From a
comment left by
akeeyu at
Julie's blog:
Death is a finite experience, whereas being a surviving spouse is an Energizer Bunny version of Hell.
From a fortune cookie that I got at a Chinese restaurant weeks before John died. It was one of the last times we went out to eat together. We had just picked up the twins'
big-kid carseats, which we bought used from another mom of twins. On the way home, we drove by a Chinese buffet restaurant, and we had to go. John had a thing for buffets. Part of his Asian heritage. Anyways, on to the fortune:
Every burden is a blessing.
Whoever wrote that fortune had not walked a mile in my shoes.
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19 comments:
Can't say I agree with that either. Sounds like a bunch of BS to me.
This isn't going to help much especially since I haven't been in your shoes but I think it is working on that "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" principle... I'm not saying it is right (especially from your POV) but I think that's what they were going for when they wrote it.
You are an amazing woman, your blog is fascinating. I really admire you.
Of all the unhelpful words of pseudo wisdom. Shred and forget, I think.
And meanwhile, - you are so right that few of us can imagine how things really are for you - but please know that we are sending waves of love adn prayers for all of you.
As a parent of a teenager who has died, I hate the "He is in a better place". Don't ever say it to anyone who has lost a spouse or child, because they will not appeciate it (makes it sound like there is something wrong with our house & home). I also hate the "How are you doing?" cause I always have to lie, if I told the person the truth, it would shock the shit out of them. Sometimes I just want to say "My son is dead, how do you think I am doing?" but much to polite to actually say it.
Sending you hugs through the internet.
I got ticked off a bit ago by the stupid quotes on Starbucks cups and let loose in a looooooooong post. The short freaking quotes that look oh so clever? I think I would like to take the author to the cemetery with me. Or you know, through one of my bad days... You think that would help? Nah, me neither. Prepackaged wisdom is too shiny.
I too hate those, "Well it was just meant to be," and "Let's look at this positively," kinds of quotes and get irked by the people who insist on saying them. Sometimes it's better to say silent (hear that fortune cookie makers?) than to say anything at all.
Wouldn't it be great to get a blank fortune that, on the flip side, said, "We spared you from our drivel. You're welcome."
Hey--who makes you look at the fortune cookies?
I'm so sorry. Grief is such an overpowering emotion. These days I'm coming to grips with a new and frightening pain that I won't disclose for awhile. Needless to say it makes me a much more empathetic person. Here's to better fortunes!
Maybe Akeenyu should start writing fortune cookie notes? Sounds like she has more of a clue than those fortune cookie people.
Oh, and Anonymous- go away if you can't be nice.
PS- I meant the second anon comment about don't read fortune cookies. Not the parent of the child that died. Should have been more clear with my snark.
Well, 20 years after losing my beloved husband at age 30, I have to say I have had many blessings as a result. I also have to say that I would rather have been less blessed...I would not wish the experience on my worst enemy
The kind of people that say that sort of thing are generally frantically trying to justify why you should put up with bad shit. But I mean, come on.
I got a twisted version of the same sentiment with 'But it will make you a better doctor' from some nitwit as consolation for terminating a baby with a fatal birth defect after infertility.
Again, come on. I'd much rather be a still pregnant, slightly less well rounded medico.
Arggggh.
I have never been told to look on the bright side of death/illness/random bad crap by someone who was enduring the same death/illness/random bad crap. (Although many of them are quick to point out that their situations are sooo much worse, or that they know exactly how you feel.)
I wonder why that is. Maybe we should ask those helpful spiritual advisors, because they seem to have all the answers.
Slim
Fortune cookie writers, and I use the term "writers" very loosely....must be failed greeting card "writers".
The fortunes are so trite and silly and meaningless, arghh!
Thinking of you and the twins, I hope you had a nice weekend.
I'm the anon who said "who makes you look at the fortune cookies"---I didn't mean to be unkind---just wanted to make you think. I, too, have been through some incredibly tough times, as many of you have. You only have so much emotional energy---don't waste it on something that is possibly only going to make you feel bad.
It wouldn't be so bad if real, flesh-and-blood people didn't insist on spouting those fortune-cookie sentiments. If I never hear a variation on "You just have to have faith" or "Everything happens for a reason" again, it will be too soon.
Well, jeez, now I kind of wish I'd said something more uplifting.
There really is no up side to grief and pain and loss. NONE.
Snick -
Walking in similar shoes, a few months ahead of you, I'm just now to the point where I'm finding the blessings in the burden. Like you, I'm getting myself in much better shape. I have to for the sake of my kids - I gotta stick around as their only surviving parent. That's a blessing. I'm gaining a lot of self-confidence raising my 3 by myself and doing it fairly well. That's a blessing. I've developed some excellent friendships through this hardship. That's a blessing. There's no blessing in having lost Anna, for sure, but there are blessings as side effects. Sometimes I have to look really hard to see them.
I hope as you continue on your journey that the fortune doesn't seem quite so absurd at some point.
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