Last night was tough. It was hot. We needed to get some stuff done around the house but we really wanted to relax. Something GH had ordered in the mail arrived, but it was defective. We broke a piece of glass when we were framing something for the twins' room (no one was hurt).
Nothing major, but lots of little things didn't seem to go quite right.
Then GH noticed that his right arm, the one that his IV was placed in last week, looked weird. His veins were all dark, like bruises spiderwebbing up his arm. Nothing hurt, nothing felt raised or bumpy, but it sure looked strange. And of course it's 11:00 at night. He had his oncologist paged and she called right back; she seems to think it's some discoloration from one of the drugs he takes. She told him to try not to worry and to call back if it started to hurt or spread a lot further or became raised and bumpy. The discoloration is still there this morning, but no worse.
Anytime we have to call the oncologist at night, it gets the adrenaline pumping. So of course after that neither of us was sleepy, even though both of us were tired. I was packing GH's lunch and thinking about the babies and started to FREAK OUT. Well, OK, so mostly I just started to feel overwhelmed and overtired and that made me cry. I was thinking about GH and his illness, thinking about how I know nothing about taking care of babies, thinking about how I don't know how I'll handle the exhaustion that's headed my way. Suddenly it really hit me how close all of this is. In 48 hours, I'll be wheeled in for surgery. Ohmygosh.
I feel a little better this morning, but still pretty overwhelmed. I'm sure all parents-to-be feel this way. I also know that the unknown is much harder to deal with than the known. Once the babies are here, we will make things work because we'll have to. There will be good days and bad, but I know we'll be fine. The anticipation is just starting to really get me.
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6 comments:
You can do it. I remember having some of those same feelings. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to take care of a newborn. But somehow she survived. ;)
And yes, don't be afraid to accept any offers of help.
I think panic is normal. And you will absolutely be fine, although those first few weeks are challenging. Give yourself permission to ignore everything but yourself, GH, and the babies (like dirty dishes) and accept help.
I missed the recommendation question below so I wanted to answer it here. We started watching television series through Netflix when my son was a newborn. It IS a good way to pass breastfeeding time.
Favorites:
Farscape (SciFi but enjoyable)
Sopranos
DEADWOOD!
The Office (British & American)
Firefly (too short, alas)
I'll second Battlestar Galactica
Coupling (British)
Um, I'll try to think of more later.
I am thinking about you guys this week. Very excited for you.
Snick, you would not be a human being if you were not freaking out right now -- even if your husband didn't have terminal cancer. You have a lot of change and upheaval going on now, and it's going to just continue. You will be OK. Keep venting here.
Of course you are overhwelmed! You have so much to deal with at the same time.
I agree with Kirsten about syaing yes to every single offer of help. You will be all right. Yes.
This is one of the times I really dislike long-distance friendship. Nothing I can say will help as much as someone stopping by to mop the floor and leave you a pre-cooked dinner.
Oh I wish I had seen this sooner. You will do it, and do it fine, I know you will. You have so much on your plate aside from the impending birth of TWO babies, it's natural for you to freak.
If you read this before you go, know that I am thinking of you.
With great confidence.
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