13 August 2007

Slowly, Slowly

We made it through the weekend. Things improved steadily after Friday. It would be tempting fate to ask how they could have gotten worse, so I'm not going to go there.

Riley was still not himself on Saturday: crabby, lethargic. He ate, but not much. I now think that he must have had a bug. We went to a BBQ on Saturday afternoon and I thought he was doing a bit better as he stuffed himself with cantaloupe and bread . . . only to puke it all back up minutes later. Poor man. That was no fun. Luckily, Maddie was a peach and seemed to be feeling a-OK.

But Sunday was a huge improvement. We had brunch with friends and Riley ate four silver-dollar sized pancakes with jam and whipped cream, a big dish of watermelon, and an egg. Yikes! Same for Maddie. They were both much more themselves temperament-wise, too. It was nice to see. I hope they are in reasonably good moods after daycare today, but I'll take "not barfing" to mean "reasonably good."

I'm making progress on John's memorial. Today I really need to call the caterer. Last night I went through a box of John's that was full of doubles of photos from college and beyond and sorted them into three piles: friends, work, and family. I'm going to give the family ones to his, um, family (my logic is impeccable!), and bring the work and friends ones to the memorial for people to look through and help themselves.

I did find a few photos in there of us, some from when we were engaged, before cancer. It's hard for me to remember how happy I felt. When John first got sick, I remember feeling punished, like I was due for something awful because no one deserved to be as happy as I felt in those months leading up to our wedding. I know that's not true, but a nagging part of me did feel that way, as though that kind of joy can't be sustained, pride goeth before a fall.

Rationally I can expect that someday I will feel that kind of happiness again. But it will never again be with John, and that sucks.

My dad is doing much better after his accident, and is home safe in Oregon. He will not be able to make the memorial, which makes both of us sad. I'm sure he will come visit as soon as his doctor clears him to fly, so that's something to look forward to this fall.

John's parents and my brother- and sister-in-law arrive on Friday, around lunchtime. My mom and stepdad get here Friday night, around 10:00 p.m. Hopefully my in-laws (or some subset of them) can hang around at the house with the sleeping babes while I go get my mom and stepdad at the airport.

Friday afternoon will be crazy with my in-laws here and the babies at daycare. Maybe we'll pick up the babies early so that my inlaws can play with them while I get some alone time. I told my mom that I'm going to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning while she, my stepdad, and my inlaws hang with the kids. I think she thought I was joking. Mom? (She reads my blog.) I'm only half-joking!

For now, I'm off to call the caterer.


Christine said...

I hope the memorial gives you some peace and closure. Glad things are better.

Yankee T said...

Things sound much better on the baby front. I'm sure you will make the memorial service beautiful and perfect for John and his legacy of love. Thinking of you-

soralis said...

You have a lot on your plate right now, thinking of you.

Jolene said...

poor babies! Gosh, you've had it rough recently. I'm so sorry. I truly hope the babies are back to themselves completely soon. Good luck with John's memorial...I'm sure it will be nothing short of amazing and his memory will be honored beautifully.

Smileygirl said...

So many people live their entire life and never experience that happiness that you speak of with John. It's so unfair that it was so short lived but you were meant to experience it so that you'll never settle for anything less. In time when you're ready, you'll have that ideal to strive for. It's just one of the many gifts John gave you and continues to give to you. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort in your memories each and every day.

halfmama said...

Glad to hear the kids are both doing better.

Good luck this week/weekend. I hope you do get some time to yourself and you can find some peace.