23 January 2006

Weekend Meltdown

I actually said the words "Right now, GH is dying" aloud this weekend. To real people. In a restaurant. Not just any restaurant: IHOP. As we ate pancakes.

It sucked.

I was out with friends, catching up after not seeing each other over the holidays and into the new year. They asked about GH's treatment. And, because I'm tired and it's been a rough few weeks, I was really, really honest. Let's face it: he's not getting treatment right now, the cancer is growing, and for all intents and purposes, he's dying.

People have a tendency to assume that because GH is still working, looks and feels pretty well overall, and that we're having twins, he must be "better." He lost his hair for a while, but it came back, so he must be cured. Ha ha! I wish. But no. We never made it clear to people when he was diagnosed that this is a terminal disease, partially because we weren't ready to admit that (and often I'm still not), partially to protect people, and partially because it's just so fucking deomoralzing and we wanted to keep all of our spirits up.

Overall, I don't regret that decision. You never know what might happen, and a part of me continues to believe that there is a way we can beat this. But there are times when I wish that I'd been more clear with people so that when the going is tough and I need to work out feelings on death and dying and loss, people weren't so taken aback.

In better news, we had a great weekend with my mom and stepdad. It was amazingly beautiful weather. We ate lobster, took a long walk, watched football, and my mom and I cooked a lot, which we always enjoy. It was fantastic. Wish I was still doing that instead of being here at work. Only two hours 'til quittin' time. I can probably makke it.


lct said...

Still listening out here. I have become more and more conscious of the true gravity of the situation through reading your blog entries. I admit the idea of GH dying was very abstract for me over the last year, for many of the reasons you mention. Your honesty in the blog has definitely been a wake-up call for me, and you should NOT, for one moment, feel at all guilty for not "protecting" me or anyone else. Your friends and family love you both and want to help and support you. You've got enough on your mind without worrying about shielding the rest of us. Sorry to sound like I'm scolding you; I don't mean it that way. I just want you to know that it's perfectly okay to put your own needs and GH's needs first and above all others. You know this, right?

All that being said, I remain so very sorry that you two are going through all this. I truly wish I could ease the burden in some way.

Sarah said...

Hi, I can't remember how I found your site, but wanted to say that i totally understand the need to be brutally honest about life/death sometimes.

I found myself this weekend (while out to eat with friends) saying things like, well if i make it past the point where my body may kill a baby then i can start worrying about spontaneous uterine rupture and my own death. There's some great brunch talk for you!

And I am so sorry about your husband. I know words don't really mean anything, but i still felt the need to say them.


Leggy said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry. That's really all I can say because anything else just seems dumb. I'm sorry you have to go through any of this and I'm sorry that your dreams keep getting revised further and further downward (eg, going from getting married, have kids, live happily ever after. Then it was get married, survive cancer, have kids. Then it was get married, have kids before cancer wins. Now its get married, watch husband go through hell, have kids without really knowing how long GH will be with you or them.)