I decided to browse my coworkers' shared libraries since I have loaded virtually no music into my work computer. I came across a live version of Ben Harper covering Peter Gabriel's classic "In Your Eyes."
My heart stopped as I listened to the song. I think I played it 20 times in a row, and I'm listening to it again now. The song took me right back to college, a period in my life I loved as it happened and for which I have a deep nostalgia. Mostly what it made me remember is how intense everything was back then. I thought more deeply, I liked and disliked with more passion, and, most of all, I loved more fiercely. That song, this song that I'm playing now, stirred up the overwhelming desire that I carried for college crushes, the euphoria of love requited, and the longing to be with someone who feels the same way about me.
As my forays with Mr. Coffee and other dating dabblings would indicate, I would love to be involved with someone and eventually get married again. I loved being married. I loved John, of course, more than I ever expected to love anyone. But, honestly, I've become so used to the day-to-day that is my unpartnered life that I had forgotten what the intensity of a romantic love for a spouse feels like. Yes, I feel a deep love for my children, but a different kind. Tears flood my eyes as Ben Harper implores me to "feel that complete," expresses desire to "touch the light and heat," as he "reaches out from the inside." Peter Gabriel, pure genius.
To feel that is exhausting, overwhelming, joyous. I want to feel it again. I will, I think, I hope.
On a somewhat related note, my That Person sent me an instant message via Facebook the other day. It was totally out of the blue. We have not exchanged so much as a generic holiday letter in years. We had a lovely chat. He and his family are moving close to where I live soon, and we'll probably see each other in the next few months.
Our "conversation" reminded me of how funny and smart he is, and stirred up some of the same emotions as Mr. Harper's rendition of Mr. Gabriel's song. I'm in this space right now, between the music and the people from the past and Riley's questions, where I feel as acutely aware of what I don't have as I am grateful for what I do.