15 April 2008

Decisions

I am a stream-of-consciousness blogger. I open up a new post, type, hit "Publish" and, for the most part, I don't look back. Occasionally I'll go fix a typo or tweak something that at second glance is ambiguous or misleading, but for the most part my blog is not a place for me to work on my writing. This is a rough-and-tumble, first-draft kind of place, raw and uncensored.

And yet, as I try to write about my weekend, I've started and stopped, deleted and retyped, saved and reopened, at least five times.

My weekend was good, but my weekend was hard. The hard parts were not related to the year deathiversary, or at least I don't think they were. The hard parts were and are related to parenting, to toddler challenges, and to my own sadness independent of how much time has passed since John died.

[more typing, deleting, starting over]

So yes, ups and downs, tears and laughter, peaks and valleys, and all of that. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats.

And the end result is that I made a few decisions:

1. I have to start exercising. This is non-negotiable. I need to make the time to walk during lunch at work, to put my T-Tapp video in at night, and even to get the kids out in the jogger after work/daycare. The kids and I will all benefit from this. Less TV, more moving around.

2. I'm going to start easing dairy out of Riley's diet just to see how this affects his temperament and overall crankiness. I tried to give him straight-up soymilk before bed last night and he was NOT into it, but he did drink a 50/50 mix without complaint, so I'm going to try to slowly switch him over to all soy and stop serving cheese and yogurt so often. This is going to be a work in progress.

I guess I made two decisions rather than a few. Close enough. I probably made more decisions than that and just can't think of them right now. I've felt in a bit of a fog lately.

I know I have more to say about my weekend. Here's a list of some things that I did. Want to hear more about any of them?
  1. Slept until 8:30 a.m. one morning.
  2. Ate an amazing meal.
  3. Took a walk by myself.
  4. Got my legs waxed for the first time.
  5. Cried. On more than one occasion.
  6. Watched some baseball.
  7. Took a long, hot bubble bath.
  8. Confessed to my mom and stepdad that I'm really, really sad most of the time.
  9. Yelled at the kids.
  10. Missed the kids terribly.
  11. Took a walk with my mom.
  12. Tried a new recipe.
  13. Went to another moms of twins yard sale.
  14. Broke my latte maker.
  15. Ordered a replacement part for my latte maker.
  16. Let the twins eat chocolate for breakfast.

23 comments:

Kizz said...

14. NOOOOOOOOO! Not the latte maker!

15. Whew!

16. Very cool mom move.

reid said...

why do you think dairy makes Riley cranky (probably missed this from another post)? do you think he's lactose intolerant?

2beautifulgirlsforme! said...

Glad to see your post. I was thinking of you a lot this weekend.

On the soy switch - we had to do that too. We bought unsweetened Soy and a bottle of vanilla syrup at Starbucks. A drop or two (literally - just a drop) in the milk and it is like candy. She didn't even notice the switch. Worth a try! Also, she likes chilled soy milk a lot more than the shelf stable kind.

Good luck!

Sylvie said...

Nice to read your post, the exercise plan seems like a good one. A couple nights out during the week with fresh air and warmer nights will be great. Did you see the Sox game last night? It was a good one! I got home in time for the 5th inning, so just in time: that was the beginning of the best part.

so-yun said...

"Confessed to my mom and stepdad that I'm really, really sad most of the time."

I'm so sorry to hear that...

Snickollet said...

Reid--

Yes, I think that Riley could be lactose intolerant. With kids prone to eczema, giving up dairy can be a good start to finding a way to manage the eczema w/o medication. If the dairy is making his tummy upset or causing some of his itchiness, it would be worth eliminating. We'll see how it goes.

-snick

Anonymous said...

Just an idea,check your local grocery store's health food section for lactose free foods...my daughter was lactose intolerant until the age of 2...I know they carry lactose free yogurt and ice cream...a little more expensive, but well worth it to be able to give them a special treat!

Cass said...

here are my questions.

How bad did the leg waxing hurt? In comparison to eyebrow waxing?

What new recipe did you try?

Snickollet said...

Cass--

The leg waxing hurt way more than eyebrow waxing. The initial pain of the waxing itself is like having band-aids taken off of your entire leg, band-aid by band-aid. In the aftermath, I have really, really sensitive skin, and despite moisturizing and putting on some kind of cooling gel (?) at the salon, my skin still burned for about 24 hours.

All that said: it was so worth it. I'd definitely do it again. I get awful razor burn, too, so it seems worth it to me to get this done every four to six weeks as opposed to shaving one or two times a week.

-snick

Rachel said...

I'm sorry to hear that your weekend was hard. I hope that you are able to figure out what is going on with Riley.

Exercise is always good, as is chocolate for breakfast.

moo said...

It's ok to be sad. Glad you can recognize it and admit it ... that's the hard part.

Exercise releases endorphins, which make you feel better (happier) ... so good idea there, for more than the body image/get moving theory!

(How is T-Tapp? Do you like it?)

culiex said...

FYI, I've also been thinking of decreasing the amount of milk Alex has been drinking - I read somewhere that it inhibits protein absorbtion (or iron? hm. can't remember, which is worrisome but...) that *might* be contributing to the moodiness and irritability. Good for you for looking into physical triggers rather than just chalking it up to him being sensitive and emotional. Not always the case.

I'm glad you had a good weekend. I'm so so sorry you are sad so much of the time. What does your counselor say about that? Perhaps now is the time for a *mild* anti-depressant to get you clocked back into things? Not for everyone, but can certainly take the dark lining out of the edges of your day. Won't by any means keep you from feeling grief/sadness/anger and all the other healthy things you are feeling. It just might help you cope with some of the little stuff with the grace of someone who doesn't have so much shit on her plate. The exercise should also help.

Big hugs.

Heather said...

I'm so glad you told your mom about your feelings. Sometimes it's just a huge burden to know that someone else that you love and respect (and loves and respects you) knows what's up. I hope you find that, too.

Lara said...

The vanilla flavored soy milk was very easily accepted by my oldest son. The plain not at all. I'm not sure which you tried, but if it wasn't the vanilla, you might want to try that one. And some brands taste better than others.

I tried everything that I gave him... couldn't blame him for refusing some of them!

debangel said...

Leg-waxing makes *me* want to cry, too ;)

Nice to see you posting..I've been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing!

Toby said...

my second son had a "milk protein intolerance" and as a breastfeeding mom I had to cut dairy out of his and my diet. It made both of us feel so much better. Even now, as he's over the intolerance and I'm no longer breastfeeding, I find we're both happier with less dairy. That being said, a lot (at least 10%) of kids with dairy issues also have soy issues. We use rice milk (only the vanilla flavor; the plain is yucky). I found the people at infantreflux.org incredibly helpful on places to buy dairy free foods and dairy free recipes. Good luck with this.

B.E.C.K. said...

Sounds like you got to do some much-needed pampering along with the difficult stuff. I'm sorry, although not surprised, to hear you're feeling sad most of the time. I wish I could give you a hug. *hug*

django's mommy said...

Snick-
I've been thinking about you tons.

I'm glad you told your mom & stepdad how you've been feeling. I suspect you get the 'you seem so strong' comments a lot, as do I. It's liberating to me to be able to tell people how I am truly feeling most days.

Thank you for sharing your leg waxing experience- I too have very sensitive skin, so was glad to read that despite your legs burning for 24 hrs, you still thought it was worth it. I'm also contemplating my first bikini wax- yikes!

Exercise. First off, I am totally and completely unathletic, but had sort of started running before Josh died (I totally heart the Couch to 5K running plan), and now have really gotten into it. I am running my first 5K on Saturday (eek!). Running serves 4 purposes for me: it's alone time, which is golden. It keeps me healthy, which is great, it is a way for me to get out some aggression/anger (more constructive than throwing pottery across teh kitchen, I've learned), AND, I swear, it helps my mood.

That was long-winded, but if you can find a way to work it in, do it. It's helped me in so many ways.

Thanks so much for your blog, Snick. You really are such an inspiration.

Angela said...

Hope that removing dairy products from Riley's diet helps his temperament, fingers crossed. Are you still seeing the social worker, if you are, do you think it's helping you?
I am constantly amazed at how you can get through each day considering how much stress and sadness you have to deal with. I'm so glad you had your Mom and Stepdad with you during this time.
I am so happy you took some time to do things for yourself, that is so very important.

Maureen said...

De-lurking hoping to help - maybe try Lactaid? It comes in chocolate flavor too. My son, adopted from Korea, didn't do well with Soy but seems to do really well with the Lactaid. I sometimes take the plain Lactaid and add Strawberry Quick but either way, he drinks it. It stopped his yucky diapers, drooling, rashes, and stomach issues (that did make him cranky). I was poo-pooed by my pediatrician about making the switch but it really did a world of good! Hope you find a solution.

Mama Nabi said...

Ick... I am lactose intolerant now but wasn't as a kid... actually, have you tried non-pasteurized milk? There's something different in the pasteurizing process here than in Korea. I wasn't lactose intolerant until I started drinking milk in the U.S... and my mom who can drink milk in Korea gets stomachaches if she drinks milk in the U.S.

And as always, *hugs*

mommo4.5 said...

I see someone else suggested rice milk. I would also suggest almond milk. We use a product called Almond Breeze and find it very pleasant. They have sweetened and unsweetened. We have only used the unsweetened and find it quite sweet enough. Maybe some of all three, rice, soy and almond for variety?

Julia said...

A lot of these things seem like they were good to do, even if not all comfortable.
Hope the latte maker is all fixed by now.