Maddie's not the only one with adjustment issues these days. I'm having issues myself.
I hesitate to blog about work because, well, duh, it's dumb to blog about work. Some of my coworkers occasionally read my blog, what I write is intended for public consumption, and I'm not anonymous, so caution is warranted. But I can say this much about work without it being too much: for the past month or so, work has been totally kicking my ASS. I've made a ton of dumb errors (and been called out on them by people as high up as the president of the college. Niiiiice.) I manage seven people, morale in the office is low, and I have not done a good job of helping to bring morale up. I haven't felt good at what I do in quite a while. I wake up at night and think about work, then when I'm actually at work, I'm distracted and distractable. It's just been hard.
I'm not a person who ties a whole lot up into my professional identity. That is to say, I don't feel like I define my success and worth through my job. That said, I spend 40 hours a week at work and it's wearing to feel like I'm spending that much of my time doing things poorly. Especially when I go home and deal with the fallout of adjustment to kindergarten and such.
Boo hoo blah blah. Instead of whining about it, I should be working on fixing it, right? Alas, my recent work-related mishaps are for the most part not a result of slacking off but rather a result of well, I'm not sure what. I'll think I've done a good job on something only to have mistakes pointed out to me by all kinds of people. I'll think I'm on top of something and then find out that I've overlooked something major.
Where is my brain, then? How can I get my head back in work? How can I do a better job of being empathetic to those I manage to help them to feel better about their work? How can I do all that and have empathy left for my children?
As Maddie and Riley get older (and their lives get more complex) and as my career grows longer in the tooth (and thus also more complex), I feel the squeeze of work/life balance more and more. Some might find that invigorating; I find it stressful, exhausting, and untenable. I think my recent mistakes at work are the result of simply not having the capacity to do all that I'm supposed to do. When forced to choose—work or family?—family wins, and work, which has needed a lot of attention of late, has not gotten all it needs.
There's no easy answer here. I'm doing the best that I can, just feeling frustrated and as though my best is falling short of the mark. We just wrapped up a big event at work, and this week is thus far all about figuring out just how many things got lost in the shuffle of event prep. With any luck, things will even out here on the work front in a couple of weeks, and on the school front, too. I've learned a lot about patience, at least as applies to situations, but patience with myself is a different matter entirely and getting practice in that area is just not very much fun.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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16 comments:
I can totally relate here. I just can't seem to figure out the doing a great job at work and doing a great job at home. I don't know how to fix it either and don't see things changing in the future but omly getting harder as our youngest gets older. Hang in there! At least you know that you're not alone.
I'm sorry. I know that feeling and I hate it, too. Do you have anyone to talk to so that you can bounce ideas, thoughts or feelings? A friend or therapist? I'm all about maintining, so every now and again, I call up my therapist and get readjusted. Just a thought. Hope things get better for you soon.
It sounds to me like maybe you've got the wrong job for this stage in life. Can you look around a little, see if there is something else that would come more naturally and require less of you?
I don't feel like I'm doing work or home particularly well either. And I've got only one kid and a partner to help. I think it's just the way for a working mom. Boo.
It was, of course, totally wrong of me, but I had to laugh when I read your first line. So true in my world, too. Why must we go through the same growing pains again and again?!
Morale is a tough one when you are the manager. You need to fix it, but you cannot fix it alone. You need your people to meet you halfway. I have, when in that position, approached it in a very straightforward way. A meeting where I say, look! Morale is low! What can I do to help? What can you do to help? If another department came to us and said Please fix us, what would we suggest?
(You probably know all this. You are smart.)
Sometimes just dragging the problem out in the sun and giving it a good shake can help set things on the right path.
I don't have advice really, just experience. I found parenting and working kicked my ass until my son turned 4.5, and then he was more independent and I got some brain back. Then I had another baby (!) but this time I seem to be retaining a bit more of me. I think some of it was residual grief-fog (from the loss of my first child) combined with the stress of starting up my life again after that experience, plus - well - parenting. Did I mention parenting kills brain cells?
I think you have dealt with A LOT in the last 5-6 years. I think some of that will have soaked up some capacity. Your remaining capacity is enough, but you are probably used to working with more. I fully believe that will come back online. This is hard right now, but you WILL find your way and it will be okay. Hang in there.
Great post. I can totally relate--I am widowed and have raised my two children alone for the last 5 years. They are teenagers now. The work/family balance is hard. Just when I think I have one side under control, something pops up on the other, needing immediate attention. It's like playing whack-a-mole, though with a whole lot more at stake than winning a stuffed animal. I have thought that it would get easier as the kids got older, and some of the parenting has. But other parts are harder. I am reminded of what one of my friends told me when she left her job to stay at home full-time: "When I worked, I always felt like I was doing two jobs badly. Now that I stay home, I feel like I'm only doing one badly!"
My friend always asks how do I do it all... I always say not well. My kids eat a lot of hot dogs and nutella sandwiches, my house is messy, I yell too much, I mow the lawn only when absolutely necessary and I have a lot of clean unfolded laundry. It isn't the life I totally wanted but it is ok. I figure they won't be little forever.
And maybe, some of it is you're just being hard on yourself?
Such a life has to wear on a perfectionist, and maybe life for you right now will only accommodate "good enough"
Hey Snick,
I can feel your frustration. I know that feeling of thinking you've managed something decently, even with a bit of panache, only to be told you were off the mark. It's disorienting in a fundamental way.
I offer you this column if you haven't already read it: http://therumpus.net/sections/dear-sugar/
Read any entry. She can hone in on a person's real struggle with chilling accuracy. She writes like a superhuman. She is just amazing. I sound like a religious follower, I know. It's just that good.
Best of luck to you.
It's hard to carve out enough time for work when you have a family, but it's even more important to be spending your work time wisely. From the little you've said here, I wonder if maybe you need to readjust your focus at work Some assvice: I wonder if a coach might help? Kind of like a therapist, but for work. They are expensive, but I have a colleague who is completing a course to become a coach, and they are required to do a non-paid "internship." I wonder if there's anything like that at your university? Meetings are usually short and over the phone.
Some unsolicited ass-vice - do you know about "Getting Things Done" (the book and productivity strategy?) I don't really have a job that requires much of me in the "staying organized" sense, but GTD is a strategy that fancy people use for their complicated jobs, apparently with great success. And it's totally designed with the idea of getting all the junk out of your brain and into more fool proof systems. The idea is that doing so will free up brain space for things like enjoying your life, sleeping well, and thinking clearly about the things you need to be thinking about.
It might be helpful. And it'll only set you back a few bucks on half.com. (Similar idea to getting a job coach, I think, but much much cheaper.)
I feel your frustration and have totally been there. The only thing that ever, ever helps me is to continually remind myself to be mentally present wherever I am physically present -- a lot of times when I'm in that mode it's because I am thinking about home stuff while I'm at work, and vice versa. Best wishes as you try and sort it out.
Shelley
It's probably a lot of things, including a perfectionist's tendency to be a bit hard on one's self -- to which I can totally relate.
I also wonder if there might not also be some kind of burnout or even delayed PTSD situation going on? This sounds a lot like me this June, when I was definitely having some PTSD issues.
Just my $0.02, but, I think a lot of times it can be fair to look at a work situation and say, "Gee. Things are falling through the cracks that used be be caught. Am I being asked to do too much? Do I have more responsibilities without a corresponding increase in my authority to delegate or hold others accountable?"
All this "Work smarter not harder" crap is fine up too a point, until it is just, "Work more, work faster and stop complaining about it!" Which is not an effective management strategy. As a 1st level manger, you get squeezed more than anyone in the organization--you are accountable to those below you AND those above you.
I don't know a lot about your work beyond what you've written here, but is your supervisor of any help? Sounds like you need someone with some authority to help you come up with a plan to fix the situation.
Beating yourself up should NOT be the only option!
XXX
boy do I hear this...
I'm not sure how to find a decent balance either...nor am I sure there actually is such a thing.
family always comes first for me too - hands down...
that's the reason I'm still in a dead end going no where job...
because it does, for the most part, allow me to put them first...
someday...someday there'll be time for me...I hope.
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