05 October 2006

All-Time Lows

Madeleine got up at 4:45 this morning. She would not go back to sleep. I tried every trick in my book. Bouncing on the ball, swinging, swaying, going outside (in a t-shirt and my underwear! in 50° weather!), more bouncing, singing, you name it. And guess what I discovered after 45 minutes of doing this?

Yelling doesn't work, either!

Yes, it's true. I yelled at her. "Madeleine," I shouted, "You have got to go to sleep! I am too stressed out to deal with you!"

It was an all-time low. Of course yelling doesn't work. I felt like the world's worst parent.

I started to cry. I heard Riley in the bedroom crying, too. GH was trying to console him. It's too early for the twins to eat. I've been up since 4:00 (Riley woke up briefly and needed comforting then, and I never got back to sleep before Maddie got up.) GH is consoling Maddie. Riley is hanging out in the swing.

As for me, I want to break every plate in my house. What I really want to do is go out running, but no sports bra on earth is going to contain the wrath that is my milk-laden breasts, so forget that.

The problem is not so much that the kids got up early. They are babies. They are not doing it on purpose. They just woke up. It happens.

The problem is that I can't explain to them that they need to cut me some slack because their dad's platelets were too low for chemo yesterday. And his tumor marker numbers are rising. So are his liver functions. Last week's CT scan shows that while the tumor in the pancreas is stable, the mets in the lungs and liver are larger and/or more numerous. Clearly the current treatment is no longer working.

We'll meet with the oncologist next week to discuss next steps. GH's oncologist is a miracle worker, but I know we're running out of options.

What if this is the beginning of the end? Now that would be an all-time low.


Rev Dr Mom said...


Angela said...

You are an awesome Mom, we all lose it when we are sleep deprived, stressed and upset, you are definitely not the first Mom to yell at her kids. It reminds me of an Everybody Loves Raymond episode (great show!) In one episode one of their twin boys(around 7yrs. old) refused to go to school, kids had teased him,
little boy: "I called the teacher 'Mommy'"
Dad: "Why, was the teacher yelling at you?"
cue laughtrack....

I can't even begin to imagine the stress and anxiety that you must be feeling regarding your husband's health and to also have twin newborns to care for, you are amazing and you are allowed to be vulnerable, upset and stressed. If you can, please call on friends or family to pitch in when they can even if they can only come for an hour or two, you and your husband need a break, even if it's just to take a walk around the block or veg in front of the t.v. Sending you good thoughts and praying that all is well with your husband.

Christine said...

Oh, Snick. You have SO MUCH on your plate. I think yelling is actually healthy. You're amazing, and you inspire me.

Try to keep your head up and take things one day at a time. I hope and pray and wish the test results are not what you think they are, but if they are, you want to enjoy the time you have. I will be thinking of you and GH. And of course, Maddie and Riley.

Leggy said...

Oh crap. I was hoping there would be loads more time before it got more serious (and its already pretty frickin serious). I'm hoping that GH's onc can whip another wonder cocktail that buys you more time.
In the mean time, be kind to yourself. Maddie & Riley will not be scarred for life by being scolded or being left to cry by themselves for a few minutes. I know it feels so wrong to leave a screaming child alone or to yell at them, but they are so small, they really won't remember this later on.

lct said...

Sending you love and prayers.

bg's Little Sis said...

I'm so sorry for all of it, being parents is hard enough. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

lots of love to you,

Emmie (Better Make It A Double) said...

On the yelling - BTDT. We ALL have. It's OK, it happens, it;s understandable and normal under the best of circumstances. As for the other, I am just so sorry. there really are no words, except that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you strength and peace.

luolin said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the bad medical news. I hope things improve.

weigook saram said...

Sending good thoughts/ prayers your way.

Menita said...

You are doing a great job, even if you didn't have the things hanging over your head that you do. Frankly, I don't know how you do it. I am thinking of you and your husband and hoping for more miracles.

Newbie said...

I just want to echo what others have said. I have such a clear memory of being up in the middle of the night with a child that wouldn't go to sleep, and crying/ yelling/ feeling desperate! In fact I put her down (rather harshly I must admit) in fit of overwhelming anger and went and curled in a ball in the the corner to cry. This is what I experienced with only one baby, and with a healthy partner. You have stresses and anxieties that mean that you are acting normally.

Leggy was absolutely right when she said that the babies won't remember a moment like this one, and that they aren't scarred for life. Babies are incredibly resilient and at Maddie's young age working on instinct. Give yourself a break - and don't beat yourself up. Like you I am not an advocate of letting them CIO, but if it is what YOU need then you should do it.

I don't know you except through this blog, but wish that I could offer you some support by being there and taking the babies from you so that you can have a break. Instead all I can say is that you and your family are in my thoughts and I hope that the oncologist comes up with a miracle.

Yankee, Transferred said...

How is it possible that I missed this for three days???
I'm so sorry to hear this, Snick.
You and the kids and GH are in my heart now, and always.

Dorcasina said...

Sending good and healing thoughts; GH has responded so amazingly to this point, and I am praying that there are still many, many miracles left for all of you.

And those babies are sooooooo gorgeous. It is obvious you are doing a great job--and it's okay for them to know, even at an early age, that their mom has bad days, too. My daughter is amazingly perceptive and loving on my "bad days"--and forgiving when, inevitably, they get taken out (at least a bit) on her.

I'm having a hard time keeping up on my blogging, but know that you and your family are always in my heart--

soralis said...

There will be days... I can't even imagine how you are manging twins and your husbands illness.

Big hug