Why didn't I post yesterday?
I was in a foul mood after a long, busy day at work followed by a hectic errand* on my way home followed by solo twin duty** when I finally got home.
* Had to drive to Cambridge to pick up a free crib from a woman who is a member of my moms of twins group. Yay for getting a free crib! The twins share a crib now, but will soon be too big and too mobile for that to continue, and in our inexperience/short-sightedness, we only bought one crib when we outfitted the nursery. But boo for having to drive deep into Cambridge at the start of rush hour, then navigate home.
**GH had picked the twins up from day care and fed them their dinner. But he was exhausted by the time I got home and had to retire to our bedroom to put his feet up and get some rest. His mouth sores are pretty much healed, but he's weak from not having been able to eat solid food during the mouth sore ordeal. Plus he has a lot of swelling in his legs and abdomen. The abdominal swelling creates pressure on his stomach which makes it physically hard for him to eat and also makes him prone to barfing. "Great."
Why do I lash out at my husband when I'm frustrated/sad/overwhelmed?
He's handy. I can't very well lash out at the babies. They are just babies. There's no one else close at hand.
When GH isn't doing well and when I have to pick up so much slack, I'm prone to get mad at GH. Of course, I'm not really mad at him. I'm mad at the situation and scared of what's to come. But poor GH bears the brunt of my fear and anger. I hate that. I wish I could control it better. I'm sure it would help me to go to some kind of counseling, but when? It seems nigh impossible to find a time that I could make that work.
I could go on with the whys forever. Instead, I'm going to go to bed. GH and I tried to have a date night at home tonight; we got the babies to bed just past 7:00, ordered Indian food (GH's request!), and settled in with a movie. It was great for about an hour. Then the smell of the food really started to bother GH. (He only ate naan and drank a mango lassi.) Then he ended up barfing and he's just really tired so we're calling it a night.
I'm happy to get in bed an read. That's one of life's great pleasures for me. I'm going to start The Omnivore's Dilemma. Anyone read it? Thoughts?
My parting thought for the evening: I'm really, really scared.