11 January 2006


That might be a bit grandiose. But something occurred to me a day or two ago, as GH endured yet another marathon lecture from his mom over the phone about the same old shit. The lectures, they are endless! GH will often just put the phone on the table next to him and go about his business, checking every five minutes or so to see if she's STILL TALKING. It's crazy. And it gets especially crazy when things take A Turn for the Worse, which is certainly what things have done lately.

But here's what occurred to me: I don't think GH's mom has ever really, seriously thought about the fact that GH could die. I'm sure it's crossed her mind, but I don't think she's ever let the thought stay in her conscious mind for a while. It's not a thought one wants to eagerly welcome, that's for sure, but it's a thought that I feel like I have to let myself ponder and accept as a part of my reality just so that I have some level of prepardness should it come to pass.

I know we all have different ways of coping with things, and GH's mom just might not be able to handle the idea of GH dying. Goodness knows it's not an idea I enjoy, it's just an idea that I have to acknowledge so that I'm able to reject as 100% out of hand some of the crazy shit she's willing to promote as a way to keep GH alive. While both GH and I take his disease very seriously, there has to be a balance between cancer obsession and actually living a "normal" day-to-day life. For his mom, any way of life beyond Cancer 24/7 means that we're not doing everything we can to fight. She just doesn't accept that sometimes dinner and a movie is the best thing you can do.

Speaking of fighting, GH is enrolling, or trying to enroll, in a clinical trial at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. The trial has shown to be effective in a few pancreatic cancer patients, which is promising. But you have to have a platelet count of 100K to enroll. GH falls well short of that, and has for months. The study doc is going to petition the drug company running the trial for an exemption and seems confident that we'll get it. I sure hope so, because if that doesn't work, we're pretty much out of obvious options.

On a more positive note, I saw the twins last Friday. They look good, and all of my vitals were where they should be. I have to go in for a thyroid check next week, then we'll have The Big Ultrasound on 27 Jan at which point we should find out if we're having boys, girls, or one of each. Hooray! That will be fun.

Thank goodness there's something to look forward to.

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