The mornings are no picnic. But then again, the evenings have their own challenges. It all gets back to that endless cycle of weekday logistics. That seems to be what's stuck in my craw these days. I've discovered in my 4.5 years as a parent that the conventional wisdom about changes taking hold with kids is true: give it two weeks. Quitting the pacifier? Two weeks of rough times, then you're good. Daylight Saving Time? Two weeks and the adjustment is complete. Hopefully my surface-level frustration with the weekdays will return to its normal level after two weeks of fretting; by my count, I've then only got a few days left.
I got home tonight to a scene of tranquility. The kids were playing Zingo* with Zulma, the chicken pot pie was in the oven and already smelling good. I was greeted with smiles and hugs, which was lovely. But I had not even the time to set down my bag, in fact, I was barely through the door, the door which had yet to even be shut, when I got hit with, "Mama, can I play Angry Birds? Mama, can I play Angry Birds? MAMA CAN I PLAY ANGRY BIRDS????"
Jesus, kid, can I set my coat down?
Of course, I have no one but myself to blame on this front since I introduced Riley to Angry Birds. Now I'm in a position of having to negotiate media time when I'm not really ready to do so since I have yet to determine what I think is appropriate.
So for tonight, I first said no, let me get my coat off please and figure out where we are with dinner. Well, in doing that (with nonstop running commentary/input/feedback from two kids talking at the same time), I had my back turned on Riley for an instant in the kitchen, and he did something we have talked about not doing at least fifty thousand times. He moved the cleaning lever on the oven door into the locked position and the oven thus entered self-cleaning mode. With the pot pie in it. Which wouldn't have been such a big deal except it was seriously stuck.
Did I mention that I was so hungry I was about to rip off Maddie's juicy leg and eat it raw?
I turned the oven off. I mentally ran down a list of other options for dinner (pats of butter? slices of cheese? apple wedges on the side?) while I yanked on the handle of the oven and tried not to yell at Riley, who was clearly feeling plenty bad about what he'd done. It just slays me how I'll tell them not to do stuff, explain why doing the stuff I'm asking them not to do is bad, and it takes it happening for them to believe it. Why am I surprised by that? I'm often the same way.
So Riley's out in the living room sobbing on the couch, but begging to play Angry Birds through the tears. Maddie is in Best Behavior mode to make up for Riley's transgression with the oven. I'm still starving and yanking on the oven, which, miraculously, gives in and releases. I cheer and announce victory. I reset it at the right temperature. I go to console Riley. He curls up on my lap and hugs me hard. I hug back. I settle in for some snuggles to make us both feel better. He struggles to get free, still sniffling. "Let me hold you a bit," I implore.
"But I just want to play Angry Birds," he says. "Not snuggle."
Now I really want to scream, at myself. I let him play, but make him take it into his room where the music won't taunt me with my own foolishness. He's only 4.5 and he wants to play a videogame rather than snuggle me, even in a time of emotional distress! FEH. It always surprised me how much things like this truly hurt, truly get down deep for me emotionally, even though I know perfectly well what it feels like to be so obsessed by something, so engaged by something, and on top of that, he lacks the emotional maturity to think beyond that obsession to how his actions could have an effect on me.
Things turned around a bit from there. Maddie helped me with dinner. Riley complained bitterly about what was being served, but didn't cry, and heated up his own Smart Dog rather than eat pot pie. What a nutter. Oh, yeah, well, then there were the tears when we had a "race" to get into our pajamas. I started the race before Riley had his sweatshirt off! There's still progress to be made in the dealing with competition.
It's just the same thing over and over, some evenings with fewer crises, some with more. Some with none! Some with nothing but. Tonight was somewhere in between, as most of them are. It wears me out, all this, these days.
And now it's on to the chores of the evening. The trash needs to go out! The laundry needs to be folded! This is the stuff of life. It comes off as so whiny and complaining, but that's truly not the spirit in which I log it. I write it just as a record of where things are these days, how so very much there is to do, knowing it's the same for most all of us even if the exact stuff of our lives varies from person to person. It seems in a way pointless to chronicle, but for some reason, tonight, I really needed to write it all down.
*Games have gotten much better. Guess what? It took about two weeks for the serious tantrums about winning and losing to settle down. We still struggle with competition, but at a level that seems more appropriate for a child than the insanity of our first forays into competitive gaming. Also, we played some cooperative games in Utah with great success and much enjoyment by all.
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16 comments:
Video games--I declare they have "taken over."
And you are certainly right about the hurt--my grandsons
barely speak to me anymore, as every time I see them,
their heads are down--playing a game with great intensity--
"Na-na" is the whine I get if I try to get them to chat with me. They DO play other, more imagination-driven games,
and they both play organized baseball. But more often than not, when I see them, they are too engrossed in their
ITouch or DS games to bother with even a "hello"-- unless
their mother insists. It's come to the point where, at least for now, I've just given up. In other words, Nana doesn't "come 'round" much anymore. I've decided to focus more on alone time with hubby and my own interests. I miss seeing the boys, but it's just not the same anymore (two are five and one is eight). Being with Nana just doesn't interest them like it did when they were toddlers...they have "more important" things to do--like play video games...
Oh, I have had this evening, more times than I care to remember! And then I shudder and think about how impossible it seems to add HOMEWORK into the mix once my 4-year-old starts kindergarten. I am already physically dreading the fight every night.
My son Lloves Angry Birds, and he won't take no for an answer when he asks to play it (if he asks first). I, too, need to start figuring out an approach to "gaming" type stuff, I guess. We have also started reading chapter books to him on the Kindle, and I regret introducing it because now we have fights about THAT, too.
It's like kids take everything that's fun, HAVE the fun, and then take the fun TOO FAR. There is no moderation at all.
I hope commiseration instead of advice is what you were looking for, because that seems to be all I can give!
I'm there with you on the never-ending round of responsibility and chores. My life is work, chores, more work, more chores. Oh, and winter? Now do 10 loads of laundry every week for the 4 people who live here. My husband does some dishes to help, and he cooks dinner often. But with 12 hours days being typical plus the weight of logistics and chores for our little family, it's exhausting. There is no time for anything else.
Oh, and the gaming? Just do not get them a DS or other personal gaming thingy. One of ours is begging for one. His classmates have them, which boggles my mind. Some have had them since kindergarten. We went as far as getting a WiiFit to give them something physical to do when we are housebound. That is as far as we are going. Kids are way too consumed by video games.
Sorry, that was not supposed to be anonymous!
Cora also loves Angry Birds, but can only play it when my parents are here (along with Wash My Dog and others). But, she is way into the games on PBS and she knows all about how to navigate that web site and even print from it.
Like you, I am still struggling with what and how much and when is most appropriate for us. It doesn't help that I am also kind of impressed with her for having figured so much out, and seeing her hand-eye coordination improve, too. Sigh.
In general, for me, replacement has always worked best. Now, when I get home from teaching in the afternoon, she knows I want to change my clothes before we do anything else, and she will either follow me to the bedroom, or she will go and change her clothes, too. Like you say, it takes time to establish the habit, and that time can go veeerrrryyyyy slowly for the mama.
Evenings are tough here with two parents, one of whom (me) doesn't even work outside the home! I have three kids, two of whom are school-aged and one of whom is a toddler. We are always running in the door from some late-afternoon activity, trying to make dinner while cracking the whip with the two older kids to do their homework, practice piano, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying to coordinate dinner being ready at the time when my husband gets home, but he never gets home at a predictable time.
Thank god he is there to help with dishes and bedtime, because I am *exhausted* by the end of it all!
Don't even know what to say about screen time/video games. My 8-year-old son wants to be playing DS or be on the computer all the time. Sometimes I just have to declare a screen-free week to restore a semblance of sanity. I'm no good at doing the strict daily limit thing--it just doesn't work with my personality I guess.
I always enjoy reading your posts. Even though you mentioned that it might be pointless to chronicle these things, I think it is wonderful that you write about about your every day life with your kids. It's something you can share with your kids when they get much older. My kids are 16 and 21 now and I wish I had a blog back when they were growing up so that I could read what a day was like back then and maybe laugh, because I know when I was going through it there were many tough days! :)
Oh- I chuckled out loud when I read the first paragraph -I have always felt and said that phases last from 2 weeks to 2 months! Good luck with this phase- I am a bit ahead of you with 8 and 11 year old boys - and I still have that onslaught every evening when we all come through the door (I pick them up at afterschool on the way home from work). First thing in the door- they start asking me for snacks, help downloading a song from iTunes, computer time - attention!!!!!!! Yet, I know I will miss it all....
Totally what was going on with my boys, 4 & 6. I went to Target and bought a bottle of glass globs for vase filler. I set each glob (called "jewels" by the PR department) equal to 15 minutes of screen time. We started out giving them 10 a week, but quickly changed to earning two a morning by getting dressed, with no parental help, in 10 minutes int he moring. Not dressed in 10 minutes, no jewels. Also, we sometimes give out extras for particulary nice behavior or fine them for aggregious behavior. Takes 8 to watch a regular movie, and it limits Angry Birds. Mostly it limits me trying to impose limits because I think they ahve too much screen time while they whine- they just get jewels, and if they don't have any they can't play/watch. Haven't had anyone complain about it much- mostly they are just being Stepford children. MAybe it'll wear off over time, but right now it's lovely three weeks in because it gets them concentrating on how to be nice to earn jewels rather than begging to wear me down about screen time.
AM
OK, well - I'll warn you now - there is an "Angry Birds" movie coming out in April, as well as a new Angry Birds app.
http://kottke.org/11/02/two-new-angry-birds-games-coming-soon
You've been warned!!!
I like anonymous' strategy with the glass jewels. With my oldest, now 13, who was a reluctant reader, she had to read to earn game time, and it maxed out at 1/2 hour a day. She was supposed to read first, though we fell down in that area a lot-promising to read later doesn't work as well.
It's a little easier to manage so far with my almost-five year old. She doesn't demand to play daily, so we haven't had to set major rules for gaming with her. I do think making some standard rule and sticking to it is the key-doesn't matter so much WHAT the rule is (we don't play games til after dinner; if you get your jammies on without asking you can play for 10 minutes; in our family we never play games until 7:00; whatever). My kids totally buy into the "In our family we never/always....watch Pokemon...wear belly shirts...get married til we're thirty". They just kind of shrug and accept it. YMMV, of course.
And yeah, the after work crazies are just, well, parenting. I was a single parent with an hour long commute for too long, and I pretty much wrote off the evenings-quick dinner, a little TV, reading, bed. If we could get through that with minimal tears, it was a good day.
I like anonymous' strategy with the glass jewels. With my oldest, now 13, who was a reluctant reader, she had to read to earn game time, and it maxed out at 1/2 hour a day. She was supposed to read first, though we fell down in that area a lot-promising to read later doesn't work as well.
It's a little easier to manage so far with my almost-five year old. She doesn't demand to play daily, so we haven't had to set major rules for gaming with her. I do think making some standard rule and sticking to it is the key-doesn't matter so much WHAT the rule is (we don't play games til after dinner; if you get your jammies on without asking you can play for 10 minutes; in our family we never play games until 7:00; whatever). My kids totally buy into the "In our family we never/always....watch Pokemon...wear belly shirts...get married til we're thirty". They just kind of shrug and accept it. YMMV, of course.
And yeah, the after work crazies are just, well, parenting. I was a single parent with an hour long commute for too long, and I pretty much wrote off the evenings-quick dinner, a little TV, reading, bed. If we could get through that with minimal tears, it was a good day.
Thought of you the past couple of nights when the boys came home from daycare and wanted to play on the Wii before they even made it through the door.
Also, I haven't introduced them to Angry Birds, but I had to stop playing it myself because it was making me crazy.
@Keen:
I have yet to introduce them to Wii. I'm resisting.
Have you played Cut the Rope? Riley is also way into that one; it's pretty fun.
Obviously, you are the "authority" figure when you get home who makes decisions over who get to do what. Either empower "Z" to make decisions before you arrive or prepare for the decision making when you there. Maybe he should get to play the "bird" game before you arrive (sorry, I don't remember the name of the game). Maybe a board game or making something like "Valentine's" would be fun?
Maybe have a few "end of the day" choices for Riley to choose from, pre-dinner, or pre-Mommy activity games/etc that he can do before you arrive ~ then he can show you what he's accomplished.
He's probably so excited to see you but if you're short or angry when he meets you at the door he'll probably remember your reaction (sorry but true) so try to train him to be quietly "excited" to see you! He'll be so happy to please you. Boys love their Mommy's....I didn't believe it but its true! :)
T
I don't know what Angry Birds are but is sounds ominous.
Do you think Z could play a game in the kids' room with them around the time you are expected home? That might enable you to have 5 minutes to get your bearings. (This was my husband's frequent gripe so now I either make sure the girls are in their high chairs or playing in another room when he gets home.) Everyone ends up happier.
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