We're back in Boston. We made it through Chicago on Saturday just in time to avoid the snowstorm, thank goodness. Travel delays are no fun at any time, and I can only imagine the special circle of hell that is a long travel delay with two infants and a terminally ill husband.
Our trip was great. I loved having the time with my family, seeing friends, getting away for a night with GH.
The only bad part about the trip is how hard it was to leave. I know, I know, I need to adjust my attitude. I live here, there are a bunch of reasons that moving right now would be a bad idea, and I have a good life: great friends, nice house, etc.
But this is not home. Oregon is home to me. Mentally, I'm done with living here and every trip to Oregon makes is harder for me to focus on the good stuff that I have here. I know moving to Oregon would not be all wine and roses, but I just want to be close to my family. I feel so mentally fragile right now, and my family keeps me stable in a way that my friends in Boston don't, can't.
As soon as we got home on Saturday, all of my anger and resentment and hard bitterness just came right back. I felt irritated at GH for needing to take a nap, irritated at myself for being irritated, immobilized by the thought of needing to go to the grocery store, tired and cranky in general. I just felt overwhelmed, like I always feel. That feeling was gone when we were visiting my family. Granted, we were on vacation, staying with my parents, with helping hands all around and no need to do anything except relax and enjoy ourselves. I know that's an artificial reality. But I still keep coming back to how much I miss my family and the Oregon lifestyle. I hate winter out here. I hate the airport. I hate paying tolls to drive on the roads (even if I know it's a good way to create revenue to maintain them). I hate feeling like a single mom a lot of the time. I hate my job.
Some of the things I'm dissatisfied with here are not Boston-specific, to be sure. Some of them I have the power to change. But I feel tired, overwhelmed, and more inclined to just complain. Great! I am a laugh a minute.
I could also make a gratitude list of all the things I love about living here. But again, I feel tired, overwhelmed, and more inclined to just complain. At least for now.
It doesn't help that Maddie is sick (double ear infection + conjunctivitis), I'm sick (massive head cold + conjunctivitis), and Riley is kind of sick (minor cold + maybe conjunctivitis). Ugh.
Maybe I just need winter to be over? Although I can hardly complain as we've barely had a winter to speak of.
In sum, we're back. We're here. We'll muddle through. Work is exceedingly busy (although evidently not too busy for me to post!), but I'm working on catching up with my regular blogs. I've missed you.