I have spent three of the past sixteen days at home in Oregon. The twins and I went away for the weekend before Thanksgiving (Friday evening to Sunday evening), then left for Michigan early on Monday morning. We returned on Friday afternoon, then I left on Tuesday morning on a trip for work. I returned home yesterday, Sunday evening.
All the travel was good. The Thanksgiving trip, for all the anxiety leading up to it, was our best trip ever to the in-laws. We're all finding our way—although I will not use the loaded phrase moving on—and the kids are at an easier age for both travel and interaction with others. It was good, it really was.
The work trip was good, too. Getting back into the routine of life, though, after two weeks out of the loop, was hard. Work itself was a snap. Things aren't too terribly busy right now, and I was able to just eeeease on in. But at home, kids saved things up for me and got to stay up late to wait for me and they are tired and trying to share all sorts of things that happened while I was away. Meanwhile, I'm tired and launched into both a busy week and the fray of the holidays and I feel every bit as overwhelmed as I did when I wrote my last post.
I'm struggling so much right now to accept where I am. It's one thing, and a hard enough one at that, to accept that my house is not as organized or clean as I want it to be, or that we eat the same five meals over and over again, or that just today it dawned on me that I need to start ordering Christmas presents. It's another thing to be so stressed out that I don't have the patience to be kind when I help Maddie and Riley with their homework, or to hurry along Riley's conversation about his Suzuki violin concert anxiety because the kids are wicked overtired and really need to get to bed on time. My whole body feels siezed up with tension. I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing. Somehow, I'm getting done everything that must get done, but it feels like none of it is done well or right, and I can't figure out what to let go.
I'm saying again what I said in my last post. It all just feels like too much, but I'm at a loss for what to cut back. I was hoping some of the break would help me to feel restored or give me a fresh perspective, but I'm right back where I was before we left.
Maddie and Riley's only extracurriculars are classes that happen at their school right after school, so we don't have classes or activities that are taking our time, ergo we can't cut back there. I have to go to work, barring a major restructuring of our lifestyle. I'm involved in a committee at our church that takes some time, and I'm seriously considering giving that up because I just can't sustain it right now and it's breeding resentment. But the bottom line is that school, work, and the work of a house is as much—if not more—than I feel like I can handle right now. Yet there's not a lot beyond that to trim back, and so I feel stuck.
I have this feeling that if I keep writing about this, some kind of solution or help will reveal itself to me. I apologize to those of you reading, as I must sound like a broken record.
We sang a great song in church on Sunday, and the lyrics seem both a propos and worth sharing. The song is called "Give Light," by a folk duo called Magpie.
Give light, and people will find the way.
Give light, and people will find the way.
Give light, and people will find the way.
People will find the way I do believe.
Teach peace, and people will find the way.
Teach peace, and people will find the way.
Teach peace, and people will find the way.
People will find the way I do believe.
Stand together, and people will find the way.
Stand together, and people will find the way.
Stand together, and people will find the way.
People will find the way I do believe.
Give love, and people will find the way.
Give love, and people will find the way.
Give love, and people will find the way.
People will find the way I do believe.
Give light, and people will find the way.
Give light, and people will find the way.
Give light, and people will find the way.
People will find the way I do believe.
Things feel in a period of transition to me right now, and I'm not sure what the transition is all about. I find these periods draining and mysterious. "Give Light" is grounding and hopeful, and with a wise perspective. In a gentler moment tonight, I reminded Riley that he needs to do his best and trust that what happens next is what is supposed to happen. I need to remember that for myself. For tonight, that means get my chores done, order a few Christmas presents, go to bed early. Sing through the hard times (a concept from another good folk song for times like this, by Utah Phillips, I leave you to look up the lyrics on your own). What happens next is what's supposed to happen.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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6 comments:
No words of wisdom, just a little virtual camaraderie. Things seem hard right now but they will ebb again and in the meantime know that all kinds of strangers out there are sending their (our!) kind thoughts and support. Life as a working mom to young kids is just tough, tough, tough sometimes. I feel the same way and I know how very lucky I am that I have a partner in house shouldering some of the daily logistics. Go easy on yourself - we are sending you light!
It is really hard. I tend to jump to solutions so: Would your budget allow for cleaning help? Dropping laundry off for wash and fold? There is nothing wrong with the same 5 meals; that was middle-class standard for a long time.
And I want to say this cautiously, having come from a home where there really was no room for my feelings/priorities/etc. but...I truly believe that parenting is /a relationship./ And a relationship means both people's realities. I have pretty much an 80/20 rule in my head. Yes, I should aim for being present to my children's lovely stories and their need for attention 80% of the time. 20% of the time I am going to be human and say "my darling son, I so want to know about this but it is late and we are both tired so, bedtime."
Because that is a gift. We all want to know how to raise generous, thoughtful kids. And one way to do that (besides meeting their needs as best we can) is to give them the opportunity to experiment with giving to us. Sometimes the darling son will pitch a fit, or even be sad. Sometimes he will say okay mummy.
You can give your kids the chance to understand that evening when it is just not happening. I think some of us Gen X/early Gen Yers think that because some of the 70s sort of offhanded benign neglect had a big downside, we can NEVER do that. I think it's ok.
I hope this helps and doesn't add to the feelings. It is not intended as such.
I understand your feelings because I have them too. I am married with two daughters, ages 9 and 12. I work part time. I also feel stressed and overwhelmed with trying to keep up with everything. I'm barely keeping my head above water... throw in the holidays with decorating, visiting, buying gifts and I simply can't get it all done. There are evenings that I trust that my children have done their homework and don't check it or help them with it because I am just too tired. I suppose I have to let go of the desire for a neat house and just smile and enjoy life and my family. Sometimes that is easier said than done. :-)
Tammy
I'm reminded of this story my sister tells: She was working at a shelter that helps women in crisis (e.g., homelessness, abuse, addiction, etc.), and one of the regulars hadn't been around in a while. When the regular popped in for a visit one day, Jen asked, "Where have you been? I've missed seeing you!" and the woman said, "I'm in college!" Jen said, "That's wonderful!! How did that come to pass?" And the woman said, "Well, I had been praying and praying to find a job, and I just wasn't finding one. And then one day, I realized I was saying the wrong prayer, because it presumed that what I needed was a job. So I started praying to be ready for the next thing. And that day I ran into an old professor of mine, who told me about a scholarship program at the college, and here I am."
I wonder if there's something similar there for you? Instead of trying to identify how to create more capacity, maybe the question needs to be bigger and broader. Like, "How can my life feel good to me?"
There is some beautiful wisdom in the comments thus far. I don't have any to add. Just chiming in with sympathy.
I'm surprised how often, in the midst of our busy/overwhelming daily life, Jrex says, "I wonder how Snickollet does it?" We have other friends with twins, but I think his Korean/cancer connection makes him worried for you. This post is part of the answer. You aren't perfect, but you're trying and you keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's more than many people manage (I just read a post about homeless folk in Chicago).
I'm a single-mama-by-choice to twin 3-year-old girls. We are living in parallel universes! I laughed out loud at your comment that we eat the same five meals. I feel overwhelmed most of the time, too. There's just not enough mama to go around! I think the holidays make it much worse. In addition to the regular meal prep/shopping/laundry/house cleaning, there's all the holiday stuff. And you want everything to be memorable for the kids! What helps me is that my mom sends her housekeeper to my apartment 2 days a month. Also, I say a polite "no" to 99% of all invitations where kids are not involved. I tell people I'll get back to them when the girls leave for graduate school! Glad your trip went well, and sending good thoughts your way.
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