12 January 2007

Why?

Why didn't I post yesterday?

I was in a foul mood after a long, busy day at work followed by a hectic errand* on my way home followed by solo twin duty** when I finally got home.

* Had to drive to Cambridge to pick up a free crib from a woman who is a member of my moms of twins group. Yay for getting a free crib! The twins share a crib now, but will soon be too big and too mobile for that to continue, and in our inexperience/short-sightedness, we only bought one crib when we outfitted the nursery. But boo for having to drive deep into Cambridge at the start of rush hour, then navigate home.

**GH had picked the twins up from day care and fed them their dinner. But he was exhausted by the time I got home and had to retire to our bedroom to put his feet up and get some rest. His mouth sores are pretty much healed, but he's weak from not having been able to eat solid food during the mouth sore ordeal. Plus he has a lot of swelling in his legs and abdomen. The abdominal swelling creates pressure on his stomach which makes it physically hard for him to eat and also makes him prone to barfing. "Great."

Why do I lash out at my husband when I'm frustrated/sad/overwhelmed?

He's handy. I can't very well lash out at the babies. They are just babies. There's no one else close at hand.

When GH isn't doing well and when I have to pick up so much slack, I'm prone to get mad at GH. Of course, I'm not really mad at him. I'm mad at the situation and scared of what's to come. But poor GH bears the brunt of my fear and anger. I hate that. I wish I could control it better. I'm sure it would help me to go to some kind of counseling, but when? It seems nigh impossible to find a time that I could make that work.

I could go on with the whys forever. Instead, I'm going to go to bed. GH and I tried to have a date night at home tonight; we got the babies to bed just past 7:00, ordered Indian food (GH's request!), and settled in with a movie. It was great for about an hour. Then the smell of the food really started to bother GH. (He only ate naan and drank a mango lassi.) Then he ended up barfing and he's just really tired so we're calling it a night.

I'm happy to get in bed an read. That's one of life's great pleasures for me. I'm going to start The Omnivore's Dilemma. Anyone read it? Thoughts?

My parting thought for the evening: I'm really, really scared.

8 comments:

Leggy said...

The best parallel I can think of in my life is the way my mom drives me nuts while she's here and then I feel guilty when she leaves. Not the same exactly (although it is in part driven by fears about her health issues, which are not as imminent as GH's).
All that to say that when I read your guilt over being angry at GH, my first instinct is to think "but you are so stressed and you have so much going on and surely he knows that you really do love him. Don't be so hard on yourself." And while that's totally true, when I think about my own circumstance, I'd still have a hard time letting go of my guilt for being short with her.
Sending hugs. You are in such a hard, hard situation.

Rachel said...

First of all, hugs. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

I don't know why, but I do know that I am prone to do the same thing. When my FIL was dying and I had to take care of Bella by myself (because my husband was at FIL's side) we fought *a lot*. Of course, afterward I would feel horrible about it. Sigh. Maybe just getting on the phone with a friend would help? I don't know.

I think your instinct to curl up with a book is a good one. Sometimes a little escape can be helpful, I think.

BethGo said...

Glad to hear GH's sores are healing but the rest of it still sounds terrifying for both of you.
I wish there was something else I could say of comfort.
Just know that I am thinking of you two out here in cyberspace.
Is that weird?
It's not meant to be.
Anyway, I am glad to hear that those babies are giving you a break and sleeping finally.
You deserve some rest.

Rev Dr Mom said...

{{{{{{Snickollet}}}}}}}}}

Lisa said...

Hi, I spent all last weekend staying up late and reading all of the archives to your whole blog. I was transfixed on your story. I keep wanting to write you an email about it but everytime I thought about it I couldn't think of the right words to say that didn't make me sound whiney. I know we are not in quite the same situation, but I feel like I can identify with you on some levels. Twins, being alone with them, dealing with lots and lots of health stuff, terminal cancer (my mother had a cancer that no one lives from and she died three years ago, dealing with the possibility that your partner will no longer be there (D is not terminal but his health is very poor and he's been very close to death on several occasions, feeling resentful about doing all the work even though your husband has a good excuse, your Portland and Kansas connections, etc. etc. etc. Wow! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry (and did both). Someone with a pg even more stressful than mine! Not that that is a good thing--just weirdly comforting in a strange way. I had so many thoughts while reading, I can't even process them all! I don't know why it took me so long to get to your blog. I know you've read mine for a little while now.

Still not sure what to say, except that I really admire you and GH for the love you have for each other and how hard you work both at home and at your jobs to keep going. I have lots of trouble asking for help as well and I admire the support system you've built. I'm still majorly working on that. I think about you and your husband everyday and I pray that you have many happy days together and with your babies. If you ever need anything that I can help you with or have some extra time when you are in Portland, let me know. Really.

I think I just hijacked your post here with my babbling. Sorry! Hope I don't sound like a cyberstalker, but you've been bookmarked and I am a regular reader now. Good,wonderful thoughts for you and your whole family.

Klynn said...

Scared...scared is normal in your situation. As are many other tough emotions. Stress brings out some of the worst in us (lashing out) and that's normal, too, but don't lose sight of the wonderful love that you have, and have perpetuated in those beautiful babies.

I wish I was near you to offer a hug and some support. Take it one day at a time, and know that you have a whole army of internets thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

Christine said...

As always, Snick, I'm so sorry you have all this on your plate. I am always uplifted when I come by your blog and see how you and GH cope with an almost unbearable, uncertain, soul-crushing situation with such joie de vivre, humor and love. You are human. You're going to get angry. Be good to yourself -- you deserve it. And keep blogging. :)

Yankee, Transferred said...

Aw, Snick, love to you as always.