People often ask me if I'm excited for the babies' arrival, or say things like, "You must be getting so excited!" when I tell them when I'm due. I generally glibly reply, "Oh, yes, of course!" without thinking about it much. I'm having twins, for crying out loud. Of course it's exciting!
But at the same time, when I really stop to think about it, excitement isn't necessarily the first thing that I'm feeling. Frankly, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. There is some excitement in there. There's some apprehension. Fear. Joy. But overall what I'm feeling is . . . well . . . nothing. I find it incomprehensible that in two weeks (exactly! from today!) I will be the mother of two tiny babies. I'm sure I'll experience all kinds of intense emotions as I go to the hospital for the c-section, during the surgery, when I see them and hold them for the first time. But for now, I almost don't believe it's happening. It's too much for me to wrap my mind around. When I try to get a sense for how my life it going to change, it seems futile. I don't think I can understand it until it happens.
So yeah, excited in the abstract. I've been waiting a long time for this. The real excitement, though, is yet to come.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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2 comments:
Wow, so soon!
I remember that feeling. I don't think I was really excited either, until I actually met the baby (and even then, for a few hours at least, I was too freaking exhausted to care.) You are right, no one can tell you, and nothing really prepares you for parenthood. I always tell people that it's both more amazing and harder than you think.
You'd think people'd have a little more sensitivity? How the hell can you be excited with all that's going on- as your tagline says- pregnant with twins, fighting twins, trying to stay awake.
You've got a lot on your plate and its no wonder you probably don't spend a lot of time thinking about how exciting the future will be when you are just trying to get through the day to day.
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