07 April 2008

[t/k]

This Friday is a Big Day: John's first deathiversary. Bring on the cake and ice cream! (Ha ha, just a weak attempt at gallows humor there, folks!)

I've had some very kind e-mails, cards, and phone calls from friends letting me know they are they are keeping me and the twins in their thoughts. My dad has been visiting since last Friday (leaving tomorrow), and my mom and stepdad arrive Thursday to spend the weekend; I'm taking Friday and Monday off to relax with them, and I'm spending Saturday night away, without the kids, to give myself some time to think and be.

Some people have expressed surprise that I'm not doing Something. You know, Something. Except I don't know. I have no idea what that Something would be. Scatter ashes somewhere symbolic? Say a prayer over a candle? Look at old pictures? Remember "The Good Ol' Days"? It could be any or all of those things. Or none of them, in my case.

I'm actually looking forward to this weekend. I love to spend time with my mom and stepdad. I haven't taken a day off work since starting this job. I almost never get a break from the kids, and the way things have been lately, it couldn't come at a better time. I guess I'm not ready to do Something; it feels forced and inauthentic to me. The very thought makes me tired.

And yet the year mark does offer a convenient time to take stock. I can't believe the kids have gone from being babies who took bottles and couldn't yet walk to being toddlers who talk in complete sentences and call me on my bullshit attempts to sneak beans into their diet. I can't believe how much I've learned about myself—good and bad—and how much growing I still need to do. I remain grateful every day for the support of family and friends. The twins and I rely on someone's generosity daily. We're very well cared for.

But Friday is also just another day. I've found that in the past year, days I thought would be hard—holidays, or other "special" days—were sometimes very difficult and sometimes not. By the same token, I've found that there are days when the kids and I are all rested, when the sun is shining, when everything seems to be about as good as could get, and yet I still feel like shit. Some days I'm sad, just sad, all day. Some days I feel really, really good. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it, and I don't expect that Friday will be different in that regard.

In the time we had together, John often chided me about not being kind enough to myself. He supported anything I did just for me, from eating ice cream without guilt to getting a massage to going to the movies to training for a half-marathon. In a way, this coming weekend is all about me. I'll be with people I love. I'll have help with the twins. I'll cultivate down time. I'll eat at a great restaurant, get a massage, and sleep all night. I have had virtually no time for myself since John died, and now I will get a sliver of that time I so desperately need. 

And of course, during all of the things that I do this weekend, I'll be thinking of my Goose. That's no different from any other day since he died. I miss you, Love.

38 comments:

Lucky said...

You do "Something" every time you wake up to greet another day, being exactly who you are...the person your husband loves.

Anne said...

Thinking of you this week and always! Enjoy your time with your parents, your precious growing babes, yourself - whatever your "Something" is (even if it's Nothing but peace and quiet) I hope it's meaningful to you.

electriclady said...

Taking care of yourself and having a little quiet time sounds like the perfect Something. You don't need a Big Day to remember John.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your journey through the last year or so and continue to keep you in my prayers.
My only bit of advice (which you can totally ignore if you want to) is to just let it flow. You don't know how you will wake up feeling on Friday. You can't be pushed into feeling particularly sad or mellow or happy...it just happens. I'm sorry that people are making you feel like you have to do "something" Friday - you don't have to do anything if you don't feel moved to. At the risk of sounding too therapy-ish, honor whatever feelings you have that day (and every day for that matter). You will find that every "special" day or anniversary will be different as the years go by. On some of them you will wake up feeling fine and on others you may feel profoundly sad. That's all part of this lousy thing called grief.

You are a wonderful mother to your beautful children and I think they are fortunate to have a mom who cares about them as much as you do. I know it's been difficult to adjust to really being on your own with them but you're doing great!

Keep taking care of yourself and know that there are many, many folks you are thinking of you - on this Friday and all days.

Peace be with you.

Cobblestone said...

Ah yes, do *something* I remember it well. By the one year of John's death I lived in a different timezone from my entire family. Did I want to travel back? Should they come to me? blah blah. John was a techno geek, and always wanted the newest, biggest, loudest, coolest toy he could find {it seems a little mean maybe but I am kind of glad that he died before the gigantic room-eating wall mounted flat tvs were available}.

On the one year of his death I went and spent too much money on a surround sound, spent hours installing it myself, and watched his favorite movie. It was *my* day to remember him the way I wanted to {apparently by swearing at installation manuals in his stead}.

Good luck, take care, I wish you a genuine laugh and a calm heart on Friday.

baasheep said...

I will be thinking of you this weekend. Tommorrow is the first anniversary of my mothers death. She had pancreatic cancer too. All the relatives have been asking me what I am going to "do" and truthfully I am at a loss. Sleep in, clean the house, hover at the grave? *sigh* Take care of yourself hon x

Hairline Fracture said...

It sounds like you are going to do what feels right to you. Wishing you the best...

Rachel said...

That sounds like the perfect way to spend your weekend. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

Rev Dr Mom said...

(o)

SmileyGirl said...

Don't plan anything! Enjoy the day any way you feel fit when it arrives and allow yourself to be yourself. Sit back and watch the world go by and just enjoy the time you have with your family and kiddos. If the mood strikes you, then do something in memory of John. If not, then just remember like you do so well. My thoughts are with you!

winecat said...

Wishing you a beautiful peaceful time for yourself. That's the something John would want.

Nina said...

Wishing you a relaxing weekend for yourself.

Annagrace said...

I think time to yourself is always the best way to mark or celebrate anything at all...our culture doesn't really honor that and having kids certainly doesn't make that easy at ALL. We'll be thinking of you as always. One day when you live closer we'll take the kids so you can do this sort of thing more often--and I'm always good at supporting anyone's right to wine-and-ice-cream nights...

kim said...

Still reading and still thinking of you... sending lots of hugs to you and the kids.

mlg said...

I will be thinking of you on Friday. Just let yourself be and realize that nothing is right or wrong. Whatever you feel like doing is the right thing to do and whatever you feel like you should do but don't want to is the wrong thing to do.

Eat Ice Cream in bed, shop for nothing in particular, see a movie, light a candle, skinnydip, sleep a lot, stay up all night, paint your toenails, wax your eyebrows, take a bubble bath, make a ton of phone calls, write John a letter, whatever feels right just do it! You most definately deserve it.

buddha_girl said...

You've been on my mind a lot recently. You know that.

I'm so glad that you'll be surrounded by people who will all be concentrating on YOU.

Vacant Uterus said...

Sounds like your doing exactly what you should be doing, exactly what is right. I thinking of you and sending gentle thoughts.

xo
Flicka

CLC said...

I will be thinking of you this weekend. It sounds like you will be doing just what John would want you to.

Kerry Lynn said...

I think about you often but I've especially been thinking of you this week.
I'm so glad you're getting help this weekend!

Angela said...

You will be in my thoughts this week, I am so glad you are taking some time for yourself and that is so lovely because you know that is exactly what John would have wanted you to do.

Andria said...

Here in Ausin, thinking of you.

liz said...

Thinking of you today and everyday.

Superha said...

thinking of you and hoping you have lots of good "snickollet" time.

OTRgirl said...

How can it POSSIBLY have been a year already? That's crazy. I'm so glad you're getting some alone time this weekend. (I liked the gallows humor...)

I didn't comment on your previous post, but well done! That sounds like a great way to handle things.

I hope this weekend is rich and saturated with what you need.

tree town gal said...

Snick - I have been thinking about you, too. Very happy to hear that you will have your mom and step-father with you this weekend. It sounds like you have planned plenty of "something." Time with your family and time to reflect is a lovely way to honor yourself, Goose and your children. You are remarkable and honest.

django's mommy said...

Snick, I have two parts to my comment.

First off, I am glad you have a well-deserved weekend planned, with lots of time focused on you. I have been thinking of you lots.

Second, as someone who is already stressing out about the 'something' that is coming up in September, I really appreciated your post. I feel like there has to be something big, something momentous... but maybe there doesn't have to be. Maybe I can just go for a hike with my son. Maybe I can just Be. Thank you.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I like your plan! I, too, have felt the pressure to do "something" to remember my mom, but I have figured out that I don't need a particular day to honor her (plus, why would I make that day the day of her death anyway?) because there are moments every day in which I think of her, laugh at something she would have enjoyed, shed some tears for her or tell her how things are going.

Do what feels right to you (like you've been doing for the past year... which seems to be working well for you).

Mama Nabi said...

*hugs*
You do what you feel like doing - like any other day. Take care of yourself, of the twins, and of the memories. And I will think of you, as always.

moo said...

Every day is hard. But look how far you've come already! Don't feel guilty for not having a Big Day planned ... enjoy your time to yourself and know that we all care about you!

bg's Little Sis said...

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

lots of love,
lil'sis

Amelie said...

thinking of you.

Emmie (Better Make It A Double) said...

I still have the candle I lit for you, and I'm lighting it tonight and thinking of you. Peace to you, strong woman that you are.

Amy said...

Through this entire post, I was thinking exactly what you summed up in your last sentences. You don't have to do Something. You do Something every day.

Thinking of you and the twins.

Melissa in TN said...

I have been reading your blog now for a year. I am so sorry for your loss. I think you have done extremely well taking care of yourself and the babies during this past year. I think your John would be proud.

I will be thinking of you all on Friday.

Kendra's mom said...

We always go to the memorial park on the anniversary of her death and on her birthday. But that is us. It is what works for us. It sounds like some alone time is what will work for you and is what you really need, so that is what you should 'do'. Just be. I also found that the buildup to the anniversary/birthday is worse than the actual day itself. I think you have the right approach, treating it as any other day.
I will nevertheless be thinking of you on Friday.

Julia said...

It's Friday. I wanted to say that I am thinking of you, and that I hope the weekend is what you need it to be.
Something is not necessary. do what you feel moved to do, even if it's just thinking and missing. You are absolutely right--it's all about you. Mourning is for and about the living.

Pauli said...

I've been reading the comments, and I agree that whatever you do, John would be so proud of you and the twins. He was never one to need something "big" (unless it was a meal!). Enjoy your time in a place where you and John always had fun, and concentrate on yourself for once. You have been so strong throughout John's illness and especially this past year. Not everyone could do that. Again, John was lucky to have you for the time you were together.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thinking of you today.