27 February 2007

Home

We're back in Boston. We made it through Chicago on Saturday just in time to avoid the snowstorm, thank goodness. Travel delays are no fun at any time, and I can only imagine the special circle of hell that is a long travel delay with two infants and a terminally ill husband.

Our trip was great. I loved having the time with my family, seeing friends, getting away for a night with GH.

The only bad part about the trip is how hard it was to leave. I know, I know, I need to adjust my attitude. I live here, there are a bunch of reasons that moving right now would be a bad idea, and I have a good life: great friends, nice house, etc.

But this is not home. Oregon is home to me. Mentally, I'm done with living here and every trip to Oregon makes is harder for me to focus on the good stuff that I have here. I know moving to Oregon would not be all wine and roses, but I just want to be close to my family. I feel so mentally fragile right now, and my family keeps me stable in a way that my friends in Boston don't, can't.

As soon as we got home on Saturday, all of my anger and resentment and hard bitterness just came right back. I felt irritated at GH for needing to take a nap, irritated at myself for being irritated, immobilized by the thought of needing to go to the grocery store, tired and cranky in general. I just felt overwhelmed, like I always feel. That feeling was gone when we were visiting my family. Granted, we were on vacation, staying with my parents, with helping hands all around and no need to do anything except relax and enjoy ourselves. I know that's an artificial reality. But I still keep coming back to how much I miss my family and the Oregon lifestyle. I hate winter out here. I hate the airport. I hate paying tolls to drive on the roads (even if I know it's a good way to create revenue to maintain them). I hate feeling like a single mom a lot of the time. I hate my job.

Some of the things I'm dissatisfied with here are not Boston-specific, to be sure. Some of them I have the power to change. But I feel tired, overwhelmed, and more inclined to just complain. Great! I am a laugh a minute.

I could also make a gratitude list of all the things I love about living here. But again, I feel tired, overwhelmed, and more inclined to just complain. At least for now.

It doesn't help that Maddie is sick (double ear infection + conjunctivitis), I'm sick (massive head cold + conjunctivitis), and Riley is kind of sick (minor cold + maybe conjunctivitis). Ugh.

Maybe I just need winter to be over? Although I can hardly complain as we've barely had a winter to speak of.

In sum, we're back. We're here. We'll muddle through. Work is exceedingly busy (although evidently not too busy for me to post!), but I'm working on catching up with my regular blogs. I've missed you.

11 comments:

kim said...

We missed you too. :)

I'm realizing daily that I crave a family support network as well. It just sucks that the hubby rejected all of the schools that he got into near my folks, in favor of the one that keeps us here. Until 2010. And who knows where residency will be. Do you ever have days where you feel like you're stuck on a ride that you didn't necessarily pick, with no easy way off? *sigh* Sorry for the venting, but it looks like we're both having the same kind of day. But I'm very glad to see that you're back! And I'm sending lots of get-well-soon hugs to you and the twins today!

Christine said...

We missed you, too. Glad you're back. :)

What you're going through is totally normal, Snick. You've been through a lot of transition -- the birth of twins, GH's illness. It's normal and natural for you to want to be close to your family. You're an awfully long way away from them. But it sounds like you have a good support system out here -- including, dare I say it, us blog people.

On a related note: While my husband's illness is not as grave as yours, it causes him incredible fatigue at times. I get mad at him for needing to sleep, too! I want to spend time with him after working all day, and he conks out on the couch at 9 p.m., not to be awakened. Sometimes I even yell at him to wake up! Just wanted you to know it's not just you. :)

Rachel said...

I'm glad you're back, and that you were able to relax during your time there. I can understand why you would want your family around you.

Hope things improve soon. Hugs.

Marie-Baguette said...

It is great that you had a full week with your family. Being away is hard. Your kids are so cute, I love looking at their pictures. Take care. Bonne chance with everything

Rev Dr Mom said...

Glad you had a good trip and a good time with your family. Hope everyone feels better soon.

Vix said...

Delurking to say: missed you, too! Glad you're home safe and mostly sound :)

laura said...

It sounds like life is so hectic right now. I hope you can take a minute (or five!) to just chill out and do something for yourself. Hope you and the twins can recover soon!

Angela said...

So glad you had such a nice time and were able to spend some time alone with your husband.

So sorry that coming back home is so hard. You and your family are going through so much, you are allowed to feel stressed and irritated with your husband as well as feeling overwhelmed and need to vent, please don't be so hard on yourself,you are truly amazing. Keep on venting, it's good for the soul. Hope you and the kids feel better soon.

bg's Little Sis said...

So happy you all made it home ok and that you had a wonderful time too!

On the other stuff, we've been there. I caved and we eventually moved to be closer to family. It was hard, but good for us in retrospect. I do hope that someday you can be closer to them, it does make life easier in many ways, but it's still life right:)

Hope you all are feeling better soon!

Yankee, Transferred said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yankee, Transferred said...

Oh, dear, even though I don't have anything like the bucketload of concerns that you have right now, I so know how you feel about being home. Boston IS my home, and always will be. And every time things get tough here I am a rolling ball of resentment. I want to be home. I want my family near me. I want my old friends.
Sorry things are so tough. I can't empathize, but I can sympathize. And I do. With all my heart.