

Thank you for sharing his name with us.

Thinking of you and the twins.

xxx

Reba said...

I came over from Tertia's blog right before John died. I sat up one night and read your entire blog. You and your family have been in my thoughts ever since.
I am humbled by your strength. My mother is fighting stage 3 breast cancer. I can identify so much with your early struggles with fear and the unknown as we are there right now. You have given me so much inspiration and taught me to just live in the moment and enjoy the time we have.
I was wondering... I am an RN and know almost nothing of pancreatic CA except that is it deadly. Why is there not better screening? How did your husband get diagnosed and is there something we can do to bring attention to this? It makes me angry that by the time it is found it is too late. In this day and age I find this to be unacceptable. When you are able, I would like to have some info about how to get this more mainstream. By writing about it on your blog maybe more people can get involved.
In the meantime, I will continue to pray for you that you find some comfort in the months to come. God speed.

laura said...

I'm so glad that you are continuing on in these important traditions. It's things like this that you'll be able to pass along to the twins, with wonderful stories of their father.

And thank you for feeling like you could share that important detail about your husband -- his name. It helps me to picture him better. What does GH stand for, though? Something with Goose?

lala said...

goodbye John. You were a gorgeous husband.

Rachel said...

Thank you for sharing John's name. I like that you are carrying on the tradition, and I'm sure he was there with you in spirit. (BTW, there's a Korean tradition of eating at the graveside and setting up a table for the deceased on special occasions. I like the idea of remembering the person as you eat.)

Thinking of you.

Arwen said...

I've been a lurker for some time and I have read all of your blog... I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you and that I think you are one of the bravest, strongest people I know.

Anonymous said...

My dad died when I was 9. Carrying on traditions like these were so important to me growing up -- even though I had lost something terribly important, I still had a part of him and who he was around. Keep on with your traditions and explain them to the twins. It is one of the many ways that their father will always be with them. I am thinking of all of you.

The McMommy said...

You. Are. Amazing.

Thank you for sharing John with us.

And your babies will love Friday pizza nights. Especially when they get older and realize that Pizza on Friday's was something that their dad did with their mom.

pokettiger said...

I discovered your blog today. I've been sitting here, wishing I could find the "right" words. Life is so unfair sometimes. That you should lose your husband and your children lose their father is just so wrong. Back in 1995, my fiance, one of the great loves of my life, was killed in a car accident. It took years to grieve that loss. To lose someone who is such an intimate and important part of all your future plans and dreams is devastating. As hard as it is life does go on though and you certainly have two very important reasons to continue this journey of life. What a gift to have a part of your husband continue on in your children. Eventually I finally did find another significant other and we married in 2003. Last year I give birth to my first children, identical twin girls. My heart goes out to you and your children. Be gentle with yourself.

bg's Little Sis said...

Snick...love that you still did the pizza, glad your mom is still there...thinking of you all and keeping each of you in our prayers.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Denise said...

I just got caught up w/ your blog and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I think you are being very brave. I'm in your neck of the woods, and I hope you're enjoying the nice weather and it's lifting your spirits a bit.

Diana said...

You just amaze and inspire me.

Pantheist Mom said...

Your husband's name is my husband's name too. :-)

My husband's brother lost his life last year (at age 43) from pancreatic cancer, as did my husband's grandfather. This is how I found your blog.

I love that GH's name is "John." I love that you are doing pizza and movies in his honor.

I think of you and your twins a lot. It's an odd but beautiful world, this internet one.

Rebecca said...

You are such an inspiration. I love how you are carrying on your traditions. I am having difficulty dealing with the death of both of my grandparents this February,but you are helping me to see how I can keep them "with" me. Thank you so much.

Janice said...

Still thinking of you and the babies, and wishing you a peaceful heart. John was a fortunate man to have you for his wife.

OTRgirl said...

I love the image of pizza, a movie, and the lit candle. Definitely not the same, but a neat way to carry on the tradition.

Sam said...

Still reading, and crying for you. I'm so glad you have a forum to talk about your feelings. You will treasure these blog entries in the years to come.

haitch pee said...

just checking in to say that i'm still thinking of you and twins daily.

The Town Criers said...

This post made me bawl because we have a weekly Thursday night tradition of a dinner that is definitely grosser than pizza (and I'm too embarrassed to mention what we eat) and watching Grey's Anatomy after the twins have gone to bed. I think it's the little things like that that would make me miss him the most. I think it's wonderful that you're still eating the pizza on Fridays.