Today I am exhausted. I took a nap for the first time since John died. I'd gone outside with a book, intending to enjoy the perfect weather and read a bit, but I didn't even last five minutes before I was back inside and in my bed. I fell asleep hard and fast, and if I hadn't had to go get the twins, I would have kept sleeping.
My whole body hurts. The kids had colds all weekend, so maybe I'm coming down with something. I think, though, that it's more likely that all of the grief and the doing is catching up with me. I felt leaden today, unable to think clearly, barely able to muster the energy to do what needed doing around the house.
Maddie and Riley were cranky after daycare today. I think after three days of pretty mellow at-home time, they were a little overwhelmed by all of the goings-on. I was thankful that a friend was over to help me with bedtime as an extra set of hands is especially welcome when small people have the crankies.
I've been puttering around since my friend left, trying to find something appealing to eat, passing the time before 24 comes on at 9:00 p.m. I'm ready for some mindless TV.
When I woke up at 6:30 this morning, all was silent on the baby monitor. By the time I was out of the shower at around 6:45, both kids were awake. They were both laughing uproariously, totally entertained by each other. It was so much fun to hear. I almost hated to interrupt them by going in to get them up, but I wanted in on the action. I wish I could have kept that sound and feeling of their laughter with me all day. I replayed it in my head, but it wasn't the same.
I want John back.