08 September 2011

Kindergarten

Tomorrow is Maddie and Riley's first day of kindergarten.

I feel like I'm less nostalgic about it all than most parents. I have many fond memories of early grade school, and I've always loved order and routine, so even when the teacher wasn't great or I struggled with the lessons, I remember feeling comforted by the routine of it all. I often find as a parent that it's hard for me to move past my own memories and expectations, so now, as Maddie and Riley prepare for this new adventure, my instinct is to assume that they are eager for it to begin, as I was. They give no sign to the contrary; frankly, the seem completely ambivalent.

It's true that they are going to the same school they went to last year, but now for a full day instead of a half. Still, I think going to a familiar place with some familiar faces makes the idea much less novel. We met their teacher on Tuesday; she is all business. To her factual statement and no-nonsense delivery of, "I have 28 kids in this class and no teacher's aide. I need parent helpers." all I could reply was, "I'm a single working mom; it's impossible for me to commit to a regular volunteer schedule, but I'd be happy to help with any kinds of tasks that can be done at home." I felt guilty, that working mom guilt, but it passed pretty quickly.

The working mom guilt is strange. I find that my guilt relates less to not being with Maddie and Riley, who have been blessed with excellent caretakers and seem to take my working in stride. My guilt comes when I think of all the parents that are in the classroom once a week, twice a week, maybe more; the parents who run the PTA and teach after-school classes; the parents who host Maddie and Riley for playdates. There is a vast array of unpaid, underappreciated volunteers who have a significant impact on Maddie and Riley's daily life and learning. I take full advantage of that—not in the sense of abusing it, but in the sense of benefiting from it—and yet I rarely give anything back to that system. This is not something I can change right now, and my guilt is overwhelmed by my immense gratitude that others can pick up that slack mixed with frustration about our school system and the fact that there is so very much slack to pick up. Alas.

I remember when Maddie and Riley were babies, when John was so sick and then shortly after he died. I remember thinking how very far away this day was, this day when Maddie and Riley would be in school full time. It was impossible to imagine. I won't say that the time has flown. In some ways it has, but in others, not at all. I think the difficulty of the first two to three years of our lives together makes it easier for me to be less nostalgic about this rite of passage that so keenly marks the end of baby, toddler, and very early childhood into this age of the school years. That is not to say that these years will be easy, or even easier. But it feels significant to say goodbye to a period of Maddie and Riley's life during which it was often hard for me to appreciate all that we had together, and when I was often sad and frustrated and feeling alone despite their presence.

Tomorrow morning the kids are allowed to wake me up at 6:30 a.m. There will be baths and showers and new clothes. There will be a choice of lunch to pack or buying lunch at school. My mom and stepdad will come, and we will all walk to school together. Pictures will be taken, the milestone noted and celebrated. Kindergarten. Dios mio.

19 comments:

Mizasiwa said...

Congrats on getting to this point! I have loved reading your words here and thank you for them.

Arwen said...

Don't feel guilty for being a working mom. 1) You have no choice. 2) Kids need to see the reality for 90% of the world where moms have to work. 3) Most of the volunteers I encounter at school are working moms like me. I volunteer whenever I can in class and I co-lead Girl Scout and work 50 hours a week. When I ask any of our girl's stay at home parents if they could help with XYZ, they are always too busy.

I can't believe your school has 28 kids to 1 teacher. That's poor government IMO. My daughter's kindergarten class has 12 kids, 1 teacher, 1 aide, various "specials" teachers PLUS parent helpers. Of course, I'm also in a Title I school in a state that's below 45/50 in education so I don't know how much extra hands actually do.

Don't beat yourself up. Most parents don't volunteer and have less excuse than you. Help when you can and where you can.

Amy said...

Don't feel guilty. I'm a work at home Mom with 3 kids and a 4th due any day now. I have never, ever volunteered for an in-class event, PTA committee, anything. I'll cheerfully buy supplies for class, party favors, whatever the class needs, and I've created flyers for the school at home, but I cannot physically be there. Nor, quite frankly, do I want to be. My oldest was in kindergarten last year, and every event had a "no siblings" policy. Well, with a (at the time) 3 year old and a 1 year old, that left me out.

But it always made me wonder why a class of 22 kids with one teacher and TWO aides needed parent volunteers for craft projects.

Gina said...

Congratulations! And isn't it nice to have a life milestone where there isn't a lot of anxiety? I often find that I am not anxious about the things that I "should" be, but do get worked up over things that other parents don't care about.

I don't really see myself as the volunteering-in-the-classroom parent either - and I don't have nearly the very valid justification that you do. With two younger children and a part-time job, and the desire to do things for my family like, oh cook healthy dinners I don't think that I will have a lot of time to do so. And quite frankly, while I love being with my kids the idea of being in a room full of five/six year olds does not sound fun. I would not have made a good teacher of young children. =)

We also have very high 25+ kids, no aide, student to teacher ration where I am at (Pasadena) and I don't think the lack of parent volunteers is the problem - I think the lack of support for schools on a government level is.

Anonymous said...

I stay home with my kids and volunteer at their school, and I watch one of my son's friends after school one day a week while his parents work. I am extremely grateful to have a way to contribute something, and I never feel resentful toward parents who already have their hands full with work/several small children/etc. Don't feel guilty on my account, is all I'm saying.

Sheesh, this is a such a hot-button topic that I'm on eggshells, worried I'm going to offend someone.

Wabi said...

It's nice that you appreciate the moms who volunteer during school. Before I went back to work full time, that was me. And I just wanted to say that I also really appreciated office-worker parents who donated the supplies, food, or cash needed for activities I did with the kids. There are plenty of different ways to contribute.

Sandy said...

I agree with what others are saying! It all comes together when parents do what they can. One year I couldn't contribute financially to a Moms Group I was in. But I was grateful for other chances to give back (e.g., subbing for chilccare staff). I had more time and less cash that year!

You are such a great mom!

michiganme said...

I volunteered a lot in my kids' classes but I didn't do much of the fundraising work that so many parents do. I was always grateful for the folks who put time & energy into those activities. Oh, and all those mom & dads who coach the sports teams---BLESS THEM!

Sandi said...

If it's any consolation, I am a teacher and we call all those PTA moms the "mommy mafia". Read "Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads" and you will feel a lot better and a lot less guilty.

Rachel said...

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty. But I have felt that way too. I was working at night when K was in kindergarten, so I was able to volunteer regularly. Not so now (although I pitch in occasionally when I can.) On the first day of school she came home with a list of maybe 20 - 30 "volunteer opportunities" from the PTA, most of which take place during my work hours. I am grateful to the parents who are able to do all those things, but I just can't.

Anyway, like you said, the problem is not that you aren't volunteering enough; it's that the parents have to do so much because our society as a whole doesn't support education. Volunteering is a band-aid that isn't going to fix the larger social/ political system.

Anonymous said...

I'm a teacher and the sahm complain about the working moms to me all the time. I don't know what they are thinking but I haven't a minute to volunteer at my own kid's school b/c of all the things I have to attend for my classroom. Honestly having so many parents in the classroom is stifling. I used to teach older kids and it was nice that the good parents just sent their kids to school with lunch, homework done and dressed appropriately. Let the kids be independent at school!

OTRgirl said...

Well, you may not be saying it, but the time HAS flown! I've been reading your blog this whole time and I can't believe it's been five years. Wow. I appreciate that you're taking it in stride. With our first coming in the next month, it's strangely comforting to think how fast the baby phase goes by. I've never been a big baby person, though I really enjoy kids of all ages once they're a little more interactive. I'm looking forward to getting to know our son though dreading the first few months. Somehow this post reminds me to take it as it comes and enjoy each phase.

Anonymous said...

You shouldn't feel bad at all about being a working parent. I'm a SAHM with 4 kids and there is only so much I can do as far as being in the actual classroom. Two of mine are not school age yet and toddlers + classroom events = bad combination! I know teachers do need some help from time to time, but I do think it's gotten a little crazy. My mom is constantly shocked at the "requests" that are being sent home by my kids teachers...she doesn't remember anything but the standard holiday parties when we were little! My neighbor just got an email from her daughters teacher looking for a parent volunteer to "decorate her bulletin board throughout the year". Seriously...she can't decorate her own bulletin board?!?! As long as you can send in a few things from time to time and show up for the Christmas Party, you are good!!!

Left-Handed Housewife said...

Just wanted to say that I have a schedule that allows me to volunteer at my kids' school, and it's never occurred to me to resent that parents that don't. We all do what we can. I'm sorry to read the comment about the SAHM moms who complain about working parents who don't volunteer. I've not heard those kind of complaints voiced where I am. Really, the best thing you can do is send well-loved, well-fed, well-rested children into the classroom; that will make everyone's job a lot easier, whether you're there hanging up the streamers for the Halloween party or not.

frances

Anonymous said...

Forget grade school--my children are still in full-time daycare, and parents are STILL asked to volunteer on a regular basis. This usually consists of bringing food for parties and showing up for them at 3:30PM (and boy howdy, do they have a lot of them!) or chaperoning field trips (usually only about two a year). I have tried to do my fair share, but I feel like, the whole reason my kids are in full-time daycare is because I work, you know, FULL-TIME.

I have heard from other mom friends that most volunteer activities in elementary school are during the day. I find this extremely ironic, given that the majority of mothers (and fathers, of course) work during the day. If we are going to do "majority rules" shouldn't most of the volunteer stuff take place at night or on weekends?

Anyway. Sorry for the rant! Please tell Maddie and Riley good luck!!!

Michele said...

My girls started about a week ago, and I get what you're saying about the guilt. They've always been in full time daycare, so they never knew anyone whose parents stayed home. It was natural for them to be someplace all day. This morning I heard, "Mom - why don't I get to go home when the other kids do? I'm the ONLY ONE who doesn't get to go."

I use almost all my vacation time to volunteer and help out when I can. That said, I'm skipping the first PTA meeting tonight to actually spend time with my kids.

suz said...

I was reading recently something that Forrest Church said, his mantra to living well is: Do what you can, want what you have, and be who you are.

I think it's a good thing for the single working mom to remember (I fall in this group). Just do what you can.

The Fam said...

Kindergarten? Piano? New house? I have a lot of catching up to do!

I hope they love it all. You too.

lightshines said...

Oh goodness, don't feel guilty. I too am a working Mom. I am not able to volunteer in the class every week. I can do a couple of class parties a year and provide a snack or drink when needed. I send extra supplies for the class or things that may be asked for.