Just off the phone with GH who was giving me his weekly update from the chemo trenches.
The news was not good. It was not terrible, but it was not good.
He's been on a new chemo regimen for a little while, maybe two months. He gets a weekly dose of Erbitux. It's been working pretty well, with tumor marker numbers dropping steadily if not dramatically.
Until this week.
Tumor marker numbers are up. Liver function numbers are up. He's been itchy and tired. Bah.
Why is it that something good always seems to be balanced out by something bad? I've been feeling so upbeat lately with the change in the weather, the twins making the transition to sleeping in their own cribs, cooking, running, spending time with GH in the evenings, etc. Things felt normal there for a week or two. Blissfully, wonderfully normal. We had such an awesome day with the babies yesterday, one of those perfect days where they were happy, funny, laughing, all day. I didn't want to put them to bed they were so much fun.
I know it's not the worst news we could get, but it's so incredibly emotionally draining to change treatments and watch and wait for things to get better. I'm just getting my emotional energy back after so many weeks of someone in the house being sick and after the tempestuous dealings with my mother-in-law. I want to devote this returned energy to fun times with GH and the babies. To sunny springtime walks. To day trips to the North Shore like we took this past Saturday. I don't want to spend this newfound energy on bolstering myself through the stress of a treatment change. The treatments are just a postponing of the inevitable. One of these times, things aren't going to get better, and then what?
If GH's oncologist does recommend a change in treatment plans, we're probably looking at clinical trials. GH has already been through the standard treatments--and then some--for pancreatic cancer. His elevated liver function could disqualify him for trials, as could his low platelets. We'll cross those bridges when we come to them.
I try not to live my life too far in the future. I try to stay grounded in the day-to-day. News like this makes it hard not to be ruled by the fear of what the future could bring.