It's probably some Lonely. CV is wise to advise me not to discount the Lonely.
But I do think that it's mostly arriving, for the first time in my life, at the point that I've been trying to get to without even really meaning to or knowing it. Is my life what I envisioned? Not really. Am I happy all the time? Certainly not. Will unexpected things happen that will shake it all up? Almost certainly.
But for the first time ever, I'm not deliberately living in the future. I'm not planning the Next Big Thing. I don't plan to move, at least not any further than across town and currently not even that. I don't plan to change jobs. I'm here, living this life, trying to enjoy what I have, nothing more, nothing less.
I know people who thrive on drama, who seek to create drama in their lives because without it, they don't know what to do. I'm not like that. Drama? No thanks. But I do handle change better than the average person, to the point that in the past, I have sought it out rather than become a victim of the fate of living in a rut. I think at least some of my recent unease comes from realizing that even in the rut, there are bumps in the road. I am not less of a person, no less strong or capable, if there are times in my life when the road is relatively smooth, when I let it guide me rather than clearing a new path just because I can. Just being is a challenge sometimes, a challenge for now, and a joy in many moments.
I've written the same post four times in the past week. Different words that arrive at the same conclusion, all pushing me towards peace with the fact that this is what I have, this life, right now. It's good. It's enough.