I have a whole theory about regret—about how if you've lived a life with which you are happy, if you have taken opportunities that have presented themselves, if you have learned from mistakes and been willing to continue taking risks—that you will have few regrets. If you know you have made the most of what you have, what is there to regret, really? We all make bad decisions from time to time; to me, the only thing to regret is not learning from them. I may struggle with perfectionism, but I don't struggle with regret. I've lived a full life thus far, and I continue to try to walk that path.
Lately, though, there's been something nagging at me. A regret, yes, and a fairly significant one.
I think I gave my daughter the wrong name.
Don't get me wrong, I love the name Madeleine. I don't know if I've ever posted here that she's named for Madeleine L'Engle, my favorite author. When I was in high school French, I chose Madeleine as my French class name in honor of Ms. L'Engle, so in a way, Maddie is named for me, too. It's a beautiful, rich name. It also happens to be incredibly popular right now. There are three Madeleines at our preschool, and then there are the Madisons. It was important to me not to choose a name that was going to be popular. Unique, but not strange. That was my motto, and that's a motto that led me to choose the name that I wish I had given Maddie.
Ramona.
Ramona was a runaway favorite girl's name for me. Yes, it was inspired by the Beverly Cleary books, but I also just like the strong sound and relative uniqueness. The thing is that John didn't like it very much. Oh, sure, I could have pushed him and he would have gone for it. But he was not really on board. Also, the only boy name we really liked was Riley,* and I was opposed to having the kids' names start with the same letter.** Madeleine was my clear second choice, and John loved it, so that was that.
Ramona is the kind of name that requires a certain personality, at least to me. It requires someone strong, someone unique, someone singular. That's my Maddie. I don't think my sense of regret would be so strong if Mads were not so clearly a girl who could carry off the name Ramona with aplomb.
Maddie seems to like her name, and I suppose that's the most important thing. It's kind of odd, though, to have this sense that she's someone else. It's not as though I call her Ramona, but when I think of the name, it just seems right in a way that Madeleine doesn't. I don't think naming her Ramona would have changed one thing about the person that she is today, but for some reason, I feel like that name would more accurately reflect her personality and spirit.
At least I feel like Riley's name is perfect.
*Also significant: he's named in part for our reproductive endocrinologist.
**No offense to people who are into that, it's just not my thing.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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43 comments:
Remind me (if you can - my memory sucks so no worries if you can't) to tell you about Brother Nick and the and the name Maddie sometime.
For a long time after my daughter was born, I continued the debate in my mind about whether we had named her properly. How funny that you have a similar, if perhaps more pronounced, experience.
My neighbors across the street changed their daughter's name from "Melina" to "Julia" when she was a year old. Wow!
I wish babies were born already named, or that parents got about 4 years to make their final decision. I think about my kids' names all the time and wonder what would be different, if anything, if we'd chosen something different. Glad to know I'm not alone.
I love both those names, for the same reasons you do. But I think Ramona would be hard to pull off, especially because the fictional Ramona is so imprinted on everyone's mind. (And even more so now that the movie is out.)
Sometimes I regret my daughter's name, because there are a million girls with that name running around here. And I also regret her Korean name a little bit, but my father-in-law chose it, so it's a sweet way for us to remember him.
I agree. Ramona may be uncommon, but it is hardly unique because it is so closely associated with Ramona Quimby. Madeleine is a beautiful and strong name.
Yeah, Ramona is like Stella or Hazel. It strikes me as a hipster baby name. Not so much strong as perhaps defined by being contrarian or in defiance of society. Also, although twins are individuals, they are also twins and will likely spend much of the first 18 years of their lives closely associated with one another, their names spoken in the same sentence. Maddie and Riley work well. Ramona and Riley, not so much.
Well Ramona in the UK would be very very unusual as the Ramona books are not part of our childhood classics. Something happens with names - you will never hear anyone with name X and it wont be in the top 10/20 or whichever set of rankings you look at so you choose it. Then lo and behold you suddenly meet lots of babies with that name and it surges up the tables. I've seen it happen to lots of people - it happened to us too. My main test is to see whether it sounds ridiculous if you say Lord/Lady Chief Justice X Y. If it does then I choose something else. Madeleine works for me as she can be Maddy when a kid and Madeleine when she is older.
ilove your post today. I felt exatly the same when naming our kids. Its been lucky though becouse they both fit their names so perfectly (the other name we had chosen for our daughter would not have suited her AT ALL!
Its great the you dont live with regret! I wish i was like that, I regret everything and it takes a lot of my energy, If i could just stop myself from thinking in the regret it would be so much better!! Thank you for your blog your an inspiration to me.
Sorry dont know why it made me annon....
I'm still in the Madeleine camp :). Perhaps changing her nickname to Lena or another uncommon derivative?
I knew a Ramona in high school, and she hated the name.
I have a regret about my son. When I was pregnant with my daughter, we had a boys name picked out also - Jackson, nicknamed Jack. For some reason, we didn't want to use it when we were having our son so we chose Benjamin, nicknamed Ben. I love the name Ben - don't get me wrong, but his personality is SOOOOOO Jack!
Here I am reading along thinking 'oh what name did she prefer instead?' and boom, it's Ramona!
How incredibly ironic that I loved reading about Ramona Quimby as a kid!
I've been thinking of that name a lot myself lately.
I think you picked the right name for your daughter. Ramona may suit her personality but I'm siding with your late husband. It just sounds like a tent-dwelling hippie-type name.
Maddie or Madeleine is stylish and nice.
It's really hard coming up with a name for a child. When I was pregnant the first time, I wanted something that was clearly masculine or feminine, unique but not weird, easy to spell and pronounce, and a name that was meaningful. Geesh. I feel like Vivi's full name could not have been more perfect but boy did we blow it with the twins. I've got a girl named Jude (and no, it's not short for Judy or Judith-- names I strongly dislike) and Eliya which EVERYONE mispronounces and misspells or thinks is Ella, a really common name around here.
I think Madeleine is a great name and it's wonderful that Maddie is happy with it. If it feels too common to her later on, could she go by her middle name? (That's what we thought for our twins if they find their names too annoying. Jude has a very feminine middle name and Ellie has an old, easy, WASPy name.)
I don't regret naming Robert - I'm reminded of my Dad every day. I've even started calling him "Bob" like everyone did with my Dad. A bit bizarre at times.
My regret is that I haven't been able to add a sibling to our family. Robert pines for a playmate some days.
And Maddie? She'll make a name for herself as easily as good old Ramona Quimby did. People will continue to flock around her as she grows older.
You can call her Ramona if you want to. My mom always called me Lucy and my brother Petey when we were kids, and it was not a problem.
-Noelle
I have been reading for a long time, I think this is my first comment. This is topic near and dear to my heart. We changed our younger son's name from "Henry" to "Theodore" just after he turned one. I agonized for months over the decision - in large part because our older son's name is "Thomas" and I too didn't want to do a matching letter "thing". My husband wisely said, "It's only a thing if you make it a thing." What really cemented it for me was when we received his passport in the mail and I just couldn't stand to look at the name, "Henry". I knew that I would see that name on official documents for years to come and had to do something about it. Some of the story is here:
http://www.mendolo.com/2010/06/10/theodore/
What's Maddie's middle name? What about adding a second middle name of "Ramona" if you feel strongly about it? How does she feel?
Re: middle names:
Maddie's middle name is Ji Yun, a Korean name chosen by her grandparents. She knows that's her middle name and seems as happy with that as she does with Maddie; in the end, since she's clearly fine with her name, I feel like this is just something I'm going to have to come to terms with.
@Anon/Noelle: I thought of you as I wrote this post and almost included you as an example, but I couldn't remember what your mom called you!
@Gina: I might have changed Maddie's name if I'd thought to do it at that age, when she was not as aware and attached to her current name as she is now. I'm going to go read your story about making the change from Henry to Theodore now. Fascinating!
-snick
Changing what you call someone is easy. Just think of it as a nickname. Remember how easy it was for me to change Lee's name? All I had to do was say, "Cochise is an awesome name. I'm going to call you Cochise now!"
-Noelle
Sometimes it's just impossible to pick a baby's name. We spent a lot of time choosing a name for our youngest that we and his brother liked. We have always liked his name and feel it fits his personality. Well, that baby, who is nearly 6 now, has been telling us for the past year that he intends to change his name from our given name of Tyler to Kyle! Parents just can't win em all, :)
If it's not just the Ramona fitting so well that's getting to you; if it's more she doesn't seem so much like a Maddie or that you feel she needs a more unique name to fit her personality, maybe just change up the nickname and find one that fits her better and get that to stick. Then she'll always have the classic Madeleine to fall back on that holds so much meaning for you, but you'll have something more singular and 'just her' to resonate with you in the meantime.
I love when you call her Mads here on the blog... it seems to so fit the little girl you describe! There's also Della or Lenney, Linny or Laney...
Just pick one that fits better than the regular old Maddie introduce her that way and call her that often and make it stick!
My parents gave me a very flowy, pretty, Spanish name--which I love. However, it's never suited my personality. Fortunately, the nickname version of my first name does.
I'm reading a book right now where the heroine is named 'Desdemona' and goes by 'Mona'. I think a Ramona/Mona would be cute, but I like Madeline/Maddie better. It's an interesting thought.
I had a couple friends change their names when they went to college. She could always opt for that if she comes to agree with you. ;-)
My cousin's sons went through all sorts of nick-name evolution.
Bradley to Bradford to Effie
Jason to JayCee to JaySupe to Supe
I think if you set your mind to it, you could evolve some well-suited nicknames for Maddie that please you more, or even move her to Mona or Ramona as a nickname over time.
Maddie to Maddiemo to Maddiemona to mona or mamona. I know, seems contrived. But over time lots of changes are possible, calculated or not.
Another option is to tell her that she reminds you of Ramona Quimby (I know you've been reading those books) and that you'd like to call her Ramona sometimes. See what she says?
After all, a nickname isn't required to be a derivative of the given name... it's just an affectionate name you get from being you!
It's amazing and wonderful how subjective our experiences with names can be. I actually have a young daughter named Ramona. She was not at all named for Ramona Quimby, although I find the association a pleasant one. There's the 1884 Helen Hunt Jackson novel entitled Ramona, a Bob Dylan song with that name, and a Benny Goodman song called Ramona, too. I think Ramona is a strong, elegant, spirited and sophisticated name (not 'tent-dwelling' or 'hippie-type,' thanks very much, Anonymous 8:04).
And, believe it or not, I also think Madeleine has a lot of the same attributes. In addition to Madeleine L'Engle, there are the Madeline books, Madeleine Albright, Madeleine Peyroux... all people or things that make me think of elegance, strength, spirit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that a name is what you bring to it, and that your perception of a name depends a great deal on the lens(es) through which you view it.
You are definitely right about how we should all perceive mistakes. We should only regret if we didn't learn from our shortcomings. Maddie or Madeleine sounds good. But you could also do Madeleine Ramona -- only it's too long.
Those are both wonderful names. And I like them also for the same reasons you do. My daughter absolutely loved the Ramona series and we're both looking forward to seeing the movie. By the way, there's another name you missed, "Chevrolet", the name of Ramona's doll, my daughter thought that was absolutely hilarious when she read the book and still laughs about it.
I understand your dilemma about feeling Maddie has the wrong name, no wonder there are so many baby naming books and websites! Wondered if you are thinking about asking Maddie about this and possibly changing her name?
My daughter is also Madeleine. She prefers to be called Maddie, but I've always made her spell the whole thing out.
I worry about the spelling mostly. People are going to get it wrong her whole life (just like people add two LL's to mine).
But I didn't want her to be like the other Madelines or Madelyns.
I've actually met three little Ramona's in Portland, so you can rest assured it wouldn't have solved the popularity problem! Maggie Gyllenhaal chose it for her daughter, and it was all over from there.
Like you, I obsessed over choosing a name that was unique, not overly popular, not overly weird. As a person with a hugely popular name in my generation, I wanted to avoid that for my kid. So I checked every name statistic I could find, and anything in the top 100 was off the list. It's worked out well so far -- we've met a couple other little girls with my daughter's name, but no one in our neighborhood or her class (so far). But it's bound to happen. I think names skip a generation -- this the popularity of Ella, Olive, Emma, Ava ...
If we ever have another girl (we won't), we'd name her Rumana, after my best friend from high school. Like Ramona, don't you think?
My Melody is perfectly comfortable with her name, but she just feels more like a Melly than a Melody. Similarly, I thought I'd call Jessica "Jessie" more often than I do. After all, she's named after a Jesse.
Funny things, names.
We were originally going to name our daughter Samantha and call her Sam ( grandfather Samuel) then I attended a friend's memorial service reminding me her maiden name was Wren. Came home and asked the husband if he liked that name. We both agreed. So now we have Wren Fu Yin ( her chinese name prior to adoption). Wren means small brown songbird - which she is, but as a hockey loving, rockwall climbing, smartass....Sam would suit her too. On a similar note - our weimaraner is named Paulie ( complete with Brooklyn accent) after the son in the Godfather movies. I had wanted to name him Fredo ( after the weak wussy brother) and considering he is 92 pound of fraidy cat...Fredo would have been best! Somehow we must all have a mother's instinct as to our kids personality. Although I do know people, just a few, who have changed their kid's names...Meg Ryan did too!!
I have similar regrets about our younger daughter's name:
http://smallanimals.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/misnomer/
...down to the 'not wanting to match the sibling' thing. It's a hard mistake to learn from!
She just turned 3, and we still call her "Bear" a lot, and sometimes "Iris Berit." I don't regret it as much now (it was really intense there for a while). She and her name have become so connected, it's harder and harder to imagine going back.
I like the name Madeline, though in all honesty I prefer it spelled the way I just spelled it there, without the middle E that you use. I admired a Madeline a few years older than I when I was in high school, and I like Madeline Kahn. It's sort of an elegant name but not elegant alone but rather elegant bohemia or elegant zaniness.
But I don't know your kid. Ramona may very well fit her better.
Also in all honesty I don't like the nickname Maddie at all.
There are plenty of people who are properly called names that aren't their actual names at all. Seeing what Madeleine thinks about the name Ramona might be worth doing, but without any indication of your reasons for doing so or of your feelings on her actual name.
Madeleine can be proud that her name is the result of cooperation between her parents in choosing it. You can be proud of that too. It's nice for your children to know, and you to remember too, John's participation in naming them, more evidence for them that he was a part of their lives.
I do like twin names that start with the same letter. In high school I knew twins whose names not only began with the same letter sounded in the same way but also: each ended with the same letter sounded in the same way, each had as a penultimate letter a consonant different in each case but in each case creating a similar blend with the final letter, each were seven letters and two syllables long, and each had a one-syllable nickname consisting of the first three letters with the second and third letters being different in both cases. What I liked about this was they weren't rhyming names yet they had so much in common, sounded good together but distinct and not identical or confusing, were equal kind of names.
I can't believe the timing of your post...Just yesterday, John and I were having doubts about the name we picked out for our baby girl. Years ago, in our little hut in Paraguay, John and I were spending another long winter evening filling our time. We got on the subject of names and eventually both agreed that Annabelle (maybe Belle for short) was perfect. Since we found out that our baby is a girl, he and I both refer to her as Annabelle. But just 2 nights ago doubts set in. Is it too frilly? Too southern? I don't know a ton of Annabelle's, but Isabel's and Abigail's abound. Too common? Naming is tough business!
So interesting! We had some baby-naming difficulties too ... I wanted us to be able to use the first name we always wanted, while still honouring both grandmothers (in case this was the only girl we ever have) and also reflecting my Indian heritage. We decided to hyphenate our daughter's middle name in order to achieve all this. People thought it was kind of weird, and I do too, but it was still the best compromise, I think. And one of her middle names is actually Ramona! It's my mother-in-law's name and her loved ones have always called her Mona. Seeing my daughter's entire name spelled out can be a bit much, but I wanted her to have just one middle initial, and I figure when she gets married she might do away with her middle name anyway (as I did.) I've always loved names, but this baby-naming thing was MUCH harder than I thought it would be! So I feel your doubt!
I love the name Ramona, it was my first choice for a girl name. I'll never get to use it though as I have two boys. How about Mona as a nickname? Kinda, sorta, could be a nickname for both Ramona and Madeline.
I love my boys' names. With my first we were between two names and didn't decide until after he was born. I am ever grateful we didn't pick the other name because it just doesn't suit him. My second son's name we picked very early on, it was the only name we considered, and I believe it is perfect for him.
A friend of mine's mother always called her Maria-- which was nowhere remotely close to her actual name! She never really knew why, except her mother always said, "Oh....because Maria is a pretty name! You're my Maria!". We hypothesized it was from the Sound of Music. Friend liked the endearment; it was one of those nice growing up things. It was more like a nickname/petname kind of thing, but it happened often enough that we all knew our friend was HerName but also Maria.
It's not too late for Maddie to be a Ramona, at least part-time, is what I'm trying to say.
It's not too late to change her name to Madeline Ramona :) definitely an option
I don't have children yet, but man it must be rough. For what it's worth Madeleine is one of my favorite names, even now that it is super popular.
It's sweet that Madeleine is a name that your husband loved and a connection she carries around with her. That said, maybe there is a nickname that ties into Madeleine (or doesn't) that you think might suit her better? Lena? Delia? Lainey? Lenny? etc.
Good luck!
Madeleine may also not be as common as you're thinking right now. I was the only Eric I knew growing up in Wisconsin, and then I went to college and there were five Erics with me on the soccer team. Since then, I've never run into that kind of concentration again. (And I guarantee you that Madeleine will NEVER be as common a name as Eric!)
So your current preschool situation may be a fluke, not representative of the population at large...
I'm kind of partial to Madeleine.
:)
My best high school friend was named Patricia, but her older brother took one look at her when she was born and started calling her Kim, "because she looks like a Kim." They made that her middle name and everyone called her Kim. When she grew up she legally changed it.
As for Madeleine/line, it's very popular on the East Coast; I think I know of at least five, including my niece. And you just never know; my brother was named "Brian" because it was uncommon, and lo, in his grade of 160 kids there were 5 OTHER BRIANS. So in some ways it's all just luck
I think it is so odd that so many parents here think it's fine to change the name of a child Maddie's age even though the child herself likes it. It's developmentally inappropriate and it's disrespectful of the child's feelings.
I felt this way about my daughter's name for the last 3 months of my pregnancy (after we had already announced her name) and for the first 9 months of her life. Then one day, I decided to accept it. She is who she is, and even though I helped choose her name, it belongs to her now, and its not mine to take back. I have truly been at peace with it since the day I made up my mind to accept it.
I love this post. I read nameberry.com and the blog 'You Can't Call It It' all the time out of sheer fascination for names. I love your name style, Madeleine and Ramona are both adorable, so is Riley.
My name is Catherine. I've been Cathy, Kate, Cass, Cassie, and just plain 'C'. The evolution of Maddie's name may continue but the fact she really likes her name is great. I didn't take to mine until I was at least 25!
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