Last weekend, while the twins were napping on Sunday afternoon, I decided to do some cleaning. That was all well and that was all good, but every time I bent over to pick something up off the floor, I was struck with what I guess is reflux: a burning, unpleasant sensation in my throat.
Mind you, I carried twins to term without so much as a whiff of reflux or heartburn. I love spicy food and eat it all the time and I'd never so much as reached for a Tums. This was the first time I'd ever had this sensation, and I'm sure that there are many of you who know firsthand that it's not pleasant.
It was cured easily enough by a glass of milk, but it's plagued me throughout the week off and on. I'm starting to think that it's coffee. I've gotten pretty bad with the coffee habit, drinking at least two big cups a day, sometimes more. And I've been drinking soda most weekdays, too, sometimes diet, sometimes regular. Would that aggravate it? Bleargh.
So there's that, the icky reflux-y thing. Then there's my weight. Coffee and soda notwithstanding, my eating habits of late have been pretty good. Lots of fresh fruit and veggies, not too much ice cream, overall better in general than I've done in years. Plus I've been running multiple times per week, which is the first regular exercise I've gotten in a few years. Why, then, do I weigh more than I've ever weighed except during pregnancy? I weigh three pounds more than I did when I joined Weight Watchers back in 2004, and a full 12 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant.
I'm lucky in that I've never had to work all that hard to keep my weight in the healthy range. I've never been super thin, but I've never really been seriously overweight, either. I don't monitor my weight closely, as I can tell by the way my clothes fit how things are going. When the waistbands feel tight, I control my portions better, rein in the snacking, and everything gets back to the way it should be.
This time around, though, I've been doing what I need to do by eating better and exercising more, and my pants still don't want to button. I'm starting to think that I need to rejoin Weight Watchers and really make myself accountable for everything I'm eating. I've been measuring my portions of cereal, making sure I don't sit in front of the TV with a package of cookies, choosing an apple instead of chips . . . but it's not working. It's just not. And then the reflux! I feel old and chubby.
Like most (all?) women, I struggle with body image. I firmly believe that the most important thing of all is to be healthy, and that healthy comes in a lot of different sizes. The size I am now is healthy, but yet I'm confess that I'm not happy with it, which in turn makes me feel some kind of bad or guilty for being wanting to be a smaller size of healthy. I want to enjoy food--the last thing I want to be is the person who orders, to paraphrase Margaret Cho, her "life on the side." But I also want my skinny jeans to fit. Frankly, part of the issue is that I don't want to spend money on new clothes. But really, I just want to be smaller.
And I don't want to have reflux.
To add to the healthier eating + more exercise effort to make myself feel prettier, I finally booked a haircut for a week from tomorrow. I have not had my hair cut in almost four months. I look like the shaggy dog. I have long hair with some layers; the shortest layers are just past my chin. My hair is thick and straight, but not flat-and-shiny straight, more unruly-and-tangly straight. Anyone have ideas for a brilliant haircut? I'm willing to wash most mornings and blow dry, but that's about the extent of the effort that I'll make. Losing length is fine, but I need to be able to put it up in a ponytail when I run. Suggestions appreciated.