Took Thursday off work. Had a nice day with GH, running errands, eating lunch out, just being together, crying and laughing. It's just absurd to talk about where you want to be buried and have it be a legitimate conversation, you know?
Friday my brother- and sister-in-law arrived for the weekend. The timing was fortuitous because I was slated to work at the yard sale for my local moms of twins club. Sure, I could have gotten out of it, but I was actually really looking forward to it. It all worked out because GH basically spent all day Friday in bed. He was just exhausted and could not get up. His mind felt hazy and his body followed suit. It was scary, especially since his oncologist said that if his liver continues to fail, the main symptoms will be sleepiness, nausea, and difficulty eating, all of which he has had in spades over the past few days. He might also have pain, but so far that's not a real issue.
Today I worked at the twin sale again, leaving GH and his siblings in charge of the kids. Thank goodness the sibs were here as GH was often out of commission, although he was better today than yesterday.
I feel so sad and so angry. It's terrifying that suddenly GH's physical condition is palpably worse. I don't want to spend our time together talking about managing his family, making plans for us to get a roster of friends signed up to help us in the evenings, and taking care of chores.
I'm planning to be at work next week, but to start laying the groundwork for a leave.
Honestly, I feel like I'm an actor in someone else's life. This can't really be my life, can it?
Oddly, one of my coping mechanisms since Wednesday's appointment has been retail therapy. I abhor shopping, yet suddenly I want to spend, spend, spend. I have directed my urge to spend towards the twins. I got them sun hats at Target on Thursday, then went a little crazy at the twin sale. I found some really cute clothes for cheap, and a bunch of fun toys: a bead maze, a shape sorter, a Little Tykes ride-on/push car, a Little Tykes pizza oven, a Melissa and Doug tool box, a Fisher-Price popcorn popper push toy, and a few puzzles. The kids are thrilled. They are loving the Little Tykes car, although it's a tad big for them. I can't wait for warmer weather to put them in their new summer clothes.
My sister- and brother-in-law had to help me put the twins to bed tonight; GH wasn't up to it. My sibs-in-law were great, but the kids know the difference. Riley was so upset that I had not been the one to change him into his pjs that he sobbed for almost 10 minutes when I put him in bed. I finally had to go in and rock him for a few minutes, sing him a song, and try again. He went right down then. Poor little man. Maddie coped better, but shed a lot of tears on the changing table when GH was not there to get her ready. Sigh.
Our consult with Mr. Big Important Doctor is Wednesday, although Mr. BID is on vacation, so we're seeing one of his colleagues. I'm trying to keep the faith, but I have to tell you that I'm losing ground daily. GH's condition has so clearly declined sharply in the past few days.
I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. I don't want to share GH with anyone right now. I want him all to myself for as long as I can have him. Oh, there are so many things that I want, so many things.