11 October 2007

Six Months

Today marks six months since John died.

I feel like the smallest thing could make me cry today. My emotional state is not helped by the fact that I'm tired because my mom left early this morning; my best friend picked her up at 4:30 a.m. for a 6:00 flight (thanks, Erk). I got up to see her off, and although I went back to bed and sleep, I'm still tired. Plus my mom left, which makes me sad on top of the grief sad.

And six months. I miss John more, not less, as time goes on. If that trend continues, I don't know how I'll make it.

55 comments:

Donna said...

First time poster. Just wanted to send you hugs. Hang in there and know that many people who don't know you care and wish you weren't hurting.

Donna

lct said...

Thinking of you today and sending love. Take care and maybe do something extra nice for yourself today, okay?

Angie said...

First time for me commenting too...I've just recently found your blog. I am so sorry you are hurting. I can't imagine dealing with all you have to deal with every day. I am very thankful for the life I have, and I wanted you to know that your story really enforces that for me.

Take care of yourself, it's ok to feel sad. Six months is still pretty fresh for a wound like this. Hope you feel better soon.

dregina said...

Snick,
I don't know if hearing other people's experiences helps you, but I get very angry at big anniversaries of my father's death - six months, a year. It's hard not to fixate on the fact that for the rest of my life, the time my Dad and I had together will only get farther away.

On the other hand, I know we wouldn't have used our time together so well if we hadn't known in advance it would be so short. All the bullshit that fell away when he was diagnosed with cancer would have remained.....it doesn't make his loss acceptable, but I suppose we all try to find comfort where we can when we're grieving.

Thank you for sharing the love you have for your husband with us. I hope you feel the love this community has for you in return.

Karen said...

It never gets easy and you never miss someone less. But it gets "easier"....unfortunately 6 months is not enough time for that easier to kick in.

I am also sending you prayers and hugs. Just spend the day doing something fun with your babies and seeing the goodness of your husband in them.

Amy said...

Anniversaries can really hurt. Concrete reminders of time passing. I am so sorry.

Hoping today passes smoothly.

serenity said...

Lurker here... thinking of you today and sending you love.

xxxx

aqua said...

I think this is my first time commenting too. Your posts often move me to tears; I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you lots of positive energy...

Caustic Cupcake said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there, girl.

bold said...

In my experience, it never gets easier, it only gets different.

You don't miss them less. You just miss them different.

For me, almost six years later, it's the dull quiet ache that colors my days where it used to be the only thing I thought of.

You'll be fine. You have at least 2 very good reasons to soldier on.

Gillian said...

You're doing an amazing job. I'm one of those who doesn't know you and wishes you weren't hurting. *hugs* from me, too. The day - is already half over.

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry. And I'm thinking of you.

Yankee T said...

Aw, Snick, six months? Does not seem possible. I have no words of wisdom. I send the whole family my love.

Rev Dr Mom said...

((((((Snickollet))))))

Kizz said...

I agree with bold, not easier, just different. And, of course, we get used to carrying the weight.

Good luck with the rest of the day.

Phoenista said...

I really have nothing insightful to share with you. I am sorry you lost your husband, I'm sorry you have to raise babies alone, and I am sad for you. I have almost commented on so many of your posts but I never really have anything to contribute I suppose. I am in constant awe of your strength.

Leggy said...

Hugs to you. I wish I could come visit and go out for coffee again.

Cass said...

I do a daily meditation with mantra...Sometimes I focus on me, sometimes on my family. Today I focused on you - this incredibly strong women I can't even pretend to know. I sent you all kinds of good energy.

Becky said...

I'm so so sorry. I am sending you good vibes and love today.

Anonymous said...

go gently today ....claim kisses from maddie and hugs from riley! remember too that you have tons of cyber hugs to claim! you are a very special person......hugs and hugs Maggie

Rachel said...

I am thinking of you today, and sending you virtual hugs/ good thoughts/ prayers.

mar said...

I wish I actually knew you so I could do more -- but I'm still thinking of you. I hope you're easy on yourself. You're doing an amazing job faced with an enormous task. Some more of those baby kisses can't hurt.

django's mommy said...

I'm a bit of a newbie to your blog as well. I have only gotten through the one month anniversary of my husband's death. I'm just so, so sorry that John died. It hurts so much, I know.

Resplendentquetzal said...

Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you today. I admire your strength and the perservarance you have shown to get through this rough time in your life.
Take care, and know that there are a lot of people that are thinking of you not just today, but often.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.. It will get a bit easier but you will NEVER forget.
I lost my baby boy back in Feb and it's still fresh.. I think about him often and miss him every single day.. But all we can do is hold them in our hearts.. They know they are missed and loved.
just know that he is soooo proud of you for keeping his memory alive and for being such a great single mommy.
{{hugs}}

Christine said...

Not saying anything original, except that I'm thinking of you on this difficult day and sending hugs.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. You know, you might go ahead and allow yourself to cry -- openly expressing emotion sometimes brings a little peace.

Cari said...

Thinking of you today and sending you hugs.

Anonymous said...

You, John and your beautiful children are in my heart today.

susan said...

I'm sorry: anniversaries are not easy. I'm thinking of all of you today.'

B.E.C.K. said...

I'm thinking of you and wishing there was something I could do to make your journey easier. *hug*

every tenth said...

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what else I can say, but I'm thinking of you.

Veronica said...

Thinking of you today.

(((hugs)))

Taffy said...

also a first time poster, i think....but long time lurker.

i'm so sorry.

i'm uncloaking to say....
eventually it will get easier.
but in 'grief years', 6 months is two seconds ago.

have a hug possum,
and take care of yourself and your gorgie munchkins,
taff in sunny downtown sydney.

halfmama said...

Nothing really to add... except that I'm thinking of you today...

buddha_girl said...

I don't know how you do it.

I just know that you do.

Sending love from Virginia.

liz said...

(((snickollet)))

Nina said...

Snickollet, I am sorry. Today is an anniversary for me, too - my mother's birthday. She died twelve years ago, Oct 14. I know you feel alone right now, and I understand. If it is any help to you, please know that many of us know heartbreak and know how it feels to long for someone we cannot have back - and our hearts are with you.

MJ said...

I've no experience with losing a husband but I lost my mum 3 weeks before my twins were born. And, it was dreadfully, dreadfully hard. I often felt the pain was unbearable. And now--6 years later--even though I miss her a lot I can breathe. So, it does get "easier" not "easy."

But there are still triggers when I think, "I'd love to talk to her again for just one day." And I think that's normal.

I find anniversaries of any sort (her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, seasonal changes, etc.) to be a challenge. I can suggest not doing what I used to do (get cranky--some might use another word) and try to give yourself a little space when you know these anniversaries are about to occur. I've found this to be helpful for me.

Kathy said...

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. That really is a tough milestone for you. Just know that we are all here for you to vent to and that we all send you hugs, happy thoughts, and computer brownies. I'm so sorry.

soralis said...

I can't imagine. Sending a hug your way

Anonymous said...

I am a first time poster too.I really feel for you and want to send you a really big hug. . life is so not fair sometimes.Your husband left behnd the strongest love and will always be with you.My husband has mouth cancer so I know what you have been through.God Bless all of you.

tree town gal said...

Thinking of you, especially today. I am not sure it gets easier but it gets different (less shocking, maybe?). Hugs to you and the kids. I hope you can sneak a little time for yourself and your thoughts. Take care. I'm so sorry, Snick.

Jolene said...

I'm so sorry I didn't read yesterday. I was stuck in sales meetings all the live long day. A day late but still here to say that you are always in my thoughts...not just on the tough days. I hope you were able to make it through okay. I wish there was more I could say. Hugs to you and the kiddies...

buttercup649 said...

I second, third and fourth what everyone above me said. I hope you're able to feel everyone's good thoughts...

Anonymous said...

Oh, this breaks my heart for you. Lots of love and strength to you...and many more runs that fill you with confidence and joy.

~Misha

Kimberly said...

big hugs

sparklykatt said...

We don't even know each other and I have tears in my eyes for you. I wish i could make things better for you.

spare teeth said...

i'm late again, but thinking of you and sending you more virtual hugs.

OTRgirl said...

Yeah, anniversaries are very, very hard.

I wish I could stop by and help with the twins, make you dinner and sit and hear some John stories...

It took at least 7 years before I wasn't impacted by each anniversary. My sister called me in September for the 10th anniversary of Mom's death. The amazing thing to both of us was that the anniversary hadn't impacted us emotionally. Somehow not having a Mom has become a fact of life, yet I still have lots of triggers that make me cry or miss having a Mom.

Sylvie said...

late with my comment, but just wanted to send good wishes. i'm really sorry for your loss.

Kimberly said...

Another first time poster; found you from Julia's site.

I understand the experience of grief getting worse as time goes on, rather than getting better, though our experiences were vastly different overall. I will say that in my case, it ebbs and flows, making it possible to deal with. While the waves aren't any less overwhelming, I have developed ways to deal with them better, which in some part does make them "better" than they were at the beginning. I hope that you too find a way through. My thoughts are with you today.

Anna and Daniel said...

Coming in late but thinking of you and hoping you have something nice (or even just something distracting) planned for the weekend. Maddie is probably just waiting to be asked to give one of those gorgeous kisses?

Shandra said...

I think I am posting for the first time but I'm not sure - I have been reading for quite a while.

I lost my daughter and while everyone's grief path is different, I did want to share that some of the hardest times for me were in the 6 months to 18 months period. Before that while the emptiness was awful, it was sort of like there was a numbness that was protective in its own way. But as the numbness wore off and the newness - the first holidays, etc. - hit it seemed like it was so much worse.

Sometimes there seems to be an expectation in our society that things are the worst at the beginning and then get better in a linear way. That hasn't been my experience with grief, even if the general progression has been towards finding equilibrium again.

I am thinking about you today. A few days late of course.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself