11 May 2007

One Month

When I picked up the kids from daycare yesterday, one of the women who works there asked if Maddie and Riley would be in today. "No," I said, "they will start full weeks next week."

"Oh, right," replied M.* "Well, since I won't see you tomorrow, I wanted to be sure to let you know that we'll be thinking about you extra hard, since it's an anniversary day and all."

All I could muster was a blank stare and a befuddled "Um, thank you!" I desperately tried to think of why today would be an important day. Then it dawned on me. One month since John died.

I recovered enough to add a, "That really means a lot" to my reply and accept the hug that M. offered me. Honestly, it really hadn't occurred to me that today marked the one month point. I know that the milestone dates are hard for a lot of people, but for me, today is just another day that John isn't here. It's no harder and no easier than any of the other days when he's not here. It sucks no more and it sucks no less.

I anticipate that the days that will be hard for me are ones like Father's Day. Our anniversary. The days that are just ordinary days, like today, are days of general, dull, achy grief.

One month, though, already.

I miss you, Goose. I wish you were here to see how much Maddie and Riley have grown and changed. Look! The twins got over their fear of the big bathtub and now like to splash and play in there together. I know you'd appreciate a couple of gratuitous naked baby shots.



I hope that you know that we are OK, that we are surrounded by people who love us and take care of us and make sure that we get the help and support we need. I hope you hear me talk about you all the time with the kids, that you see them wearing the outfits I know were your favorites, even as the clothes get too small. We miss you all day, every day, and we send you our love all the time.

XO


*I suck at giving pseudonyms.

17 comments:

Linda said...

Dates never meant as much to me after my mom died as events did. Milestones of my kids talking, riding bikes, going to school . . . each time they did something new that she wasn't there for, it was like she died again.

I'm glad you're surrounded by a loving support system.

Kathryn said...

Fathers day is indeed a bummer (my dad died ON Father's day, when I was 18 - a long long time ago) ...

Lovely photos.
I'm sure John does indeed know how you're doing, and all those feelings you share - and must surely be proud of your courage. One month is an achievement - and the day care staff aren't the only ones who are thinking and praying for you all today.

Anonymous said...

Your children are so beautiful :)

Yankee T said...

Is it me, or does Riley look amazingly like John? They both have definite traces of him, but Riley especially.
Lovely babies, lovely post, and glad you have support. Sending love to all of you.

Christine said...

They are gorgeous.

Tigger said...

Hard to believe it's been a month already. Like Linda mentioned, it's probably going to be the events rather than the dates. Life tends to go by while we're struggling to live it and events are what mark the passage of that time. I'm sorry she reminded you...although it's very sweet that she realized it.

Your babies are absolutely adorable!

kim said...

Beautiful post to John...

I can't believe how big the twins have grown! They look great - you're doing a terrific job with them! (And for your previous post: stick with what works. It doesn't hurt for them to have some alone time in the cribs; I have a 7am rule with my little one too.)

Lisa said...

Beautiful, beautiful babies. I hope you have a happy Mother's Day!

Menita said...

Beautiful children.
I think of you a lot.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

What beautiful children!

liz said...

Your children have the sweetest faces.

Rev Dr Mom said...

(o)

The babies are so beautiful.

BethGo said...

I didn't even know him (except through your blog) and I miss him too.

Snickollet said...

YT--

When Maddie was first born, she was like a little John clone. Now, though, people say that she looks more like me and Riley more like his dad, and I tend to agree.

Kimberly said...

What cute kids. I love the difference in hair.

Gloria Yang said...

I wish an internet *hug* from a stranger can help ease the dull ache.

terry said...

reading this broke my heart all over again.

he misses you too.