I feel like I should have a post, but I'm not sure I do. Life's been busy enough for a post, but it's pretty much the same stuff it was a week ago, all still in the same limbo it was before. I do think we've found an au pair; I had a couple of great calls with a woman in Bolivia, and then the kids and I Skyped with her over the weekend and we agreed to be "matched," but since then I've not heard a word from her about what her preferred arrival date is, so I'm getting nervous. I need that lucky childcare star to keep shining, please.*
One of the blogs I follow is Sam's. Her mother and older brother died in the 9/11 attacks, leaving her and her two younger sisters. Her posts about grief often ring incredibly true for me. Sam's doing a 30-day themed writing exercise, and day one was to write about something you hate within yourself. She mentioned her rage. That sure struck a chord. Sam didn't tie her rage back to her grief, and for her, it might not be as grief-tethered as it is for me. But still, the loathing of that aspect of personality hit a raw nerve as I struggle mightily with that myself.
At church on Sunday the service was devoted to the practice of loving kindness meditation. Loving kindness is designed to clear negative thoughts towards others out of the mind, to focus on love and compassion instead. In the Buddhist practice, you start with directing loving kindness toward yourself, the idea being that feeling compassion for the self is the easiest place to begin. Ha ha ha ha ha. The minister recognized that Americans tend to have a very difficult time being kind to ourselves and let us begin by focusing on someone we love, then someone to whom we feel neutral. We skipped focusing on someone toward whom we feel hostile; that is a task for us to work out on our own. Instead, we ended by focusing on ourselves, on choosing an aspect of self that we have trouble loving and accepting. For me, it was anger, making it all the more striking to read Sam's post yesterday.
The loving kindness practice was moving for me and has been much on my mind since Sunday. It's inspired me not so much to treat myself with more kindness, but to treat Maddie and Riley with more kindness. I haven't been such a nice mom in the past few weeks. It's easy to blame that on the stresses in our lives and at my work right now, but that doesn't excuse my behavior or make me proud of it. Sunday was really healing for me, and has had a positive impact on our lives in just a few short days. I've gone back to one of the few parenting books I like and have been using some of its strategies to manage behavior and focus on finding compromise solutions rather than turning everything into a win/lose scenario. For any of you who have read/enjoyed this book, were you as taken as I was by the motto "We are a problem-solving family!"? I must have said that ten times today, and wouldn't you know it, it worked. It got us through a few tough moments cooperatively.
I'm hoping to keep at least some of the Zen. I went for a run today during lunch for the first time in a week and a half; work is getting back to a state where I should once again be able to do that more regularly, and that is sure to help. I'm eating relatively well, if too copiously. I'm certainly getting enough sleep. The stress is exhausting me and I'm often asleep by 9:30 p.m. these days. I like the love rather than the hate, the peace rather than the anger, the flexibility rather than the rigidness. I keep it, thanks.
*Heard from her today! She is scheduled to arrive in the U.S. on November 1. Hooray!
28 September 2010
21 September 2010
Fall, the library
The nanny called in sick today. For about a half a nanosecond, I thought about trying to get my mom to come watch this kids this morning, then I thought better of it and put my pajamas back on.
I had told Maddie and Riley that we could go to the donut shop this morning; my intention was to take some treats to work to ease the blow of a first-thing-in-the-morning meeting, plus I'm always looking for an excuse to go on a pre-work bike ride. Even though the "need" to bring treats to work had been obviated, we still hopped on the bike—in our pajamas (yoga pants and sweatshirt for me, the out-in-public acceptable version of pajamas)—and got our donuts. Then we came home and put on real clothes and went to the library.
Our closest branch library didn't open 'til noon today, so we drove to a larger outpost and arrived five or so minutes before it opened. Lots of parents, mostly moms, were milling around outside, the bulk of them with little ones who were pre-talkers, emerging walkers, diaper-wearing, dyed-in-the-wool toddlers. I was struck by how old Maddie and Riley were in comparison, so tall, so lean. Our time-killing conversation was about the poster near the library door with information about a teen runaway, light-years away from the meanderings and declarations of "Oops!" from the younger crowd.
Leaves are starting to fall from the trees, and the morning was cool. The smell of the crushed foliage brought me right back to New England. Fall in New England is as glorious as any glossy tourist brochure would have you believe. The slant of the light, the crispness of the air: I don't think I'd felt such a longing for Boston in the year since we'd left as I did in those few minutes in front of the library this morning. I have no doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be, but when one lives a nomadic life in one's twenties, and when one is blessed (a word I tend not to use, but in this case is entirely appropriate) enough to have a large circle of friends spread all around the globe, there is simply no way to be everywhere one wants to be in any one given moment.
And so in those moments this morning, I wanted to be in Boston, to walk the Minuteman trail with my New England friends, to smell the leaves that are the very definition of autumn. I watched the mothers outside the library today soothe their cranky babies, harkening back to that age with Maddie and Riley, to my need to be out of the house and on some kind of schedule, to my tenuous, coffee-fueled grasp on wakefulness. We are a world away from those days, physically and emotionally. I don't miss those days, but I fiercely miss the people who got me through those days. I want to share with them our life now, not through words, but in person. I want them to see what our life has become, to look forward with us to what we might discover. I want to be in two places at the same time.
I had told Maddie and Riley that we could go to the donut shop this morning; my intention was to take some treats to work to ease the blow of a first-thing-in-the-morning meeting, plus I'm always looking for an excuse to go on a pre-work bike ride. Even though the "need" to bring treats to work had been obviated, we still hopped on the bike—in our pajamas (yoga pants and sweatshirt for me, the out-in-public acceptable version of pajamas)—and got our donuts. Then we came home and put on real clothes and went to the library.
Our closest branch library didn't open 'til noon today, so we drove to a larger outpost and arrived five or so minutes before it opened. Lots of parents, mostly moms, were milling around outside, the bulk of them with little ones who were pre-talkers, emerging walkers, diaper-wearing, dyed-in-the-wool toddlers. I was struck by how old Maddie and Riley were in comparison, so tall, so lean. Our time-killing conversation was about the poster near the library door with information about a teen runaway, light-years away from the meanderings and declarations of "Oops!" from the younger crowd.
Leaves are starting to fall from the trees, and the morning was cool. The smell of the crushed foliage brought me right back to New England. Fall in New England is as glorious as any glossy tourist brochure would have you believe. The slant of the light, the crispness of the air: I don't think I'd felt such a longing for Boston in the year since we'd left as I did in those few minutes in front of the library this morning. I have no doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be, but when one lives a nomadic life in one's twenties, and when one is blessed (a word I tend not to use, but in this case is entirely appropriate) enough to have a large circle of friends spread all around the globe, there is simply no way to be everywhere one wants to be in any one given moment.
And so in those moments this morning, I wanted to be in Boston, to walk the Minuteman trail with my New England friends, to smell the leaves that are the very definition of autumn. I watched the mothers outside the library today soothe their cranky babies, harkening back to that age with Maddie and Riley, to my need to be out of the house and on some kind of schedule, to my tenuous, coffee-fueled grasp on wakefulness. We are a world away from those days, physically and emotionally. I don't miss those days, but I fiercely miss the people who got me through those days. I want to share with them our life now, not through words, but in person. I want them to see what our life has become, to look forward with us to what we might discover. I want to be in two places at the same time.
20 September 2010
valley, peak
Usually when I log on to Blogger, I have a plan. Most of the time, I have an outline in my head of what I'm going to say. Often, that plan gets derailed in the writing, but at least I have an idea of where I'm going to begin.
Today, I'm without a plan.
I find myself with so many things I could say, but none of them are in and of themselves very interesting and no theme ties them together but The Slog of Life. Really, what of these topics is compelling to anyone, even me, the person living it all?
Work: A Shitstorm
Au Pair Search: Ongoing, with Steady Progress
New Preschool: A Study in Getting Information out of Youth
New Nanny: Two Thumbs Up
Personal Life: Comes, Goes
Lots going on, nothing going on that incites me to write or is likely to incite people to read.
And yet, here I am because I miss the writing, and because the cumulative effect of all of these things is having a negative impact on me. This patch is rough. The sudden change of the school and nanny situation is stressful, as I wrote about incoherently in my last post. While school does seem to be mostly positive, it's still a change and the difficulties with the transition are playing out in various ways; Riley is on a hunger strike, Maddie is even more emotionally volatile than usual, and that's saying something. As for me, I'm gaining weight due to a lack of time to exercise at work and a propensity for stuffing anything I see that looks even vaguely edible into my mouth.
Good times, noodle salad.
Regarding the personal life, I've been kind of dating someone, but haven't posted about it here because there's not much to say. I like him. He likes me. Between the fact that he has a seriously high-stress job and I just have a seriously busy life, we see each other once every two weeks or so, and have been doing so for a couple of months now. We try to see each other more, but it rarely works out. After we see each other, I'll spend a week or so missing him, in a nice way, not an obsessive way, then I'll start to wonder if it's all worth it, then we'll see each other and I'll think, "Yes, it's worth it." He's younger than me by six years. He's divorced, from an arranged marriage. He sends me a good morning text every day, and he's cooked me dinner. He hasn't met the kids, but he always asks about them. He's respectful and kind. My past relationships have tended more towards the zero to sixty in two dates variety, so this is a nice change. We're both quite clear on the fact that we enjoy each others' company but don't have the time or emotional space to force things to move any faster than they are, and so we plod along and it's quite sweet. I have no good nickname for him. Yet.
In other "exciting" news, I'm up for Worst Mother of the Year because it would appear that my son has at least two rotten teeth. We have good dental hygiene around these parts: I brush my teeth at least three times a day and sometimes more (in college my dentist told me to cut back on the tooth brushing because I was wearing away my enamel!) and the the kids' teeth get brushed by themselves and me at least once a day. As I was brushing about a week ago, I noticed something . . . not quite right about one of Riley's molars, and upon further examination with a flashlight, yeah, well, he's got a couple of teeth that clearly have large black areas on them and a couple of more with black spots. We were at the dentist in March; I'm not sure how things went this far south so quickly, but we'll see what they say on Monday when we go in for a checkup.
I have a friend who has just undergone a transformation, a life-changing experience of epic magnitude. Another friend is astounded by the beauty that is her life, a joy beyond anything she could have imagined. I'm not jealous of either of them, or of my many friends who have settled into a contentment of family stability, career success, stability and a certain ease. Jealous, no. I feel like I'm going to get there, too, but I have this longer, more convoluted path to take, and right now I'm in the thick of some of the logistics. Jealous, no. Unhappy, no. In the weeds, yes. Working out the logistics, for sure. I'm in a valley, for the moment. But I see the peak, and I'm starting to climb.
Today, I'm without a plan.
I find myself with so many things I could say, but none of them are in and of themselves very interesting and no theme ties them together but The Slog of Life. Really, what of these topics is compelling to anyone, even me, the person living it all?
Work: A Shitstorm
Au Pair Search: Ongoing, with Steady Progress
New Preschool: A Study in Getting Information out of Youth
New Nanny: Two Thumbs Up
Personal Life: Comes, Goes
Lots going on, nothing going on that incites me to write or is likely to incite people to read.
And yet, here I am because I miss the writing, and because the cumulative effect of all of these things is having a negative impact on me. This patch is rough. The sudden change of the school and nanny situation is stressful, as I wrote about incoherently in my last post. While school does seem to be mostly positive, it's still a change and the difficulties with the transition are playing out in various ways; Riley is on a hunger strike, Maddie is even more emotionally volatile than usual, and that's saying something. As for me, I'm gaining weight due to a lack of time to exercise at work and a propensity for stuffing anything I see that looks even vaguely edible into my mouth.
Good times, noodle salad.
Regarding the personal life, I've been kind of dating someone, but haven't posted about it here because there's not much to say. I like him. He likes me. Between the fact that he has a seriously high-stress job and I just have a seriously busy life, we see each other once every two weeks or so, and have been doing so for a couple of months now. We try to see each other more, but it rarely works out. After we see each other, I'll spend a week or so missing him, in a nice way, not an obsessive way, then I'll start to wonder if it's all worth it, then we'll see each other and I'll think, "Yes, it's worth it." He's younger than me by six years. He's divorced, from an arranged marriage. He sends me a good morning text every day, and he's cooked me dinner. He hasn't met the kids, but he always asks about them. He's respectful and kind. My past relationships have tended more towards the zero to sixty in two dates variety, so this is a nice change. We're both quite clear on the fact that we enjoy each others' company but don't have the time or emotional space to force things to move any faster than they are, and so we plod along and it's quite sweet. I have no good nickname for him. Yet.
In other "exciting" news, I'm up for Worst Mother of the Year because it would appear that my son has at least two rotten teeth. We have good dental hygiene around these parts: I brush my teeth at least three times a day and sometimes more (in college my dentist told me to cut back on the tooth brushing because I was wearing away my enamel!) and the the kids' teeth get brushed by themselves and me at least once a day. As I was brushing about a week ago, I noticed something . . . not quite right about one of Riley's molars, and upon further examination with a flashlight, yeah, well, he's got a couple of teeth that clearly have large black areas on them and a couple of more with black spots. We were at the dentist in March; I'm not sure how things went this far south so quickly, but we'll see what they say on Monday when we go in for a checkup.
I have a friend who has just undergone a transformation, a life-changing experience of epic magnitude. Another friend is astounded by the beauty that is her life, a joy beyond anything she could have imagined. I'm not jealous of either of them, or of my many friends who have settled into a contentment of family stability, career success, stability and a certain ease. Jealous, no. I feel like I'm going to get there, too, but I have this longer, more convoluted path to take, and right now I'm in the thick of some of the logistics. Jealous, no. Unhappy, no. In the weeds, yes. Working out the logistics, for sure. I'm in a valley, for the moment. But I see the peak, and I'm starting to climb.
13 September 2010
Preschool, the Public, Day 1
The nanny arrived promptly at 8 a.m. Before 8:30, she, Maddie, and Riley were headed to the park down the street. They didn't return until close to 10 a.m. She is kind and sweet and I think she'll be great.
We all walked to school together. On the way, we ran into a friend of Maddie and Riley's from their former preschool with his parents. The kid was wearing a tie. It was adorable.
At preschool dropoff, Maddie and Riley walked in like they owned the place. This Spanish immersion is serious business, much more so than at the kids' former place of education. I need to ramp up my Spanish language skillz.
My amazing friends who are kind enough to be taking care of M&R after school until I find an au pair were kind enough to post a pic on Facebook of after-school glee. Everyone looks to have had a good day.
Not at all surprisingly, both kids FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when I picked them up from their friends' house. Yeah. Uh-huh. We made it home, then made it through dinner and stories and then they were off to bed with little dark circles under their eyes. In bed at 7:25 p.m., asleep at 7:26 p.m.!
Then it was time for me to breathe a sigh of relief, prep lunches for the next day, dinner for the next night, eat leftovers for dinner, pour a glass of wine. We'll get through this. We've gotten through so much, and more is to come. Such is life. It's funny though—funny-strange, that is—how this unexpected significant change feels more emotionally fraught to me than the instance of John's death. I saw John's death coming, and I was somewhat prepared for it. Yes, the life-changing instance of losing a spouse was devastating, but it was the aftershocks that were harder, that continue to be harder, than the actual event itself. It's the reverse now, the shock of the upheaval, that I'm having a hard time with; hopefully the reverberations will be soothing rather than a jarring reminder of the initial event. I don't mean to overdramatize the emotions around shifts in school and childcare, but I've been surprised at how visceral it's all felt to me. Sudden change and anything that has a visible effect on the psyche of one's children is tough stuff. But day one is down, and day one was about as good as I could have hoped. May day one be predictive.
We all walked to school together. On the way, we ran into a friend of Maddie and Riley's from their former preschool with his parents. The kid was wearing a tie. It was adorable.
At preschool dropoff, Maddie and Riley walked in like they owned the place. This Spanish immersion is serious business, much more so than at the kids' former place of education. I need to ramp up my Spanish language skillz.
My amazing friends who are kind enough to be taking care of M&R after school until I find an au pair were kind enough to post a pic on Facebook of after-school glee. Everyone looks to have had a good day.
Not at all surprisingly, both kids FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when I picked them up from their friends' house. Yeah. Uh-huh. We made it home, then made it through dinner and stories and then they were off to bed with little dark circles under their eyes. In bed at 7:25 p.m., asleep at 7:26 p.m.!
Then it was time for me to breathe a sigh of relief, prep lunches for the next day, dinner for the next night, eat leftovers for dinner, pour a glass of wine. We'll get through this. We've gotten through so much, and more is to come. Such is life. It's funny though—funny-strange, that is—how this unexpected significant change feels more emotionally fraught to me than the instance of John's death. I saw John's death coming, and I was somewhat prepared for it. Yes, the life-changing instance of losing a spouse was devastating, but it was the aftershocks that were harder, that continue to be harder, than the actual event itself. It's the reverse now, the shock of the upheaval, that I'm having a hard time with; hopefully the reverberations will be soothing rather than a jarring reminder of the initial event. I don't mean to overdramatize the emotions around shifts in school and childcare, but I've been surprised at how visceral it's all felt to me. Sudden change and anything that has a visible effect on the psyche of one's children is tough stuff. But day one is down, and day one was about as good as I could have hoped. May day one be predictive.
10 September 2010
Transitions
First of all, a big thank you to the internet. The nanny situation is on the cusp of being resolved, and for that I am grateful in no small part to the computer.
Nanny situation aside, there's so much going on right now that I don't even know where to begin.
The twins and I went to Kansas! How's that for a place to start! We were out there for five days, in Kansas City (well, we stayed in Leawood) to see my mom's side of the family. My cousins and their kids had not met Maddie and Riley, and while I'm sorry that it took four years for that to happen, I think it ended up taking place at the ideal age for M&R. We had a great trip. It was wonderful for me to reconnect with my aunts, uncles, and cousins and after not having traveled by plane for almost a year, it was a revelation to discover how much better Four travels than Three. Two thumbs up to the heartland!
Upon return, life descended into chaos. I found out that Maddie and Riley had been awarded spots in the public school Spanish immersion PreK program that is literally across the street from our house, which is by all measures awesome except for one very important measure: logistics. The twins' current private program is a morning program; the public school option is afternoon. I had been looking for an afternoon nanny; all of a sudden, I needed a morning nanny. Oh, and yeah, "afternoon" means noon 'til 3 p.m. So I also needed someone in the afternoon, just a small part of it, until I get home at 5:30 p.m. Oh, and yeah, the public school is, of course, free, but guess how much the private school is keeping for pulling the kids at the last minute? Yes, a month's worth of tuition we paid as a deposit plus the already-paid September tuition. Which is a lot of money. And I understand why. But. Still. It's a lot of money! ANNOYING!
Cry me a river, blah, blah, I KNOW.
I've had a week to revise my nanny search to a morning job, lean on the kindness of friends to take care of the twins between when PreK lets out and when I get of work, and, most exciting of all, apply to become a host family for an au pair! Yes, color me Even More Bourgeoise Than Previously Thought Possible, we're going to have live-in help! Turns out that the live-in help is less expensive than private preschool + afternoon nanny, so voilà! I feel so, uh, I don't really know. Spoiled? That's not it, exactly. I just know that in eight weeks or so, we'll welcome a live-in nanny to our home for a year and that she'll work 45 hours/week for us and OMG I'm not even sure what to do with that much child care but I think I'll figure it out. ULTIMATELY GREAT BUT CURRENTLY FRUSTRATING!
Meanwhile, my home computer has decided to die. Or at least suffer from a serious illness. I'm not sure yet. But something dire is happening, and I'm posting this from a work laptop. POORLY TIMED, COMPUTER (as if you had any control over the situation, inanimate as you are)!
And speaking of work, all hell has broken loose! Massive amounts of projects! Personnel issues! Apathy due to all the crap going on in my personal life! GLORIOUS!
For those of you thinking, "Childcare woes + a dead home computer are not enough to qualify as a personal crisis," let me assure you that I have the same Buck Up Already kind of attitude. But wait: there's more. Only I can't say much because I feel uncomfortable blogging about Family Crap. But there you have it: there's Family Crap, capital letters much deserved. Remember that conversation I had with a friend not too long ago about how it's not all about me? Yeah. I got to have that conversation again. With someone in my family. Only this time, it didn't feel cathartic or purposeful. It felt yucky and unresolved and messy and accusatory and one-sided. I'm still not sure where things stand. The family member involved seems to believe that I'm self-centered, without morals, and unworthy of trust. I'd be cavalier about this, but it's been a blow, and I'm hurt and angry with the anger winning most of the time. AWESOME!
I have been going to bed at 9 p.m. most nights, utterly spent by the overwhelming nature of it all. I'm getting tons of sleep, but I still find myself tired and short tempered. I'm not eating well. I'm not exercising as much as I want to or should. I remind myself constantly that the end result of the live-in nanny and the pass in to the public school language immersion program are worth all the short-term child-care headaches, that I'm not immune to technical difficulties because I have a busy life, that as a manager I will have to deal with personnel issues sometimes, that family relationships are difficult for almost everyone. I'm not precious. I'm just in a stressful time, like many people.
A theme from the conversation I had with my wounded family member was where the tipping point was between self-care and selfishness. I have never been as inattentive a friend as I have been since John died. I have to take care of Maddie, Riley, and myself, and there are times when I'm doing a poor job of just doing that. Even when I'm doing a good job at that, I'm usually not doing a great job of being a good friend/daughter/sister/etc. I'm finding that three years out, everyone seems frustrated by this. I'm annoyed that I can't find the time or motivation to do better. My friends and family are annoyed, too. When is taking care of myself—which includes M&R—selfish and when is it self-preservation? I don't know how to answer this, I truly don't. And now I find myself in a period of transition where I certainly won't be working on a better balance between take and give.
Au pair placement will take around eight weeks. Then we'll have a period of adjustment there. The transitions never end, although this is a particularly intense period. Back to school seems to be that way for many families. My eyes are on the prize. Halloween looks like a time when things might be getting back on track, a new track. Life: why must you be so relentless?
Nanny situation aside, there's so much going on right now that I don't even know where to begin.
The twins and I went to Kansas! How's that for a place to start! We were out there for five days, in Kansas City (well, we stayed in Leawood) to see my mom's side of the family. My cousins and their kids had not met Maddie and Riley, and while I'm sorry that it took four years for that to happen, I think it ended up taking place at the ideal age for M&R. We had a great trip. It was wonderful for me to reconnect with my aunts, uncles, and cousins and after not having traveled by plane for almost a year, it was a revelation to discover how much better Four travels than Three. Two thumbs up to the heartland!
Upon return, life descended into chaos. I found out that Maddie and Riley had been awarded spots in the public school Spanish immersion PreK program that is literally across the street from our house, which is by all measures awesome except for one very important measure: logistics. The twins' current private program is a morning program; the public school option is afternoon. I had been looking for an afternoon nanny; all of a sudden, I needed a morning nanny. Oh, and yeah, "afternoon" means noon 'til 3 p.m. So I also needed someone in the afternoon, just a small part of it, until I get home at 5:30 p.m. Oh, and yeah, the public school is, of course, free, but guess how much the private school is keeping for pulling the kids at the last minute? Yes, a month's worth of tuition we paid as a deposit plus the already-paid September tuition. Which is a lot of money. And I understand why. But. Still. It's a lot of money! ANNOYING!
Cry me a river, blah, blah, I KNOW.
I've had a week to revise my nanny search to a morning job, lean on the kindness of friends to take care of the twins between when PreK lets out and when I get of work, and, most exciting of all, apply to become a host family for an au pair! Yes, color me Even More Bourgeoise Than Previously Thought Possible, we're going to have live-in help! Turns out that the live-in help is less expensive than private preschool + afternoon nanny, so voilà! I feel so, uh, I don't really know. Spoiled? That's not it, exactly. I just know that in eight weeks or so, we'll welcome a live-in nanny to our home for a year and that she'll work 45 hours/week for us and OMG I'm not even sure what to do with that much child care but I think I'll figure it out. ULTIMATELY GREAT BUT CURRENTLY FRUSTRATING!
Meanwhile, my home computer has decided to die. Or at least suffer from a serious illness. I'm not sure yet. But something dire is happening, and I'm posting this from a work laptop. POORLY TIMED, COMPUTER (as if you had any control over the situation, inanimate as you are)!
And speaking of work, all hell has broken loose! Massive amounts of projects! Personnel issues! Apathy due to all the crap going on in my personal life! GLORIOUS!
For those of you thinking, "Childcare woes + a dead home computer are not enough to qualify as a personal crisis," let me assure you that I have the same Buck Up Already kind of attitude. But wait: there's more. Only I can't say much because I feel uncomfortable blogging about Family Crap. But there you have it: there's Family Crap, capital letters much deserved. Remember that conversation I had with a friend not too long ago about how it's not all about me? Yeah. I got to have that conversation again. With someone in my family. Only this time, it didn't feel cathartic or purposeful. It felt yucky and unresolved and messy and accusatory and one-sided. I'm still not sure where things stand. The family member involved seems to believe that I'm self-centered, without morals, and unworthy of trust. I'd be cavalier about this, but it's been a blow, and I'm hurt and angry with the anger winning most of the time. AWESOME!
I have been going to bed at 9 p.m. most nights, utterly spent by the overwhelming nature of it all. I'm getting tons of sleep, but I still find myself tired and short tempered. I'm not eating well. I'm not exercising as much as I want to or should. I remind myself constantly that the end result of the live-in nanny and the pass in to the public school language immersion program are worth all the short-term child-care headaches, that I'm not immune to technical difficulties because I have a busy life, that as a manager I will have to deal with personnel issues sometimes, that family relationships are difficult for almost everyone. I'm not precious. I'm just in a stressful time, like many people.
A theme from the conversation I had with my wounded family member was where the tipping point was between self-care and selfishness. I have never been as inattentive a friend as I have been since John died. I have to take care of Maddie, Riley, and myself, and there are times when I'm doing a poor job of just doing that. Even when I'm doing a good job at that, I'm usually not doing a great job of being a good friend/daughter/sister/etc. I'm finding that three years out, everyone seems frustrated by this. I'm annoyed that I can't find the time or motivation to do better. My friends and family are annoyed, too. When is taking care of myself—which includes M&R—selfish and when is it self-preservation? I don't know how to answer this, I truly don't. And now I find myself in a period of transition where I certainly won't be working on a better balance between take and give.
Au pair placement will take around eight weeks. Then we'll have a period of adjustment there. The transitions never end, although this is a particularly intense period. Back to school seems to be that way for many families. My eyes are on the prize. Halloween looks like a time when things might be getting back on track, a new track. Life: why must you be so relentless?
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