09 February 2010

I miss John so much today.

It all started last night, the first night in over a week that I was able to take some time to just relax after the kids went to bed. The relaxing couldn't start, however, until I'd packed lunches and put away some groceries and taken out the trash. The damn trash pushed me over the edge. Every week is my week to take out the trash. It seemed emblematic of how I am responsible for everything at our house. I've farmed out some things—certain groceries get delivered, our wonderful nanny does the kids' laundry, Maddie and Riley do little "chores," and we have an every-other-week cleaning lady—but even with all that off my plate, much remains. Most days, it's just life and I'm used to it. Some days, particularly when I'm exhausted and worn down, I miss having a spouse for purely logistical reasons, such as trash duty. This type of spousal longing doesn't usually make me miss John all that much. It makes me miss being married in a generalized way.

But then I start to think about all the far less tangible benefits of having a spouse, the emotional benefits. The way your spouse knows you in a way that no one else does. When I miss that deep understanding and love, then I miss John. He and I struggled as I think most couples do with figuring out how to balance and share the logistics of life, but we had almost no trouble understanding how to love and support each other in ways large and small. It's hard for me to imagine getting that from anyone else.

Perhaps someday I will marry again, perhaps not. All I know for now is that I wish that John were here, for so many reasons. And while the intensity of that feeling will ebb and flow over time, it will never go away.

25 comments:

Jill said...

My heart aches for you right now. You deserve to be understood in that intimate way that only a spouse can. You also deserve to have some of the mundane everyday burdens lifted off your shoulders. Wishing you a peaceful week, with many opportunities for relaxation after kiddos are in bed. We all need that, at the very least!

Megan said...

Typing, then erasing, then typing, then erasing again has lead to the only thing I can think of to say: I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I'd say..."I can't imagine how you do it all" but I'm sure you're heard that enough.

Heather said...

I wish there were something I could say to make it all easier. I'm sorry.

(another) karen said...

i wish for you that he was there as well. since that's not possible - i will wish for you that you ARE able to find that kind of love and support and connection again some day. until then - i'm wishing you peace and comfort.

thinking of you,
karen

Cheryl Lage said...

Snick, I am so very sorry. I'm awed by what you are able to do, and your honest candor in describing the intimacies of your heart and situation inspire me, and I know many, many others. Perhaps it's hollow solace, but it has meant much to me.

Wishing you continued resolve, strength, and some well deserved moments of peace.

Amber said...

Ditto everyone above, especially Cheryl. I am in awe of all that you do on a day-to-day basis. I hope writing about it gives you some peace. Take good care! (see you in a couple weeks, I hope!)

elzimmy said...

I'm sorry...that's all the can be said really. I'm just sorry.

Anonymous said...

it's always the damn trash... a 7 year widow sister sending you love

Christie said...

I'm uncomfortable reading this. And when I'm uncomfortable I tend to say or do inappropriate things, which is why I'm actually contemplating telling you a fart joke. But I don't know any good fart jokes. So for now, I'll just hope you have more ebb than flow.

Amelie said...

I'm so sorry, Snick.

Susan said...

Ditto all the above - your awesome - wishing you extra strength and peace.

"Lois Grebowski" said...

HUGS...

Emma's mom said...

I wish there was something to say beyond I'm sorry.

Watercolor said...

amen. being single sucks.

OTRgirl said...

It's so true. I truly can't imagine surviving well without Jrex. I would be a shell for a long time. You continue to amaze me with how much you do and how well you articulate your inner journey.

I am sorry he's not here. Stupid trash.

django's mommy said...

Yes. You know what I think I miss the most? When we used to look at Nathan and marvel: "Look what we made!"

Sending you much love & hugs across the continent.

Anonymous said...

Exactly--you said it so well. I am missing my husband so much, as Valentine's Day approaches and I'm no one's Valentine. I don't mean to sound so negative, but I wonder if there will ever be anyone again who knows me as well as my husband did. And I don't think--after dealing with all the demands of being the only parent to two growing children--that I have the energy to invest in starting over developing that kind of relationship with someone. So I miss him . . .

Roads said...

Hmmm. You know, I sometimes wonder how it would have worked, the other way around.

She misses me when it's time to put the rubbish out.

Sigh. It's bloody tough being a bloke, ya' know.

M said...

Hugs. I'm so sorry Snick. And I know it's not the same, but I have days where I am bowled over by how much I miss my mom. It sucks, but you just sort of have to ride it out :(

M said...

Hugs. I'm so sorry Snick. And I know it's not the same, but I have days where I am bowled over by how much I miss my mom. It sucks, but you just sort of have to ride it out :(

Dianne said...

I understand how you feel. I took so many things for granted, like the trash duties, yard work, etc. My husband is still alive but he has Alzeimer's and can hardly tie his shoes. I work full time and have him in adult day care but when I get home all the chores are on my shoulders. It's not easy but somehow we do it.
Dianne

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Thank you, once again, for reminding me to be thankful for what I have. If we lived closer, I'd take out your trash even though I think that wouldn't make the moments of loneliness go away. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

So sorry you are missing John and all he would have contributed to the household and in parenting..

Hubby works half the week out of town so I can relate just a smidgen. When he is home it frees me up a bit, lets me share in the duties. Doing it ALL myself would be a whole new ball game.

Hats off to you though for being there, the solo parent for as long as you have. You should be very proud of yourself for not only being the breadwinner but the parent X 2. Cannot be easy and I so respect you for that. Bitch away Snick, you deserve to be heard and understood..

christina(apronstrings) said...

How lonely you must feel at times. Blech-so flippin' unfair.