Au Pair Logistics/Details

A few people have asked me for an overview of how I decided to host an au pair and what the process was around actually finding Z and getting her here to the U.S. Without further ado, here's the scoop, keeping in mind that this is based on my experience and understanding and that I'm not any kind of official source for au pair information.

WHAT IS AN AU PAIR?
Definitions will vary, but the kind of au pair that Z is and the kind I was interested in hosting are young adults (18–26) who come here on official au pair status through a Department of State program. I think there are ways you can sponsor someone you know to come to the U.S. on an au pair visa, or ways to hire someone to do live-in childcare that is more ad-hoc, but I wanted to do a regulated, established program because it makes things a lot simpler to organize. The process and rules are clear and someone else is taking care of the paperwork.

The link above will give you a ton of information about the rules and regulations of the au pair program. The main points are the following:

• You must provide the au pair with her own bedroom. It needn't be anything fancy, but it has to be her own, private room. You also provide her with food to eat. You also need to provide her with reliable, safe transportation, but this could be anything from a bike to a bus pass to use of your family car to her own car.
• Au pairs are paid a weekly stipend set by the U.S. government. Currently that rate is $195.75/week.
• Au pairs can work up to 45 hours/week (although no more than 10 hours in any 1 given day). You are required to give your au pair consecutive days off per week and one full weekend off per month. Au pairs also get two weeks' paid vacation per year. You negotiate mutually agreeable dates for that.
• Au pairs will do any work around the house directly related to the kids: the kids' laundry, cleaning their room, preparing meals and cleaning up after, etc.
• There is an educational component to the program. You are required to pay (up to $500) for your au pair to take a class of her choosing during her stay. You also need to help her find the class—it could be through a community college, a local university, or really anywhere.

For the record, I keep referring to the au pairs under the assumption that they are women, but there are some agencies who sponsor male au pairs as well.

PROS AND CONS
Maddie and Riley have been in a home daycare, an independent preschool, and had a live-out nanny, so I have experience with quite a few types of care. While I think all of those situations have their advantages and disadvantages, here are the advantages I see to having an au pair:

• Flexibility with the hours. Forty-five hours/week is quite a lot of hours, and they can be totally flexible. Z works from 8 a.m. to noon every day, then again from 3 p.m. to 5:30 p.m., so 6.5 hours/day. (M&R are in preschool during the afternoon break.) This means that if I want to go out in the evening, those hours are covered as long as I don't exceed my 10 hour/day limit. Also, when it's school break or a late start day or an inservice day, I'm not scrambling around to figure out childcare. Z is there!
• Language and culture. M&R have been in some type of Spanish-speaking care since they started daycare at four months. Their public preschool program is Spanish immersion. I love that they are getting their language skills reinforced at home and that they are learning about another culture. Z cooks Bolivian food for the kids and tells them about her life back home. The kids love hearing these stories.
• Help around the house. I think that Z is particularly helpful, so this may not be typical, and I have emphasized to her that she goes beyond the call of duty. That said, I'm not complaining that the house is always neat as a pin and I have pretty much not washed a dish since she came to live with us. I no longer think about what M&R will have for lunch; Z takes care of it. So, so helpful.
• Logistics of someone working for you. The au pair program and agency take care of much of the logistical hassle of employing someone. The au pair agencies usually require the au pair to purchase health insurance through them, so there's one hassle taken care of. The tax implications are straightforward. The rate is set for you, so no worries about how much to pay, raises, etc.
  

I can only think of two possible disadvantages, and one is actually an advantage for me:

• Someone else is living in your house. For me, this is an advantage, but for some families, this can seem like an intrusion. I'm extremely social, and I'm single, so having someone else around is actually really nice. For some families who like more privacy, I think it can feel overwhelming to have someone else around all the time. We welcome Z on all of our family activities if she wants to come, but that might not be OK with everyone. Something to consider.
• You're dependent on one person. Just as when you have a nanny, if that one person is sick, it can be a problem.

THE COST
I mentioned above that you pay your au pair $195.75/week. What a steal for full-time care, right?! It is, but not quite as much of steal as you think. Unless you have the temerity to find and sponsor the au pair yourself, you're going to have to go through an agency, and the agency will have fees. I used Au Pair in America and I paid them around $7,000 in up-front fees to get Z here. I also paid for her airline ticket from New York (where she had her training) to Portland. I will need to pay $500 for her educational component. And I'm feeding her and buying her a bus pass and paying for her cell phone every month.

All that said, it's still cheaper for me to have Z with us than it was for me to pay for private preschool in the morning and an afternoon nanny. I'm saving about $5,000 this year for a situation that works *much* better for our family.

I think there's a misconception that live-in au pairs are only for very wealthy families. I'd venture to guess that any family paying for full-time childcare for *two or more kids* in a city of any size in the U.S. would break even or save money with this option.

CHOOSING AN AU PAIR
To choose your au pair, you have to first choose your agency. The two biggest agencies are Cultural Care Au Pair and Au Pair in America. I wanted one of the bigger agencies because they have larger applicant pools and more established support systems. That said, they can be more expensive and I'm sure the smaller agencies are fine. Our former live-out nanny originally came to the U.S. with Au Pair in America, and she said she enjoyed the program and had felt well supported, so that was a point in their favor for me, too.

Once you choose your agency, you fill out a family profile and send in some photos talk to a counselor (or this is what I did; I'm assuming it's much the same from agency to agency). Once your file is complete, you can either search the database of available au pairs yourself or have the agency screen applications for you based on criteria that you provide. The number of available au pairs is overwhelming, so I had the agency screen for me. You are able to see quite a lot of information about the au pairs: photos, their educational history, an essay in English about why they want to be an au pair, notes from interviewers about how the candidate presented herself and how her English is. I will say that au pair shopping felt strange to me in the way that online dating feels. There's something a bit dehumanizing about specifying criteria and then choosing people from a lineup. But you do have to make a real connection with the candidates as you must conduct a phone interview with anyone you are serious about inviting to the U.S. You can do this via Skype (if the au pair has access) or regular phone or whatever works for you.

I found the experience of making our match with Z somewhat like choosing a college. Once we found Z, it just felt like the right fit. I had three final candidates, and I'm sure they all would have been fine. But Z seemed like a part of our family from the first time we talked. That's not very scientific, but it seems to be working out quite well.

Once you make your match, the agency takes care of helping the au pair get her visa and arranging for her travel to the U.S. Then you just wait for her to arrive!

I'm happy to answer specific questions about the au pair gig. There are also lots of blogs out there written both by au pairs and by host families. I have certainly found it to be a great solution for us, but like anything, it's not for everyone.

7:40 p.m.

The kid are sleeping. We had a really fun evening. I got home from work early, and we spent fifteen minutes or so playing around on the new gymnastics mats in the basement, doing somersaults and airplane lifts and making human sandwiches (that sounds so gross, but you know what I mean).

Then it was dinner, one of those marvelous occasions on which the main course (butternut squash soup) was enthusiastically received by all and carrot (Riley) and celery (Maddie) sticks were consumed with gusto.

Off it was to the bath, where no one threw a tantrum when the bubble machine didn't work and there were no tears about hair washing or combing out. We had extra time for stories, we sang an extra song, and the light was out by 7:25 p.m.

And now, here I am with a glass of wine and my after-bedtime snack. I have a couple of bills to pay. There's a load of laundry about to shift to the rinse cycle. I could write some thank-you notes.

But the dishes are washed, the play areas are clean, there's no need to pack lunches. This post is really an ode to Z and how she has transformed our lives in the past two months. She delights in the kids, and they in her. I've been able to hear their Spanish skills just explode. Taking care of Maddie and Riley is clearly her priority, but she is also a huge help to me around the house, which has freed up my time in ways I did not expect and have yet to really learn how to manage. I find myself now in the evenings with my chores done well before 8 p.m. and the whole evening stretched out before me. Usually I manage to fritter away my time on Facebook or end up asleep by 9:30 p.m. I haven't been so well rested in years, and it feels really great.

I'm not terribly surprised to find that I love having another adult in the house after hours. Sometimes, once the kids are sleeping, Z and I will cook something together or just spend time socializing. It's nice to hear stories about what the kids are doing and to help with questions Z has about life in the U.S. Often, Z will spend the evening on her computer or on the phone, visiting with friends, but just knowing that she's here and that I have backup if something goes awry is a huge load off my mind, and an unanticipated benefit of having a live in au pair.

I have wanted for some time to get an au pair, but the circumstances were never right either logistically or financially. It was worth the wait, though, and my hunch that this was a good solution for our family has been confirmed. It's nice to be headed into 2011 with such a settled, happy feeling: my job is stable and mostly good, the kids are in a good place in school, and the childcare situation is so much more than that.

Now it's 7:54 p.m. I need a few more snackies to get me through the bills. Then I think it's time for an episode of Mad Men and some reading. I started To Kill a Mockingbird a few days ago. Not sure how it could be that I've never read it before, but there you have it. What a luxury to have time to spend on these things, on myself. I am well aware of this gift.

Sore Losers

I got Maddie and Riley a couple of games for Christmas: Zingo and Sequence for Kids. I enjoy playing board games, although not with the fanaticism of some, and 4.5 seemed like a good age to introduce some simple gaming into our lives. In fact, the idea was Maddie and Riley's; they had a game day at school before the holidays and came home raving about how much fun it had been.

The games were given not much more than a perfunctory glance upon opening Christmas Day, but the idea of playing Zingo was received with much enthusiasm in the afternoon. We unpacked the game, got set up, read through the rules, and the gaming was underway. There was some confusion about the rules, but in general, it was all fun and . . . yeah, ok, that was lame.

Then Riley lost.

And Riley threw the one of the biggest fits I have ever seen him throw in his life. Which is saying a lot.

He wailed and cried. He railed and whined. He placed blame and blustered. He was finally convinced to play again, but that game was fraught from the start with attempts to cheat and concern that he might possibly lose again. Although then he won, and that was almost as bad what with the gloating and boasting and self-congratulating. Maddie handled the situation somewhat more maturely, but that's saying almost nothing.

Clearly, this is a Teachable Moment. I have to say that I was completely taken off guard by both Maddie's and Riley's competitive nature. In thinking back, seeing as we have not played many games, they have not often seen gracious loss or polite winning as modeled behavior by me, so they don't have a lot to go on. But they are endlessly cooperative in most aspects of their lives and we've had lots of discussions about how being the first one to the car is not important, being the fastest one to do a certain task is not important . . . in fact, we've been talking a lot lately about the value of slowing down and being careful, so the "make everything into a race" proclivity that seems to run in all kids has been somewhat tempered of late.

It's precisely the innate nature of the desire to win that threw me for a loop. Maddie and Riley both seem to share this deep-seated desire to WIN, and to take it as some kind of personal affront if they don't. I somehow did not realize how ingrained this was in humans and in our culture, although as I type it, it seems like I must be some kind of simpleton not to have been more aware.

What I'm not sure about is what to do next. I confess that my patience for the sore losing and the boasting is pretty much zero. Maddie ended up in a 15 minute time-out* when she flipped the Sequence board yesterday after drawing an "ugly" (her word) card from the deck. Then there was wily Riley, moving chips around on the board when "no one was looking," ha ha ha. GAR. We quit halfway through the third game when I said to them, "You know, playing games is supposed to be fun, and no one seems to be having much fun, so let's put this away for now." Or maybe FOREVER.

I jest. But I am troubled and at a loss for what to do other than model good behavior. I want them to understand that it's OK to be competitive, and it's OK to want to win, but that one does not always win and that it's not OK to act out when one loses. I also want them to understand that losing at a board game does not say anything about them as a person or in any way undermine their self-worth. That sounds so far-fetched, but it all seemed so deeply personal to me yesterday that I feel like I need to articulate that and make it as clear as I possibly can.

I said all of these things over the weekend. I told them that the kind thing to do when one loses is to look at the winner and say, "Good game. Want to play again?" I have the feeling that learning how to be a good sport is going to be a lifelong journey. I just hope we can at least make it through a game of Candy Land without a temper tantrum by the time they are five. Is that hoping for too much? How do you seasoned parents teach gracious competition?

*It started out at two minutes but escalated in one-minute increments when she would not go sit in the chair, stop shouting, etc.

Christmas

I am ambivalent about Christmas. I'm not Jesus-religious, so the whole birth of Christ thing is not especially meaningful to me. I outright loathe the commercialism, and in general I'm not a gifter. John and I were on the same page in all regards here, so the few Christmases we had together were low-key affairs.

There is something, though, to this whole "Christmas through the eyes of a child" business, I have to concede that. And this year, as the fog of parenting babies and toddlers has turned into the (for me) more rewarding and enjoyable parenting of preschoolers, I've been much more in the Christmas spirit than in years past.

I come from a strong Christmasing tradition, in the most American sense. We rarely (never?) went to church on Christmas, and the Jesus part was but a blip on the radar (save my mom's loathing of the shorthand "Xmas"), but we did the secular aspect up right. We always got a huge tree right after Thanksgiving, there were lights on the outside of the house, the special Christmas glasses made an appearance, and there were gifts. Oh, there were gifts. My parents are the definition of gifters, and they really spoiled us even when times were tough. I enjoyed all of it as a kid and young adult: the fireplace, the music, the presents, the time together.

As an adult, I'm a bit shocked by my obliviousness around it all. I said "Merry Christmas!" to people with wild abandon, never stopping to think about the fact that some people weren't celebrating. I just listened to a Barenaked Ladies/Boston Pops rendition of "Do They Know It's Christmas?", that classic from 1984, and its earnestness astounds me. Do they know it's Christmas? Guess what? Many of "them" don't celebrate Christmas! Yet at the time, I remember being so moved by the gesture, so grateful for what I had, so empathetic for those who were missing out. Now the whole thing just seems so naïve, so well meaning if maladroit. Sending starving people food is a wonderful thing to do, but to condescendingly link it to their lack of awareness of Christmas? It feels so . . . well, I think I've made my point.

I overthink it all now. Do I feed into the Sana myth? How many gifts is too many gifts? How can they survive when all they've eaten for days is Christmas cookies and eggnog? How do I make them aware of other traditions and beliefs? Is "season's greetings" just a veiled "merry Christmas"? Should I just pretend it's not happening (as is my inclination)?

In the end, I'm letting Maddie and Riley be my guides. They wanted a tree, so we got one. Our guideline was that it be taller than the kids, but shorter than me. We put up lights and decorations. We've been singing our nightly songs by the light of the tree rather than in bed, and it's been charming and cozy. Maddie and Riley love the lights that are up around the neighborhood; Maddie in particular gives audible gasps of wonder at the most gaudy displays. For the first time ever, I've bought them gifts and I've enjoyed it. They have interests and desires now, clearly expressed, and it's fun to bring them the joy of satisfying those desires.

I still don't enjoy the overblown hoopla. Thanksgiving has always been my deal: family and food and time off, those are the things I enjoy. So it is with Christmas. I focus on the things that bring me joy, try not to let myself get sucked into the crazy, try to keep it simple and sweet and manageable. No malls. No last-minute shopping trips. I prefer more time by the fire and a second glass of wine.

We'll go spend the night with my mom on Christmas Eve, probably again on Christmas Day. We'll go to the Christmas Eve service at our church, for which we helped to decorate tonight. There will be football and too much sugar and too few vegetables. I might take M&R to their first movie in the theater, and perhaps we'll go bowling, as Riley has been hankering to do for months.

I love my life. Of the things that are in my power to change, I wouldn't change a thing. I am in a place of peace with most of the things I can't change. To the extent that Christmas is a time to reflect on such things, I could not ask for more.

FOILED

I had blocked out time on my calendar at work specifically for shopping at H&M today. I'd been looking forward to it for some time. But in the end, I was FOILED because there was no parking to be had in downtown Portland. Seriously. None. The parking garages were all full, and while I watched a number of folks snag spots on the street, the stars never seemed to align for me. I drove around for 30 minutes and then gave up. Looks to me like retailers are doing a good business this holiday season.

That I missed out on H&M is not a big deal; it's not going anywhere anytime soon. I am, however, annoyed that I spent my lunch break driving in circles rather than doing something more productive: shopping, running, eating, working, you name it. I guess this is my payback for laughing all the time about how Portlanders whine when they have to park more than three blocks away from their destination.

I will conclude my whine/rant (wrant?) with this thought: The number of parking spots in Portland could easily be significantly increased if every two consecutive parallel spots downtown were turned into three. Those spots are HUGE! I'm often tempted to cram my car into the space between two parked vehicles. Sam Adams, are you listening?

Rest and Recap

Apparently, I took a break from blogging. It was quite unplanned. And now, just like that, it's over!

There is much to say; I have simply been too lazy to say it. Well, that's not entirely accurate. My online access was limited when we were in Michigan, then I was sick, sick, sick for three days after we got back. Then I got lazy. Or out of the habit. Or both. Good habits: so difficult to establish, so easy to let go. Pesky!

One line summaries of life:

Trip to Michigan: Our best visit ever, hands down.
Work: Still crazy! But entering a period of calm over the holidays.
Home: We got a Christmas tree. This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Au Pair: Love! Love! Love!
Maddie: Feisty. She now finger knits. Cat capes are her next project.
Riley: All football, all the time.
Exercise: Not so much.
Holiday Prep: Better than usual. That is to say I've bought some gifts.
Desire to Sleep: High. I'm in hibernation mode this year.
John's Birthday: Was on December 7. He would have been 38. *le grand sigh*
Excitement about Shopping at the New Portland H&M Tomorrow: Off the charts.

I don't even like shopping, but for some reason, I'm totally excited about H&M. I know the quality is poor, but still! Fun new clothes!

So yes, life is just rolling along. Good times, poor blog fodder. Now that I'm "caught up," perhaps I'll be better about documenting some of the details. I feel like I needed this post to get rolling again.