I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for Halloween last night. The kids don't get it yet, and I don't want the candy. Our house is up three flights of stairs from the street, and we never get trick-or-treaters. I had thought that I would just do what we do on any random Wednesday night: dinner, playtime, bath, bed. But it was a gorgeous, unseasonably warm night and the kids looked so cute their costumes that it seemed a shame not to do something.
I decided to take the kids on a Halloween walk. We went home from daycare, had dinner, and headed out. It was so warm that we didn't even need jackets. The twins were in their costumes, Riley as a ladybug and Maddie as a bumblebee.
We walked around a bit and didn't see any kids out, much to my disappointment. A friend of mine from orchestra had e-mailed me earlier in the day and said he'd be home if we wanted to stop by for some candy, so we walked over to his house. He lives on a quiet street of single-family homes; most houses were decorated, and kids were out in force. It was great, just the scene I'd wanted to find. We rang the bell, and my friend came out with his dish of candy. We set up shop on the porch. I took the twins out of the stroller, and they had a blast climbing up the porch stairs and playing peek-a-boo behind the railings. My friend made us drinks and we handed out lots of candy. It was the most fun Halloween I've had in ages. The twins and I left around 7:45, late for them, but they were delightful the whole time until I tried to put them into the stroller to go home and Riley was heartbroken. I think he wanted to move in.
It was one of those magical evenings where everything just seemed to come together. The weather was right, the costumes were right, the timing was right. It was refreshing for me to get out of the house on a weeknight with the kids, and to have them do so well at an hour when they can typically be serious crabs. But somehow the stars aligned and we had a perfect Halloween. I made it home with only two mini Snickers, so my WW commitment is even still intact.
My best friend and my sister-in-law have both recently asked me if I've thought about whether or not I want to get married again, whether or not I want to date. There are two things I absolutely cannot imagine right now: (1) being physically intimate with anyone; the very thought gives me the willies, and (2) someone other than John being Maddie and Riley's dad. But as I sat on the porch last night and had a glass of wine and talked with an adult guy, and as we handed out candy and people said things like, "Oh, your kids are so cute!" not knowing that the kids were mine and not his, I missed being married. A lot. It would have been nice at the end of the evening to take the kids inside, to have someone else help put them to bed, someone else to have dinner and another glass of wine with, someone to snuggle on the couch with. I really miss that. Most of the time, I miss it in an intangible way. My day-to-day life is what it is, and I don't dislike it. This unexpected glimpse into what I'm missing, though, made that longing for what I don't have very acute.
I'm not ready to date, I'm not ready for romantic love. I don't know when I will be. But someday, somehow, I'd like to have that part of my life back, even though it hurts so much to think that it can never be with John.