10 December 2009

It's never enough.

I don't know when, if ever, I will come to a point of acceptance around the fact that John's death was not enough pain, anger, frustration, and heartache for one life. Just because I suffered that loss, a loss of proportions that my mind could not imagine, a loss that will be a part of the the remaining highs and lows of my life, I'm not exempt from other pain.

I'm not, as I have just found, exempt from burst pipes, flooded rooms, and the inconvenience of being displaced for a few weeks around the holidays.

I'm not exempt from cracked sewer pipes in the home that's under contract in another state, a home that in less than 24 hours I will no longer own, but a repair for which I am out $2,000.

And I'm likewise not exempt from real estate deals that entail huge financial losses and last-minute paperwork snafus.

I'm feeling particularly pained by the real estate situation today, which intersected with my water problem early this morning. My closing is tomorrow morning, and today, while I was at my house here in Portland assessing water damage and negotiating with insurance adjusters, I got a call from my Boston lawyer's office. My lawyer informed me that, given taxes and closing costs and payment to my broker and other such dribs and drabs, I would need to FedEx a check for just under $5,000 to the buyer's attorney for the sale.

So much for not bringing money to the table to get this place off my hands. Not to mention the fact that I don't keep $5,000 in a place where it's available for me to issue as a bank check. Gulp. So I had to get my dad involved. Luckily, he's in a position to help me with this.

In addition, I need to get one more piece of paper notarized, testifying that I was John's spouse when he died (as is clearly stated on the death certificate that the lawyers already have) and that John's "estate" was not grand enough to require probate.

It will all fall into place. It's just money that I'm losing. It's just money. I have my health. I don't live in a war zone. The real estate part will all be over tomorrow. But all of this last-minute hustle and bustle and the injustice of it all and the less-than-pleasant parts of life are suddenly making the deal very real, and that realness has an emotional side to it that's also weighing on me.

I'm selling the house where John died. I'm selling the house that was the only place John, Maddie, Riley, and I lived as a family. Talk about the very definition of bittersweet.

The stress of all of this is getting to me, and I'm not sure how to manage it. I feel the pull to eat a massive amount of junk food, but I know that ultimately, that will just make me feel worse. I have already cried quite a bit today, but for the moment, I'm at work, so I'm trying not to go there. Maybe I'll take a walk at lunch. Or go sit in the sauna at the sports center. Or take a walk then sit in the sauna.

Tomorrow morning, 11:00 a.m. Eastern time. Exactly two years and eight months after John died. If you can, think of me, think of him, and say another goodbye.

38 comments:

Christine said...

Sending good thoughts your way from Philadelphia. It is unfair, all of it. I'll be sending good thoughts from here.

cv said...

And tomorrow at 11:30 all your Boston friends go over and egg the real estate agent's car?

One thought: Aren't you glad you live in the house with the burst water pipe and not the house with the busted sewer pipe?

Missing you - and sending hugs and virtual ice cream (which, in its virtual-ness, doesn't cause guilt pangs after consumption).

love, cv

Natika said...

My husband and I were talking about you last night. I told him of John, the twins, your move, and your pipes.
He instantly felt bad about complaining of his lay off and our first unemployed Christmas.
Just know that their are people who are thinking about you even when your not.
You will get through this because you are one kick ass lady!
Good Luck!

ps...I am on pipe watch today. Three of my neighbors had pipes burst yesterday. We have a sneaking suspicion that were next :(

Pam said...

Snick,
Hugs, so sorry you are having a rough time right now. Will be thinking of you, especially tomorrow.
Pam

Kizz said...

I'm glad you're getting closure on all these moving parts. I'm sad that it's one more loss but probably in the end a good one.

Best wishes for the simple tying up of the ends. I don't know how to manage that much emotion either. I think you'll find a way, though.

Lisa said...

oh, that sucks. I feel your pain on the real estate--we sold our house six months ago, and had to bring a check for $27,655 to the table. I was in the fetal position for days. (Still am, we had to take out a loan to cover the loss.)

In what can only be described as a freudian slip, on the day of closing we started out on the 2.5 hour drive...and realized after driving 40 minutes that we had left the check on the table. At our new apartment. We were wayyy late to that closing

Hugs.

Amelie said...

I'll be thinking of you, of John, and of M and R.

Goddess in Progress said...

Thinking about all four of you and, though this is not the kind of thing that usually comes out of my mouth, wishing you peace. I can only imagine the 600 emotions that must be rushing through your world right now. One way or another, I'm sure it will be a good thing to have this settled. Even if it's quite bittersweet, to say the very least. Hugs from our family to yours.

Anonymous said...

My husband & I sold our house which had been in the family for 5 generations. It was the hardest thing we ever did. Until the day after, then it felt so liberating. It had a wonderful history but held no future for us, nor anyone else in the family.

The $$ part really does stink but that is/was out of your control. I bet someday you'll make money off of a house! MIME

Dr. Smak said...

Still waiting on my "Get out of tragedy free" card too. Learning not to be disappointed that it's not in the mail.

I'm glad your family was able to support you. Extra hugs for M & R tonight.

DEBRA said...

No matter when you do it, house selling is a difficult stressful process. I cannot imagine what it all must feel like doing it from 3000 miles away. So sorry for the way all of this is coming at you. IT is overwhelming, but you know what? You have great support and people who will wrap their arms around you. I had tears in my eyes as I read your post today...I will keep you in my thoughts especially at 11...
hugs
Debra

tousquireste said...

bleargh, this is all kinds of stressful difficult business. definitely thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow goes smoothly.

DESJ and Company said...

I'm so sorry....bittersweet.
Good luck.

Watercolor said...

hugs

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but am sending hugs your way to get through tomorrow.

Tammy

Sylvie said...

Sending you good thoughts -- this is bittersweet... maybe the buyer will slip on some ice over the next few weeks. I know it's all business, but sometimes people should be a bit nicer!

mek said...

Definitely will be thinking of you tomorrow, and hoping you hit a streak of something nice: luck, happiness, guilt-free junk food, tantrum-free days...you know, the really good stuff!

Kathryn said...

I'm really bad at working out time differences, so will just think of you all day long...I wish it were easier,on every level. Much love and a good few prayers as well xxx

Donn24g said...

sending my thoughts and prayers your way. As always, your attitude is the right one. Chin up, ill be thinking of you at 11!

Emily said...

Thinking of you today .... and I am SO GLAD that at least you have your parents out there near you.

carosgram said...

Thinking of you and wishing you the best

Julie said...

Your post really spoke to me. I am going through a divorce and selling a property. There was/is a chance we might have to foreclose on the property, and my ex is acting like this is the absolute worst thing in the world. I, on the other hand, feel blessed. It's just money. It's just a credit report that didn't exist 100 years ago, and will not exist in another 100 years. I have two amazing and healthy kids, parents who are loving and supportive and able to help me....it's just STUFF. It's stressful and frustrating and at times painful, but at the end of the day, what matters most in life is what I've got and I'm lucky and thankful.

Hang in there.

Susan said...

Ugh Snick. Heavy post. It is now 11:37 a.m. today and your closing should be almost done if not done. So sorry for you....another goodbye.....I get that. I get the part that it is hard to let go of the one place you were a family. Keep hanging on....

Susan said...

Ugh Snick. Heavy post. It is now 11:37 a.m. today and your closing should be almost done if not done. So sorry for you....another goodbye.....I get that. I get the part that it is hard to let go of the one place you were a family. Keep hanging on....

Tamara said...

Thinking of all four of you.

Melissia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
After Words said...

Thinking of all of you and wishing you some small measure of peace. You HAVE been through enough. You should be exempt from some pain.

Sonya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sonya said...

Oh sweet Snickollet. I so feel your pain, anguish and melting pot of emotions. I want to cry for you and with you.

You're an awesome lady.

Sonya

Jane said...

Thinking of you, sending good vibes your way, and hoping that you did take that walk and sit in the sauna.

Megan said...

I'm a bit late in the comments for this post. Hopefully by now it's all done and over with regarding the Boston condo. I can't imagine the mixed emotions you must be having.

Jen said...

You're right -- John's death should somehow give you an automatic pass on any other difficulty or heartache. I hope the closing completed smoothly this morning, and no other unpleasant surprises pop up for a long time.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Hopefully this will be your last goodbye, at least for a good long time. Thinking of you.

(another) karen said...

overseas for the holidays and just catching up with your last few entires. i see from the most recent that your closing did, in fact, go through, so congrats on that part. and, for what its worth, know that i'm thinking of you and your family today, albeit from far away. and wishing all of you peace and comfort. for the holidays. for always.

karen

Kimberly said...

I've been away and missed this until today, but right now I am thinking of you all, and sending good thoughts to all of you.

Shinyung said...

It all seems so overwhelming. I'm always in awe of how you manage everything -- you're doing great, and you are an awesome mom to your beautiful children. You'll get through this -- and in the meantime, please remember to take some time out for yourself. And get as many hugs as you can.

Anusha said...

Sending you a BIG hug!!!!

Sadia said...

I'm just catching up ... and I'm so sorry. It's too much for one week. For one life.