About three weeks ago, GH and I were laying in bed, talking about cancer and how much we hate it, and our conversation took this turn:
ME: I'm so tired of waking up in the middle of the night to cry.
GH: You do that too? I thought I was the only one who did that.
So it was revealed that we cry during the night on the sly. I find that those late-night wake-ups are when the tears are most likely to come. I've got enough going on during the day--both simple distractions that need my attention and fun things that truly keep my mind off the sad stuff--that I find the tears rarely come during daylight. But if I wake up at 2:00 or 3:00 or 4:00AM and my mind gets going, or if I just look over at GH and think about how much I love him, it's waterworks. But quiet waterworks as I never want to disturb his sleep; he needs all the sleep he can get.
Last night was one of those nights, but it was different in that it was the first one for which we were both awake. There wasn't much talking, just a lot of sniffling, eye-wiping, nose-blowing, and snuggling until we finally both dozed back off. I'd say we were awake for a good hour total, although GH said that he'd been tossing and turning for a while before that.
I sometimes think we don't do enough crying together, but the truth is that neither of us want to "waste" our time together crying. I know that it's not a waste of time, but we'd both rather focus on the happier things. That's not always realistic, but for now it's the way things work out for us.
We don't have any plans tonight and I'm glad. I think we need a little date night for the two of us. GH actually stayed home today for a mental health day and to get some much-needed sleep after last night. I'm going to meet him at home for lunch and suggest that we do something tonight for the two of us: dinner out, a movie, whatever. Just something to distract and pamper us the night before going back to chemo. Although I trust GH's oncologist to have a battle plan, we're sure to get some unwanted news about the cancer's progress, and I think an evening of pampering before that is in order.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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5 comments:
I hope you had fun, Snickolett. Check out my Monster Blog post about crying about my husband's illness:
http://monster.typepad.com/monsterblog/2006/01/should_you_cry_.html
I also cry at night while he's sleeping. I don't want him to see how upset I get. I adore him beyond words.
I would think you guys were not normal if you didn't cry. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad that you can find solace and comfort in each other as you go through this awful time.
Aw, Snickolett, I'm so sorry. I hate that you have anything to cry about. I wish I could help.
Sigh. I'm sorry for all the tears you two must have shed, but I hope it was some form of healing for the two of you to share that hour last night.
I wish I could do more.
I did most of my crying in the shower, where the noise of the water didn't really drown me out. I don't know if my husband cried much; he did, but had a kind of acceptance/tolerance that in retrospect seems a bit eerie. I hope he cried as much as he needed to.
And of course you need to cry together, but don't forget to let yourself have your own feelings--I know I did/do feel awful about feeling sorry for *myself* in all of this, but if I hadn't, I'd have gone mad.
Hoping your oncologist has the connections, the magic and the goodwill you need.
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