18 March 2009

Love and Music

I'm about to lose my mind at work, so overwhelmed with the tedium of math proofreading am I. There is a dim, dim light at the end of the tunnel, but it's hard to keep sight on it. In an effort to keep my eyes on the prize, I opened up iTunes for some inspiration today. I have a really isolated office, so I can play music at pretty much any volume I want without worry of disturbing anyone or being ridiculed for my (somewhat lowbrow) taste.

I decided to browse my coworkers' shared libraries since I have loaded virtually no music into my work computer. I came across a live version of Ben Harper covering Peter Gabriel's classic "In Your Eyes."

My heart stopped as I listened to the song. I think I played it 20 times in a row, and I'm listening to it again now. The song took me right back to college, a period in my life I loved as it happened and for which I have a deep nostalgia. Mostly what it made me remember is how intense everything was back then. I thought more deeply, I liked and disliked with more passion, and, most of all, I loved more fiercely. That song, this song that I'm playing now, stirred up the overwhelming desire that I carried for college crushes, the euphoria of love requited, and the longing to be with someone who feels the same way about me. 

As my forays with Mr. Coffee and other dating dabblings would indicate, I would love to be involved with someone and eventually get married again. I loved being married. I loved John, of course, more than I ever expected to love anyone. But, honestly, I've become so used to the day-to-day that is my unpartnered life that I had forgotten what the intensity of a romantic love for a spouse feels like. Yes, I feel a deep love for my children, but a different kind. Tears flood my eyes as Ben Harper implores me to "feel that complete," expresses desire to "touch the light and heat," as he "reaches out from the inside." Peter Gabriel, pure genius.

To feel that is exhausting, overwhelming, joyous. I want to feel it again. I will, I think, I hope.

On a somewhat related note, my That Person sent me an instant message via Facebook the other day. It was totally out of the blue. We have not exchanged so much as a generic holiday letter in years. We had a lovely chat. He and his family are moving close to where I live soon, and we'll probably see each other in the next few months. 

Our "conversation" reminded me of how funny and smart he is, and stirred up some of the same emotions as Mr. Harper's rendition of Mr. Gabriel's song. I'm in this space right now, between the music and the people from the past and Riley's questions, where I feel as acutely aware of what I don't have as I am grateful for what I do.


Lil Sis said...

That song, it's "our song", my hubby and me...pure genius is right.

Sending happy thoughts and hugs to you and the kids.

Lots of love,

Single Parent Dad said...

I hope you do too.

Jen said...

oh man.. i know you had to eventually post again.. but my blog had been getting swarmed with new visitors the longer your "baby" post stayed up.. *grin*

Two Moms and a Baby

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

That song was one of those that turned me on to our church... the house band did it so nicely. As much as I hate "rock" music, those are always the songs that bring tears to my eyes.

This past weekend it was "Unwritten" also at church.... the words "feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you" -- the band played it a year and a half ago and those words made me come alive to my body so much then. Hearing it again brought the tears again.

You are even moved by the same music as me. Weird!

Anonymous said...

That song was a key song in the relationship with my "that person" in college. Always takes me back when I hear it. :)


caro said...

That was my "That Person" song, too. I can still hardly stand to listen to it. It makes me squirm.

Anonymous said...

Is there a chance that it is Jeffrey Gaines singing and not Ben Harper? Gaines' version is often confused for and mislabeled as Ben Harper.

Anonymous said...

Ben Harper - yum!

Snickollet said...


I only know what my coworker's iTunes tells me. Be it Ben Harper or Jeffrey Gaines, it's a beautiful version of the song. I'd be happy to give credit where credit is due, I just don't have an easy way to verify the source!


Ali said...

Oh I remember that whole Peter Gabriel album. In college, cooking speghetti (the only thing he could make) with my boyfriend I was so in love with. Things were very intense back then. Luckily, I married him!

Galen said...

Snick, thanks for being here. Your strength and courage give me a bit of hope tonight, just when I thought there was none.

The kids are adorable(!), and I hope for what you do for the three of you.

Anonymous said...

Funny your timing, only yesterday did I find an anthology of poems and prose written by my "That Person". Not written for me, just sent to me one day a long time ago. It was enough to make me cry.

We knew each other for a little while, he left the country, I stopped in for a visit while on a six-week trip across the continent, and we had a three-day affair. It was ugly and beautiful at the same time, and involved cheating on both sides.

I have been with my husband, who I met six months later, for years. I love him to pieces and can't believe how fortunate I am to have such a good life.

But, if That Person showed up tomorrow and asked me to bed, I know I'd go in a second. I hate him for that, but love him all the same.

Jane said...

Mmmm. I know exactly what you mean about that adolescent/college-age intensity. I miss it sometimes, too.

I have no doubt that you will find someone. It's just a matter of time.

Sandi said...

Ha! During my college experience I barely felt anything. I was too drunk all the time.

"Welcome to the Jungle" would be my college anthem.

Giovanna Diaries said...

Jen - you mean my blog isn't bringing in the #'s for ya? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
SupaDish....do we go to the same church?
Snick...your comment the other day totally made me cry. Thanks :)
As for "the song"...I think I'm the only girl in the world who doesn't care for it much. I never really liked the movie either. What is wrong w/me??????

Sadia said...

Caught up in Peter and the Wolf and nursery rhymes, I've forgotten what grown-up music can do for me. Thanks for the kick in the pants!

Ben Harper takes me back to college too ... his sister-in-law and I had a couple of classes together, and he played in town relatively often. :)

OTRgirl said...

I LOVE Ben Harper. I got to see him at RIT when I was there.

You express that longing and nostalgia perfectly. I do hope you find someone to share the next phases of life with soon.

KrimoJo said...

going to look for that version now. i love me some ben. my daughter's first name is his last - partly for To Kill a Mockingbird, but also partly (which I never mention) for ben.
My hubby and I danced to Forever at our wedding. Mmm ben.

muffinandbear said...

It's amazing how music can bring you back. It's so powerful, you wonder if everything should have a sound track to it. :)

I really hope you find what you are looking for - when you aren't really looking :)

~ Jolene said...

I too hope that you will find that love again someday. I feel in my heart that you will. :)