24 December 2006

Christmas Eve

I have been an emotional roller-coaster today.

GH's nose is still bleeding, off and on. That scares the holy living shit out of me. Plus he has awful acid reflux that has given him a sore throat that has driven him to take Oxycodone along with the usual lozenges and tea with honey.

I'm tired of complaining.

I'm tired of being scared.

I'm tired of not getting what I want.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of cancer.

I'm tired of feeling like I get the short end of the stick.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I'm tired of always being in charge.

I'm tired of making decisions.

I'm tired of posting complaints and sob stories.

Speaking of sobbing, I just listened to Riley SOB himself to sleep, and I mean full body shaking, red, angry sobbing, for 20 minutes. My back is so tense I feel like I might break in two. Riley is overtired.

Maddie went right down for her nap. She was just sleepy. Just right.

GH is napping, too. Not sure if he's sleeping, but at least he's resting.

I don't expect perfection, but this isn't the Christmas Eve I wanted. GH and I can't talk because his throat hurts too much. I'm frustrated that he doesn't feel well, so I lash out at him because there's no one else around. We squabble, and we're not squabblers. The babies have been cranky. I'm convinced that Riley has it out for me because of the CIO.

GH tells me to wake him from his nap when I need him. I find this difficult. On one hand, I need him all the time. On the other hand, I need to learn how to be without him. I know what he means, but it's still hard for me to judge.

Riley keeps making short outbursts every few minutes. I think he's actually sleeping, just not soundly.

As for me, I may be tired, but I'm wide awake.


Yankee, Transferred said...

Aw, Snick, I'm so sorry. I don't blame you for being tired of all of it. I know it must just be so difficult, all of it. Shit, man, I wish I had the answers.
I hope it helps that I send my love and kindest thoughts your way, always,

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today and wishing you peace.

luolin said...

I'm sorry you're having such a tough holiday. I hope you get some respite soon.

Rachel said...

That sounds so hard. Hugs. I hope things get better there soon. I'm praying for you and your family.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Oh Snickollet, I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I wish some moments of peace for you with GH and the babies soon. Hugs.

BethGo said...

This all sounds so tough for you and GH. I am thinking of you.

Christine said...

Sweetie, be easy on yourself. You have a rough row to hoe. I think you are doing a bang-up job and have every right to complain. Merry Christmas, and I love looking at your babies. :)