14 May 2007

Tired Ramblings

Today I am exhausted. I took a nap for the first time since John died. I'd gone outside with a book, intending to enjoy the perfect weather and read a bit, but I didn't even last five minutes before I was back inside and in my bed. I fell asleep hard and fast, and if I hadn't had to go get the twins, I would have kept sleeping.

My whole body hurts. The kids had colds all weekend, so maybe I'm coming down with something. I think, though, that it's more likely that all of the grief and the doing is catching up with me. I felt leaden today, unable to think clearly, barely able to muster the energy to do what needed doing around the house.

Maddie and Riley were cranky after daycare today. I think after three days of pretty mellow at-home time, they were a little overwhelmed by all of the goings-on. I was thankful that a friend was over to help me with bedtime as an extra set of hands is especially welcome when small people have the crankies.

I've been puttering around since my friend left, trying to find something appealing to eat, passing the time before 24 comes on at 9:00 p.m. I'm ready for some mindless TV.

When I woke up at 6:30 this morning, all was silent on the baby monitor. By the time I was out of the shower at around 6:45, both kids were awake. They were both laughing uproariously, totally entertained by each other. It was so much fun to hear. I almost hated to interrupt them by going in to get them up, but I wanted in on the action. I wish I could have kept that sound and feeling of their laughter with me all day. I replayed it in my head, but it wasn't the same.

I want John back.

23 comments:

Gloria said...

I'm glad you got to nap. They are the best, and hopefully it was refreshing for you. I hope the kids get over their colds soon!

LauraC said...

I've been following your blog for awhile as a lurker. You inspire me for so many reasons, foremost being the way you have handled tragedy with such grace. Those little babies are so blessed to have you.

Hope you feel better soon.
Hugs from another twin mom.

Cibele said...

I wish you could have him back!
Hope you fell better soon

Rachel said...

Napping is always a good thing. I am glad you had a friend to help out tonight.

It must be so hard to take care of the twins when what you really need to do is wallow. Sending good thoughts your way.

Julia said...

Grief wipes you out. Please be gentle with yourself.

laughing mommy said...

I wish there was something to say to bring you comfort. I'll pray for you.

Olivia said...

i hope you get to snag more naps and that the kiddos recover from their colds quickly. i hope you feel better soon, and i want you to have john back, too.

Amy said...

Hoping you do not get the cold too, that would suck. Glad you snuck a nap in and hope you get more in when you can. Naps are fabulous for mom's with young ones, like a new start to the day when you wake up.

Sorry you are missing your John and wish there were something tangible we could do for you...

Be good to yourself.

Kathryn said...

Grief is exhausting - you're going through so much on so many levels all at once - so grab naps whenever you can.
Hope twins feel better soon, that you avoid sharing their lurgy, - and, oh, I wish there were more we could do.
Love and prayers carry on.

Melany aka Supermom said...

This made me want to go right over and hug you. LOTS and lots of thoughts are coming your way.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Hugs.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

I'm just imagining the sound of the twins' laughter. What a wonderful sound it must be to hear in the morning. I hope you get more time to nap. You need your rest. There must be so many times in the day when you ache for John. I wish you could have him back, too.

Christine said...

Good for you for napping. Sounds like you're having a grand old time with your twins, at least. I continue to think of you often.

And I wish you had John back, too.

lct said...

Oh, honey, I'm sorry to hear about your rough day. And I'm sorry about all you've endured these last few weeks, monthes, years. I think of you often wish I could help more. Get as much rest as you can and hopefully that will help a bit.

bg's Little Sis said...

Naps good...hugs to you...go away cold, and keep on with the laughter.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

jo(e) said...

Naps are important for both parenting and grieving. I hope you have some peaceful days ahead.

Leggy said...

Sigh- I wish there was a way to bring him back.
Being very tired seems normal given all you are dealing with (single parenting, grieving).
Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I read often and comment little. I will try to be better about that. I'm so sorry that John can't be with you physically, I have a feeling he is right there in spirit. I wish you could have him back!

Jolene said...

I wish you could have him back with you too. You are handling grief, parenting and every day living without your husband with such grace. You are truly an inspiration. I started reading your blog recently and shortly after, my family was invaded with the evil monster that is cancer. I only hope that we are able to handle it as well as you did...and have been. You are am amazing human being.

Yankee T said...

Aw, Snick, of course you do. I wish I could make it so. Sending loving thoughts.

buddha_girl said...

Snick, I wish you had John back as well. I don't think it matters how much joy the enfants heap on you - you're grieving for the immense loss of your love.

You are doing the best anyone could possibly expect right now. I'm in awe of your ability to put one foot in front of the other these days.

Dorcasina said...

Oh boy, do I know the feeling. I am so sorry there is not some more tangible way to send support and encouragement.

I still want my husband back, every day, although I can report that the overwhelming dreariness of grief does lift a bit, with time.

One thing I found helpful was to have good friends continue to pop in, even if all they did was drink wine and watch AI with me. The empty post-kid-bedtime house, even if you need the downtime, can be pretty awful.

Sending virtual hugs.

Angela said...

I'm glad you had a chance to take a nap, sorry it couldn't have been for longer. That's such a great story about the twins having such a good laugh in the morning with each, so touching and sweet. I guess it's mornings like those that keep you going.

I really wish you could have John back too. Sending you hugs and good thoughts.