Seven years ago today, John and I went on our first date.
Seven years.
We had a warp-speed life together. We moved in together four months after our first date, then got engaged four months after that. Our wedding was another eight months later. Then one more month and we got John's diagnosis, followed by two-and-a-half years of utter insanity.
17 months + 2.5 years = 4 years, just about.
4 years is just over 10 percent of my life.
I could keep crunching numbers, but they all mean the same thing: it wasn't enough time. It could never have been enough time.
The way I miss John is becoming more and more abstract. It's now usually about the general feeling of how it felt to share a life and less about him specifically. I say this without judgment, just as an observation; with the passing of time, it only makes sense that the specifics would fade while the general feeling of happiness I had during our time together would endure. I do still try to call him on the phone on occasion. Old habits die hard. He was one of the only people in the world I didn't mind talking with on the phone.
Seven years. Funny how that's starting to sound about right. Even given all that's happened, I can wrap my mind around it all fitting into seven years. Today, I can think about our first date and feel happy. I can remember the promise that evening held. I can understand how full life can be. And I can be content, if wistfully so, with the life I have now.
Moi
- Snickollet
- I'm a mother and a widow, and a whole lot of other things. Here, though, I tend to write about parenting, grief, and their intersection.
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11 comments:
Wow, that is a lot of living in a short time. I'm glad the memories are happy ones, and you're in a good place.
I remember your visiting us when we lived in Grafton and telling us about "the new guy" you had just started dating. Not too much later we met him, and it was crystal clear that you guys were meant to be together. (CF)
Beautifully summed up, and true...I lost my dad three years ago, and although I miss him, I almost more often miss "guy in the dad role..." and in the grandpa role to my two kids.
With love to you, Snick. Your insight is lovely. It is hard to believe it has been only 7 years -- from an outsiders perspective, of course.
Thinking of you as you reflect on the journey.
Thinking of you today, Snick (and lots of other days, especially when I read your posts).
Emily
Thank you for sharing that. You're right; it wasn't enough time.
My husband and I also met 7 years (and 4 months) ago, were married within 16 months of meeting. Our twins are approximately the same age as yours - 4 next month. The timeline makes your loss seem all the more unfair, when our kids get to see Daddy again in a month's time, but yours don't.
hugs
I read once that every seven years something major in our life changes. Here's wishing you good things in the next seven years.
You're right. It's never enough. But I'm glad that you can look back and be happy.
I hope in time you treasure what you had with him and it is enough.
Life sucks sometimes and so sorry you got a taste of that so young.. So glad you have your beautiful children to give your life meaning and strength.
I so admire you Snick. I really do.
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