My in-laws went home today. For the most part, they were well behaved and even supportive. They were an immense help with the babies, and I was happy that they were able to truly enjoy some time with the twins rather than finding Maddie and Riley a painful reminder of GH.
They did manage to do one thing that really pissed me off before they left. Since GH got sick, I have used a Yahoo group as a way to keep far-flung friends and family informed about treatment, ups and downs, life in general. It's been so helpful to have that as a way to keep my sanity. One e-mail is much easier to send than hundreds.
Smartly, my brother-in-law decided to post a note to the Yahoo group about GH's funeral arrangements in Michigan. My in-laws have a visitation and burial planned there for the half of the ashes that they received. I'm not attending that for a number of reasons, the main one being that I don't want to go. It's too soon, and that kind of ceremony would not mean much to GH. His parents and sister and brother need that, and I respect that but I don't need to be there.
So my brother-in-law sends out this message to the group with information about the times and locations and all. Fine. Except that he a) does not mention that I won't be attending, causing a bunch of my local friends to go into a frenzy of travel planning so that they can be there to support me and b) mentions that GH will be "laid to rest" in Michigan. Um, no. Not that he needed to get into the details of the cremation and the ashes being divided and all that, but the message he sent made it sound like GH's body was going to be interred in Detroit.
This bothers me for a couple of reasons. First, if GH were really going to be buried there, I'd be at the service. Second, GH's primary wish was to be with me and the twins. His family needs to believe that his primary wish was to be with them. I get that, but felt like implying otherwise was very disrespectful to me, Maddie, and Riley. Not to mention to GH, who had made his wishes clear.
I didn't say anything as I didn't have the energy to argue. Instead, here I am, venting. I also sent a message to the Yahoo group explaining that I would not be in Michigan and that I would, in due time, have a memorial service here in Massachusetts that I hoped they could attend.
A wise commenter (there are so many!) said that my in-laws would likely not be able to respect my grief. I have found that to be true. This was the most glaring example. I'm trying to respect them and theirs, but I admit that it's hard.