17 July 2006

Pendulum Shift

You get a good day, then a bad day. That seems to be the way it goes.

It's 3:23am. You can guess what kind of day yesterday (moving right on into today . . . ) was. Today is. Whatever.

It's been hot where I live. Madeleine appears to hate the heat. She shows this by crying. She cried all. Day. Long. I'm not exaggerating when I say that during the day yesterday, she slept for about three hours. That's not much for a newborn. When she was not sleeping or nursing, he was crying. I walked with her, sang to her, rocked her, fed her, you name it. We tried the swing, taking a drive, taking a walk. Nothing worked.

Thank goodness Riley is a trooper and was calm all day. Of course, now he's wide awake at 3:00am, but at least he doesn't scream when he's wide awake.

It's so hard. I'm exhausted and cranky. I take the crankies out on GH, which isn't fair.

To add insult to injury, my mom left yesterday. Less help now, and her departure was an additional emotional blow for me.

Today was the first time I seriously thought, "I don't think I can do this." In my heart, I know I can. Hell, I don't have a choice. But I feel fragile and exposed and scared and rough around the edges. Mostly I feel scared. Wait, no. Mostly I feel tired. Then scared.


Leggy said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry its so hard. The Cutie Pie was a tough baby- colicky for 4 months straight and nothing short of the boob or a bottle or moving constantly with him in the baby bjorn helped much. I hear you on the exhaustion and I imagine it must be magnified 1000 times by having two plus having GH sick as well. Not much I can offer except a "yeah, you will get through this" and a virtual hug.

Anonymous said...

I'm generally just a big lurker, but this post just made me want to get on a plane to come help! Then you'd be tired, scared, and severely creeped-out by this stranger on your doorstep! I'm thinking of you guys and hoping that the pendulum shifts back quickly for you. You're right--you CAN do this.


OTRgirl said...

I would imagine that your Mom leaving would feel like the loss of someone to lean on. Obviously you and GH can lean on each other a bit, but there's something comforting about leaning on someone who's already survived the process.

Just from one babysitting incident with a crying baby (turned out he had an ear infection) I know how totally overwelming and incapacitating a crying infant is. You must be exhausted and freaked out. As noted by leggy and Norah, you'll survive, but I'm sure its hard to trust that at the moment!

weigook saram said...

I wish I could help you. Is there anyone else there who can relieve you for an hour or two? The crying can be so overwhelming sometimes. I used to just nurse or carry K around in the Bjorn when she wouldn't stop crying, but of course with two that's a lot harder. Other tricks: swaddling in a very light blanket (you can strip her down to her diaper if it's hot), swaying back and forth, white noise, singing...

If all else fails, just put her in a safe place and step outside for a few minutes to catch your breath.

The three-to-six week period is the hardest, in my opinion. Hugs. You can do it.

soralis said...

I am sorry you are having some bad days... you can do it (you are already see) and it does get better. One of my guys had colic so I know how frustrating the cry can be.

I can't imagine being in your shoes and having a sick hubby though... It's busy enough with twins.

Take care

bg's Little Sis said...

Thinking of you, wishing you well. I know what it's like to have one with colic and sick, but not with twins, so kudos to you, you're doing it!

I found it was the exhaustion that got me most, being that tired has only one cure, sleep. Take any help you can get for that. You'll feel like a better mommy. Things will improve.

Yankee T said...

Aw, now I feel even worse about missing our meet-up! Here's a suggestion for Maddie: Take her in a cool tub with you. Hold her on you, and both of you cool off. You need serious relief there. I'm sorry and I understand. Hang in there and ask friends to help out...people want to help, they just don't know how.
Thinking of you.

Dorcasina said...

I know that feeling. I hope it will soon pass, and that both your sweet babies will be comfortable and calm again. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I still have several times each month where I sit on the floor and think, "I can't do this." And I cry, and then I pick myself up off the floor, and remember how much I love my daughter. I, too, remember how it feels each time my mother leaves and it's all on me.
This motherhood is a hard and scary business sometimes--and you are 14 months ahead of me!

Sending all of you tranquility.

edgeofnormal said...

The tub suggestion is a great one.

I wish I were near you (I have no idea where you are, but I'm near Philadelphia). I totally went through this with my twins, and it was horrible. I cried to my mother once, who was SO not helpful and told me it was my fault for adopting twins. Yeah, that's helpful.

You are SO allowed to feel crabby and ugly and hateful. And when you feel that way, call someone to come help you. I'm sure you have friends who are parents and they will all understand. I thought I was a bad mom and didn't tell anyone. I recently found out all of the stories no one told me because they didn't want to frighten me. It would have made me feel so much better!

Be kind to yourself. It will be ok.